Tuesday, December 30, 2008

100th Post!

Woohoo, it's my 100th post...Dunno if it's really worth celebrating but why not? Anyways, life has been fairly busy since my last post.
So, the family has sort of been at war. My brother made a dairly dumb decision in the beginning of October and neglected to tell anyone about it until November. Even then, he still neglected to tell my father and my mother actually had to contact my dad (and boy, that was messy). So, it's been tense. Christmas was nice though. My aunt and uncle came over along with my cousin and my grandpa. My gramps is such a cute old man, he really is a joy to have around. Some family friends came over for Christmas dinner and Dan joined us as well. I was really glad he volunteered to meet part of the family. It was kind of important to me.
Last week Dan was home. He came home on the 22nd and it was a great week. It was so nice to be with him again and just share some quality alone time as well as some great times with friends. Unfortunately, his stay wasn't very long and he had to return home on the 27th. That was hard for me. I really don't cry in public but i couldn't help it that morning. It's gonna be about six motnhs or so until I see him again. So, yeah, that's really going to suck. I'm just surviving his deployment one day at a time...
Oh! I also moved into my house 2 weeks ago. I love it! Thanks to EVERYONE who helped (Mj, Phillip, Dawn, Emily, Chris, Troy, and Heather). It would have been a much bigger task all by myself so I really appreciate all the help!
So, that's pretty much it for now. Work is still slow and life is still great. God is still amazing (and will always be).

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Just Good

Wow...it's been a long while since I have updated! So, what's new with me? Not too much actually, and I'm finding out that's a pretty good thing.
I'm hoping to start CSUB in January. I say "hope" because I kind of did a late application. Oops! Oh well...I am also getting a house, I am very very blessed and oh so excited! Pixel will finally have a nice green backyard to play in and I guess I'm gonna have to learn how to mow the lawn! Haha. It will be a big responsibility but I am so excited for it. Hopefully I will be moving in this weekend...
What else?...I have a new man in my life and he is nothing short of AMAZING. I've known him since junior year and we began to grow closer over the summer. It's really been quite great. He's very different from anyone else that I have dated and that all is a very good thing. He's also in the Army and currently in Mississippi, which does make things hard, but it's worth it. God definitely blessed me with a wonderful man :)
Besides that, I've just been working full time and continuing to improve on my mental health. The meds are working quite well. I have more energy, my memory is better, and I don't get anxious like I used too. It's real nice. Unfortunately, these meds have some major side affects so my doc wanted to test some things out. By "things" i mean running blood tests to check on my kidneys, liver, glucose, and thyroid. Well, everything was good except for my thyroid. Turns out, its hypoactive, meaning I don't produce enough of the thyroid hormone. This mostly means weight gain, yuck. So, I'm waiting to see what my doc wants to do about it...
So, I'm just living life and enjoying every part of it right now. I feel like I have started this great new chapter and I'm feeling really good for once in a real long time. Life is good, and God is certainly amazing!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Life has been pretty slow lately, which has actually been a nice change. I'm taking a lot of time out for myself to fix everything and that is going really well. I'm pretty proud of my progress so far and I hope other people are noticing a positive change in me as well. I've been careful with getting back in to the swing of things. I work part time so that I'm able to still go through counseling and let my body continue to adjust to the meds that I have been prescribed. I really want to go full force ahead and be extremely busy and working hard and going to school and keeping a busy social life but I know if I did that right now I would just crumble under all the pressure so I've been learning to take things a little slower and hopefully soon I will be back to a normal schedule and a normal life. Beyond that, not a whole lot has been going on here. Just friends, family, and work. That's bout it...I'll update later.

Friday, October 17, 2008

New Chapter

So, I feel like I'm starting a new chapter of my life and, I must say, I'm pretty stoked about it. I've been working a lot on me through an Intensive Outpatient therapy program (IOP) that I attend four times a week. It's suppose to be a three week program but I have managed to make it into four, haha. I've learned a lot to be honest. I've learned a lot about myself, and I've learned how to cope in a different and much healthier way than I generally do. Also, I am on medication for bipolar disorder and they are actually helping. I've never been a big medication fan but for once in a long time I feel stable. I still have ups and downs like any normal human being but that aren't as dramatic and catastrophic as they used to be. I feel kind of like I have my life back and I thank God every day that he gave me the strength and the courage to go get the help I needed and to be able to be so open about it. This new chapter is looking good, real good. I'm healthy and happy and things just seem to keep getting better. I have finished everything for Azusa Pacific University so I'm anxiously waiting to hear back from them. If accepted, which I am fairly confident about, I will be so ecstatic. It's a great school and I think it will be really positive as well to be surrounded by a large body of believers and to actually study God's word in my courses. Oh, and there a few other things going on as well but I don't want to ruin any surprises just yet :). Life is good, again. I've gotten rid of the things that were so toxic and have replaced them with positive influences and a lot of hard self work. I'm living life and loving every moment of it, just like I used to. New Chapter, New Life, another chance from God. Isn't He amazing?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Guns, Camelot, Games, and Pool

So, you know how sometimes you just need a full day jam-packed with great people and great fun? Yeah, I've been needing one of those and yesterday was definitely it!
Went to Church in the AM and I helped out MJ with the Jr. Highers. I really liked it actually. Small group but I thought MJ's message was very good and they seemed to grasp it. After that, I went shooting with Dan, Justin, and Shelby. When we got out there we joined Thomas, Eric, and a kid named Slink, I think. Anyways, it was wicked awesome! I haven't shot anything besides a pellet or BB Gun up till yesterday so it was awesome shooting shotguns, rifles, a hundgun, and, oh yeah, an SKS. That thing was freakin' awesome! I even have footage of me shooting that Shelby took so hopefully that will be loaded up on my myspace or something. After that, we headed to Camelot (Shelby, Dan, Justin and I)and we did some arcade games, rode the go-carts and played some mini golf (i totally lost, ouch). Then, we joined up with Garrett and headed back to my place for some hanging out and drinking games. Then (yes, there's more) we headed to Corner Pocket and met up with a few more people. After that, we did a Taco Bell run and I went to bed. It was a jam-packed day of activities but it was so much fun! Anyways, I had to write, I'm still so stoked over shooting, it was awesome!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

God Moment...

So, you know when you just have one of those amazing God moments and you just want to shout it out? Yeah, I totally had one of those last night. I was reading Give It All To Him by Max Lucado last night. First off, this short book is really amazing. It basically retells the reason why Jesus died on the cross but in a more modern, relate able way (seeing as I wasn't alive thousands of years ago). There was a few sentences that really struck me and I really heard God speak to me through them: "Jesus himself chose the nails...So Jesus Himself swung the hammer." Wow! What a perspective this gave me. I was blown away. I instantly heard God telling me that He was going to lay out choices for me, that He was going to clear the path for me, and that He was going to cure me of whatever "illness" the doctor's say I have. it is going to be a journey but man, I got so excited! It's times like these that I really love, when I'm down in the dumps, carrying all of my burdens and guilts, etc. and God comes along and lifts them right of my shoulders and reassures me that everything will be alright. It's great. It's actually amazing!

Monday, September 29, 2008

A Lifetime

Time to update, again...What's new? Too much is all I can say and I really don't feel like typing it all out quite yet. Here are a few things though: Steve and I are pretty much done talking. I don't know how I feel about that yet. One moment I feel sort of relieved because there is no arguing or anything but there were so many great aspects to our relationship too that I miss. Like the play fighting, the joking name-calling, and the RC racing. So, it's quite and adjustment that came at a REAL bad time, I've been going to a counselor and a psych for my manic episodes and they are almost completely positive that they are going to diagnose me with bipolar disorder. This means, a life time of medications and counseling from time to time to make sure everything is on track. So, that's really hard to accept right now but, there is worse than a mental disorder. I'll be okay as long as I keep trying...My friends and family have been great though. Thanks to all those who have texted me just to make sure i was doing okay, it really helps start my day. So, this is my life for now. A support group, and no work...
Oh! And i have a new love :). His name is Pixel and he is a one year old chihuahua terrier mix..He's great and helps a lot with aall this...
Anywho, thats bout it...ttyl

Monday, September 8, 2008

Small Mountains

So, I guess I'll start at Labor Day Weekend. I went down to Fresno and stayed with a friend of mine in his dorm. I had a pretty good time honestly. I really missed all the guys this summer so it was great to go to the house and just hang out. I really loved it even though Sunday night had a bit of drama, i didn't let it skew my view of the weekend. I probably won't be back again but it was a great time to hang out with some great friends and say proper goodbyes.
So, since then, i've been pretty much working and adjusting to life as a non-student. It's pretty tough actually. I miss school so i will be very excited to start in January. Also, all the changes that have happened this summer have been so difficult. I don't really like being back in Bakersfield, especially since I decided to stay here because I thought I was going to get married. Also, as October 19th moves closer, it gets a little hard. Its like a constant reminder of all the sacrifices I made and all I ended up with so much pain. Yeah, I'm still recovering from that and it's hard. There's been a lot of changes, too many. Steve and I are still working through things and there have been so many changes with us. He's working now, has an interview with the Academy, and his grandmother passed away a few weeks. So, needless to say, he's been stressed. Which means he's been distant and we haven't had (to me) enough good, quality, time together. I'm not good at change, I never have been, and this is just too much all at once. Also, my job position has changed and I'm not liking it as much so it's been harder to get up and get things going in the morning. I'm just worried about too much. Oh, and I had a pretty sucky Birthday. Should have taken the offer to go out with some friends. Nothing like feeling unimportant on YOUR day...Anyways, with everything going on, i decided to FINALLY go to college group Bible study tonight. It was really nice actually. I completely felt God tonight and it was great to discuss God's word with some friends. I definitely will be attending more often. I've kind of drifted from God the past few weeks and I need to get back into actively studying His word again, I know it will help to comfort me through all this...
So, that's the update. I know, not to positive. Hence why I haven't been updating frequently. Anyways, keep praying. God is great and I know he has some AMAZING things in time for me. This is just a small mountain that I have to climb in order to get there.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


