There has been so much going on in the past few years that sometimes I just break down and sob. I wish I was just sobbing for the recent things, but it's the accumulation of the past two years that makes me just break down. As I'm weeping right now, I realized that it all somehow goes back to the biggest loss in my life, my Grandmother.
I miss her horribly. Worse than that. She came up in therapy today and my therapist brought up such a great point. Grandma was my safe place. No matter what was happening in my life, no matter how bad I hurt, she was always there to make it all better somehow. I knew that with her, I was safe. I didn't realize how important that safety was to my life until I somehow remembered some pretty traumatic stuff in my childhood, and recognized a horrible pattern in the generations of my family. Grandma was the one who fought for me, my voice was heard through her. She was truly the one who saved me from myself, and now I realized she also saved me from my family. Without her, I think I'd just be continuing the vicious cycle but because she fought so hard on my behalf, I am so proud to say that it all ends with me.
I wish she was here daily. Especially this year. I need her comfort, her strength, her voice. Mostly, I need my safe place. I want that refuge and stability. I want her to fight for me, to help me be heard. I seem to miss her more and more as time goes by, as life gets harder and I feel so alone in so many decisions I have to make. If she was here, she'd be so upset. She'd be so angry to see what has happened to her family, how we've just fallen apart and forgotten about all the important little things. What a wonderful day it will be when I get to see her again. When she can welcome me home, and once again I will be safe. Until then I pray that God gives me strength and I thank him so much for the safe places I do have.
But it's days like this, when I weep for my safe place. Wishing I could be there to sit safely and just watch the storm as it goes by.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
God's little reminders
"Lord, I am your daughter who longs to serve you, I trust your words. Do your work, for I have confidence that it's good."
I found this while sorting through some of books. I wasn't looking for anything in particular,just something interesting to put on my new shelf that I installed in my bedroom. I found the book "Through the Looking Glass: And what Alice found there". This is the original "Alice in Wonderland" and it's an original copy of the book. This book was given to me by my grandmother when she found me in the shed sorting through, and reading some of her old books. I begin to open the pages of the book and found a piece of paper that I used as a bookmark. It was a prescription for Restoril that i was prescribed at Fresno state for sleeping issues. On the back of that paper, was the quote above, written by me. I don't remember writing this quote, in fact, I barely remember being prescribed something for sleep. At that point in my life, I was already having issues with Steve and really the most I remember about my freshman year of college is constant overdosing. That's why that quote intrigues me so much. Maybe I wrote it as a prayer, as a cry to God. Maybe someone told me to write it down. I have no clue. But i do know that quote is exactly what I needed right now. Its easy to just ride the rollercoaster and forget what life is really about. I long to serve the Lord, to glorify his name. I trust in home, even when the enemy preys on my weaknesses. I have confidence in the Lord, his works are good. All He does is for good. It may not seem like it right now but someday I'll look back and realize what God is doing here.
Thank you God for the small things, for forgotten notes like this, that seem to "reappear" at just the right times. I feel empowered again, strengthened. I feel reassured that I am taking the right steps and God is looking down on me, proud to say that I am His daughter. That's so nice to think about. I hope Grandma is looking down too, proud to see her youngest grandchild fight the good fight. Lord, I am your daughter who longs to serve you. I trust your words, do your work, for I have confidence that its good.
I found this while sorting through some of books. I wasn't looking for anything in particular,just something interesting to put on my new shelf that I installed in my bedroom. I found the book "Through the Looking Glass: And what Alice found there". This is the original "Alice in Wonderland" and it's an original copy of the book. This book was given to me by my grandmother when she found me in the shed sorting through, and reading some of her old books. I begin to open the pages of the book and found a piece of paper that I used as a bookmark. It was a prescription for Restoril that i was prescribed at Fresno state for sleeping issues. On the back of that paper, was the quote above, written by me. I don't remember writing this quote, in fact, I barely remember being prescribed something for sleep. At that point in my life, I was already having issues with Steve and really the most I remember about my freshman year of college is constant overdosing. That's why that quote intrigues me so much. Maybe I wrote it as a prayer, as a cry to God. Maybe someone told me to write it down. I have no clue. But i do know that quote is exactly what I needed right now. Its easy to just ride the rollercoaster and forget what life is really about. I long to serve the Lord, to glorify his name. I trust in home, even when the enemy preys on my weaknesses. I have confidence in the Lord, his works are good. All He does is for good. It may not seem like it right now but someday I'll look back and realize what God is doing here.
