Thursday, December 31, 2009

Tomorrow will be the start of a new year and I'm quite uncertain about how I feel about it. This year has been extremely difficult. I would like to say I won't miss 2009 whatsoever but there are parts of this year that I will truly cherish for the rest of my life. However, there are also parts of this year that I wish I could easily place out of my mind. I don't think I have ever been this emotionally vulnerable in my life and I never want to experience that again. I hope 2010 will be a year of peace and joy yet I really don't see that happening. There is still so much I am dealing with, and so much I have to do. On the positive side, I will be starting school again to become a licensed vocational nurse. I am very excited for this oppertunity but this will be a huge challenge financially and emotionally. I am really afraid of the oncology units I have to complete, but I at the same time I know I can handle it, and hopefully I can use what has happened this year to inspire someone else.
So, goodbye 2009, and hello 2010. I can't quite say I welcome you with open arms but I hope you will be good to is all.
Also, thank you God for the blessings you have bestowed on me this past year. I know you will continue to bless me and be there for me. I hope only to serve you better in 2010.

Friday, December 25, 2009

What's Christmas like in Heaven?

The Holiday Season seems to be a very bittersweet time for me. Since I lost my grandmothers a few years ago, it has never been the same. It feels almost empty. Now, with two more recent losses, the Holidays really do seem quite empty. I found myself crying out of nowhere several times in this past week. I would be driving somewhere and suddenly tears would be flowing down my face. Not cool. Today, as I was missing my grandma dearly, I started thinking. What is Christmas like in Heaven? I mean, Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ, so I imagine they celebrate it. I like thinking it is the greatest Christmas imaginable, but not in terms of all the materialistic things we value on this Earth. I like to think its full of love, family, and watching us down here on this Earth like a Christmas movie. I like to think that Heaven's streets are decorated like no one could ever imagine, and everyone is wishing Jesus a happy Birthday. It seems like a lot of people down here seem to forget that Christmas really is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, our savior. The most important birthday of them all. I want to celebrate just that one year. No presents, just family and fellowship. That's what I think Christmas in Heaven is like. No wish lists, holiday obligations, and horrible traffic. Just enjoying time with our families and our savior. So to Grandma, Meemaw, Chris, and John, I hope you can send some of Heaven's Christmas celebration down to Earth and I can't wait to spend Christmas with you all once again.
Merry Christmas everyone :). I hope this Christmas you focus on what really matters, and may it be a wonderful day to celebrate the most important birthday of them all.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Let The Waters Rise

Mikeschair "Let The Waters Rise"
Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but i can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand


God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You

God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You


That song pretty much sums up what I'm feeling right now. I'm fearful, my world has turned upside down, and when I pray nowadays I am constantly brought to tears. Yet I still trust God completely. I will follow Him because He is so much bigger than any of my fears, anxieties, and worries. God is still so good through all the turmoil of this life. Things may not be getting any easier but without God, there is no way I would have made it through this year. It's through the tough times of this year that I have learned so much about myself, so much about God, and so much about His plan for me. I can't imagine a life without my faith, and that is wonderful thing. We are so loved by our Heavenly Father, and nothing we can do will ever change that. Love on this Earth is conditional but the Father's love is never ending. How awesome is that?
When things get rough, I mentally go back to that river in Africa. A place where I made a promise to my amazing father, to follow Him to the ends of this Earth, and to serve Him all the days of my life. I know by remembering my promise I made to Him, its easier to remember all of the promises He has made to me. I will never be able to wrap my head around why God works the way He does, and why He cares so much for someone so undeserving, but that's what makes Him so wonderful.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I went to write one thing and it turned into another...

