Monday, January 28, 2008

It's not always what it seems.

Last night Steve and i started to watch the movie Beta House, which is one from the American Pie series. Essentially, the movie is about college and about Greek life (sororities and fraternities). Well, we only made it through about half of this movie because, frankly, it disgusted me but it really made me think. Obviously, this movie was a horrible portrayal of college life. I think a lot of people come into college with the mindset of its just all about the party; drinking, smoking, sex, etc. In reality, if you're there for just that you're probably not going to make it past your first semester. Yeah, partying is usually a part of your college "experience" but that isn't the focus. College, as my AgEcon professor states, "...Should be about growth. If you aren't here to change and grow, you're just wasting your time and money." It relates to your life in general actually. Life is about change, about experiencing things and growing as a person. This means you're going to be tested, and tested often. I know I have already been tested quite a bit this semester. I must admit, I don't think I've really passed everything with flying colors. Just this weekend, one of Steve's roomies was being a royal jerk and said a whole load of stuff that was past inappropriate. He really crossed the line with me and i must say I haven't been that angry in a while. So, that night, i went to bed angry. I woke up angry, and have been pretty much holding a grudge since. I know that isn't what God wants me to do. Instead I should be praying for this man. I may not like him and I definitely don't agree with him but I know that I am suppose to love him regardless because we are all God's children. Also, I know this is a test for my relationship with Steve. Not everyone is going to accept us because I know some of his friends just plain don't like me. That's fine, but we can't let that affect our relationship. Steve and I are stronger than we've ever been and I plan to keep it that way, regardless of outside influences. I know God has a lot in store for us so instead of letting trash talkers get to me, to us, we need to pray and continually forgive. Life, relationships, experiences, aren't always what you think they're going to be. God has a plan and usually it's something very different from what you had in mind. When God moves, you move. I surrender everything to Him knowing that in the end, God is in control and will continue to bless me and my relationship.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

New Semester, New Struggles...

Well, the title is pretty self explanatory. It's a brand new semester accompanied by some brand new struggles. First off, putting my faith first isn't going to be the easiest thing for me. Believe it or not, i can actually be a fairly shy person and i really don't like to offend anyone. Standing up for my faith means that, most likely, I'm going to offend someone somewhere down the line. That is why I am becoming a part of InterVarsity. I think this campus ministry will really help me grow in my faith and be able to stand up for God in every circumstance. Our topic this semester will be "Get Real, Not Religious". Great topic for what's going on in my life right now! Basically, get real not religious means being real with yourself and your faith. Sometimes we get stuck into religious stereotypes and we feel that we must change to fit that perfect Christianity mold. That's not really true. God created us, flaws and all, for a reason. We have unique personalities and experiences that should help us further spread the word of our Heavenly Father. Getting real means getting out there, standing up for your faith whether it be in a casual conversation with a friend or a discussion in class with a professor. Don't shut up just because you're afraid that people will think you're a freak for having faith in God. This will really test me this semester. I have a strong faith in God, i trust Him and i put my life in Him but i am ashamed to say that i don't always stand up for him. I don't openly pray for m y food in the cafeteria because i am afraid of the way people may perceive me. I don't openly pray at night because i am afraid that my roommate or someone else may become offended. I don't stand up for God in social situations, and that really bugs me. For instance, i was watching TV with Audra before winter break and a commercial came on about the true meaning of the season. Basically the commercial was about Jesus' birth and how he is our savior. After the commercial Audra was kind of disgusted and said something along the lines of, "I hate that commercial. You're not religious or anything are you?" Instead of saying, "That commercial shows us how we should celebrate the holidays and i am a firm believer in Christ" i simply said, "No". So that is just one of my struggles this semester: Not being afraid to speak up for my God and show that He is among us and He is an Almighty God and i have complete faith in him.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Getting Back Into The Swing Of Things...

