Monday, December 31, 2007

Ow and Wow

So, I actually have two pretty important updates. One is pretty amazing and the other is, well, heart-breaking to me I guess you can say. Yet, these polar opposite updates actually sort of link together in the end, you’ll see…
I won’t beat around the bush here, I’ll just get straight to the point: Steve and I have decided that it is best if we are apart…aka…we have broken up. Believe it or not, it was actually a mutual decision. He broke the news first (sent me a message while I was driving back to bako) but I actually agreed with him. Don’t get me wrong, I love the man more than anything but I really think we just went way too fast. I mean, he was practically living in the dorms with me before we were officially dating. Also, I’ve been having an extremely tough time lately and unfortunately I have had a tendency to take that out on Steve, which isn’t fair to him whatsoever. So, staying on the positive side of things, this will be a good move. I will be going back to the dorms and putting my studies and God as my main focus. If me and Steve are able to give it another chance, Awesome. If not, well, it’s something that I will just have to deal with. For now, space is good for me. I need to handle some things on my own and fix myself before I am able to dedicate my attention to a significant other. I’m not “joyous” about the decision, and I do feel heart-broken, but I know that it’s the right thing to do for now. Things always work themselves out in the end, I’m just wondering what that end will be.
Now, on to the better update. I went to Westbrook (spelling?) tonight to attend worship. Apparently, every Sunday evening at Westbrook, there is live Christian music followed by a sermon. It’s kind of a youth thing but I guess everyone is invited. Anyways, I realized the void that I have been feeling for a few weeks now. God really put his hand on me and spoke to me during worship. It’s kind of hard to explain in writing but I’ll try my best. It’s like God was telling me to just let go. Let go of all the grudges I hold, let go of all my bitterness and pain and just trust Him. All this time, I had been carrying an insecurity, a bitterness towards Steve and Cat’s relationship and I hadn’t been able to let that go until God showed me (I wish he would have shown me a little sooner and some things may have ended up differently but everything is in God’s time). Along with the grudge I had been holding against Steve, I had been harboring a pain in my heart from the loss of my grandmother and a growing attraction to the physically painful addiction that I have gone so long without. God spoke to me and I listened. He said I am human, and I have sins, but that is why he sent his son down to Earth; so that my sins may be forgiven and forgotten. God said that I must do that as well; forgive and forget. I completely forgive Steve now, whereas I just said it was okay but kept it inside. As for my grandmother, God took that pain from my heart and replaced it with peace and love. He showed me that her death was not an end, but a beginning for me and a motivation to keep her proud of me. God also put his hand upon my addiction, letting me know that instead harboring my emotional pain and turning it into physical pain, I shall give him my emotional pain and he can turn it into something beautiful: a learning experience. I have never felt such a presence from God.
So, here’s where everything ties in: A big part (if maybe not all) of me and Steve’s problem was my stubbornness and my unwillingness to let past events go. I held a grudge, bitterness, and jealousy. An addiction, and a pain in my heart that I thought I could handle all the on my own but the truth is I simply can’t. All these voids, sins, have been filled by God’s amazing grace and I truly feel blessed (and also stupid that I hadn’t listened close enough before) that God has forgiven me and that he has also given me the power to forgive and forget. I am finally at peace (not saying that I’m not feeling hurt by the break up) and I feel that I can face my personal life and take responsibility. Quite frankly, I needed to grow up and let the little things go. God showed me how this evening and what an amazing feeling this is; to be able to forgive every grudge I still hold. From the issues I had with Steve and Cat talking to even the years of built up issues from my mom. I HUGE weight has been lifted off my chest and I feel like the old me again. I’m ready to be spontaneous and fun loving. I’m ready to take my freedom responsibly and let others enjoy theirs. My God is an AMAZING God and he taught me such valuable, life-long lesson, that I will never forget. I’m not saying that I will instantly be able to forgive, or easily resist addiction but I know that with God on my side I have already won the battle. I just need to keep believing in myself and enjoy this beautiful life that I am most certainly blessed with. I honestly feel like a new person. Like the old Brooke, but better. I feel just a little wiser and a little more mature and I feel that the void that I have been feeling has just been filled with God’s grace and my forgiveness.
So, yeah, that’s my update. From heartbreak to God, from feeling lost to feeling renewed by the Holy Spirit. Every day is a blessing, and so is every experience. In just 2 hours, I feel like I have finally conquered something that I have battling for years. I feel that I am finally at peace and I that I finally (after years of struggling) love myself and love who I have become. So, here is to my beginning, my new outlook, and my new ability to love others without holding a past grudge. Thank you Heavenly Father!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Just Stuck

