Oh my gosh, I feel like I have so much to talk about but I just don’t know how to organize it! I guess I will go by the day’s events and what was going on in my mind in chronological order. Sorry if you get confused…
So, today was a usual work day. Get up, get dressed, go to work, etc. Unfortunately, my mind was so busy and distracted that it seemed like I got barely any work done at all. It’s a miracle that I’m not actually behind! My mind was working overtime. In fact, if you peered into my skull you would have probably seen a bunch of little people just running around frantically in what seems like pure chaos. I was just so excited, I guess you could say but at the same time I was feeling a little blue. I miss Steve (yes, I miss him already after like 2 days), I really do and I feel horrible for the way I had been treating him the past couple weeks. It just feels weird not texting him in the morning, telling him I love him, and pretty much not really talking to him whatsoever. My heart aches but I still stand that this decision for space was a good one. I really do hope that things can be sorted out though. I love him and I would love nothing more than to resume a relationship with him when the time is right but I don’t know how he feels about everything so I will just have to wait on him and see.
On the other hand (and what was mostly on my mind) I was so excited about my spiritual re-awakening I guess you could say. God has really “opened the eyes to my heart” and it is amazing how I am starting to view things! Don’t get me wrong, I’m human and still a sinner but I really feel God molding me know. I really feel that God is getting me ready for something. I don’t really know what and I don’t know when it will happen but I am just so excited over it. It’s like, God has given me this great, amazing gift, but I can’t open it just yet. He gives me hints here and there but I’m not able to guess it. All I know is that God has been so faithful and so loyal to me even though I have turned away from him a few times this year. I am finally ready to take that leap of faith with God, to follow and to serve Him. Yeah, I think the road will get tough, but that is God testing me. In the past, I have failed, and I have failed miserably but there is something going on now, inside of me that I just can’t deny. It’s like I want to shout to the world that Jesus is our Savior that God is the King of all Kings, and through him you will have a spiritually fulfilled life. I think God is really calling me to be baptized, I honestly think that it is about time and I am ready to take that step. I figured this out while at work. I went to the relevance magazine website (a Christian magazine) and found some articles that really forced me to think about God. These articles forced me to analyze my life, and to analyze my relationship with God and I realize that I have never been so spiritually fulfilled in my entire life. Yesterday (well, actually, 2 days ago I guess), December 30, I finally said, “Okay God, I trust You. I give everything to You. My life is Yours and I shall serve you and be faithful to You. My actions will be for the glory of God, not for the glory of me. I surrender God, I truly surrender”. Man, do you know how amazing that feels?! The past couple days I have grown more than in the past few months. God has healed my spiritual wounds and I dedicate my life to serving Him.
Later on in the day, my mind goes into reflection mode. After all, it is now 2008 and most of us tend to take a look back at the previous year. In a nutshell, 2007 was a crazy, amazing, wacky, spontaneous, heartbreaking, and almost any adjective you could think of, year. I graduated, left Bakersfield for Fresno, and finished my first semester of college. I made new friendships, lost old ones, and fell in love. I lost one of the dearest people to me, but gained and amazing relationship with God. I had been severely tested in 2007. From battling three addictions, to learning how to just let go. I’ve made mistakes but learned from them. Overall, I’m proud of myself. 2007 was a tough year, probably one of my toughest, and I made it out just fine. So here’s to 2008, may it be filled with life, love, happiness, and God!