Involuntarily I have been off klonopin for about two weeks now. I take klonopin to help manage my anxiety. However, one of the side effects of klonopin that I have never enjoyed is memory loss, the same effect that seroquel had on me as well. I also joke around about my short-term memory problems but in reality its not so funny. Unfortunately medication is necessary and in these past couple weeks I have remembered that.
I don't know if I can blame this on the lack of mind altering drugs lately, or on the recent assault, but I have unfortunately been remembering many things from my childhood that I knew I had forgotten for a reason. Remembering them seems to do more bad then good but here is me trying to put a positive spin on things. I recognize that my fears and anxieties didn't just materialize out of nowhere and now, finding the source of these inconvenient feelings, I am able to work on them in a more efficient manner. Also, I know realize that the two completely lifestyles I grew up with really ended up giving me two frames of mind which I toggle between seemingly involuntarily. I have a rational, reasonable, predictable side of me where I need to calculate the outcome before I make any decision. Then, I have the side of me that will literally say eff it; no matter what I do the same patterns will repeat over and over.
Well, they have repeated for about 20 years now. Same cycle, same feelings, same endings. Over and over again. Yet, there is a force much stronger than me working harder than I ever have. For every mistake that has been made, over and over, there has been a lesson, over and over. Until recently, I didn't get why I always fell into the same traps and how, like clockwork, that cycle would come and go. I see it now, and I understand it. God can't transform me, He can't work from the inside out, until I'm ready to face my fears, to learn from my mistakes, and consult God in every thing that I do. For the past few years I thought I had been doing that, but I see that I was just bargaining with God saying, "Alright God, I'll let go of this if I can just keep this other thing over here." That's not how it works. God doesn't to bargaining because He knows me better than that. He knows I need to give it all up. To deal with it and to finally hand EVERYTHING over to Him. Including things that happened fifteen years ago that I can barely remember. If I want to stop the pattern, and if I want God to work wonders in me, I need to be more willing, more sacrificial, and more reliant on Him.
I thank God for the clarity and I thank Him for the strength He gives me to do the things I know I have to do. If I can predict next year, I know it will be hard. It will be full of cleansing that I have never experienced before. It will run wild with tears of both pain and joy. Most importantly, if I continue to learn, it will be a wonderful year of growing closer to my maker and a year closer to permanently getting myself off these meds. Who knows, by the end of next year, I may be medication free. What a wonderful day that will be.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Weeping for my safe place

There has been so much going on in the past few years that sometimes I just break down and sob. I wish I was just sobbing for the recent things, but it's the accumulation of the past two years that makes me just break down. As I'm weeping right now, I realized that it all somehow goes back to the biggest loss in my life, my Grandmother.
I miss her horribly. Worse than that. She came up in therapy today and my therapist brought up such a great point. Grandma was my safe place. No matter what was happening in my life, no matter how bad I hurt, she was always there to make it all better somehow. I knew that with her, I was safe. I didn't realize how important that safety was to my life until I somehow remembered some pretty traumatic stuff in my childhood, and recognized a horrible pattern in the generations of my family. Grandma was the one who fought for me, my voice was heard through her. She was truly the one who saved me from myself, and now I realized she also saved me from my family. Without her, I think I'd just be continuing the vicious cycle but because she fought so hard on my behalf, I am so proud to say that it all ends with me.
I wish she was here daily. Especially this year. I need her comfort, her strength, her voice. Mostly, I need my safe place. I want that refuge and stability. I want her to fight for me, to help me be heard. I seem to miss her more and more as time goes by, as life gets harder and I feel so alone in so many decisions I have to make. If she was here, she'd be so upset. She'd be so angry to see what has happened to her family, how we've just fallen apart and forgotten about all the important little things. What a wonderful day it will be when I get to see her again. When she can welcome me home, and once again I will be safe. Until then I pray that God gives me strength and I thank him so much for the safe places I do have.
But it's days like this, when I weep for my safe place. Wishing I could be there to sit safely and just watch the storm as it goes by.

Friday, November 20, 2009

God's little reminders

"Lord, I am your daughter who longs to serve you, I trust your words. Do your work, for I have confidence that it's good."

I found this while sorting through some of books. I wasn't looking for anything in particular,just something interesting to put on my new shelf that I installed in my bedroom. I found the book "Through the Looking Glass: And what Alice found there". This is the original "Alice in Wonderland" and it's an original copy of the book. This book was given to me by my grandmother when she found me in the shed sorting through, and reading some of her old books. I begin to open the pages of the book and found a piece of paper that I used as a bookmark. It was a prescription for Restoril that i was prescribed at Fresno state for sleeping issues. On the back of that paper, was the quote above, written by me. I don't remember writing this quote, in fact, I barely remember being prescribed something for sleep. At that point in my life, I was already having issues with Steve and really the most I remember about my freshman year of college is constant overdosing. That's why that quote intrigues me so much. Maybe I wrote it as a prayer, as a cry to God. Maybe someone told me to write it down. I have no clue. But i do know that quote is exactly what I needed right now. Its easy to just ride the rollercoaster and forget what life is really about. I long to serve the Lord, to glorify his name. I trust in home, even when the enemy preys on my weaknesses. I have confidence in the Lord, his works are good. All He does is for good. It may not seem like it right now but someday I'll look back and realize what God is doing here.
Thank you God for the small things, for forgotten notes like this, that seem to "reappear" at just the right times. I feel empowered again, strengthened. I feel reassured that I am taking the right steps and God is looking down on me, proud to say that I am His daughter. That's so nice to think about. I hope Grandma is looking down too, proud to see her youngest grandchild fight the good fight. Lord, I am your daughter who longs to serve you. I trust your words, do your work, for I have confidence that its good.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