Basically, my life has been a roller coaster lately. WAY too many ups and downs and not enough consistency. It's been way to much it seems. I guess what I'm trying to say is that i just don't feel happy anymore and i really don't understand why. There's just a giant void, and it seems to get bigger and bigger. I need something but nothing or no one seems to be able to give me what I need. I've been praying to God, hoping that he'll point me in some sort of direction but i know that everything is done in his time and it looks like I'm going to have to wait. Well, i thought i would have had more to write but it looks like I've run out of thoughts. Like, everything is just sort of stuck. Guess my writing is truly reflecting my feelings. If i think of anything else, I'll write more....

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Bonding and Letting Go...

Yesterday I decided to make a trip to Madera to take my Grandpa out to lunch. I love him, but I've never been really close to him so I thought, seeing as we both miss Grandma so much, now would be a good time to bond. We went to Sal's Mexican Restuarant, one of Grandpa's favorite. Him and Grandma used to go there every week, or just about. It was really nice to spend time with him. He was waiting for me in the lobby of the retirement center and he looked so excited that he was going to go somewhere with his granddaughter. It was really a great bonding time, and I never knew Grandpa could talk so much! Towards the end of dinner, an elderly lady walked up to us and commented on our relationship. Grandpa points to me and says, "That's my granddaughter." He just looked so happy, and so proud. At the end of the night, i dropped grandpa back off at the retirement home. You could tell that the dinner really made his night, and i as really proud to be HIS granddaughter. I really would like to take him out to dinner more often...
With that said, today is a sad day. December 18th, 2007, Grandma's 87th birthday. Well, it would be if she was still with us. I really wanted to bring flowers to her grave, but the weather has been horrible and I don't really feel comfortable driving on the highway in this weather. I just might later on tonight anyways. I miss her so much. Donna told me a story about a woman who had lost a child (not the same thing as a grandmother, but still the same concept. She lost someone very close to her). The first holiday without her child was hard for the woman, but she made it through to the next year. The next year was hard as well, but she was a little more used to her child not being there. I guess the point is, losing someone that close to you is hard, and you'll always miss them. But as each year passes, you'll get used to them not being around and, eventually, it won't hurt as bad. What Donna told me really wasn't that comforting watsoever but i guess it's true that the truth can hurt. I'll miss her: on holidys, birthdays, and every day in between. Some days wll be worse than others but over time I'll get used to her not being here. Sometimes I think she's still with me, just a phone call away like she used to be. Now, she's just a prayer away and I trust that God is taking care of his loyal servant. So, Happy Birthday Grandma. I hope Heaven is throwing a party just for you. And don't worry, we'll have some champaigne for you down here :)

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Take A Closer Look

Since I've moved to Fresno for college, i feel like i have grown away from God, like I'm not as close to him as i used to be. I recognized this and it made me feel horrible. God has never turned hs back on me bu it feels like I've turned my back on him by not making time to talk to God and to trust God. I've been wanting to take control of everything, i haven't let God handle anything. So, when i was in Bakersfield one weekend, i decided to go to Borders, I was looking for a book, something to help guide me, to help me study God's word and be closer to him. Well, what I found was Take a Closer Look for Women by Jan Kern. It's basically about applying the God's word to your everyday life. One section really struck me, it seemed like i related so well to it with what has been going on lately. There was a prayer in there and it really affected me, "I am your daughter who longs to serve you. I trust your words. Do your work, for i have confidence that it is good." This really spoke volumes to me. I long to serve God, to serve him faithfully and without question. I want him to work in my life, to use me as a servant for Him and His kingdom. I need to trust God more and have confidence in him. Just stop everyday life. Instead of puttin' around on MySpace, talk to God, spend time with God. Trust Him, have confidence in Him. No matter what is on your shoulders, God will help carry it. I truly needed to be reminded of this message and seeing again just calms my soul.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Rocky Seas