Well, I haven't updated in quite a while so, while I still have a few minutes left on my lunch break, I thought I would do that...
So what's new? Quite a bit. I have my own place now. I love living on my own. I have a cat named Jack and two turtles named Scuba Steve and Boxcar. Rent isn't too bad and I'm walking distance from work, the grocery store, Starbucks, etc. So, it was a good move and things went pretty smoothly. I'm broke now but it's okay because I'm happy.
Other than that, things have been pretty normal. Still talking with Steve. That can get interesting but oh well. I'm not in school at the moment. It would be pretty pointless because UTSA (University of Texas San Antonio) won't accept transfers from BC, I don't blame them. So, for now, I'm working full time and enjoying living on my own. I miss Fresno State a little bit but for obvious reasons that is, and never will be, an option. I'll come visit some time though. Don't know when, we'll see. Anyways, getting back to work now. Adios.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A Lot

Hmmm...So, where to start?
Things have been hard, to be honest. I'd love to write an awesome blog with great and fulfilling updates but that really isn't the case right now. But, God is still good and I'm confident that in the end, after all is said and done, that everything will be just as it should be. But for now, there's quite a rough patch to get through and I must admit this is probably one of the hardest times in my life. When everything settles, I'll go into more detail but for now, some things are better left unsaid.
Anyways, I'll hopefully be moving to San Antonio, Texas within the next 5 months or so, maybe sooner. I think its time for a change, time to get out of california. The parents are very unhappy right now and its really hard to live at home so, I will be getting an apartment here in the next few weeks. Its kind of a lot to process, new apartment away from home and then Texas. A lot of "maybe's" and a lot of "what if's?". So, I just keep praying that God will continue to keep his hand on all this and that He will guide and help me along the way.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


So, it's been two-weeks since the whole situation with Steve happened. I figured it would be a good time to write about what's going on. Or, well, write about some of it I suppose.
Steve and I have been talking (roll your eyes all you want). No, nothing is going on. Wedding plans aren't back on, and they never will be. We are only talking, as friends, and even that can be rocky. This past year has been difficult and honestly, i sort of have a pessimistic view about the upcoming months. Maybe I'm just being moody but I am certainly not happy with where I am right now. To be honest, it sucks. I know I don't really have the right to say that seeing as I have it pretty good compared to most people in the world but I can't help but feel like i'm on edge. It's rediculous actually. I feel kind of like a loonie. What I mean is, I feel like I'm at my wit's end. I'm short with people, I can't sleep more than a few hours a night, and I can't be decisive about anything. I'd like to move, but that's not realistic. I just don't like where things are heading. No offense to anyone (i don't know why anyone would take offense) but I don't like being back home. I'm angry that I will be here for at least one semester and I'm even angrier about going to BC. I really don't want to go. So far, my experience with BC has been pure and utter bullshit and I do not look forward to starting in the fall. I'd like to take a year off to figure stuff but that isn't an option either. I feel stuck. I feel angry actually, which is kind of odd because I'm not really an angry person at all. Ugh.

Friday, July 11, 2008

"It was then that I carried you"

Well, if you read the last blog, you'll know that I'm going through quite a bit of hurt right now. On the other hand, God is great and he uses everything for good. I definitely see a silver lining now and I think something great can come out of this entire mess.
I saw a counselor yesterday evening. He was pretty awesome and definitely made me feel very comfortable. He's Christian, which is a HUGE plus and we talked for a while about faith as well. He helped sort out the issues with Steve and it was just nice to get everything off my chest and lay it on the table so we could see what was really going on. The visit was so helpful and I am feeling much better than i was just a few short hours before attending the counseling.
With that said, I still have a hard road in front of me. I have broken a lot of trust and I will have to work hard to repair that. Also, I have a lot of healing left in front of me and this definitely won't be the easiest thing to do but, with some help, I know I will come out of this much better than when I went in.
So, in the past few days, hearts have been broken and scary situations have occured but I am at peace right now in knowing that my Maker is going to take this and turn it into something beautiful. He has already affirmed some things so I'm pretty much just resting in God's arms and I know that He will be walking beside me through all of this.

A coworker gave me a key chain a while back that I just now thought about and this is what it says:

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow You, we would walk side by side through life but when I needed You most, I saw only one set of footprints in the sand. The Lord replied, 'I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.'"

God has definitely carried me the last few days...

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Not Cool

So, the last two days have been, well, rediculous i guess you could say, and definitely not in a good way. I recieved a text message from Steve tuesday morning (3am to be exact) and it basically stated that he couldn't go through with the marriage and that he was leaving town. Well, I followed him all the way to Fresno then I turned back around becausse I had work at 7:30am. Well, my boss gave me the day off and around 1pm I found out that Steve was having lunch with his ex. Definitely not cool. So, i pretty much lost it. I drove up to Fresno, drove around Fresno for a while to see that he and his ex were at her apartment. Uh, yeah, I pretty much snapped. It was almost like an out of body experince and definitely not a good one. I ended up at Shaver Lake, cops were called, and, well, I finally got back to Bakersfield yesterday around 11am. It's been pretty rough. I love Steve, I trully do, and I have never ever loved anyone like I love him but I am taking the advice of my family and peers to heal myself and to stay away from Steve. It won't be easy at all because this man truly is my best friend. So, prayers for my healing would really be appreciated and pray for Steve as well please, this hasn't been easy for him either...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Work, Friends, and Our Wedding

Wow, I'm really sucking at this whole updating my blog thing aren't I? Anyways, what's new for Brooke? A whole lot!

So, first off, if you haven't heard the exciting news, I'm getting married! Yup, you read that right, I, Brooke, am getting married to Steve on October 19th! I'm pretty excited for it. It's crazy thinking that in four months I'm going to have a husband and Steve and I are going to be our own family. It actually makes me a little speechless because Steve and I have overcome so many obstacles and I know that he truly is the one and only for me. What doesn't make me speechless, however, is planning this whole wedding in four months! I'm busy as it is but throwing a wedding into the mix is just crazy! We have Seven Oaks booked for the wedding and reception and we have all the food figured out already. However, what is taking so much time right now is the list of people who Steve and I would like to invite. I'm trying to keep it around 100 people but that is proving to be highly difficult! Oh well, if we go a little over, it's no biggie. Expect invitations in about a month!

So, besides the wedding (which is the only thing everyone wants to talk about!) life has been pretty good but pretty busy. I went camping for a night this past weekend. Just Chris, Emily, and I. It was definitely awesome to just take some time out and to pray together and enjoy some beautiful stars and a gorgeous sunrise. We definitely need to do that again with a big group of people. Monday the college group had a pool party at the Champions and everyone seemed to be buzzing about the wedding, lol. I talked to John and Dawn about it that night and even though they seemed apprehensive it was really great to hear that they were happy for me. Afterall, they have been like my other family. I also took the BC assesment this week and, as expected, i scored well. So, today, I am going to FINALLY register for classes.

So, that's pretty much it. Work is busy, School is being scheduled, and Steve and I have a wedding to plan. Life is looking good :)

Sunday, May 25, 2008


I've been out of school since May 15th and I came back to Bakersfield on the 16th. So what have I been up to? Hmmm...not too much actually. I've been enjoying life and getting back into the swing of things. You know, work, friends, family. I even picked up a new hobby: golf. Yup, I'm a golfer! So, things are pretty good right now. I'm just enjoying the start of my summer. I really love Bakersfield, maybe not geographically but the people here really do make this place home.

And, for those of you wondering, Steve and I are working on things (i saw that eye roll, lol). No details need to be discussed just know that I am happy and continue to pray for me.

So, life is pretty good right now. God, friends, family, and a job that I love, who could really ask for more?

Oh, and Pastor Gary prayed for me at church this morning. All I can say is I just felt this amazing peace and amazing presence from God. It's like he was saying, "Don't worry, I've never forgotten about you." It felt pretty good. I definitely think that I'm doing things the right way now and God has much more in store for me.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Keep Truckin'

I have two days left of my first year in college (Monday and Thursday) and all I can really say is, "Wow, what a year". These two semesters have certainly had their ups, and most certainly had their downs. From the death of someone so close to me, to falling in love again and having my heart broken. It hasn't been an easy year, and I'm not proud of every decision I have made but it definitely will be taken as a learning experience. Fresno really wasn't what I thought it would be (not that I had many expectations) but I really am sad to be leaving. I have made some great friends in the midst of all the turmoil and I will miss them tremendously. However, home will be good. It will keep me focused and bring up that GPA that I let fall so horribly. So, in this blog, I thought I'd maybe list what I've learned. Who knows, maybe you can learn from my mistakes?

