Saturday, February 13, 2010

Just some rambling

It seems like the more I dive into the study I am doing and dive in to the word of God the more I realize that Christianity really does take a lot of courage. Since becoming a difficult, life certainly has not become any easier. In fact, it may in fact actually be more difficult. What I'm saying is, now that I am following God I am so convicted of so many things. Years ago I would have never felt guilt for the things I have done or thought, and I wouldn't have dreamed of changing anything. Now not only do I feel guilty, I have to work extra hard to change patterns that have been dragging me down for half my lifetime. Yet, even on this more difficult path, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It may be hard now, but I know it will pay off. I could throw it all away and take the easy path but all that would do is lead me to destruction. Its just different. Its like I'm waking up from a coma. I can feel again and I'm admitting that at times I really wish I couldn't. My heart breaks so much more often these days. I can't not care anymore, although there are times I really wish I didn't. I don't know what lies ahead but I do know that I am truly changing from the inside out. Its remarkable yet scary. Beautiful yet difficult. I used to look at Christians like cowards; people who were afraid to live their life to the fullest. I realize now that I was completely wrong. I am now living my life to the fullest, taking the biggest risks, and facing my biggest fears. Its hard to describe really, coming from a life full to the brim of sin in to a life full of peace and love. It's definitely a new feeling and a new way of conducting my life.I hope someday, when I have broken my habits and started a new, healthier cycle, that I can share my struggles with kids, teens, young adults, etc., and show them through my mistakes how amazing our God really is. He really does forgive every sin, and He really does heal every wound. Its not easy, I don't think it ever will be, but it's all worth it.

Monday, February 1, 2010


I've been dealing with a lot lately but things are starting to look up. I'm not saying anything is getting easier, I'm saying God's amazing peace has been flowing through me. I've been working hard to put Him first and its amazing what He has been blessing me with. I feel completely renewed. My soul is happy again. I'm able to be more social, and my anxiety is under control for the first time in the past few years. What a wonderful God we have. Life is still throwing obstacles at me but I feel so empowered by the Lord.
Speaking of empowered, I finally finished my letter to Lisa Green, the woman who rejected my sexual assault case back in October. I'm ready to send the letter out, I'm ready to move on. In order for me to do that, I need to know that I did everything possible to hold this guy responsible for what he has done to me. I'm sure he has been able to move on with his life with no problems, but he really has impacted mine. I'm ready to tell Lisa Green how I feel. I she wronged me and every other woman that has been raped. What she does with the letter is her choice but knowing I sent it, and I'm going to be heard, is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
It's been a rough road that I was stubborn enough to try and walk alone but I think I have finally, truly, surrendered to God and I'm going to let him cleanse me from the inside out. I pray that I stick to my daily prayer routine, to the study Dawn and I are doing, and to continue to seek God in everything. With God I hold my head up high with confidence, knowing that He is on my side, He will protect me, and in Him I am free. :)