So, it is now the second week of school and everyone is settling into their usual routines. This semester will be really challenging for me. I have six classes, five of which require mandatory attendance. Not extremely happy about that but at the same time it will keep me motivated to go to class. Because of this, i am hoping to pull off a 3.5 this semester. Sounds doable, i just need to keep on motivating myself. Along with school, I am dedicating more time to Justa. At the very least, i will be with her Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. I kind of neglected her a bit last semester so i want to make sure that she stays fit and healthy this semester. Also, I am going to start going to InterVarsity's "Encounter" (a large group bible study held every tuesday @ 7). I really need to keep my faith strong, i don't want to become wishy washy again, so doing a weekly (at least weekly, maybe I'll do a small group as well) bible study should help me to grow in my faith and keep my faith strong. Okay, the scheduling doesn't stop there, i also want to keep fit so i am dedicating more time to rock climbing. I am hoping to do this three to four times a week. So, my days are gonna be pretty full. Not to mention all the studying in between, can ya tell I'm oh so excited about that? So, i definitely will not be working this semester, i don't think i can fit that in, lol. I like this schedule this semester though. It'll keep me busy, more productive, and overall it should keep me on track and make me more responsible. I'm actually pretty excited for this semester. I know God has a lot in store for me and I can't wait to see how He molds me. So, that's my update for now. Just getting into the swing of things.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Blessings from God

Wow, there is so much to write about!!!!
So, first off, I went to SLO (San Luis Obispo) for the weekend. We spent 2 nights there and it was just amazing! A great time full of old friends, waves, sand, bonfires, and great new friends! It was truly a great trip, I don't think we could have had a better time. God truly blessed us.
So, from there, school started on yesterday. i got back Monday and i was so excited to see everyone! I successfully moved back into the dorms and I am enjoying spending time with all the people that I missed so much. School has been good so far. Almost all of my classes have mandatory attendance so i will definitely be going to class this semester! That's a good thing though because it will keep me focused and hopefully i can pull off a 3.5 this semester!
Another great update is how God continues to bless me and fill me with his spirit. He has been so good to me. I'm not saying that everything is perfect, because it never can be, but God has filled me with so much peace and love it's just so amazing! He truly is an Almighty God!
One great blessing that God has given me is Steve. I missed him incredibly over break and I am so excited to be back and spending time with him. We have both grown and I beleive it has made us that much stronger. Right now, we are taking things slow and are just friends and I am absolutely loving that. I really beleive God placed Steve in my life and not temporarily. I'm so excited that this time around God can be the center of Steve and I's relationship.It just makes me so excited and so happy! Nothing is more important to me than God,and I am so happy that I can grow sprititually with someone and put God first. This is a new feeling and it is amazing!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Wait On Me

I'm feeling a little unsettled today. First off, I'm fasting (no food=grumpy, lol) but it's for a great reason. Tonight we are having prayer at my house and breaking the fast for Chris but i'm a little upset with my parents. They are christians but sometimes i just wish we could pray togeher and worship the Lord as a family. Praying with the Champions is something very important to me, seeing as i have grown close with this family and have gotten to know them over the past few years. At first, my step-mom was all about helping out with tonight and picking up some stuff but this morning all she could really say was "we'll see, i'm busy". Busy with what? All she usually does is sit and do crosswords all day. Also, they decided that they are going to Tom and Karen's tonight instead of praying with us, that was a little upsetting as well. I think, i just feel disappointed in them for once and I just can't explian well enough as to why.
I'm also, for lack of a better word, nervous you could say. Sunday I am going back to Fresno and i will be packing up all of my stuff from Steve's place and moving back into the dorms. I'm really not looking forward to this. Breakups in general are never "fun" but moving out of someone's place just makes it that much worse. I've never been in this situation before so it just plain sucks. I'm trying to organize a list in my head of everything i need to get, all in one trip. It's gonna take freakin' forever (not really but it will seem like it). It's also a little embarrassing because i'm sure, seeing as its a Sunday, Ryan and Audra and possibly Mantor will be there and i have no clue how they feel about me now that all of this is over. Oh, and i'm not looking forward to talking to Steve. At this point I'm almost 100% posistive that this is a definite, permanent thing (us not being together) so, I really don't know what there is to say at this point. I obviously don't want him out of my life, and i would love to be friends at least. I guess I'm just fearing one of those conversations thast just basically says "I don't want to be with you, so lets be friends (insert awkward silence here)". I just don't like those you know? And at this particular time I'm just emotionally tired and I fear that I'll start crying Sunday just because of everything that's going on, and I hate crying in front of anyone (and that just makes it even worse). So, I've been praying my heart out and God is good. I know he will continue to fill me with peace but the focus of my prayers is not on me but the Champions. I know what i am going through cannot even begin to compare with what the Champions are going through right now. So, my heart is exhausted with prayer but i will continue because i know God is good, and he is mighty. He hears our prayers and he is responding. "Wait on me..." is what I"ve been hearing and I will wait on God with unwaivering faith.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Take a Step Back