1. Never take a mandatory attendance class at 8am (you are NOT going to go every time).
2. A social life is great but school comes first, boys come last.
3. Office hours are there for a reason, use them!
4. If you're not 100% on a future career, don't go into Freshman year with a major (if possible). You'll end up changing it a few times.
5. NEVER let God take a back seat in your life, He should be your top priority.
6. Love is great, but the Bible says to guard your heart, and for good reason.
7. Make wise, SOBER decisions.
8. Don't buy every textbook on your list, you're only going to use about half of them.
9. Keep tabs on your money, it gets spent fast!
10. Don't let a few haters get you down.

Well, that's a semi-review of the year. To those of you experiencing your first semester in the fall, best of luck! For the rest f us "college kids" keep truckin'!


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

New Beginnings, New Adventures

"Busy" has definitely been the word of the week, or the few for that matter. Life's pretty good. Not excellent, but getting better and better everyday. I came home last night and I just need to reiterate how much I really love being back in this town. The people here are pretty amazing and they have helped me tremendously throughout all of my difficult times. So, I'm excited to be back with everyone (minus the four days of finals in Fresno). I'm ready for life again. I'm ready for things to continue moving forward and I'm so excited for the things that God is going to do. I feel almost like the poison in my life is gone (minus a few things) and I just feel so much better (kind of when the bako people go down to SLO and breathe fresh air). So this is my new beginning, again. I wonder, how many new beginnings can you have? Regardless, here's anbother new beginning for me and definitely another, new, grand adventure.

Monday, April 28, 2008


These last few weeks have been quite crazy and I know some of you are waiting for an update. Well, a positive one at least. I can't say everything is perfect and back to normal like i wish i could but that just isn't the case. However, i can say that things don't seem to be as difficult and painful as they were. Steve and I are working things out and the outlook is good. I'm amazed out how much we have been through in our time together and, quite honestly, at this point i feel that we can make it through just about anything. With that said, a lot of things still need to be changed. The ex needs to stop calling and texting, something that she said she would do but that she has failed at so far. Also, trust needs to be re-established because i'm tired of asking the same questions over and over but, for my heart's sake, it needs to be done. Thirdly, we need to get the hell out of Fresno. Steve will hopefully be able to ;eave work sometime shortly and we both will be able to have a relationship together. Until then, things are kind of rocky and they will be because he has lost all my trust up here in this town. I am confident though that we will finally get to the point when i am able to breathe and rest, assured that these days and these trials are over. Until then, continued prayer for my health and my relationship with Steve would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry, i'm going to kind of go off topic here but something just popped into my mind. I was talking to my good friend Adrienne on the phone the other day and we've both been having a hard time lately. She said that sometimes things just need to get worse before they get better. In some ways, that statement really does seem true. I pretty much hit rock bottom Saturday night. Sometimes that is what happens. After all, when you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up. After that, things seem to be doing better. Like i said earlier, not perfect, but better. I just pray that I can stay healthy and strong and that I can salvage what I can of my classes this semester. Things sure aren't easy but God really has given my heart peace.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


Again, where do I start? I'm taking backward steps in life and this really isn't fun. It's private so I can't explain everything but I just keep on thinking where I've gone wrong. I have no clue what happened. One moment I'm getting everything together and then another moment everything is just crumbling right in front of me. I am so far down I have no idea how to get back up, if that's even possible. My mind is so scrambled right now, I'll write more later.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Let go.

I don't even know where to begin. My brain is so scrambled i just can't seem to get out a complete thought. I am so hurt, heartbroken, scared, anxious, angry, and so many other things. I have no idea why this is happening and I have no idea on what is right for me to do. I have been sick for two weeks now, haven't been able to hold down any food since Wednesday, and I barely have enough strength in my body to get down from my own bed. This is just ridiculous. My head says let it go but my heart says hold on. I hate that, i really do. I wish that my heart and my head could agree for once. I guess that's why they say love makes you blind because it really does. So, I let go because if this keeps going on I fear that I will honestly end up in the hospital. I can't do that to myself. I have come so far in my life, so far from where I've been and I am not going to take backward steps. I just pray that God can heal me quickly because even letting go isn't going to be easy. Please pray for me.

Friday, April 18, 2008


I thought I'd let everyone in on what's going on lately because I don't know if I can really explain it on an individual basis.
So, the past two weeks have been absolute hell (well, Fresno has been absolute hell). It has probably been one of the worst (not the worst but one of the worst) times in my life. In regards to a relationship, I have never felt so much heart ache in my life. I love Steve so much but at the same time in order to deal with Steve I have to deal with a few (and one person in particular) people who really make life unbearable. In the end, it just wasn't worth it to me. The strain that outsiders had on our relatioship in Fresno was too much to bear and I admit that I crumbled horribly under the pressure. I realized that I cannot, and will not, have a relationship with Steve as long as I have to have those few people in my life. This means that, in Fresno, I cannot be with Steve. I'm so tired of battling and getting hurt daily because someone else refuses to let go (not to mention they're just plain psycho and immature). I don't think I realized how this "battle" affected my mental and physical health until this past week and I will not sacrifice my health to continue to be the only one battling for something. So, I am back in Bakersfield to get better (hopefully) and to be able to clear my mind of all this mess. I have one month left in Fresno and, although I really wanted to drop out, I will finish out the semester and hope that my GPA hasn't been affected too badly. From there, I'm unsure. If I do not get into APU next semester I will most likely be moving back home because Fresno is not an option for me.
With the loss of both my grandmothers and some family issues, this has been an extremely tough 2 semsters and I don't need other people making it worse. So please pray for me. Pray for my health, my patience, and my schooling. Also, please pray for the people that have made my life difficult, that they may have peace and learn to just let go.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Some Verses to Help Me Get Through This

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.
Matthew 6:25-27

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV

Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22 NASB

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Christianity isn't for cowards...

This weekend a group of us went down to SLO and we stayed at the Safina's beach house in Cayucos. Mrs. Safina and I were talking about something and she said, "Christianity isn't for cowards." I've heard this so many times before but it is just now that I am really getting the meaning of it. Since becoming a Christian I can't say that my life has technically become easier but I can say that I feel at peace so much more just because I know that God is always with me. The last few weeks have definitely been extremely tough on me and often I have found myself literally crying out to God. The plans that he has for me are great but because I am choosing to follow Him and be so devoted I am sacrificing so much. It is so hard to watch a relationship crumble right in front of you and not being able to do anything about it because I have made a choice to whole-heartedly serve my Heavenly Father. In my eyes, these changes are difficult but they come with reassurance that God is taking care of me and He is guaranteeing me such a spiritually fulfilled life. I can't compromise the decisions that I am making for God and so I guess I don't fully understand when someone is having a much more difficult time with the changes than I am. I have no idea how much of a journey this will be but I know that God will NEVER give me more than I can handle. His timing will be and is perfect and I just need to have complete faith in that. Nobody said that being a Christian would be easy and now I am just at the beginning of my struggle. I'm going to quote something from Mrs. Safina's blog that sums up exactly what I'm Trying to say, "God doesn't promise you a life without difficulties. But He does promise that He will always be with you." God is sure testing my heart right now so I ask for prayers that I might make it through this tough patch with my relationship intact.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Spark

So I couldn't help but look back at my life during the last few days and look at how certain people have made an amazing impact on me. Of course, my grandmother came to mind and instead of pain this time i felt overjoyed. I'm so excited for what God is doing in my life and I know, as she is looking down, she is excited too. A question went through my mind yesterday and I thought about it for quite a while. What would grandma think? In regards to going into Christian ministry, looking in to mission trips, and just whole-heartedly serving the Lord. I think she would be so proud. Looking back, she is a big motivation for me to get involved more and more into the church. A few memories came to mind of her and YLCC (Yosemite Lakes Community Church) and through those I absolutely know that this is what God wants me to do. She was sort of the backbone of the church, planning VBS, cooking for luncheons, and helping out with anything she can. I am so happy to be basically following in her Amazing footsteps. Its astonishing how you don't really realize how much something in your childhood has impacted you until years down the road. I can only pray to become more and more like her because she is absolutely the best role model to anyone. She loved the Lord and had such a strong relationship with God but she was never judgmental and allowed all sorts of people into her home; believers and non-believers always felt welcome. That's what I hope to do. Bring people to the Lord without using scare tactics or shoving the word down her throat. The Lord used her just like he is beginning to use me and I am so ready for this adventure to begin. So thanks Grams for the spark that has ignited a blazing fire!