I haven't updated in a long time. Mostly because I either haven't had much to write or I just wasn't ready to share what had been going on. Well, I'm still not ready but I'm quite angry so i thought i'd let some of it out.
Life lately has been rough. I know I use that term quite a lot but this time I don't mean measly ups and downs, I mean some serious stuff has happened and with everything else that has gone on these past few years, I've had enough. I'm in physical and emotional pain now and the worst part is i feel like I have absolutely no voice.
About a month ago I was sexually assaulted in my own home. I won't state details because that is not the purpose of telling you all about it. The purpose is, it is so hard for someone to get Earthly justice when something like that happens. Since the incident, I have been working hard to get the Judicial system to just listen to me, to hear me out. They decided not to press charges, stating that the offenders explanations were reasonable. In fact, the soon to be District Attorney pretty much blamed me for the entire incident. What a slap in the face. Dwell on this for a moment, and I'll get back to it.
Also recently, I have been in an incredible amount of pain, due to my hip. I've been through this before; Doctors, x-rays, MRIs, medications, etc. all leading nowhere. I dropped it a couple years ago but the pain is so intense that this week I decided to do something about it again. Saw my doctor, and she wasn't concerned. She simply referred me to the pain management department and said they would get back to me within a week. Does excruciating, intolerable pain mean nothing to the Doctors that are suppose to make you feel better? Well, today I really couldn't handle the pain so I went to the hospital. The doc there said it was bursitis. I said they ruled that out a few years ago. He insisted it was bursitis so I let him inject my hip with an excruciating shot of cortisone. Yeah, that helped..not. He told me give it a week, although he was stumped as to why the anisthetic he gave me wasn't making the pain any better, just worse.
So those two things bring me to the title of this blog. I feel like I have no voice, anywhere. Im shut down by the courts, I'm shut down by the doctors. I'm shut down by the people who are there to help me. I could sit there and scream at them if i wanted and I know it would be going through one ear and out the other. What has happened in society where one person does not have a voice? Or is it just me? At this point, I'm at the brink of giving up. I pray for God to give me strength and let me be heard but I fear i'm just so tired of all this. I simply cannot take it anymore. I'm mute. I scream and scream and scream and no one hears me, no one does anything about it. I'm lost, confused, but mostly angry. I haven't been this frustrated and low in years. I'm on mute.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Well, I know I have posted in a really long time. I'm still unsure of what to say these days. There have been some amazing moments and there have been moments where i've really had to rely on God to pull me through. Life has definitely changed. So have people. I don't know how to quite put it so I won't elaborate on it. Quite frankly, things just suck. I mean, I have spiritually grown so much and I know I have impacted a few people with my faith and with Chris' story but I can't write a blog and pretend everything is going perfectly. It's still hard to focus on schoolwork and keeping my meds is a hassle. I swear sometimes that if it's not one thing it seems to be another. I know God is still good though so I just keep going. Go until I get a no from God and I guess that's just the way I need to do things to get through all this change. Well, there is a small update I suppose. I hope all of you are doing well.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I really don't know what to say here but I feel that I need to write something.
Chris' memorial was on Saturday and it was beautiful. John Bryant shared a great message and it was nice to hear some stories from Chris' friends. coworkers, and even acquaintances. It was very nice to see the number of people that showed up. Such a testimony to a wonderful person. I must admit, as beautiful as the memorial was, it was very difficult to sit through. I felt like I was hit by a truck, for lack of a better example. It made Chris' passing real. Not that it wasn't before Saturday, it just made everything so final. So I guess now life is suppose to move forward but I feel somewhat stuck. People say things get easier with time but in this situation, it feels exactly like the opposite. Everyday I still go to the Champions, and everyday it gets harder. Things just don't feel right without Chris. We had a barbecue last night and it just felt weird to me. Chris was missing, and there is no way to fix that problem. It's really a hole in my heart that only God will be able to fill.
Also, my sleeping pattern has yet to become normal again. I am so deprived of sleep and I am sure that is not making any of this better. I'm unsure how to fix that as well. I have a Doctor's appointment next week so hopefully we can discuss how to treat the sleep deprivation.
Like I said, things just feel weird. I find myself writing this midday at work in a horrible attempt to keep myself from a complete breakdown. I really hate all this. I'm not angry at God, just upset at the situation. I know that, even through death, Chris is continuing to touch so many lives and I'm being so incredibly selfish wishing that he was still here but I can't help it. Also, if I feel this way, I can't imagine how Chris' family, and Emily is feeling. I actually feel quite selfish for posting a blog about my heartache when I know others are suffering much more. I just can't quite help it. I miss Chris so much. I miss our theoretical conversations, his theories on certain biblical passages, and his jokes about my love life that always contained a serious and true message. I'm sad that my future husband and my future kids will never have the chance to meet Chris. I am also sad that my brother and mother were unable to meet him because I believe he would have truly inspired them like he did me.
I should probably end this blog because at this rate I could seriously go on forever. For those of you who are missing Chris, just as I am, I pray for all of us everyday and I know Chris is praying for us to. May God fill that void we contain in our hearts and may He comfort us. If I know one thing, I know that Chris wants us to know he is truly happy and we need to keep our eyes upon the Lord. Thank you to those of you who have been praying for aching hearts. Your prayers are definitely being heard and answered. God is still good, and He is still victorious. That's really all I have to say right now.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A week