Thank you God for the small things, for forgotten notes like this, that seem to "reappear" at just the right times. I feel empowered again, strengthened. I feel reassured that I am taking the right steps and God is looking down on me, proud to say that I am His daughter. That's so nice to think about. I hope Grandma is looking down too, proud to see her youngest grandchild fight the good fight. Lord, I am your daughter who longs to serve you. I trust your words, do your work, for I have confidence that its good.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Mute
I haven't updated in a long time. Mostly because I either haven't had much to write or I just wasn't ready to share what had been going on. Well, I'm still not ready but I'm quite angry so i thought i'd let some of it out.
Life lately has been rough. I know I use that term quite a lot but this time I don't mean measly ups and downs, I mean some serious stuff has happened and with everything else that has gone on these past few years, I've had enough. I'm in physical and emotional pain now and the worst part is i feel like I have absolutely no voice.
About a month ago I was sexually assaulted in my own home. I won't state details because that is not the purpose of telling you all about it. The purpose is, it is so hard for someone to get Earthly justice when something like that happens. Since the incident, I have been working hard to get the Judicial system to just listen to me, to hear me out. They decided not to press charges, stating that the offenders explanations were reasonable. In fact, the soon to be District Attorney pretty much blamed me for the entire incident. What a slap in the face. Dwell on this for a moment, and I'll get back to it.
Also recently, I have been in an incredible amount of pain, due to my hip. I've been through this before; Doctors, x-rays, MRIs, medications, etc. all leading nowhere. I dropped it a couple years ago but the pain is so intense that this week I decided to do something about it again. Saw my doctor, and she wasn't concerned. She simply referred me to the pain management department and said they would get back to me within a week. Does excruciating, intolerable pain mean nothing to the Doctors that are suppose to make you feel better? Well, today I really couldn't handle the pain so I went to the hospital. The doc there said it was bursitis. I said they ruled that out a few years ago. He insisted it was bursitis so I let him inject my hip with an excruciating shot of cortisone. Yeah, that helped..not. He told me give it a week, although he was stumped as to why the anisthetic he gave me wasn't making the pain any better, just worse.
So those two things bring me to the title of this blog. I feel like I have no voice, anywhere. Im shut down by the courts, I'm shut down by the doctors. I'm shut down by the people who are there to help me. I could sit there and scream at them if i wanted and I know it would be going through one ear and out the other. What has happened in society where one person does not have a voice? Or is it just me? At this point, I'm at the brink of giving up. I pray for God to give me strength and let me be heard but I fear i'm just so tired of all this. I simply cannot take it anymore. I'm mute. I scream and scream and scream and no one hears me, no one does anything about it. I'm lost, confused, but mostly angry. I haven't been this frustrated and low in years. I'm on mute.
Life lately has been rough. I know I use that term quite a lot but this time I don't mean measly ups and downs, I mean some serious stuff has happened and with everything else that has gone on these past few years, I've had enough. I'm in physical and emotional pain now and the worst part is i feel like I have absolutely no voice.
About a month ago I was sexually assaulted in my own home. I won't state details because that is not the purpose of telling you all about it. The purpose is, it is so hard for someone to get Earthly justice when something like that happens. Since the incident, I have been working hard to get the Judicial system to just listen to me, to hear me out. They decided not to press charges, stating that the offenders explanations were reasonable. In fact, the soon to be District Attorney pretty much blamed me for the entire incident. What a slap in the face. Dwell on this for a moment, and I'll get back to it.
