Monday, April 28, 2008


These last few weeks have been quite crazy and I know some of you are waiting for an update. Well, a positive one at least. I can't say everything is perfect and back to normal like i wish i could but that just isn't the case. However, i can say that things don't seem to be as difficult and painful as they were. Steve and I are working things out and the outlook is good. I'm amazed out how much we have been through in our time together and, quite honestly, at this point i feel that we can make it through just about anything. With that said, a lot of things still need to be changed. The ex needs to stop calling and texting, something that she said she would do but that she has failed at so far. Also, trust needs to be re-established because i'm tired of asking the same questions over and over but, for my heart's sake, it needs to be done. Thirdly, we need to get the hell out of Fresno. Steve will hopefully be able to ;eave work sometime shortly and we both will be able to have a relationship together. Until then, things are kind of rocky and they will be because he has lost all my trust up here in this town. I am confident though that we will finally get to the point when i am able to breathe and rest, assured that these days and these trials are over. Until then, continued prayer for my health and my relationship with Steve would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry, i'm going to kind of go off topic here but something just popped into my mind. I was talking to my good friend Adrienne on the phone the other day and we've both been having a hard time lately. She said that sometimes things just need to get worse before they get better. In some ways, that statement really does seem true. I pretty much hit rock bottom Saturday night. Sometimes that is what happens. After all, when you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up. After that, things seem to be doing better. Like i said earlier, not perfect, but better. I just pray that I can stay healthy and strong and that I can salvage what I can of my classes this semester. Things sure aren't easy but God really has given my heart peace.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


Again, where do I start? I'm taking backward steps in life and this really isn't fun. It's private so I can't explain everything but I just keep on thinking where I've gone wrong. I have no clue what happened. One moment I'm getting everything together and then another moment everything is just crumbling right in front of me. I am so far down I have no idea how to get back up, if that's even possible. My mind is so scrambled right now, I'll write more later.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Let go.

I don't even know where to begin. My brain is so scrambled i just can't seem to get out a complete thought. I am so hurt, heartbroken, scared, anxious, angry, and so many other things. I have no idea why this is happening and I have no idea on what is right for me to do. I have been sick for two weeks now, haven't been able to hold down any food since Wednesday, and I barely have enough strength in my body to get down from my own bed. This is just ridiculous. My head says let it go but my heart says hold on. I hate that, i really do. I wish that my heart and my head could agree for once. I guess that's why they say love makes you blind because it really does. So, I let go because if this keeps going on I fear that I will honestly end up in the hospital. I can't do that to myself. I have come so far in my life, so far from where I've been and I am not going to take backward steps. I just pray that God can heal me quickly because even letting go isn't going to be easy. Please pray for me.

Friday, April 18, 2008


I thought I'd let everyone in on what's going on lately because I don't know if I can really explain it on an individual basis.
So, the past two weeks have been absolute hell (well, Fresno has been absolute hell). It has probably been one of the worst (not the worst but one of the worst) times in my life. In regards to a relationship, I have never felt so much heart ache in my life. I love Steve so much but at the same time in order to deal with Steve I have to deal with a few (and one person in particular) people who really make life unbearable. In the end, it just wasn't worth it to me. The strain that outsiders had on our relatioship in Fresno was too much to bear and I admit that I crumbled horribly under the pressure. I realized that I cannot, and will not, have a relationship with Steve as long as I have to have those few people in my life. This means that, in Fresno, I cannot be with Steve. I'm so tired of battling and getting hurt daily because someone else refuses to let go (not to mention they're just plain psycho and immature). I don't think I realized how this "battle" affected my mental and physical health until this past week and I will not sacrifice my health to continue to be the only one battling for something. So, I am back in Bakersfield to get better (hopefully) and to be able to clear my mind of all this mess. I have one month left in Fresno and, although I really wanted to drop out, I will finish out the semester and hope that my GPA hasn't been affected too badly. From there, I'm unsure. If I do not get into APU next semester I will most likely be moving back home because Fresno is not an option for me.
With the loss of both my grandmothers and some family issues, this has been an extremely tough 2 semsters and I don't need other people making it worse. So please pray for me. Pray for my health, my patience, and my schooling. Also, please pray for the people that have made my life difficult, that they may have peace and learn to just let go.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Some Verses to Help Me Get Through This

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.
Matthew 6:25-27

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV

Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22 NASB

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Christianity isn't for cowards...

This weekend a group of us went down to SLO and we stayed at the Safina's beach house in Cayucos. Mrs. Safina and I were talking about something and she said, "Christianity isn't for cowards." I've heard this so many times before but it is just now that I am really getting the meaning of it. Since becoming a Christian I can't say that my life has technically become easier but I can say that I feel at peace so much more just because I know that God is always with me. The last few weeks have definitely been extremely tough on me and often I have found myself literally crying out to God. The plans that he has for me are great but because I am choosing to follow Him and be so devoted I am sacrificing so much. It is so hard to watch a relationship crumble right in front of you and not being able to do anything about it because I have made a choice to whole-heartedly serve my Heavenly Father. In my eyes, these changes are difficult but they come with reassurance that God is taking care of me and He is guaranteeing me such a spiritually fulfilled life. I can't compromise the decisions that I am making for God and so I guess I don't fully understand when someone is having a much more difficult time with the changes than I am. I have no idea how much of a journey this will be but I know that God will NEVER give me more than I can handle. His timing will be and is perfect and I just need to have complete faith in that. Nobody said that being a Christian would be easy and now I am just at the beginning of my struggle. I'm going to quote something from Mrs. Safina's blog that sums up exactly what I'm Trying to say, "God doesn't promise you a life without difficulties. But He does promise that He will always be with you." God is sure testing my heart right now so I ask for prayers that I might make it through this tough patch with my relationship intact.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Spark