Monday, April 7, 2008

An Amazing Sunday

Yesterday was the last day of the God Encounter weekend that Celebration Church does every month. Nesta and I went to the 11:30 Sunday morning service to hear Pastor Randy speak. His sermon was so amazing, it really hit me. It was all about the hand of God and commissioning the hand of God. It was also about miracles and the reason why so many of us say we don't "see" them anymore. A great thing from his message were the 2 points of God's Hand: 1. God's hand will result in something Glorious, 2. God's hand will bring destruction on your enemies. Pretty awesome huh? Also, Pastor Randy pointed out a verse in the Bible about people shortening God's hand. Basically, this means that we doubt God's power. I'm sure we've all been guilty of this at some point or another but we need to remember that God can do anything! He can restore life, fix marriages, even give someone a new eye. Never put God in a box!
That night, we had the closing of Encounter weekend at the clovis facility. This place was huge! Anyways, Phil Munsey (amazing Pastor, man of God) came to speak to us. It was a great message about legacy and how we need to help the generations. The future of this movement is in the kid's hands and if we don't proclaim that everything we have is because of God and His Glory, how will they know? Also, something that spoke truly to my heart, no matter where you are God will always get you to where you need to be. He specifically made you for this time period, this day, this time. He picked your parents for a reason, he made you the way you are for a purpose. How great is that? God specifically planned who I am, who would give birth to me, and how I would serve Him. Makes me look at my past and say, "Wow, I get it God."
Overall, amazing worship Sunday. I grew that much closer to God and affirmed some things that I had been thinking for a while. God is amazing!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Sons of Snakes

Lately I've been feeling "un-Godly". Kind of the only word really that i can use to describe it at this moment. Basically, what I mean by "un-Godly" is simply that I have not been living my life as a Christian, follower of God, like I should be doing. I am human, but I know that I can do so much better than I am doing right now. I am definitely letting life get to me. I'm letting people in general get to me. My temper (you know that lovely thing that gets you in a whole bunch of trouble) has honestly been a little out of control. I've been cursing more, yelling more, arguing more, but, mostly, I've been hurting so much more. Life hasn't been anything like I thought it would be, and I'm realizing that it's going to be much different than I ever thought. But, this rough patch, I guess is just something that I have to deal with, and I should really keep reminding myself to deal with it in a more peaceful manner. Screaming and cursing and fighting is not going to get me through this but God is. I was watching Brad Stine the other day (and amazingly funny Christian comedian) and something actually impacted me. I've been reading a lot more lately about Jesus' life in the book of Luke and I have learned so much more about the relationship Jesus had with the Pharisees. Brad Stine talked about this a little bit and how Jesus even once called the Pharisees Sons of Snakes (in layman's terms obviously). Now, this in no way justifies anything that I have done, but this really conveyed to me that Jesus was indeed human as well and as a human he had emotions and opinions, and everything else that humans have. In that moment, when he called the Pharisees sons of snakes (something very bad in those days) he was showing his human side and showing me that I'm not always going to be "Godly" but I have an obligation to still love the people who oppose me and try to hurt me. Pretty cool moment actually. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, it's okay to let my human side show. It's okay to be angry, to be hurt, to argue every now and then but I always need to remember that God has complete control and, no matter what, I am His child and I must love those around me. I may act wrong at times but little things like that keep me in check.

Sunday, March 30, 2008


Nesta and I decided to try a new church today in Fresno. I haven't been to any churches since I moved here so I thought it was about time to start going. We went to Celebration Church, the name fits it pretty well. It's a very large church (and seems to have much more money than i'm used to in a church!). Eventhough anyone can attend, you can tell that the church is pretty youth oriented; geared to young adults and what not. You walk into the sanctuary and it's set up like a christian rock concert and that's how their worship feels as well Pretty cool i must say. From what I gathered, they have a few different pastors that kind of take turns preaching on Sundays and today's service was pretty good. We took a look at John 2:1-9 (i think that's the right verses, not quite sure). The pastor was pretty energetic and his message was really good as well. The church is very vocal. What i mean by that is they like to shout "amen" and "thank Jesus", stuff like that. I've never been in a church like that so it was definitely a different experience but i really liked it. They have a few things coming up that I would like to attend. Overall, great morning at a new church with a great message!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

John 3:16

So, i was getting out of my car about 15 minutes ago to walk up to my dorm and get ready for the day. In the passenger seat I had my two pillows and a bright yellow forever 21 bag that contained a few clothing items. I reached for the pillows and the bag when the bag tipped over, exposing the bottom of it. Now, i don't examine my shopping bag so i have never noticed this before but on the bottom of the bag in bold lettering was printed "John 3:16". It put a smile right on my face. It was just cool to see that even a chain clothing store is sharing the gospel in a little way. Kind of like In-N-Out with verses printed on their cups and other things. It's just one of those things that makes you pause for a second to thank God for even the smallest action that In-N-Out and Forever 21 are making. Even the small things can catch someone's attention and bring them to the father.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Spring Break

Hmm...so I guess I should update how Spring Break went? Well, it was definitely a break but, honestly, it wasn't that fun. Yeah, i went to Cabo but I was there with just my parents. It's not that fun when you have no one to hang out with. I just basically slept in, tanned, went to dinner, then bed. This continued for a week. Yeah, not the most fun thing ever but all in all, it was nice to have a break.
The highlight of break however was definitely going to church on Easter Sunday. I love going back home and to my home church to see all the people that I miss while I'm in Fresno. Also, The Oaks was just so lively yesterday! We truly had a great service. There's just something about meeting God within the Church that I just love. I love watching the "on fire" Christians and just admiring all their passion. I really want to do ministry. Every time I'm in a Church setting I just feel like I'm home, especially at the Oaks. Man, God is really molding me and it is just so awesome!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Thank you for continually being so patient with me. You are truly amazing.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Our Hearts

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him first in order to find her." -Unknown

A great quote, and it is truly one of my favorites. Our (not just a woman) hearts should be so lost in God that we have to first seek our Maker in order to find what we're looking for. What we're looking for doesn't necessarily pertain to just prince charming. It can mean that as well as success, happiness, servanthood, almost anything that you want it to be really. Just fill in the blank quite honestly. In everything we do, and atempt to do, we should seek God first. God is the only one who truly knows us completely and loves us wholly. He has created us and He holds the map to our lives. He also gave us free will to either choose to follow Him closely or wander off on our own. I've tried wandering, and that wasn't fun. My heart is so lost in God that I consult Him in the decisions that I make and He provides me with the answers I need. It may not be in my time but it is always in the right time, which is His time. So bury your heart in God, and consult Him in whatever you do. Whether it's love, success, happiness, etc, He has it all planned out for you. Trust in Him.

How is your fire burning?

So, I’m here in Mexico sitting in my own selfishness and high-maintenance standards when I read a friend’s blog and it truly humbled me. It made me think about my life, about our lives as Christians and serving God. It made me think to those non-believers who question God’s word, wondering why everything was so different in Biblical times…

In Biblical times…How common is that phrase? In biblical times miracles happened, in biblical times families dropped everything to follow God, in biblical times Christians seemed to be much more passionate…Sometimes, as humans, we are not able to look around and realize that was happened in “biblical times” is happening right now!

Miracles: Miracles are abundant in the Bible, and, man, are they really a true testimony to an Almighty God! In many conversations I have had with non-believers, people commonly ask, “If your God is so mighty and if He can perform miracles, why aren’t there miracles today?” This is the question they ask to further go on and try to convince me that the Bible is just some long literary work. Well, my reply to their egging questions is there are so many miracles, just open your eyes! What many view today as “coincidence” I can view as a miracle. Take, for instance, a friend’s surgery. During the surgery a vein was cut and it “so happened” that the best surgeon for that was prepping for another surgery and was able to get to my friend real quick to patch his vein. Coincidence? No, small miracle that made all the difference and personally strengthened my faith in my maker.

Giving Up Everything To Follow God: We really don’t “see” this often today. But man, is it happening! It may not be so noticeable because our churches are so full of EC Christians (not to offend, your relationship with God is your relationship) but when you meet a Family, who truly lives for God, it is so amazing. What is even more amazing is the impact that that one family can have on so many people. God truly uses us, and when we give up everything to follow Him, that is when he really uses us to make a much bigger impact, for His glory.

Passion: Once again, something we don’t “see” so often but open your eyes! Get out of your comfort zone and listen to God and you will be so on fire for Him! I’m not saying go to a conference or a study, but truly give it all to Him. Overseas, Christians are so passionate! But a lot of that is truly because they have given EVERYTHING to God. They risk their lives in order to serve Him and if you’re risking your life you better be pretty adamant about something. God is worth it, and that is what makes me so passionate!

One thing I have to remind myself of every day is that God is truly amazing. I watch friends who are like family go through so many obstacles but they have remained so faithful to God and that just truly inspires me. I am living in a world where non-believers question my faith and God’s words and, until now, I really haven’t been able to convince myself and them that what happened during the time that the Bible was written is happening now. I get so absorbed in my selfish life that I forget to open my eyes and witness what God is truly doing to me and to so many others around me. In a sense, we are in Biblical times. God is using us NOW, just like he was then. He is performing miracles, guiding families, and lighting a fire underneath us that I really cannot even begin to describe. I am just now getting so excited, not just for me, but for the world. God has amazing plans for what He created and I am so glad to be a part of all of that. My fire is lit and going strong. How is your fire burning?