Hmmm, well, nothing really to say about work today but I do have quite a load on my mind. We’ll start with some saddening news first: today was Chris’ appointment down in UCLA. He had a kind of bump (I believe they said it was swollen lymph node?) show up a few weeks ago. I really didn’t get too much information on his Dr.’s appointment today but Chris sent me a text message stating that the news wasn’t good. It was upsetting because he fought so hard his entire senior year and we thought the cancer was gone but now there is a chance its back. He and his family are definitely in my prayers as well as so many other people’s prayers. So, I would ask you to do the same. Please keep Chris and his family in your thoughts and prayers.
What is going on with Chris really made me think about God and how wonderful his healing powers can be even though sometimes you can feel like he doesn’t listen to your prayers at all. I was talking to a coworker about praying today and he brought up something interesting: he said that he writes down every prayer and keeps track of every prayer answered. He said it really helps his faith. Now, I’m personally not going to tally up every prayer that has been answered but it made me really think about all the prayers God has answered for me this week. First off, I stopped taking my sleeping pills because I realized that I shouldn’t be dependent on anything or anyone but God and so I have been praying for sleep. God has definitely answered that prayer and even though I sleep better with my sleeping pills, I am amazed that God has blessed me a full night’s rest for the past couple days. I will still wake up in the middle of sleep but when I do I’m not awake as long and it isn’t as frequent. Another prayer that has been answered is the amazing peace that God has given me. The past semester was just full of troubles and pain but God has really healed me and given me great peace within myself. I am so grateful and thankful to have such an Amazing God.
With all God has done for me, I have been highly reflective this evening. I was thinking more about the situation with me and Steve and about the living situation we used to have. I wasn’t happy living with Steve and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why but I just realized it. I’ve always been an independent person but I felt like I was losing that when living with Steve. I mean, He, Mantor, and Ryan paid rent at that apartment and I did not. That’s really not okay with me whatsoever. Why should I be able to stay somewhere rent free while they all worked hard to pay for rent and utilities? Being in that situation just made me feel bad about it all and I really wasn’t comfortable living there. It was kind of like walking on eggshells and actually, at times, it reminded me of my mother’s house. Next time I live in an apartment, I want to be a rent payer just like everyone else. Also, my life was too much about Steve, and that was my fault. By moving out of the dorms so soon I removed myself from people who I bonded so closely with in such a short amount of time. My focus wasn’t on school, God, or my friends, but on Steve and that’s a problem. God should always be first, and my education comes in second. My friends also take priority because, no offense to anyone, friends are forever and most relationships aren’t. Plus, you can’t have a strong, happy relationship when you aren’t completely happy yourself. It’s amazing what you see when you take a step back and how clear everything becomes. Another thing making me tense was all my headaches. It’s annoying and frustrating when day in and day out your head is in pain. Unfortunately, this issue still has yet to be fixed but I’m dealing with it better. I still have headaches everyday but I’m not over medicating (like a whole vicodin for a headache that isn’t a migraine) and I’m not being stubborn about taking something such as ibuprofen for them. Timing is everything and catching my headaches early is the key.
Well, I think that’s about it for today. And that was a lot. Peace, love, and God.