So, It's been a week and I really don't know what to say. I miss Chris very much. Everything just seems so different. I've been spending nights at home lately and I really don't like it. I truly sleep horribly and I wake up to so many cruel dreams. I'm still in denial I will admit. I still can't believe Chris isn't here and I really don't want to believe it. All I can do is keep praying to God and praising Him for the little things and asking Him for comfort and strength. Even through the sadness and anxiety, have been able to focus and act on things that Chris has inspired me to do. I am ready for school to start so I can get closer to getting my bachelor's of science in Nursing. Chris really inspired me to get into the medical field and through helping to take care of Chris, I know that I am more than capable of acing my classes to help other cancer patients strive.
Thank you Chris so much for being such an inspiration. You have softened my heart and helped to show me what my passion truly is. You're amazing bud and I can't wait to share your testimony with anyone who will listen. I am so proud to be your friend.
Saturday is going to be so hard. I'm not ready for it but I know as long as I keep focused on the Lord, everything is going to be okay.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Until I see you again

I've been meaning to update my blog for a very long time now but I just haven't known what to say.
Yesterday evening, Chris Champion passed away. Friends and family had been gathering around him for days, preparing their hearts and saying their goodbyes, but I don't believe anyone can fully prepare themselves for the death of a loved one. Last night was filled with tears, praise, and worship. It was amazing to me that even through all the sadness, we could still give God thanks for so many things. That's really a te4stimony to Chris. Just like his father, he wanted to give all the Glory, through his life and even death, if God called him for it. In his 20 years here, he has affected so many people. His wisdom and faith far surpassed his age. I'm so proud to say that Chris was my best friend, more like a brother than anything. I am so happy that I was able to spend the last three months helping him to get better, and even when he didn't, I'm glad I just got to be there for him, making him as comfortable as possible. Although my heart is aching terribly, I get comfort in knowing Chris is with his Heavenly Father and his dad, John. I especially get comfort in knowing Chris now has a glorified body. He can run, and jump, and dance, without pain or a limp. He can sing and praise without worrying about what the next scan is going to show, or how the next surgery is going to go. He was so brave, so gracious, and so faithful. I learned so much from my friend, lessons that I will always hold dear to my heart and never forgot.
I spent last night at the Champions, just like always. It was difficult to say the least. I longed to hear Chris breathe, I even longed to hear that stupid oxygen machine. I just wanted something to let me know that this was all just a dream, or a really cruel trick. But the silence of morning showed that Chris is indeed gone from this world. I'll admit I still am in shock, I'm not sure if it has really sunken in completely, and I fear for when it does. However, I will keep my eyes fixed on the Lord, just as Chris would want me to.
Goodbye Chris. I love you buddy and I can't wait to see you again. Please pray for us.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Comment from a wonderful sister in Christ

