Friday, November 20, 2009

God's little reminders

"Lord, I am your daughter who longs to serve you, I trust your words. Do your work, for I have confidence that it's good."

I found this while sorting through some of books. I wasn't looking for anything in particular,just something interesting to put on my new shelf that I installed in my bedroom. I found the book "Through the Looking Glass: And what Alice found there". This is the original "Alice in Wonderland" and it's an original copy of the book. This book was given to me by my grandmother when she found me in the shed sorting through, and reading some of her old books. I begin to open the pages of the book and found a piece of paper that I used as a bookmark. It was a prescription for Restoril that i was prescribed at Fresno state for sleeping issues. On the back of that paper, was the quote above, written by me. I don't remember writing this quote, in fact, I barely remember being prescribed something for sleep. At that point in my life, I was already having issues with Steve and really the most I remember about my freshman year of college is constant overdosing. That's why that quote intrigues me so much. Maybe I wrote it as a prayer, as a cry to God. Maybe someone told me to write it down. I have no clue. But i do know that quote is exactly what I needed right now. Its easy to just ride the rollercoaster and forget what life is really about. I long to serve the Lord, to glorify his name. I trust in home, even when the enemy preys on my weaknesses. I have confidence in the Lord, his works are good. All He does is for good. It may not seem like it right now but someday I'll look back and realize what God is doing here.
Thank you God for the small things, for forgotten notes like this, that seem to "reappear" at just the right times. I feel empowered again, strengthened. I feel reassured that I am taking the right steps and God is looking down on me, proud to say that I am His daughter. That's so nice to think about. I hope Grandma is looking down too, proud to see her youngest grandchild fight the good fight. Lord, I am your daughter who longs to serve you. I trust your words, do your work, for I have confidence that its good.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


I haven't updated in a long time. Mostly because I either haven't had much to write or I just wasn't ready to share what had been going on. Well, I'm still not ready but I'm quite angry so i thought i'd let some of it out.
Life lately has been rough. I know I use that term quite a lot but this time I don't mean measly ups and downs, I mean some serious stuff has happened and with everything else that has gone on these past few years, I've had enough. I'm in physical and emotional pain now and the worst part is i feel like I have absolutely no voice.
About a month ago I was sexually assaulted in my own home. I won't state details because that is not the purpose of telling you all about it. The purpose is, it is so hard for someone to get Earthly justice when something like that happens. Since the incident, I have been working hard to get the Judicial system to just listen to me, to hear me out. They decided not to press charges, stating that the offenders explanations were reasonable. In fact, the soon to be District Attorney pretty much blamed me for the entire incident. What a slap in the face. Dwell on this for a moment, and I'll get back to it.
Also recently, I have been in an incredible amount of pain, due to my hip. I've been through this before; Doctors, x-rays, MRIs, medications, etc. all leading nowhere. I dropped it a couple years ago but the pain is so intense that this week I decided to do something about it again. Saw my doctor, and she wasn't concerned. She simply referred me to the pain management department and said they would get back to me within a week. Does excruciating, intolerable pain mean nothing to the Doctors that are suppose to make you feel better? Well, today I really couldn't handle the pain so I went to the hospital. The doc there said it was bursitis. I said they ruled that out a few years ago. He insisted it was bursitis so I let him inject my hip with an excruciating shot of cortisone. Yeah, that helped..not. He told me give it a week, although he was stumped as to why the anisthetic he gave me wasn't making the pain any better, just worse.
So those two things bring me to the title of this blog. I feel like I have no voice, anywhere. Im shut down by the courts, I'm shut down by the doctors. I'm shut down by the people who are there to help me. I could sit there and scream at them if i wanted and I know it would be going through one ear and out the other. What has happened in society where one person does not have a voice? Or is it just me? At this point, I'm at the brink of giving up. I pray for God to give me strength and let me be heard but I fear i'm just so tired of all this. I simply cannot take it anymore. I'm mute. I scream and scream and scream and no one hears me, no one does anything about it. I'm lost, confused, but mostly angry. I haven't been this frustrated and low in years. I'm on mute.