Also recently, I have been in an incredible amount of pain, due to my hip. I've been through this before; Doctors, x-rays, MRIs, medications, etc. all leading nowhere. I dropped it a couple years ago but the pain is so intense that this week I decided to do something about it again. Saw my doctor, and she wasn't concerned. She simply referred me to the pain management department and said they would get back to me within a week. Does excruciating, intolerable pain mean nothing to the Doctors that are suppose to make you feel better? Well, today I really couldn't handle the pain so I went to the hospital. The doc there said it was bursitis. I said they ruled that out a few years ago. He insisted it was bursitis so I let him inject my hip with an excruciating shot of cortisone. Yeah, that helped..not. He told me give it a week, although he was stumped as to why the anisthetic he gave me wasn't making the pain any better, just worse.
So those two things bring me to the title of this blog. I feel like I have no voice, anywhere. Im shut down by the courts, I'm shut down by the doctors. I'm shut down by the people who are there to help me. I could sit there and scream at them if i wanted and I know it would be going through one ear and out the other. What has happened in society where one person does not have a voice? Or is it just me? At this point, I'm at the brink of giving up. I pray for God to give me strength and let me be heard but I fear i'm just so tired of all this. I simply cannot take it anymore. I'm mute. I scream and scream and scream and no one hears me, no one does anything about it. I'm lost, confused, but mostly angry. I haven't been this frustrated and low in years. I'm on mute.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Hi
Well, I know I have posted in a really long time. I'm still unsure of what to say these days. There have been some amazing moments and there have been moments where i've really had to rely on God to pull me through. Life has definitely changed. So have people. I don't know how to quite put it so I won't elaborate on it. Quite frankly, things just suck. I mean, I have spiritually grown so much and I know I have impacted a few people with my faith and with Chris' story but I can't write a blog and pretend everything is going perfectly. It's still hard to focus on schoolwork and keeping my meds is a hassle. I swear sometimes that if it's not one thing it seems to be another. I know God is still good though so I just keep going. Go until I get a no from God and I guess that's just the way I need to do things to get through all this change. Well, there is a small update I suppose. I hope all of you are doing well.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sigh
I really don't know what to say here but I feel that I need to write something.
Chris' memorial was on Saturday and it was beautiful. John Bryant shared a great message and it was nice to hear some stories from Chris' friends. coworkers, and even acquaintances. It was very nice to see the number of people that showed up. Such a testimony to a wonderful person. I must admit, as beautiful as the memorial was, it was very difficult to sit through. I felt like I was hit by a truck, for lack of a better example. It made Chris' passing real. Not that it wasn't before Saturday, it just made everything so final. So I guess now life is suppose to move forward but I feel somewhat stuck. People say things get easier with time but in this situation, it feels exactly like the opposite. Everyday I still go to the Champions, and everyday it gets harder. Things just don't feel right without Chris. We had a barbecue last night and it just felt weird to me. Chris was missing, and there is no way to fix that problem. It's really a hole in my heart that only God will be able to fill.
Also, my sleeping pattern has yet to become normal again. I am so deprived of sleep and I am sure that is not making any of this better. I'm unsure how to fix that as well. I have a Doctor's appointment next week so hopefully we can discuss how to treat the sleep deprivation.
Like I said, things just feel weird. I find myself writing this midday at work in a horrible attempt to keep myself from a complete breakdown. I really hate all this. I'm not angry at God, just upset at the situation. I know that, even through death, Chris is continuing to touch so many lives and I'm being so incredibly selfish wishing that he was still here but I can't help it. Also, if I feel this way, I can't imagine how Chris' family, and Emily is feeling. I actually feel quite selfish for posting a blog about my heartache when I know others are suffering much more. I just can't quite help it. I miss Chris so much. I miss our theoretical conversations, his theories on certain biblical passages, and his jokes about my love life that always contained a serious and true message. I'm sad that my future husband and my future kids will never have the chance to meet Chris. I am also sad that my brother and mother were unable to meet him because I believe he would have truly inspired them like he did me.