This person whom I do not know, but attended a Bible study with Dawn, left a comment on my previous post that really touched me. Really, it was one of those God things when He knows you need to hear something at a specific moment in time and He uses someone here on this Earth to tell it, or in this case, write it to you. This was a part of her comment that was just amazing to me:
"You said in your blog that God never gives us more than we can handle. That saying is a famous one, but it isn't in the Bible. The thing I have seen as I have studied the lives of His people over and over is that He almost always gives us more than we can handle ... so that we lean on Him -- because NOTHING is more than HE can handle. We need to know that life is always more than we are able to manage (even when it seems otherwise) and we will always be able to find our strength and stability and peace in Him."

That was seriously something that I needed to hear in order to understand a little more of this situation and it makes perfect sense to me. If God only gave us what we as human beings could handle we wouldn't need Him and come to Him. It is so important for us to lean on the Lord and give our worries and our struggles to him. That's what he wants us to do and its times like these when we really do learn to lean on Him and rest in His arms. So, thank you Patty for being an amazing vessel and thank you for sharing those words that truly enlightened me. God bless :)

Monday, June 1, 2009

It's all about Jesus

The past month has been very hard, and not just for me. Chris has been in the hospital for nearly a month now and I must admit there were a few times where my faith in God was tested. There were some days where we weren't sure if Chris was going to make it through to the next day but amazingly, and by God's grace, he is still fighting and seems to be slowly improving. It took all I had to trust God and to continue to pray for healing. They say God never gives us more than he could handle but at times it felt as though he was about to cross that line. I can't even begin to explain the roller coaster of emotions I have felt this past month. All I know is if i wasn't a believer, I would have lost it a while ago. I kept thinking about that last week, about my faith and about Chris and how I am just so thankful God put him into my life. Chris truly worked as a vessel for God to reach me and brought me closer to the Lord. It was Chris' strong faith that truly got me through this month. I knew that I could never give up because I knew Chris wasn't going to. I wish I could see God's bigger picture at times because sometimes its so hard to have faith but I do know that He truly is confirmed and I do believe that this past month has strengthened my faith in Him. John Bryant was talking about how in the Bible it shows that in times like these God strips us of what we think faith is and brings us back to the root of it and how it is all about just trusting and believing that God is in control and He loves us so very much.
I must say I have been rejoicing and thanking God for little things lately. He really has stripped me down to the basics and I feel like I am seeing with new eyes. Everyday is a reason to rejoice and give praise. When Chris pulled out his ventilator I was so concerned and confused. But now I rejoice that we are able to hear his voice, even if it coarse and quiet. Just being able to communicate with him is amazing. It proved that God is victorious, He claimed His victory at the very start of our lives. Chris is slowly improving and I am trusting, in God's timing, that Chris will completely recover from this battling.I honestly believe that God is removing the cancer from his body, even if we can't see it yet. I was asked by a nurse in the hospital what the oncologists have said about Chris' life expectancy and I couldn't help but laugh a little. I proceeded to tell him that it doesn't matter what the scans show or what the doctor's may think (as proven by the last couple weeks!) because God is in control and God is restoring Chris' body. It felt so good to say that to a non believer and believe it whole completely. I think it was then when I got a glimpse of God's plan and the reasoning if why Chris has been in this hospital for so long. There are so many hearts that have been untouched and so many people who need God and I truly believe that by the time Chris is home and healthy, we will have planted a seed for God to nurture in the hearts of many non believers and hopefully we will see people coming to Christ just by witnessing this journey that we have all been a part of. It is hard but as John would say "It's all about Jesus". I truly believe that, and I know Chris does too. We will rejoice the day Chris is back at home and we will thank God for the people we have met and affected a long the way and hopefully Chris will be a patient that they will be inspired by and never forget. To God be the glory.

Friday, May 22, 2009

God is great!