...I'm indecisive and don't know what the hell to do. That's why.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Foundation on God

I apologize in advanced, a lot of my blogs have and will be mainly focused on this subject as it is my future...
Well, as usual, I'm contemplating God and what he wants for me. I want to be willing to serve God but sometimes I find myself less than that. I have always been one who is afraid to step out of the box but why should I be afraid when God is right there at my side? I just feel ashamed when I know God wants me to move in a certain direction and I either stay where I'm at or don't move at all. Its frustrating for me because I want so much to go along with what I view the future to be but I think that God has something completely different in mind. I need to remember that he will always provide me with my needs and that as long as I walk with Him i will be spiritually fulfilled but as I become older and more of an adult (if you could say that) it becomes increasingly harder for me to make those leaps. And it shouldn't, it really shouldn't. God has taken care of me quite well and I have no reason to not trust Him. Not saying that I don't trust Him but by not listening to Him I am showing a form of distrust and I really hate that. I don't want to make excuses either but I know that is exactly what I am doing to myself in my head. It just seems such a struggle right now. I have no clue how Paul followed God so well in Acts, I don't believe that I can do the same. I guess I'm just scared because I am used to the life that i live right now and I am just so scared of being uprooted. I don't really have the greatest foundation and I know that my foundation should be built upon God and God only. I know exactly how to do that, and i know exactly how He wants me to do that but i'm scared of taking those leaps. God has led me on quite a journey and he has only barely begun. When God says move i need to move but i often find myself stuck, almost like i'm cemented on my path, leaving me stationary with no positive forward progress. I'm frozen in my tracks, quite literally. I just need to trust that God has everything in His hands and that in the end everything is for the better. Yet, I'm a little intimidated on how people will perceive that, even though i shouldn't care. It's just such a tough journey, a tough decision to take that journey. I definitely need a lot of prayer and a lot of help.

Monday, March 10, 2008

What do I want to do with my life?

Ah, the subject Steve is so tired of hearing about: What the heck am I going to do/Where am I going to be in the next few years? AKA, COLLEGE?! Okay, so I've probably beaten this one to death but i have to weigh out my pros and cons. Some input from YOU would always be appreciated eventhough i know that this decision is completely mine to make.

Choice A: Stay at CSU Fresno
Um, yeah, like it says. I could stay at CSU Fresno and do business or ag business and just keep on truckin. Problem: I don't like Fresno! Also, I just don't really feel like it's where I'm suppose to be. SO, it's a possibility to stay but not a very likely one.

Choice B: Cal Poly?
So, I could transfer to Poly as a Junior. Good thing: Poly is freakin awesome! I already know some people there and they are pretty cool. Also, it is so gorgeous and I've always wanted to live near the coast. Problem: I just may not be able to get in and even if I do what am I going to major in?

Choice C: Azusa, Biola, Life Pacific, etc...
I could go the route of a Christian college and to Christian Ministry. Problem: Totally new places where I know nobody and I'm farther from home. But, this is something that I think God may want me to do. I'm not quite sure yet, It'll take a lot of praying but it is definitely awesome. I would love to work in a church and use those organization skills God gave me!

Choice D: CSU Bakersfield
Yeah, kind of a step backwards but not really. The positives: I would live rent free, be close to Steve, study business, and eventually maybe take over my Dad's business. That would be a great opportunity (and a great salary) but I don't know if its what i really want for my life. If i did CSUB i would be able to settle down faster and have a steady income but i would also have to sacrifice a lot by moving back home and being so committed to the business...

So, yeah...there's a lot to think about... Basically, I need to figure out what the heck i want to do with my life. Kind of hard to figure out when you're 18 and so new to everything. So, please keep in your prayers, that God will guide my decision and that, in the end, i will be happy and successful (not necessarily financially successful, just happy and on track with God). Once again, input is always great!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Love Bako

Saturday (Yesterday) was pretty much an awesome day! Got to sleep in a bit, that's always good! Then, breakfast at the club, and then 18 holes of GOLF! Oh My! Haha, I have NEVER played 18 holes before so it was quite the experience. I didn't suck as bad as i thought I would, thanks to the awesome help of Steve! I hit some good ones, and I hit some really bad ones but the point was just being able to be outside for a few hours and enjoy God's creation because it was just a beautiful day.
After golf i took a much needed nap! Then, we went to the Bakersfield Condor's game. For those of you who don't know, its Ice Hockey. The condors lost to Idaho but I wasn't really there to watch the game. WE had one of the box suite things with a bunch of coworkers so i really had a blast catching up with everyone and of course i loved spending that time with Steve as well. He fits in everywhere i go :).
So, yeah, that was my day. Pretty awesome. Just reiterates why I love comeing back to Bakersfield...

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Serving Him

Life doesn't always turn out like you planned. In fact, in my case, life seems to be nothing like you thought it would. But that's the great thing that i am discovering. My life has been full of ups and downs. Especially with God. One minute I loved Him and the next minute I was following his polar opposite. It's just amazing how he has NEVER once let go of me. I ran as far away from Him as possible but His love has drawn me back and I am more committed and willing than ever.
One of the questions that i have been pondering for a couple weeks now is: How am I going to serve God? I don't want to live a life and have my faith on the side, i want my faith to be at the center of my life (haha, just realized that relates back to winter conference). So, i wanted to try and figure this out by first taking a look into my past. My life wasn't the easiest, but no one's is. I have a drama queen for a mother but the polar opposite for a father. A silent and stern step-father but a compassionate and talkative step-mother. It's like living in two worlds. The bridge over this gap was my Grandmother. God really molded something special when he created her. Anyways, what I'm trying to get to is God has continually placed challenges in front of me. I've stumbled through some. crawled through others, and just plain failed in some areas. The point is, God has made me strong. One thing that I am good at is taking malicious criticism. Throw at me what you will but at the end of the day it really won't phase me or change who I am. My life, all the way up to this very moment, has been about God shaping my heart for the future, shaping it to serve Him. I came to college thinking i wanted to do something in the ag industry but man, i was sure wrong. God has a totally different plan for me. He's directed more in the path of serving Him through the church or possibly through missions. I really don't know exactly what His plan is but I trust Him. So, with that trust comes the leap of faith. I've been checking out some Bible colleges and I believe that may be what God is conveying to me. I just feel led to work directly for Him, in His house. What an amazing thing that would be. So I am continuously praying that he may show me the way. I want my life to serve God fully, that is truly my heart's desire.

Monday, February 25, 2008

To God Be The Glory!

Oh my gosh, what an AMAZING weekend! God really moved this week and he touched so many people. It was just so amazing to be a part of it! You see, Friday was the first night of the InterVarsity Winter Conference in Bakersfield and it lasted all the way until Sunday afternoon. We stayed in the First Presbyterian Church of Bakersfield the whole weekend and it was a pretty awesome experience. About 200 InterVarsity students showed up to strengthen their relationship with God.
I was in Track 1: Identity. Basically, this track was all about finding your identity in God and putting him first in your life. We did four small seminars (about 25 minutes or so) that dealt with Relationships, Money, Sexuality, and Community. I really enjoyed the first one, the other three really didn't spark too much in me.
The relationship seminar really got the wheels turning in my head especially since i really want Steve and I to make it and I really want God to be the center of us. Looking back at my notes from this seminar, one of the things that stuck out to me was "Make sure that God has your heart first! Two broken people coming together will just produce one broken relationship." So true! No matter what, God ALWAYS has to come first in order to have a healthy relationship that glorifies God. It was a pretty cool seminar.
That night, Jessica Bauer (InterVarsity Staff Member) spoke to us about "The Real Good News". This was an amazing experience. I obvioulsy know that God forgives us for our sins but the way she presented this was so hard-hitting. One thing from her session that keeps playing in my mind is that there is nothing that you have done that is too horrific for God. NOTHING! That was amazing news to me because sometimes i really don't feel worthy of God's love because i am a sinner and my relationship really wasn't one that glorifies God. She told us about having a repentant heart and how that means to have a true desire to change and do things GOD's way. This is where God hit me over the head with a sledgehammer (metaphorically of course). It was such and intense, emotion filled moment. I honestly heard the audible God and i haven't heard Him in so long! He told me that I need to follow Him and His word. I cannot make my own rules for my life, he has already set them for me. In order to grow closer to God i had to remove everything that was keeping me from Him. It's kinda like a cavity, you cannot put a cap over a decayed tooth without getting all of the decay out of there (thanks Layla!). That's what i had to do and man, this is not going to be easy. I re-dedicated my life to God and following HIS rules. This meant that I had to talk to Steve.
I was nervous to tell him what God has done in my life and what he was telling me. After being sexually active for over four years I had to put an end to it. Telling someone that you've been sexually active with that you can no longer be sexual with them isn't easy. I was so surprised and happy that he was incredibly supportive of it. So, I'm so excited for us! God is moving in me and in us and it is such an exciting time. I'm glad that we can have God as the MAIN focus of our relationship and begin to glorify Him through our actions.
I ask you to please pray for Steve and I. This isn't going to be easy for us but in the long run we truly believe that this will make us a stronger couple.
Praise to God for all of His amazing lessons!