I should probably end this blog because at this rate I could seriously go on forever. For those of you who are missing Chris, just as I am, I pray for all of us everyday and I know Chris is praying for us to. May God fill that void we contain in our hearts and may He comfort us. If I know one thing, I know that Chris wants us to know he is truly happy and we need to keep our eyes upon the Lord. Thank you to those of you who have been praying for aching hearts. Your prayers are definitely being heard and answered. God is still good, and He is still victorious. That's really all I have to say right now.
Chris' memorial was on Saturday and it was beautiful. John Bryant shared a great message and it was nice to hear some stories from Chris' friends. coworkers, and even acquaintances. It was very nice to see the number of people that showed up. Such a testimony to a wonderful person. I must admit, as beautiful as the memorial was, it was very difficult to sit through. I felt like I was hit by a truck, for lack of a better example. It made Chris' passing real. Not that it wasn't before Saturday, it just made everything so final. So I guess now life is suppose to move forward but I feel somewhat stuck. People say things get easier with time but in this situation, it feels exactly like the opposite. Everyday I still go to the Champions, and everyday it gets harder. Things just don't feel right without Chris. We had a barbecue last night and it just felt weird to me. Chris was missing, and there is no way to fix that problem. It's really a hole in my heart that only God will be able to fill.
Also, my sleeping pattern has yet to become normal again. I am so deprived of sleep and I am sure that is not making any of this better. I'm unsure how to fix that as well. I have a Doctor's appointment next week so hopefully we can discuss how to treat the sleep deprivation.
Like I said, things just feel weird. I find myself writing this midday at work in a horrible attempt to keep myself from a complete breakdown. I really hate all this. I'm not angry at God, just upset at the situation. I know that, even through death, Chris is continuing to touch so many lives and I'm being so incredibly selfish wishing that he was still here but I can't help it. Also, if I feel this way, I can't imagine how Chris' family, and Emily is feeling. I actually feel quite selfish for posting a blog about my heartache when I know others are suffering much more. I just can't quite help it. I miss Chris so much. I miss our theoretical conversations, his theories on certain biblical passages, and his jokes about my love life that always contained a serious and true message. I'm sad that my future husband and my future kids will never have the chance to meet Chris. I am also sad that my brother and mother were unable to meet him because I believe he would have truly inspired them like he did me.
I should probably end this blog because at this rate I could seriously go on forever. For those of you who are missing Chris, just as I am, I pray for all of us everyday and I know Chris is praying for us to. May God fill that void we contain in our hearts and may He comfort us. If I know one thing, I know that Chris wants us to know he is truly happy and we need to keep our eyes upon the Lord. Thank you to those of you who have been praying for aching hearts. Your prayers are definitely being heard and answered. God is still good, and He is still victorious. That's really all I have to say right now.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A week
So, It's been a week and I really don't know what to say. I miss Chris very much. Everything just seems so different. I've been spending nights at home lately and I really don't like it. I truly sleep horribly and I wake up to so many cruel dreams. I'm still in denial I will admit. I still can't believe Chris isn't here and I really don't want to believe it. All I can do is keep praying to God and praising Him for the little things and asking Him for comfort and strength. Even through the sadness and anxiety, have been able to focus and act on things that Chris has inspired me to do. I am ready for school to start so I can get closer to getting my bachelor's of science in Nursing. Chris really inspired me to get into the medical field and through helping to take care of Chris, I know that I am more than capable of acing my classes to help other cancer patients strive.
Thank you Chris so much for being such an inspiration. You have softened my heart and helped to show me what my passion truly is. You're amazing bud and I can't wait to share your testimony with anyone who will listen. I am so proud to be your friend.