So I am updating my blog at nearly two in the morning to tell you all that Chris is doing so amazing! God is so great and he is truly answering our prayers. They have started to wake him up from his paralytic state and he can hear us and respond. They are waking him up because they changed a setting on his ventilator so he no longer needs his diaphragm to be paralyzed. This is great news! This means he is one step closer to getting of the machine and having a complete recovery! Thank you all so much for all of your prayers. Please continue to pray for Chris as he still has a rough road ahead. Thank you God for all you have done so far!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Shout it out!

So, I know I haven't had a joyous post in a while so its time for one and all I really have to say is God is so good!
Yesterday Chris was in bad shape, and many of us didn't know if he would still be around. But this morning proved that all of our prayers did not go unheard. Chris is doing much better. He has an appetite and is off the breathing apparatus he had yesterday. Also, its two days in to his blood cultures and so far no staph has shown up. Amazing isn't it? I just wanted to go to the top of the mountain and shout to the world that our God is an amazing God! He answers prayers and He has a plan for all of us!God is so good and even though we were scared yesterday, we continued to trust in Him and man, He kept his promises. I cried tears of joy today and I cannot stop smiling. Our God is so wonderful.

Saturday, May 16, 2009


Well, its time to update again I suppose. Instead of focusing on what has been going on in my life I would like to focus this blog on Chris Champion and I hope all of you take some time out of your ay to say a prayer for him and his family.
Chris has been in the hospital for two weeks now. After a few blood tests we found out that Chris had contracted a staph infection in his blood. While fighting off the infection Chris began to have fluid build up in his body leading to pneumonia. Now he is struggling to take a breath and hooked up to all sorts of machinery.
So, please pray diligently. Chris has expressed having anxiety and fear so pray that God will provide him with peace and comfort. Pray that his body starts recovering from this sickness so that he may be able to return home to his friends and family. Also pray for his family (Dawn, Mihaela, and Dan) as well as Emily, that they may have peace and be able to comfort Chris in this difficult time.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Blog Fail...Oh Well, I tried

Well, I haven't updated in a while..Chris says I should so I'm going to try.
I'm not really in the mood to write but a lot has gone on since my last entry so I guess I should write something.
Well, first off, I should let you all know that Dan and I are no longer together. Honestly, I don't know what else to say except yeah, it did/does hurt and I'm trying to move on from it.
Also, I've been down lately.Probably because of what I just mentioned, so things have been a little hard on me. School is tough but okay. It's hard to keep focused but I'm trying. Maybe not as hard as I could be, hmmm...
Beyond that, life has been pretty much the same. I need to keep working on myself (which I have had a hard time doing) and I need to stay on track. Even writing this is a little difficult because I am confused on so much lately.

Ugh, so I'm gonna end this blog now because I'm babbling and it's making no sense. Haha

Thursday, March 12, 2009

What an Awesome God

I am reading a book entitled Next Door Savior by Max Lucado and it prompted me to put a little update on my blog. I started this book a long time ago. I read a few chapters and then set it down and forgot about it. Just like I kind of did with God for a while. I came to Him and rested in His arms but when times turned chaotic I walked away and forgot how it felt to be soothed by my Heavenly Father. I picked up Max Lucado's book tonight and started reading. It's amazing how God speaks to you through just a few words on a page. As you all know, life has been rough, but God is still so good. While reading I felt overwhelming peace and I knew that God was there with me, like He always is. It is easy to get caught up in this Earthly life. To let the worries of this world consume you and drag you down. But when you reach out a hand to God he pulls you up and out of those choppy waters. He lets you rest, knowing that you are safe and He is in control. How wonderful is it to have a father that cares so much for each of us, individually? We all have our own sets of worries and pains and God addresses them individually, providing us with exactly what we need. I know that I cannot walk through this life without my Savior by my side. I am weak, but He is so strong, and he is carrying me as I grow tired from this long road. I hope you all remember to take time out of your day to spend with God. Release all your worries, and place your burdens on Him. That's what he wants. He wants you to lean on Him, to depend on Him, and He will never fail you.