Monday, February 18, 2008


Okay, the last blog really didn't reflect at all what I wanted to say. I was too worried about offending people so lets try this one again:
This weekend was a pretty good one. Friday and Saturday night I stayed at Bryan's lake house with him, Steve, Kevin, and Mantor. On Saturday night Brad and Ryan came up as well. We had a pretty fun time. Friday night we had an awesome bonfire and pretty much just sat there and drank. We played some drinking games when we went back to the house and then hit the hay. Vibrant Kevin woke us all up (well, Mantor was able to sleep through it) to go "hunting". This means we took a pellet gun and went looking for things to shoot at. Well, we really didn't find anything but Kevin did find a pretty sweet paddle boat. So, we pushed that into the deeper part of the creek and paddled around for a bit. Bryan and Steve joined us. A pretty funny picture actually... All four of us in a tiny paddle boat with Steve standing up trying to find fish to shoot at in the water, Ha. After that was lunch, then pretty much the rest of the day was filled with redneck activities. It was pretty awesome. Brad and Ryan showed up around 2am i believe. I was pretty much asleep when they got there.
Steve and I left at about 10 or so to go back to Fresno on Sunday. I am NEVER happy to return to Fresno but the Daytona 500 race was on at noon and Steve did NOT want to miss that. I was originally going to do homework and such while he went to Tanner's to watch the race but after about 30 min at the apartment several people showed up and I really didn't feel like being there alone with them so i tagged along. Nascar wasn't as boring as i thought it would be. I learned quite a bit about it on Sunday and I think i actually enjoyed it. Not as good as football but i kind of like it, lol. Yeah, this weekend was definitely a redneck weekend!
So, Nascar took up the majority of the afternoon. After that we went to eat at the RDH and then just hung out at the apartment for a bit. At about 10 or so people started coming over. A few girls came over that I didn't know but that was okay. It was kinda an awkward situation quite honestly. It definitely reminded why I really don't like being at the apartment. As long as Steve is there it isn't so bad. No major incidents this time, thank God, but several things did piss me off quite a bit. I think I hid it well but I don't know. I don't want to be a bitch but some things got really close to crossing the line. Oh well, no harm no foul i guess?
Anyways, that was my weekend. Pretty normal. I'm definitely looking forward to the winter conference in bakersfield next weekend and having some major God time. I definitely need it. Also, my parents will be home so I will spend some time with them and we'll try to get this whole changing college thing figured out. I really want out of this town ASAP and I think God is ready to move me as well. i guess we'll see...


Hmmm...Well, this weekend was actually a pretty good one. Got out of Fresno for about the 4th week in a row now, that always makes me happy. Friday was Bryan's Birthday and he invited some people over to his lakehouse for a couple nights. Steve and I stayed Friday and Saturday and we definitely had a good time. The lakehouse was pretty basic. There was no bedrooms in it nor bathrooms. You had to walk to the bathroom that was away from the house. It was still pretty awesome though. We were right on the lake. I really didn't hink we would be THAT close. On Saturday energetic Kevin woke us all up at about 9 to go shooting and what not. We ended up finding a paddle boat and dragged it into the little creek thing i guess you could call it. Pretty fun actually. So, Saturday was pretty much filled with lots of sun and good old fashioned fun. Mantor and Kevin found a pretty big canoe and they were pretty much on the lake all day drinking beers and having a good time. The weekend totally brought the redneck out of all of us. Thanks Bryan!!!
So, Steve and I came back Sunday afternoon so that he could go watch Nascar at Tanner's. I originally wasn't going to go with him but there were some issues so i tagged along. I actually learned a lot about Nascar. Scarily, i really didn't find it that boring. Football is still much better but Nascar isn't as bad as i originally thought it was. So, that was pretty cool. That took up most of our afternoon. Later in the evening some people came over to the apartment. Some of them I knew and some of them I didn't. It was okay. Kinda awkward but not bad i suppose.
So, yeah, that was my weekend. Not extremely exciting but it was nice, for the most part. :)

Monday, February 11, 2008


For those of you who don't know, I have a pretty tough decision to make here in the next few months. Fresno has been, well, an interesting experience and I'm pretty much over this town. I am hoping to transfer to Cal Poly San Luis Obispo but I am unable to do that until at least Spring '09, maybe even later. So, i can either stick it out one or two more semesters at CSU Fresno or I can go home and attend BC or CSUB while waiting to get into Cal Poly. I really don't want to stay in Fresno for so many reasons. On the other hand, I have some amazing friends up here that I am going to miss dearly. Also, if I moved back to Bakersfield I would be living with my parents once again and that just seems like a giant step backwards. Yet, if i were to live in Bako again I would be gauranteed my old job (i'll be working there over the summer no matter what) and i could work in between classes and such. That would definitely be nice for my wallet but it isn't really necessary. Also, Steve may be going back to Bako as well if everything for the KCSO (Kern County Sheriff's Office) goes through. So, it would be nice to stay close to Steve for a little while longer. Yet again, I want to go to Cal Poly no matter what so, inevitably, Steve and I will have to deal with distance at some point. I just don't know if it would be best to deal with that sooner or later. So, I've got a lot to think about: Stick it out in Fresno and then go to Cal Poly or move back home for some time and then transfer. I definitely will be praying for God to show me what He wants, your prayers would be helpful as well. Thanks.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Just a Fun Update.

Basically, this weekend was most definitely awesome! Steve surprised me with a trip to the coast and it was tons of fun! We stayed in Morro Bay for two nights and basically just chilled on the beach in Pismo. With everything that has been going on in Fresno it was a really nice break for the two of us. The weekend was filled with great food, tanning, freezing col ocean water, and so much more! We went to Shoreline Calvary Chapel this morning for the 11:15am service. Yeah, that was definitely a great sermon. The pastor was crazy energetic which really brought the sermon alive. I definitely will be going to to Shoreline the next time I'm on the coast. So, yeah, that was our weekend.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Just a small Disclaimer I guess you can say:

This blog is a personal account of my life and my personal growth. As you can tell, I am not perfect and no one is. I have made a lot of bad choices in my past but all of that doesn't matter now. The amazing thing about God is that he sent his son down to Earth to die on the cross; to die for OUR sins so that we may be forgiven. I am human, and with that comes flaws and mistakes that, hopefully, you learn from. This site is not meant for offense but if i do offend someone, oh well. Not everyone is comfortable writing about their struggles and their personal testimonies. To everyone out there who feels the need to write hateful comments, why do read my blog? If you don't like me and you are just here to judge me you are wasting your time. In the end, my Maker is the only judge of my life and I will continue to live my life for Him, not for you. I'll be praying for all of you, I'm sorry if that offends you.

Monday, January 28, 2008

It's not always what it seems.

Last night Steve and i started to watch the movie Beta House, which is one from the American Pie series. Essentially, the movie is about college and about Greek life (sororities and fraternities). Well, we only made it through about half of this movie because, frankly, it disgusted me but it really made me think. Obviously, this movie was a horrible portrayal of college life. I think a lot of people come into college with the mindset of its just all about the party; drinking, smoking, sex, etc. In reality, if you're there for just that you're probably not going to make it past your first semester. Yeah, partying is usually a part of your college "experience" but that isn't the focus. College, as my AgEcon professor states, "...Should be about growth. If you aren't here to change and grow, you're just wasting your time and money." It relates to your life in general actually. Life is about change, about experiencing things and growing as a person. This means you're going to be tested, and tested often. I know I have already been tested quite a bit this semester. I must admit, I don't think I've really passed everything with flying colors. Just this weekend, one of Steve's roomies was being a royal jerk and said a whole load of stuff that was past inappropriate. He really crossed the line with me and i must say I haven't been that angry in a while. So, that night, i went to bed angry. I woke up angry, and have been pretty much holding a grudge since. I know that isn't what God wants me to do. Instead I should be praying for this man. I may not like him and I definitely don't agree with him but I know that I am suppose to love him regardless because we are all God's children. Also, I know this is a test for my relationship with Steve. Not everyone is going to accept us because I know some of his friends just plain don't like me. That's fine, but we can't let that affect our relationship. Steve and I are stronger than we've ever been and I plan to keep it that way, regardless of outside influences. I know God has a lot in store for us so instead of letting trash talkers get to me, to us, we need to pray and continually forgive. Life, relationships, experiences, aren't always what you think they're going to be. God has a plan and usually it's something very different from what you had in mind. When God moves, you move. I surrender everything to Him knowing that in the end, God is in control and will continue to bless me and my relationship.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

New Semester, New Struggles...