Saturday is going to be so hard. I'm not ready for it but I know as long as I keep focused on the Lord, everything is going to be okay.
Thank you Chris so much for being such an inspiration. You have softened my heart and helped to show me what my passion truly is. You're amazing bud and I can't wait to share your testimony with anyone who will listen. I am so proud to be your friend.
Saturday is going to be so hard. I'm not ready for it but I know as long as I keep focused on the Lord, everything is going to be okay.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Until I see you again
I've been meaning to update my blog for a very long time now but I just haven't known what to say.
Yesterday evening, Chris Champion passed away. Friends and family had been gathering around him for days, preparing their hearts and saying their goodbyes, but I don't believe anyone can fully prepare themselves for the death of a loved one. Last night was filled with tears, praise, and worship. It was amazing to me that even through all the sadness, we could still give God thanks for so many things. That's really a te4stimony to Chris. Just like his father, he wanted to give all the Glory, through his life and even death, if God called him for it. In his 20 years here, he has affected so many people. His wisdom and faith far surpassed his age. I'm so proud to say that Chris was my best friend, more like a brother than anything. I am so happy that I was able to spend the last three months helping him to get better, and even when he didn't, I'm glad I just got to be there for him, making him as comfortable as possible. Although my heart is aching terribly, I get comfort in knowing Chris is with his Heavenly Father and his dad, John. I especially get comfort in knowing Chris now has a glorified body. He can run, and jump, and dance, without pain or a limp. He can sing and praise without worrying about what the next scan is going to show, or how the next surgery is going to go. He was so brave, so gracious, and so faithful. I learned so much from my friend, lessons that I will always hold dear to my heart and never forgot.
I spent last night at the Champions, just like always. It was difficult to say the least. I longed to hear Chris breathe, I even longed to hear that stupid oxygen machine. I just wanted something to let me know that this was all just a dream, or a really cruel trick. But the silence of morning showed that Chris is indeed gone from this world. I'll admit I still am in shock, I'm not sure if it has really sunken in completely, and I fear for when it does. However, I will keep my eyes fixed on the Lord, just as Chris would want me to.
Goodbye Chris. I love you buddy and I can't wait to see you again. Please pray for us.
Yesterday evening, Chris Champion passed away. Friends and family had been gathering around him for days, preparing their hearts and saying their goodbyes, but I don't believe anyone can fully prepare themselves for the death of a loved one. Last night was filled with tears, praise, and worship. It was amazing to me that even through all the sadness, we could still give God thanks for so many things. That's really a te4stimony to Chris. Just like his father, he wanted to give all the Glory, through his life and even death, if God called him for it. In his 20 years here, he has affected so many people. His wisdom and faith far surpassed his age. I'm so proud to say that Chris was my best friend, more like a brother than anything. I am so happy that I was able to spend the last three months helping him to get better, and even when he didn't, I'm glad I just got to be there for him, making him as comfortable as possible. Although my heart is aching terribly, I get comfort in knowing Chris is with his Heavenly Father and his dad, John. I especially get comfort in knowing Chris now has a glorified body. He can run, and jump, and dance, without pain or a limp. He can sing and praise without worrying about what the next scan is going to show, or how the next surgery is going to go. He was so brave, so gracious, and so faithful. I learned so much from my friend, lessons that I will always hold dear to my heart and never forgot.
I spent last night at the Champions, just like always. It was difficult to say the least. I longed to hear Chris breathe, I even longed to hear that stupid oxygen machine. I just wanted something to let me know that this was all just a dream, or a really cruel trick. But the silence of morning showed that Chris is indeed gone from this world. I'll admit I still am in shock, I'm not sure if it has really sunken in completely, and I fear for when it does. However, I will keep my eyes fixed on the Lord, just as Chris would want me to.
Goodbye Chris. I love you buddy and I can't wait to see you again. Please pray for us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