Monday, March 2, 2009


Well, I haven't updated in about a month. And in that month, a lot of stuff has gone on. I wish I could say I was busy with joyful outcomes but to be honest, I've been busy with a lot of pretty heavy stuff. However, God is still great, even in these hard times.
So, if you haven't already heard or read, Chris had surgery to diagnose the nodules that were found in his lungs. The surgeon told us that it appeared to be osteosarcoma in the lymphnode, so he was certain it was osteosarcoma in the lungs as well. Not what we hoped for but God is still good and He has already claimed His victory over Chris' healing. We will just have to wait on God to see when he will heal Chris completely. I still stand firm in the belief that God's intention is to heal Chris completely. THis is just another bump in the road.
Also, Dan and I have hit a few bumps in the road as well. I must admit that the distance has put a strain on our relationship and from time to time we take our life stresses out on eachother. But somehow, that all seems to make us even stronger, putting even more confidence in the fact that we will mkae it through this deployment. We will come out of this a very strong couple, I have faith in that. So, its been rough but God is definitely waitching over us.
Also, it appears that I will be an Aunt. Hmmm...usually this is a joyful occasion for most families but this isn't exactly the ideal situation. My brother has impregnated a girl that he has known for a relatively short amount of time. He seems to be happy about this, and that is good, but the mother-to-be isn't exactly thrilled, and I don't blame her. Becoming a parent at this age (she is a year younger than me) is a very scary thing. Also, this unborn child is creating quite a bit of family tension. My father will not acknowledge the baby, because he still beleives that my brother has not proven himself as a man. I, however, will love this child just like you'd love a brother or sister. It is not the child's fault that this isn't an ideal situation and this baby needs the best possible chance at life that it can get. With that said, my brother really isn't talking to me, sadly. I didn't do anything wrong, he is just angry towards my father, and the things that my father has given me while supporting me during school. That makes me sad because even though me and my brother have never been close, he is still my brother and I love and miss him. I pray everyday that Bryan will be able to see that and put his anger towards my father and I aside so that we can heal our broken relationship.
So, that has pretty much been the last month, minus a few things that I do not wish to write about. Needless to say, it's been rough and in the past week I have found myself in kind of a deep depression, like a rut. So all I can do is pray anf thank God for all the blessings he continues to give me. Any other prayers would be greatly appreciated as well. Ged bless.

Monday, February 9, 2009


So, last Tuesday was John Champions memorial to honor his life. As Dawn said in her blog, it was a time of great joy mixed with sadness. It was truly awesome seeing how many people showed up to honor John. It really touched me to see how many people's lives he touched and I loved hearing some stories from the family members. I only knew John for a few years but in those years he has had a great impact on me. I got up to speak on behalf of the youth that he affected but I wasn't able to say the rest of what was on my mind so I thought I would put it here:
John was an amazing human being. Him and Dawn really helped me on my spiritual path and God used them to get through to me. I give John and Dawn so much gratitude for opening up their house to a bunch of teenagers and always being so selfless. It's amazing how I can rarely mention John without mentioning Dawn too, and that's because they were such a remarkable team. Their marriage is truly something I looked up to and I hope someday that I will have a husband that loves me as much as John loved Dawn. John tought me so many great life lessons, and he was truly like a second dad to me. I looked up to him and I still do. He truly loved the Lord and that love was so infectious. To me, he was a prime example of a servant of God and even his death has glorified the Lord. I take such peace in knowing that John now has a glorified body, he is no longer weak or sick. I miss him, I really do, and when it's my time to meet my maker I will be joyed to see John again. He will continue to be a part of my life and I could never forget the amazing compassion, hospitality, and Faith that he showed me. I truly thank him for letting me be a part of his life.
So those are just a few thoughts of mine about John. And through everything that has happened the past couple weeks, God has given me such great peace. I want my life to glorify God as well and I'm working hard towards that goal.
So Tuesday was a rejuvenating day, even though I was filled with great sadness. I am so glad so many people showed up. It just proves to me that God is victorious, even though some without faith may think otherwise. God is truly great and the service definitely gave glory to Him.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I'm updating this right now for one sole purpose and that is to ask everyone to lift up the Champions in prayer. John Champion has passed away and I'm sure the family is going through a lot. However, God is still good and he will strengthen this family in their time of mourning. Please pray for them, for peace and for strength. They have been amazing servants of God and John's Heavenly Father is proudly welcoming him into the gates of heaven.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


