Monday, December 31, 2007

Ow and Wow

So, I actually have two pretty important updates. One is pretty amazing and the other is, well, heart-breaking to me I guess you can say. Yet, these polar opposite updates actually sort of link together in the end, you’ll see…
I won’t beat around the bush here, I’ll just get straight to the point: Steve and I have decided that it is best if we are apart…aka…we have broken up. Believe it or not, it was actually a mutual decision. He broke the news first (sent me a message while I was driving back to bako) but I actually agreed with him. Don’t get me wrong, I love the man more than anything but I really think we just went way too fast. I mean, he was practically living in the dorms with me before we were officially dating. Also, I’ve been having an extremely tough time lately and unfortunately I have had a tendency to take that out on Steve, which isn’t fair to him whatsoever. So, staying on the positive side of things, this will be a good move. I will be going back to the dorms and putting my studies and God as my main focus. If me and Steve are able to give it another chance, Awesome. If not, well, it’s something that I will just have to deal with. For now, space is good for me. I need to handle some things on my own and fix myself before I am able to dedicate my attention to a significant other. I’m not “joyous” about the decision, and I do feel heart-broken, but I know that it’s the right thing to do for now. Things always work themselves out in the end, I’m just wondering what that end will be.
Now, on to the better update. I went to Westbrook (spelling?) tonight to attend worship. Apparently, every Sunday evening at Westbrook, there is live Christian music followed by a sermon. It’s kind of a youth thing but I guess everyone is invited. Anyways, I realized the void that I have been feeling for a few weeks now. God really put his hand on me and spoke to me during worship. It’s kind of hard to explain in writing but I’ll try my best. It’s like God was telling me to just let go. Let go of all the grudges I hold, let go of all my bitterness and pain and just trust Him. All this time, I had been carrying an insecurity, a bitterness towards Steve and Cat’s relationship and I hadn’t been able to let that go until God showed me (I wish he would have shown me a little sooner and some things may have ended up differently but everything is in God’s time). Along with the grudge I had been holding against Steve, I had been harboring a pain in my heart from the loss of my grandmother and a growing attraction to the physically painful addiction that I have gone so long without. God spoke to me and I listened. He said I am human, and I have sins, but that is why he sent his son down to Earth; so that my sins may be forgiven and forgotten. God said that I must do that as well; forgive and forget. I completely forgive Steve now, whereas I just said it was okay but kept it inside. As for my grandmother, God took that pain from my heart and replaced it with peace and love. He showed me that her death was not an end, but a beginning for me and a motivation to keep her proud of me. God also put his hand upon my addiction, letting me know that instead harboring my emotional pain and turning it into physical pain, I shall give him my emotional pain and he can turn it into something beautiful: a learning experience. I have never felt such a presence from God.
So, here’s where everything ties in: A big part (if maybe not all) of me and Steve’s problem was my stubbornness and my unwillingness to let past events go. I held a grudge, bitterness, and jealousy. An addiction, and a pain in my heart that I thought I could handle all the on my own but the truth is I simply can’t. All these voids, sins, have been filled by God’s amazing grace and I truly feel blessed (and also stupid that I hadn’t listened close enough before) that God has forgiven me and that he has also given me the power to forgive and forget. I am finally at peace (not saying that I’m not feeling hurt by the break up) and I feel that I can face my personal life and take responsibility. Quite frankly, I needed to grow up and let the little things go. God showed me how this evening and what an amazing feeling this is; to be able to forgive every grudge I still hold. From the issues I had with Steve and Cat talking to even the years of built up issues from my mom. I HUGE weight has been lifted off my chest and I feel like the old me again. I’m ready to be spontaneous and fun loving. I’m ready to take my freedom responsibly and let others enjoy theirs. My God is an AMAZING God and he taught me such valuable, life-long lesson, that I will never forget. I’m not saying that I will instantly be able to forgive, or easily resist addiction but I know that with God on my side I have already won the battle. I just need to keep believing in myself and enjoy this beautiful life that I am most certainly blessed with. I honestly feel like a new person. Like the old Brooke, but better. I feel just a little wiser and a little more mature and I feel that the void that I have been feeling has just been filled with God’s grace and my forgiveness.
So, yeah, that’s my update. From heartbreak to God, from feeling lost to feeling renewed by the Holy Spirit. Every day is a blessing, and so is every experience. In just 2 hours, I feel like I have finally conquered something that I have battling for years. I feel that I am finally at peace and I that I finally (after years of struggling) love myself and love who I have become. So, here is to my beginning, my new outlook, and my new ability to love others without holding a past grudge. Thank you Heavenly Father!

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