Sunday, January 6, 2008


Okay, so today was nothing short of freakin’ amazing! Emily, Mj, Chris, Mihaela, Cathy, and I met up at church this morning to head for Cal Poly to help move Chris back in to the dorms. We got there at about noon and it was gorgeous! I absolutely love the campus, I’m so jealous! After hanging out at Chris’ dorm for a bit and meeting two people (Donavan and Mike), we headed out to find food. Nothing was open on campus so we ended up driving to Splash CafĂ© which, if you’ve never been there, has pretty awesome food. After that, Mike invited us to his beach house a few towns over (about a 20 min. drive). So, us highly intelligent college students (Chris, Mike, and I) and one brave senior (Emily) put on (with high difficulty) wet suits and headed down to the ocean with the rest of the gang for some boogie boarding. The water was freezing and I could no longer feel my hands and feet but I haven’t had that much fun in a long time! It was just so spontaneous and random, it was great! It was a great form of exercise too seeing as there was such a strong undertow. Mike didn’t really help with that when he told us that a surfer was dragged way out to sea just the other day by the undertow and they have yet to find him. Gee, thanks Mike. Anyways, after that, we just chilled at Mike’s beach house and watched a few movies. His parents came to the house around five and they are amazing! His mom brought all sorts of food and his dad made us some espresso (was very handy for the drive home). It was really awesome time because, in just a few short hours of knowing some of these people, it really felt like we were surrounded by family. I felt like I knew Mike and Donovan much longer than a few hours and vice versa. Who knew SLO could feel almost like home?
So, because this trip was such an enormous success, we’re hopefully going to go back next Saturday before I have to go back to Fresno. I’m excited already. I love the weather there, and I have always loved the beach. Who knows, if Cal Poly accepts, maybe I’ll transfer. I would absolutely love that!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


I’ve decided that my New Year Resolution is to keep a personal Journal, mostly typed but some of it may be handwritten from time to time. I’ve decided this because I have realized that writing my thoughts just calms me and I truly love to write. It’s like having a one-sided conversation on paper, if you will. Some of the stuff I write will be posted on my blog site while some of it may be kept personal for just me or whomever I choose to read it. In the Journal I will try to document the whole day (an abbreviated version of course) even if that means all I can seem to get out of my mind is a few sentences. Something is always better than nothing. So, what a better way to start of my New Year’s Resolution by starting this journal right now?

So, i actually started this Journal on the 1st, and i'll skip that entry, but here is my journal entry for today:

Busy, busy, busy! Today was a ridiculously busy day! I guess everyone’s New Year’s Resolution was to get a job and they all came into Work Force to do it. We must have had at least 60 applicants, seriously. Now that’s a lot! As usual, I didn’t get a lunch break until fairly late because I really didn’t want to fall behind. Eventually, I forced myself to take one a little after two because I felt myself getting a little snappy and stressed. I really tried to take an hour lunch for once, but I fell about 20 minutes short. Oh well, what can I say? I’m a workaholic when I have a full time job. I just wish I could apply my determination at work to my studies. Now that would be something amazing.
Speaking of studies, I checked my grades today. Out of five classes, three of my grades were up: B (ASci), B (Math45), C (NS4). Not bad so far, just waiting on two more now. I want as close to a 3.0 as possible, so hopefully my other two grades will be B’s. I’ll just have to wait. Man, isn’t that just life’s story: Waiting…
So, speaking of waiting, which requires patience, I realized that I get so wound up sometimes that it takes me FOREVER to relax. I’ve just never been a very patient person and I seem to want everything NOW. Yeah, I know, sounds completely bratty. God is teaching me a lesson of patience as well. I know I can’t have things instantaneously, I know he will not give them to me immediately, because that is exactly what I want. God wants me to wait for things, to actually take my time, relax. Yeah, “relax” really isn’t in my vocabulary actually. I’m horrible at it, so is my mother (yikes, something we have in common!). I realized today that relaxing is part of my problem as well. I need to be able to wind down from a stressful situation and become centered again. I tend to get to caught up in everything and get twisted so tightly that it seems impossible to just let go of whatever is stressing me. Now that I’ve fully come to realize this, I am able to work on it. Eventually, relaxing should become easier and easier, but for now it takes a little more time. But, God is amazing and he continues to fill me with peace and no matter how wound up I get I can always turn to Him. I guess what I’m saying is I am realizing my flaws one by one, and I’m working on them. I can’t guarantee perfection, but I can guarantee a workaholic’s effort (which is a lot, lol). So, patience and relaxation will come, and I feel that this is another start to something great. Man, what a few days with God this has been!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008