Well, the title is pretty self explanatory. It's a brand new semester accompanied by some brand new struggles. First off, putting my faith first isn't going to be the easiest thing for me. Believe it or not, i can actually be a fairly shy person and i really don't like to offend anyone. Standing up for my faith means that, most likely, I'm going to offend someone somewhere down the line. That is why I am becoming a part of InterVarsity. I think this campus ministry will really help me grow in my faith and be able to stand up for God in every circumstance. Our topic this semester will be "Get Real, Not Religious". Great topic for what's going on in my life right now! Basically, get real not religious means being real with yourself and your faith. Sometimes we get stuck into religious stereotypes and we feel that we must change to fit that perfect Christianity mold. That's not really true. God created us, flaws and all, for a reason. We have unique personalities and experiences that should help us further spread the word of our Heavenly Father. Getting real means getting out there, standing up for your faith whether it be in a casual conversation with a friend or a discussion in class with a professor. Don't shut up just because you're afraid that people will think you're a freak for having faith in God. This will really test me this semester. I have a strong faith in God, i trust Him and i put my life in Him but i am ashamed to say that i don't always stand up for him. I don't openly pray for m y food in the cafeteria because i am afraid of the way people may perceive me. I don't openly pray at night because i am afraid that my roommate or someone else may become offended. I don't stand up for God in social situations, and that really bugs me. For instance, i was watching TV with Audra before winter break and a commercial came on about the true meaning of the season. Basically the commercial was about Jesus' birth and how he is our savior. After the commercial Audra was kind of disgusted and said something along the lines of, "I hate that commercial. You're not religious or anything are you?" Instead of saying, "That commercial shows us how we should celebrate the holidays and i am a firm believer in Christ" i simply said, "No". So that is just one of my struggles this semester: Not being afraid to speak up for my God and show that He is among us and He is an Almighty God and i have complete faith in him.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Getting Back Into The Swing Of Things...

So, it is now the second week of school and everyone is settling into their usual routines. This semester will be really challenging for me. I have six classes, five of which require mandatory attendance. Not extremely happy about that but at the same time it will keep me motivated to go to class. Because of this, i am hoping to pull off a 3.5 this semester. Sounds doable, i just need to keep on motivating myself. Along with school, I am dedicating more time to Justa. At the very least, i will be with her Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. I kind of neglected her a bit last semester so i want to make sure that she stays fit and healthy this semester. Also, I am going to start going to InterVarsity's "Encounter" (a large group bible study held every tuesday @ 7). I really need to keep my faith strong, i don't want to become wishy washy again, so doing a weekly (at least weekly, maybe I'll do a small group as well) bible study should help me to grow in my faith and keep my faith strong. Okay, the scheduling doesn't stop there, i also want to keep fit so i am dedicating more time to rock climbing. I am hoping to do this three to four times a week. So, my days are gonna be pretty full. Not to mention all the studying in between, can ya tell I'm oh so excited about that? So, i definitely will not be working this semester, i don't think i can fit that in, lol. I like this schedule this semester though. It'll keep me busy, more productive, and overall it should keep me on track and make me more responsible. I'm actually pretty excited for this semester. I know God has a lot in store for me and I can't wait to see how He molds me. So, that's my update for now. Just getting into the swing of things.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Blessings from God

Wow, there is so much to write about!!!!
So, first off, I went to SLO (San Luis Obispo) for the weekend. We spent 2 nights there and it was just amazing! A great time full of old friends, waves, sand, bonfires, and great new friends! It was truly a great trip, I don't think we could have had a better time. God truly blessed us.
So, from there, school started on yesterday. i got back Monday and i was so excited to see everyone! I successfully moved back into the dorms and I am enjoying spending time with all the people that I missed so much. School has been good so far. Almost all of my classes have mandatory attendance so i will definitely be going to class this semester! That's a good thing though because it will keep me focused and hopefully i can pull off a 3.5 this semester!
Another great update is how God continues to bless me and fill me with his spirit. He has been so good to me. I'm not saying that everything is perfect, because it never can be, but God has filled me with so much peace and love it's just so amazing! He truly is an Almighty God!
One great blessing that God has given me is Steve. I missed him incredibly over break and I am so excited to be back and spending time with him. We have both grown and I beleive it has made us that much stronger. Right now, we are taking things slow and are just friends and I am absolutely loving that. I really beleive God placed Steve in my life and not temporarily. I'm so excited that this time around God can be the center of Steve and I's relationship.It just makes me so excited and so happy! Nothing is more important to me than God,and I am so happy that I can grow sprititually with someone and put God first. This is a new feeling and it is amazing!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Wait On Me

I'm feeling a little unsettled today. First off, I'm fasting (no food=grumpy, lol) but it's for a great reason. Tonight we are having prayer at my house and breaking the fast for Chris but i'm a little upset with my parents. They are christians but sometimes i just wish we could pray togeher and worship the Lord as a family. Praying with the Champions is something very important to me, seeing as i have grown close with this family and have gotten to know them over the past few years. At first, my step-mom was all about helping out with tonight and picking up some stuff but this morning all she could really say was "we'll see, i'm busy". Busy with what? All she usually does is sit and do crosswords all day. Also, they decided that they are going to Tom and Karen's tonight instead of praying with us, that was a little upsetting as well. I think, i just feel disappointed in them for once and I just can't explian well enough as to why.
I'm also, for lack of a better word, nervous you could say. Sunday I am going back to Fresno and i will be packing up all of my stuff from Steve's place and moving back into the dorms. I'm really not looking forward to this. Breakups in general are never "fun" but moving out of someone's place just makes it that much worse. I've never been in this situation before so it just plain sucks. I'm trying to organize a list in my head of everything i need to get, all in one trip. It's gonna take freakin' forever (not really but it will seem like it). It's also a little embarrassing because i'm sure, seeing as its a Sunday, Ryan and Audra and possibly Mantor will be there and i have no clue how they feel about me now that all of this is over. Oh, and i'm not looking forward to talking to Steve. At this point I'm almost 100% posistive that this is a definite, permanent thing (us not being together) so, I really don't know what there is to say at this point. I obviously don't want him out of my life, and i would love to be friends at least. I guess I'm just fearing one of those conversations thast just basically says "I don't want to be with you, so lets be friends (insert awkward silence here)". I just don't like those you know? And at this particular time I'm just emotionally tired and I fear that I'll start crying Sunday just because of everything that's going on, and I hate crying in front of anyone (and that just makes it even worse). So, I've been praying my heart out and God is good. I know he will continue to fill me with peace but the focus of my prayers is not on me but the Champions. I know what i am going through cannot even begin to compare with what the Champions are going through right now. So, my heart is exhausted with prayer but i will continue because i know God is good, and he is mighty. He hears our prayers and he is responding. "Wait on me..." is what I"ve been hearing and I will wait on God with unwaivering faith.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Take a Step Back

Hmmm, well, nothing really to say about work today but I do have quite a load on my mind. We’ll start with some saddening news first: today was Chris’ appointment down in UCLA. He had a kind of bump (I believe they said it was swollen lymph node?) show up a few weeks ago. I really didn’t get too much information on his Dr.’s appointment today but Chris sent me a text message stating that the news wasn’t good. It was upsetting because he fought so hard his entire senior year and we thought the cancer was gone but now there is a chance its back. He and his family are definitely in my prayers as well as so many other people’s prayers. So, I would ask you to do the same. Please keep Chris and his family in your thoughts and prayers.
What is going on with Chris really made me think about God and how wonderful his healing powers can be even though sometimes you can feel like he doesn’t listen to your prayers at all. I was talking to a coworker about praying today and he brought up something interesting: he said that he writes down every prayer and keeps track of every prayer answered. He said it really helps his faith. Now, I’m personally not going to tally up every prayer that has been answered but it made me really think about all the prayers God has answered for me this week. First off, I stopped taking my sleeping pills because I realized that I shouldn’t be dependent on anything or anyone but God and so I have been praying for sleep. God has definitely answered that prayer and even though I sleep better with my sleeping pills, I am amazed that God has blessed me a full night’s rest for the past couple days. I will still wake up in the middle of sleep but when I do I’m not awake as long and it isn’t as frequent. Another prayer that has been answered is the amazing peace that God has given me. The past semester was just full of troubles and pain but God has really healed me and given me great peace within myself. I am so grateful and thankful to have such an Amazing God.
With all God has done for me, I have been highly reflective this evening. I was thinking more about the situation with me and Steve and about the living situation we used to have. I wasn’t happy living with Steve and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why but I just realized it. I’ve always been an independent person but I felt like I was losing that when living with Steve. I mean, He, Mantor, and Ryan paid rent at that apartment and I did not. That’s really not okay with me whatsoever. Why should I be able to stay somewhere rent free while they all worked hard to pay for rent and utilities? Being in that situation just made me feel bad about it all and I really wasn’t comfortable living there. It was kind of like walking on eggshells and actually, at times, it reminded me of my mother’s house. Next time I live in an apartment, I want to be a rent payer just like everyone else. Also, my life was too much about Steve, and that was my fault. By moving out of the dorms so soon I removed myself from people who I bonded so closely with in such a short amount of time. My focus wasn’t on school, God, or my friends, but on Steve and that’s a problem. God should always be first, and my education comes in second. My friends also take priority because, no offense to anyone, friends are forever and most relationships aren’t. Plus, you can’t have a strong, happy relationship when you aren’t completely happy yourself. It’s amazing what you see when you take a step back and how clear everything becomes. Another thing making me tense was all my headaches. It’s annoying and frustrating when day in and day out your head is in pain. Unfortunately, this issue still has yet to be fixed but I’m dealing with it better. I still have headaches everyday but I’m not over medicating (like a whole vicodin for a headache that isn’t a migraine) and I’m not being stubborn about taking something such as ibuprofen for them. Timing is everything and catching my headaches early is the key.
Well, I think that’s about it for today. And that was a lot. Peace, love, and God.

