Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A Lot

Hmmm...So, where to start?
Things have been hard, to be honest. I'd love to write an awesome blog with great and fulfilling updates but that really isn't the case right now. But, God is still good and I'm confident that in the end, after all is said and done, that everything will be just as it should be. But for now, there's quite a rough patch to get through and I must admit this is probably one of the hardest times in my life. When everything settles, I'll go into more detail but for now, some things are better left unsaid.
Anyways, I'll hopefully be moving to San Antonio, Texas within the next 5 months or so, maybe sooner. I think its time for a change, time to get out of california. The parents are very unhappy right now and its really hard to live at home so, I will be getting an apartment here in the next few weeks. Its kind of a lot to process, new apartment away from home and then Texas. A lot of "maybe's" and a lot of "what if's?". So, I just keep praying that God will continue to keep his hand on all this and that He will guide and help me along the way.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


So, it's been two-weeks since the whole situation with Steve happened. I figured it would be a good time to write about what's going on. Or, well, write about some of it I suppose.
Steve and I have been talking (roll your eyes all you want). No, nothing is going on. Wedding plans aren't back on, and they never will be. We are only talking, as friends, and even that can be rocky. This past year has been difficult and honestly, i sort of have a pessimistic view about the upcoming months. Maybe I'm just being moody but I am certainly not happy with where I am right now. To be honest, it sucks. I know I don't really have the right to say that seeing as I have it pretty good compared to most people in the world but I can't help but feel like i'm on edge. It's rediculous actually. I feel kind of like a loonie. What I mean is, I feel like I'm at my wit's end. I'm short with people, I can't sleep more than a few hours a night, and I can't be decisive about anything. I'd like to move, but that's not realistic. I just don't like where things are heading. No offense to anyone (i don't know why anyone would take offense) but I don't like being back home. I'm angry that I will be here for at least one semester and I'm even angrier about going to BC. I really don't want to go. So far, my experience with BC has been pure and utter bullshit and I do not look forward to starting in the fall. I'd like to take a year off to figure stuff but that isn't an option either. I feel stuck. I feel angry actually, which is kind of odd because I'm not really an angry person at all. Ugh.

Friday, July 11, 2008

"It was then that I carried you"

Well, if you read the last blog, you'll know that I'm going through quite a bit of hurt right now. On the other hand, God is great and he uses everything for good. I definitely see a silver lining now and I think something great can come out of this entire mess.
I saw a counselor yesterday evening. He was pretty awesome and definitely made me feel very comfortable. He's Christian, which is a HUGE plus and we talked for a while about faith as well. He helped sort out the issues with Steve and it was just nice to get everything off my chest and lay it on the table so we could see what was really going on. The visit was so helpful and I am feeling much better than i was just a few short hours before attending the counseling.
With that said, I still have a hard road in front of me. I have broken a lot of trust and I will have to work hard to repair that. Also, I have a lot of healing left in front of me and this definitely won't be the easiest thing to do but, with some help, I know I will come out of this much better than when I went in.
So, in the past few days, hearts have been broken and scary situations have occured but I am at peace right now in knowing that my Maker is going to take this and turn it into something beautiful. He has already affirmed some things so I'm pretty much just resting in God's arms and I know that He will be walking beside me through all of this.

A coworker gave me a key chain a while back that I just now thought about and this is what it says:

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow You, we would walk side by side through life but when I needed You most, I saw only one set of footprints in the sand. The Lord replied, 'I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.'"

God has definitely carried me the last few days...

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Not Cool

So, the last two days have been, well, rediculous i guess you could say, and definitely not in a good way. I recieved a text message from Steve tuesday morning (3am to be exact) and it basically stated that he couldn't go through with the marriage and that he was leaving town. Well, I followed him all the way to Fresno then I turned back around becausse I had work at 7:30am. Well, my boss gave me the day off and around 1pm I found out that Steve was having lunch with his ex. Definitely not cool. So, i pretty much lost it. I drove up to Fresno, drove around Fresno for a while to see that he and his ex were at her apartment. Uh, yeah, I pretty much snapped. It was almost like an out of body experince and definitely not a good one. I ended up at Shaver Lake, cops were called, and, well, I finally got back to Bakersfield yesterday around 11am. It's been pretty rough. I love Steve, I trully do, and I have never ever loved anyone like I love him but I am taking the advice of my family and peers to heal myself and to stay away from Steve. It won't be easy at all because this man truly is my best friend. So, prayers for my healing would really be appreciated and pray for Steve as well please, this hasn't been easy for him either...