So I couldn't help but look back at my life during the last few days and look at how certain people have made an amazing impact on me. Of course, my grandmother came to mind and instead of pain this time i felt overjoyed. I'm so excited for what God is doing in my life and I know, as she is looking down, she is excited too. A question went through my mind yesterday and I thought about it for quite a while. What would grandma think? In regards to going into Christian ministry, looking in to mission trips, and just whole-heartedly serving the Lord. I think she would be so proud. Looking back, she is a big motivation for me to get involved more and more into the church. A few memories came to mind of her and YLCC (Yosemite Lakes Community Church) and through those I absolutely know that this is what God wants me to do. She was sort of the backbone of the church, planning VBS, cooking for luncheons, and helping out with anything she can. I am so happy to be basically following in her Amazing footsteps. Its astonishing how you don't really realize how much something in your childhood has impacted you until years down the road. I can only pray to become more and more like her because she is absolutely the best role model to anyone. She loved the Lord and had such a strong relationship with God but she was never judgmental and allowed all sorts of people into her home; believers and non-believers always felt welcome. That's what I hope to do. Bring people to the Lord without using scare tactics or shoving the word down her throat. The Lord used her just like he is beginning to use me and I am so ready for this adventure to begin. So thanks Grams for the spark that has ignited a blazing fire!

Monday, April 7, 2008

An Amazing Sunday

Yesterday was the last day of the God Encounter weekend that Celebration Church does every month. Nesta and I went to the 11:30 Sunday morning service to hear Pastor Randy speak. His sermon was so amazing, it really hit me. It was all about the hand of God and commissioning the hand of God. It was also about miracles and the reason why so many of us say we don't "see" them anymore. A great thing from his message were the 2 points of God's Hand: 1. God's hand will result in something Glorious, 2. God's hand will bring destruction on your enemies. Pretty awesome huh? Also, Pastor Randy pointed out a verse in the Bible about people shortening God's hand. Basically, this means that we doubt God's power. I'm sure we've all been guilty of this at some point or another but we need to remember that God can do anything! He can restore life, fix marriages, even give someone a new eye. Never put God in a box!
That night, we had the closing of Encounter weekend at the clovis facility. This place was huge! Anyways, Phil Munsey (amazing Pastor, man of God) came to speak to us. It was a great message about legacy and how we need to help the generations. The future of this movement is in the kid's hands and if we don't proclaim that everything we have is because of God and His Glory, how will they know? Also, something that spoke truly to my heart, no matter where you are God will always get you to where you need to be. He specifically made you for this time period, this day, this time. He picked your parents for a reason, he made you the way you are for a purpose. How great is that? God specifically planned who I am, who would give birth to me, and how I would serve Him. Makes me look at my past and say, "Wow, I get it God."
Overall, amazing worship Sunday. I grew that much closer to God and affirmed some things that I had been thinking for a while. God is amazing!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Sons of Snakes

Lately I've been feeling "un-Godly". Kind of the only word really that i can use to describe it at this moment. Basically, what I mean by "un-Godly" is simply that I have not been living my life as a Christian, follower of God, like I should be doing. I am human, but I know that I can do so much better than I am doing right now. I am definitely letting life get to me. I'm letting people in general get to me. My temper (you know that lovely thing that gets you in a whole bunch of trouble) has honestly been a little out of control. I've been cursing more, yelling more, arguing more, but, mostly, I've been hurting so much more. Life hasn't been anything like I thought it would be, and I'm realizing that it's going to be much different than I ever thought. But, this rough patch, I guess is just something that I have to deal with, and I should really keep reminding myself to deal with it in a more peaceful manner. Screaming and cursing and fighting is not going to get me through this but God is. I was watching Brad Stine the other day (and amazingly funny Christian comedian) and something actually impacted me. I've been reading a lot more lately about Jesus' life in the book of Luke and I have learned so much more about the relationship Jesus had with the Pharisees. Brad Stine talked about this a little bit and how Jesus even once called the Pharisees Sons of Snakes (in layman's terms obviously). Now, this in no way justifies anything that I have done, but this really conveyed to me that Jesus was indeed human as well and as a human he had emotions and opinions, and everything else that humans have. In that moment, when he called the Pharisees sons of snakes (something very bad in those days) he was showing his human side and showing me that I'm not always going to be "Godly" but I have an obligation to still love the people who oppose me and try to hurt me. Pretty cool moment actually. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, it's okay to let my human side show. It's okay to be angry, to be hurt, to argue every now and then but I always need to remember that God has complete control and, no matter what, I am His child and I must love those around me. I may act wrong at times but little things like that keep me in check.