Saturday, December 8, 2007

Rocky Seas

So, lately things just haven't been, well, they just haven't been fun. It's been kind of a tough week for me, luckily i was able to come home to bako yesterday...
So, first off, with the holiday season coming up, i miss my grandmother more and more, both of them actually. No, i could care less about the checks or gifts i would normally receive, i care about the fact that this will be the first winter break without grandma Dorothy, and the first break without hearing from meemaw. It just sucks. I wouldn't think i would miss grandma Dorothy this much after over three months, but i do. In fact, I'm missing her more and more. For instance, I went with Steve the other day up to the casino. We passed by an intersection where me and my brother used to meet up with grandma just about every weekend. My eyes started to water and i felt like my heart was broken (how many times can a heart break before it stops working?). I had to turn my head for a second so Steve wouldn't notice. So, it's been hard, really hard, and there really hasn't been anyone there to help me through it. I think that's why i come home so much...
Secondly, Steve and I kind of had some problems. Earlier in the week, i found out that when me and Steve first began talking, but not technically dating i guess you could say, he was still with Cat. That really upset me seeing as i asked him over and over again if he had a girlfriend and he always confidently replied, "No." By lying, he basically showed that he had little or no respect for me and he lost my trust. With that being said, another issue comes up: Apparently him and Cat are talking like old buddies again. Normally, that wouldn't upset me, but given that they were together for five years and i have only been with him a short couple months, it really bothers me. I guess, when it all comes down to it, I'm just afraid of getting hurt again. I've been in this situation, I'm not an idiot, i just tend to keep my mouth shut. Steve and i talked about it and i guess we resolved it, but I'm still a little upset. I guess it's that I'm not quite ready for him to be conversing with her. It's just so easy to go back to an ex like Cat because they were together for so long and people like to go back to what they're used to. So, we talked about the issue, but i still have all my fears and my intuition is saying I'm going to get hurt, as usual. Steve really hasn't reassured me otherwise.
So, that's my week in a nutshell. I just pray for peace, over and over, because feeling this anxious and this tense makes me want to reverse back to old habits. This, to me, is really a trying time, like a test, to see if I've really cleaned up, if I'm really "okay". Sometimes i think God gives me too much to handle, but i know that he never will. I just really need my grandmother right now, but, by saying that, i realize that i always seem to need her. She was my guide, my angel, and now i feel lost. I'm glad that she is in heaven, with God, but sometimes i selfishly wish she was here, with me. So, if any of you are praying for me, pray for peace, wisdom, and understanding to help me through this time...

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