Today, me and some friends decided to go to the snow. We kinda come up with this plan spontaneously a couple days ago and we actually followed through with it. Man, i had a blast! For such an impromptu trip we had things fairly organized (not that there was much to be organized) So, we took two cars: my truck and Dawn's Saturn Vue. We headed up to Shirley Meadows, which was about and hour and a half trip. It was definitely worth it to be able to be in the snow finally! We parked on the side of the road and just kind of explored the landscape. We found some awesome places to sled, everything was awesome. I really missed the snow and I forgot how gorgeous it was. it really reminded me of God's beauty in this world and I am so blessed to be a part of His creation. God blessed our crew with a safe trip up and down the mountain and it was just nice to spend time with friends that will soon be going back to college after this winter break. So, that's really all i wanted to say. Just another beautiful day, enjoying God's creations and the people in my life.


Oh my gosh, I feel like I have so much to talk about but I just don’t know how to organize it! I guess I will go by the day’s events and what was going on in my mind in chronological order. Sorry if you get confused…

So, today was a usual work day. Get up, get dressed, go to work, etc. Unfortunately, my mind was so busy and distracted that it seemed like I got barely any work done at all. It’s a miracle that I’m not actually behind! My mind was working overtime. In fact, if you peered into my skull you would have probably seen a bunch of little people just running around frantically in what seems like pure chaos. I was just so excited, I guess you could say but at the same time I was feeling a little blue. I miss Steve (yes, I miss him already after like 2 days), I really do and I feel horrible for the way I had been treating him the past couple weeks. It just feels weird not texting him in the morning, telling him I love him, and pretty much not really talking to him whatsoever. My heart aches but I still stand that this decision for space was a good one. I really do hope that things can be sorted out though. I love him and I would love nothing more than to resume a relationship with him when the time is right but I don’t know how he feels about everything so I will just have to wait on him and see.

On the other hand (and what was mostly on my mind) I was so excited about my spiritual re-awakening I guess you could say. God has really “opened the eyes to my heart” and it is amazing how I am starting to view things! Don’t get me wrong, I’m human and still a sinner but I really feel God molding me know. I really feel that God is getting me ready for something. I don’t really know what and I don’t know when it will happen but I am just so excited over it. It’s like, God has given me this great, amazing gift, but I can’t open it just yet. He gives me hints here and there but I’m not able to guess it. All I know is that God has been so faithful and so loyal to me even though I have turned away from him a few times this year. I am finally ready to take that leap of faith with God, to follow and to serve Him. Yeah, I think the road will get tough, but that is God testing me. In the past, I have failed, and I have failed miserably but there is something going on now, inside of me that I just can’t deny. It’s like I want to shout to the world that Jesus is our Savior that God is the King of all Kings, and through him you will have a spiritually fulfilled life. I think God is really calling me to be baptized, I honestly think that it is about time and I am ready to take that step. I figured this out while at work. I went to the relevance magazine website (a Christian magazine) and found some articles that really forced me to think about God. These articles forced me to analyze my life, and to analyze my relationship with God and I realize that I have never been so spiritually fulfilled in my entire life. Yesterday (well, actually, 2 days ago I guess), December 30, I finally said, “Okay God, I trust You. I give everything to You. My life is Yours and I shall serve you and be faithful to You. My actions will be for the glory of God, not for the glory of me. I surrender God, I truly surrender”. Man, do you know how amazing that feels?! The past couple days I have grown more than in the past few months. God has healed my spiritual wounds and I dedicate my life to serving Him.

Later on in the day, my mind goes into reflection mode. After all, it is now 2008 and most of us tend to take a look back at the previous year. In a nutshell, 2007 was a crazy, amazing, wacky, spontaneous, heartbreaking, and almost any adjective you could think of, year. I graduated, left Bakersfield for Fresno, and finished my first semester of college. I made new friendships, lost old ones, and fell in love. I lost one of the dearest people to me, but gained and amazing relationship with God. I had been severely tested in 2007. From battling three addictions, to learning how to just let go. I’ve made mistakes but learned from them. Overall, I’m proud of myself. 2007 was a tough year, probably one of my toughest, and I made it out just fine. So here’s to 2008, may it be filled with life, love, happiness, and God!