Sunday, January 6, 2008


Okay, so today was nothing short of freakin’ amazing! Emily, Mj, Chris, Mihaela, Cathy, and I met up at church this morning to head for Cal Poly to help move Chris back in to the dorms. We got there at about noon and it was gorgeous! I absolutely love the campus, I’m so jealous! After hanging out at Chris’ dorm for a bit and meeting two people (Donavan and Mike), we headed out to find food. Nothing was open on campus so we ended up driving to Splash CafĂ© which, if you’ve never been there, has pretty awesome food. After that, Mike invited us to his beach house a few towns over (about a 20 min. drive). So, us highly intelligent college students (Chris, Mike, and I) and one brave senior (Emily) put on (with high difficulty) wet suits and headed down to the ocean with the rest of the gang for some boogie boarding. The water was freezing and I could no longer feel my hands and feet but I haven’t had that much fun in a long time! It was just so spontaneous and random, it was great! It was a great form of exercise too seeing as there was such a strong undertow. Mike didn’t really help with that when he told us that a surfer was dragged way out to sea just the other day by the undertow and they have yet to find him. Gee, thanks Mike. Anyways, after that, we just chilled at Mike’s beach house and watched a few movies. His parents came to the house around five and they are amazing! His mom brought all sorts of food and his dad made us some espresso (was very handy for the drive home). It was really awesome time because, in just a few short hours of knowing some of these people, it really felt like we were surrounded by family. I felt like I knew Mike and Donovan much longer than a few hours and vice versa. Who knew SLO could feel almost like home?
So, because this trip was such an enormous success, we’re hopefully going to go back next Saturday before I have to go back to Fresno. I’m excited already. I love the weather there, and I have always loved the beach. Who knows, if Cal Poly accepts, maybe I’ll transfer. I would absolutely love that!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


I’ve decided that my New Year Resolution is to keep a personal Journal, mostly typed but some of it may be handwritten from time to time. I’ve decided this because I have realized that writing my thoughts just calms me and I truly love to write. It’s like having a one-sided conversation on paper, if you will. Some of the stuff I write will be posted on my blog site while some of it may be kept personal for just me or whomever I choose to read it. In the Journal I will try to document the whole day (an abbreviated version of course) even if that means all I can seem to get out of my mind is a few sentences. Something is always better than nothing. So, what a better way to start of my New Year’s Resolution by starting this journal right now?

So, i actually started this Journal on the 1st, and i'll skip that entry, but here is my journal entry for today:

Busy, busy, busy! Today was a ridiculously busy day! I guess everyone’s New Year’s Resolution was to get a job and they all came into Work Force to do it. We must have had at least 60 applicants, seriously. Now that’s a lot! As usual, I didn’t get a lunch break until fairly late because I really didn’t want to fall behind. Eventually, I forced myself to take one a little after two because I felt myself getting a little snappy and stressed. I really tried to take an hour lunch for once, but I fell about 20 minutes short. Oh well, what can I say? I’m a workaholic when I have a full time job. I just wish I could apply my determination at work to my studies. Now that would be something amazing.
Speaking of studies, I checked my grades today. Out of five classes, three of my grades were up: B (ASci), B (Math45), C (NS4). Not bad so far, just waiting on two more now. I want as close to a 3.0 as possible, so hopefully my other two grades will be B’s. I’ll just have to wait. Man, isn’t that just life’s story: Waiting…
So, speaking of waiting, which requires patience, I realized that I get so wound up sometimes that it takes me FOREVER to relax. I’ve just never been a very patient person and I seem to want everything NOW. Yeah, I know, sounds completely bratty. God is teaching me a lesson of patience as well. I know I can’t have things instantaneously, I know he will not give them to me immediately, because that is exactly what I want. God wants me to wait for things, to actually take my time, relax. Yeah, “relax” really isn’t in my vocabulary actually. I’m horrible at it, so is my mother (yikes, something we have in common!). I realized today that relaxing is part of my problem as well. I need to be able to wind down from a stressful situation and become centered again. I tend to get to caught up in everything and get twisted so tightly that it seems impossible to just let go of whatever is stressing me. Now that I’ve fully come to realize this, I am able to work on it. Eventually, relaxing should become easier and easier, but for now it takes a little more time. But, God is amazing and he continues to fill me with peace and no matter how wound up I get I can always turn to Him. I guess what I’m saying is I am realizing my flaws one by one, and I’m working on them. I can’t guarantee perfection, but I can guarantee a workaholic’s effort (which is a lot, lol). So, patience and relaxation will come, and I feel that this is another start to something great. Man, what a few days with God this has been!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008


Today, me and some friends decided to go to the snow. We kinda come up with this plan spontaneously a couple days ago and we actually followed through with it. Man, i had a blast! For such an impromptu trip we had things fairly organized (not that there was much to be organized) So, we took two cars: my truck and Dawn's Saturn Vue. We headed up to Shirley Meadows, which was about and hour and a half trip. It was definitely worth it to be able to be in the snow finally! We parked on the side of the road and just kind of explored the landscape. We found some awesome places to sled, everything was awesome. I really missed the snow and I forgot how gorgeous it was. it really reminded me of God's beauty in this world and I am so blessed to be a part of His creation. God blessed our crew with a safe trip up and down the mountain and it was just nice to spend time with friends that will soon be going back to college after this winter break. So, that's really all i wanted to say. Just another beautiful day, enjoying God's creations and the people in my life.


Oh my gosh, I feel like I have so much to talk about but I just don’t know how to organize it! I guess I will go by the day’s events and what was going on in my mind in chronological order. Sorry if you get confused…

So, today was a usual work day. Get up, get dressed, go to work, etc. Unfortunately, my mind was so busy and distracted that it seemed like I got barely any work done at all. It’s a miracle that I’m not actually behind! My mind was working overtime. In fact, if you peered into my skull you would have probably seen a bunch of little people just running around frantically in what seems like pure chaos. I was just so excited, I guess you could say but at the same time I was feeling a little blue. I miss Steve (yes, I miss him already after like 2 days), I really do and I feel horrible for the way I had been treating him the past couple weeks. It just feels weird not texting him in the morning, telling him I love him, and pretty much not really talking to him whatsoever. My heart aches but I still stand that this decision for space was a good one. I really do hope that things can be sorted out though. I love him and I would love nothing more than to resume a relationship with him when the time is right but I don’t know how he feels about everything so I will just have to wait on him and see.

On the other hand (and what was mostly on my mind) I was so excited about my spiritual re-awakening I guess you could say. God has really “opened the eyes to my heart” and it is amazing how I am starting to view things! Don’t get me wrong, I’m human and still a sinner but I really feel God molding me know. I really feel that God is getting me ready for something. I don’t really know what and I don’t know when it will happen but I am just so excited over it. It’s like, God has given me this great, amazing gift, but I can’t open it just yet. He gives me hints here and there but I’m not able to guess it. All I know is that God has been so faithful and so loyal to me even though I have turned away from him a few times this year. I am finally ready to take that leap of faith with God, to follow and to serve Him. Yeah, I think the road will get tough, but that is God testing me. In the past, I have failed, and I have failed miserably but there is something going on now, inside of me that I just can’t deny. It’s like I want to shout to the world that Jesus is our Savior that God is the King of all Kings, and through him you will have a spiritually fulfilled life. I think God is really calling me to be baptized, I honestly think that it is about time and I am ready to take that step. I figured this out while at work. I went to the relevance magazine website (a Christian magazine) and found some articles that really forced me to think about God. These articles forced me to analyze my life, and to analyze my relationship with God and I realize that I have never been so spiritually fulfilled in my entire life. Yesterday (well, actually, 2 days ago I guess), December 30, I finally said, “Okay God, I trust You. I give everything to You. My life is Yours and I shall serve you and be faithful to You. My actions will be for the glory of God, not for the glory of me. I surrender God, I truly surrender”. Man, do you know how amazing that feels?! The past couple days I have grown more than in the past few months. God has healed my spiritual wounds and I dedicate my life to serving Him.

Later on in the day, my mind goes into reflection mode. After all, it is now 2008 and most of us tend to take a look back at the previous year. In a nutshell, 2007 was a crazy, amazing, wacky, spontaneous, heartbreaking, and almost any adjective you could think of, year. I graduated, left Bakersfield for Fresno, and finished my first semester of college. I made new friendships, lost old ones, and fell in love. I lost one of the dearest people to me, but gained and amazing relationship with God. I had been severely tested in 2007. From battling three addictions, to learning how to just let go. I’ve made mistakes but learned from them. Overall, I’m proud of myself. 2007 was a tough year, probably one of my toughest, and I made it out just fine. So here’s to 2008, may it be filled with life, love, happiness, and God!