So, lately things just haven't been, well, they just haven't been fun. It's been kind of a tough week for me, luckily i was able to come home to bako yesterday...
So, first off, with the holiday season coming up, i miss my grandmother more and more, both of them actually. No, i could care less about the checks or gifts i would normally receive, i care about the fact that this will be the first winter break without grandma Dorothy, and the first break without hearing from meemaw. It just sucks. I wouldn't think i would miss grandma Dorothy this much after over three months, but i do. In fact, I'm missing her more and more. For instance, I went with Steve the other day up to the casino. We passed by an intersection where me and my brother used to meet up with grandma just about every weekend. My eyes started to water and i felt like my heart was broken (how many times can a heart break before it stops working?). I had to turn my head for a second so Steve wouldn't notice. So, it's been hard, really hard, and there really hasn't been anyone there to help me through it. I think that's why i come home so much...
Secondly, Steve and I kind of had some problems. Earlier in the week, i found out that when me and Steve first began talking, but not technically dating i guess you could say, he was still with Cat. That really upset me seeing as i asked him over and over again if he had a girlfriend and he always confidently replied, "No." By lying, he basically showed that he had little or no respect for me and he lost my trust. With that being said, another issue comes up: Apparently him and Cat are talking like old buddies again. Normally, that wouldn't upset me, but given that they were together for five years and i have only been with him a short couple months, it really bothers me. I guess, when it all comes down to it, I'm just afraid of getting hurt again. I've been in this situation, I'm not an idiot, i just tend to keep my mouth shut. Steve and i talked about it and i guess we resolved it, but I'm still a little upset. I guess it's that I'm not quite ready for him to be conversing with her. It's just so easy to go back to an ex like Cat because they were together for so long and people like to go back to what they're used to. So, we talked about the issue, but i still have all my fears and my intuition is saying I'm going to get hurt, as usual. Steve really hasn't reassured me otherwise.
So, that's my week in a nutshell. I just pray for peace, over and over, because feeling this anxious and this tense makes me want to reverse back to old habits. This, to me, is really a trying time, like a test, to see if I've really cleaned up, if I'm really "okay". Sometimes i think God gives me too much to handle, but i know that he never will. I just really need my grandmother right now, but, by saying that, i realize that i always seem to need her. She was my guide, my angel, and now i feel lost. I'm glad that she is in heaven, with God, but sometimes i selfishly wish she was here, with me. So, if any of you are praying for me, pray for peace, wisdom, and understanding to help me through this time...

Saturday, December 1, 2007

A Little Upset

So, tonight my friend Amanda gives me a call and tells me that some of our friends are going to be at the fraternity house to just hang out and have some fun. So, i decided to go seeing as i wasn't at all sleepy (at 12:30am) and i haven't hung out with some of the boys in quite a while. I was really happy when i entered the house because it was kind of like old times: the boys, Amanda, the brothers, just chillin and having a great time. Then, i noticed Steve's ex was there, which was fine with me because i actually respect her as a person, seeing as she hasn't given me a reason not to. So, i went on like it was nothing and proceeded to chat with some of the boys. Then, i see one of the brothers walk up to me and i think, "Oh Shit". Yup, i knew what was coming: i had to leave the house because Steve's ex was there. I wasn't even there for five minutes, barely enough time to greet everyone and then say goodbye. It was actually quite embarrassing for me to have to show up and then suddenly leave without an explanation. What upsets me the most is that, as long as Steve's ex is at one of the fraternity kickbacks or parties (and she is friends with the majority of the brothers, so she has every right to be there) i can't go. That actually pisses me off because a lot of these boys are like my brothers, and i love every one of them. It just seems so damn childish. Steve and his ex broke up about three months ago and i still am not allowed to be anywhere she is. I mean, aren't we all adults here? Can't we act like it? I would never tell her that she wasn't allowed somewhere where i was (even at my own house) if she shared mutual friends. It just seems so unfair (yes, i know, life isn't fair). I was so excited to go hang out with all of the boys that i have missed so much but i was forced to leave so soon. Doesn't anyone else think this scenario is just rediculous? Or is it just me?