Saturday, September 29, 2007


Wow....This past month has been nothing short of amazing! I am absolutely loving college life so far. Classes haven't been too bad, i've missed a few but nothing so far that has really damaged my grade. I have also met some amazing people that have just made my life so much better. I really don't think i have been this happy with life for a while. I love the new freedom i have in college. Even though that also means i have learned a few lessons on my own about self discipline.
It's kind of crazy thinking that it has only been about a month since i moved out of bako and to Fresno. It feels like soooo(etc.) much longer! The same thing goes with the people i've met, it feels like i have known them for so much longer than i actually have.
Oh yeah, i've also met someone a little different from all the others...and, go figure, he's from Bakersfield!!! (happy Steve, you're in my But, yeah, i met him at a Kappa Sigma (fraternity) rush event. And, well, pretty much been spending a lot of time together since then and i love it.
So, God has definitely been good to me this month, even with the loss of my grandmother i have drawn a lot of strength from Him and i have felt a lot of comfort in knowing she is with Him.
Well, i think that's a good enough update for now....I start my diet today! yuck, lol.....Wish me luck.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I Am Free

I Am Free (In Remembrance of Dorothy Mae Whitehead)

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.
I am following thr path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all. I could not stay
Another day, to laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that peace at the close of the day.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don't lengthen it now, with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, he set me free.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Part Of Me

Yesterday was my Grandmother's funeral service. It was like a giant reality check for me, it was probably one of the most dreaded moments in my life.
The ceremony was beautiful but extrememly saddening at the same time. Many great memories of my grandma were shared by family and friends. I was so happy to see the all the lives she had touched in her time on this earth. The funeral service was packed and that put a grin on my face.
Some family friends prepared a wonderful lunch for us all. We are a very blessed family and it was nice to see so much support from so many people.
I know she is in a better place but i can't help but being a little selfish and wishing she was here longer. I truly miss her. I don't think i've ever felt so much hurt in my life. I'm kind of scared to face the rest of my life without my grandma here, she was everything to me. My role model, my counselor, everything. The service was really hard on me. Tears pretty much started rolling down my cheeks once i got to the church. When we finally sat down in the chapel it all hit. The casket was open and i could see her laying there. She looked so beautiful but i had to look away the first few times. I just can't beleive she's gone, and i really didn't truly believe it until yesterday.
She was buried into a family plot in Madera and i plan on visiting as often as possible. This past week has been hard and i know the rest of this month will just get harder. But, our God is an amazing God and i know i can turn to him for comfort. I am deeply saddened but it puts a smile on my face to know that she is with our heavenly father, preparing the tables for us; for her family. I know one day i will see her again, but until then she will be dearly missed. For now, i hope to make her proud, i hope there's at least a small fraction of Grandma in me.
I love her and miss her more than anyone could imagine. My last words to her just ring in my head over and over. I never thought when i said "I love you Grandma, goodbye, I'll be back to morrow" those would be my last words to her. I didn't want to leave her that night, and maybe i shouldn't have, but she always made it a point for me to go to school and get my education. I didn't want to leave her yesterday. It was literally like a part of me was being torn out when i walked away from her casket at the grave site. It's reality, she's gone, and in a better place, but I still wish for just a little more time with her.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

87 inspiring years....

My grandmother had recently been admitted to the hospital because of heart problems. She had been there four days until her body finally gave out today at 10:15 am. I don't even know what to say to this news seeing as i'm sort of in denial myself. I mean, i know she's gone...I was there to see her body laying on the bed (I missed her death by ten minutes). I was there with her, all weekend, watching her stuggle in and out of consciousness. I was there to give her one last kiss as the nurse prepared to move her body into the morgue downstairs. I know she's gone, but it's just so hard to beleive. It's so hard to beleive that my role model, my grandmother, mother, support system, fan, all in one, is actually gone. I just wanted to pick up the phone this afternoon and dial her number, praying this was all just some messed up dream but i know it's not. Today is the day i have been dreading for years, and now that it's here, i feel so lost.
I do feel some comfort though in knowing that she's home. I know she is now home with the Lord and that she is looking down at all of us. She was an AMAZING woman with some amazing spiritual gifts. I want to be just like her, i want my faith in the Lord to be just like hers.
It was nice seeing how many people's lives my grandmother affected. Many visitors came in this weekend from the old church and around time. Family flew in and drove in from all over to be at her side as she struggled this weekend and i am happy to say that just about all her family and friends got to see her just one last time.
I was so scared to leave her side all weekend. I truly didn't want to lose my grandma, my foundation, my best friend, but i know that her time was up and i knew that the Lord was calling for her...I just wish i could have a little more time, but don't we all?
I don't want to be sad because i know she wouldn't want me to shed too many tears but i just can't help it. It was so heartbreaking to watch Grandpa at her bedside, crying silent tears and just staring at her as she laid there. It broke my heart when he said, "I lost the love of my life".
At 87, my grandma was more than just Dorothy Mae Whitehead. She was a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, a beleiver and probably the most stable person in my life. She was my mother as well as my grandmother and she was my rock. Grandma always new how to cheer me up, even when i would never admit anything was wrong. She was always there for me, sacrificing herself and her needs jsut put a smile on my face. Without her, i wouldn't be the person i am today...So, i am sad, but i know her 87 years were filled with joy and great memories. I only pray that i could be half of what she was because she was nothing short of amazing. So here's to grandma: I promise to make you proud.