There has been so much going on in the past few years that sometimes I just break down and sob. I wish I was just sobbing for the recent things, but it's the accumulation of the past two years that makes me just break down. As I'm weeping right now, I realized that it all somehow goes back to the biggest loss in my life, my Grandmother.
I miss her horribly. Worse than that. She came up in therapy today and my therapist brought up such a great point. Grandma was my safe place. No matter what was happening in my life, no matter how bad I hurt, she was always there to make it all better somehow. I knew that with her, I was safe. I didn't realize how important that safety was to my life until I somehow remembered some pretty traumatic stuff in my childhood, and recognized a horrible pattern in the generations of my family. Grandma was the one who fought for me, my voice was heard through her. She was truly the one who saved me from myself, and now I realized she also saved me from my family. Without her, I think I'd just be continuing the vicious cycle but because she fought so hard on my behalf, I am so proud to say that it all ends with me.
I wish she was here daily. Especially this year. I need her comfort, her strength, her voice. Mostly, I need my safe place. I want that refuge and stability. I want her to fight for me, to help me be heard. I seem to miss her more and more as time goes by, as life gets harder and I feel so alone in so many decisions I have to make. If she was here, she'd be so upset. She'd be so angry to see what has happened to her family, how we've just fallen apart and forgotten about all the important little things. What a wonderful day it will be when I get to see her again. When she can welcome me home, and once again I will be safe. Until then I pray that God gives me strength and I thank him so much for the safe places I do have.
But it's days like this, when I weep for my safe place. Wishing I could be there to sit safely and just watch the storm as it goes by.