So, with everything going on with Chris and John (referring to the cancer of course) the most common question I've heard is: "What's his Prognosis?" I started researching the type of cancer Chris told me the doctor's thought he had and then, while reading statistics on the survival rates/prognosis I started to feel guilt. I realized that the word "Prognosis" was such a faithless word. I mean, why are we going to base our lives off of statistics? We live by God's grace, not human research. So, no, the "prognosis" may not seem great but I'm not concerned about that. My prognosis, because i'm a healthy 19 year old, is great and yet I could still drop dead moments from now. God decides when it's our time, not any statistic, so I'm going to start living by His time, not my own, knowing that every day is such a blessing. That's how I view it with Johna dn Chris as well. I don't care what their prognosis may be, I only care that every day they are here is a blessing and God will call them up in His time. Honestly, I don't think God will be calling Chris up anytime soon, he still has too much work to do for God on this Earth. So, next time you start researching statistics and looking at the lifetime prognosis, remember that God is in control, not us. God is greater than any medicine, any surgeon, and any medical machine. God has the power to say when we will go and He will call us up, one by one, when it is our time. And, when it is our time, we will have no fear because we know that we are going to live with our Heavenly Father. So now, when someone asks about John or Chris' diagnosis, I simply respond, "Who knows? God will call them when it's time. And that could be 90 years from now, and I hope it is."

Monday, January 19, 2009

God is Still Good, this past week has been difficult, to say the least. School, work, and a friend had a Brain Biopsy. You can read all about it on his blog: or his mom's blog:
As you'll see, Chris is doing very well, expecially considering he just had Brain Surgery on Wednesday. I'm constantly amazed by him and his family, and how strong their faith in God is. I have known them for a few years now and they have really helped me grow in my faith and become not just a believer in Christ, but a follower. Chris' surgery was Wednesday and eventhough the results weren't what we wanted, I was amazed at how we all gathered around and still rejoiced. Our God is still good no matter how rough the road seems. Wednesday was actually one of the first times that I felt strong in prayer, I felt God flow through me and I truly believe that He will heal Chris, I have no doubts. So, Wednesday was real tough day but I know that God has already claimed victory over Chris' cancer, the enemy has not and will not win.
So, from that note, Church on Sunday was amazing as well. I had other things stressing me through the week. God never gives you more than you can handle but he sure got close this time. But during communion at The Way Fellowship, I literally felt God place his hand on my head as I was praying to Him for healing and peace. I didn't realize how heavy of a load I was carrying until I felt God take all of my burdens. I felt so light. How Amazing is Our God that he loves us enough to carry our burdens for us? I am not deserving of His amazing grace but he gives it to me anyways because He loves each and every one of us. All I had to say was "Wow". I was just in complete awe of my Father in Heaven and I feel so truly blessed to know the Lord.
So thank you Chris for that bet, that I lost a few years ago, it helped me find my Savior again. And thank you John and Dawn for all the guidance you have given me, I look up to all of you. My prayers are always with you and remember, our God is the Almighty Healer, He can and will Heal.

Friday, January 9, 2009

New Year

Well, I guess its that time to review 2008 and all its ups and downs...
2008 started off, well, I honestly don't remember and that's really my issue with 2008, I don't remember half of it. Honestly though, 2008 was probably one of my darket years. In the beggining of 2008 I was on my second semester at Fresno State. Took 2 Econ classes, a yoga class, Comm 8, and a Creative Writing Class. Creative Writing was Amazing...Taking 2 Econ classes at one time was amazingly stupid...COmm 8 was fun...and Yoga was the biggest load of crap ever. The remaining Winter months went by smoothly and then we hit Spring. Normally my favorite season of the year but this is where the problems of 2008 really started occuring. The ex and I were having issues (He was cheating) and my grades fell, dramatically. I was sick, and lost a lot of weight (and I looked great!). Summer was just about the same. Became engaged to that same ass of an ex and then fell brutally out of love all the while catching up with some old friends (and one in particular I grew much closer to). The end of summer sparked a new beginning and a difficult battle with myself. Four hospital visits later and I was on new medication with a new love (stange to put those two things in a sentence huh?). Fall brought new friends, good times, and a healthier, more vibrant me. Winter brought changes of all kinds: a new place to call home, a high school friend turned lover, and adjusting to a life loving a soldier. The year was rocky and even though it may have been one of my worst years, I probably learned the most in 2008. So for 2009 I predict happiness, healthy relationships, growing closer to God and to Family. It will be an interesting year for our Country and some hard times are on their way but as always, I will perservere and so will our Country. I predict 2009 will be a great year, but probably one of the most challenging yet for me. I wish you all a Happy New Year, and live every moment to it's fullest!