Nightmare

My patience, my endurance, and my overall emotional strength has really been tested this last month. Between Matt, my grandmothers, college, my mother, addictions, and summer plans and i am just exhausted. This past month has stretched me quite thin and i'm starting to show the ware. I'm trying, i'm really trying, to keep my head baove the water but sometimes i just would rather sink. God has continued to keep me safe and still has blessed me with so many things but i just feel like i'm going to sink. I can't even begin to explain all that has been going on. It's been like one giant nightmare and just like anightmare it has been difficult to recall even the smallest details. I mean, it hasn't all been horrible but it seems like the difficult parts are starting to overshadow the good aspects of it all.
Yesterday i had my orientation for Fresno State. It was a really cool trip and i loved the ag department. I was so stoked for fresno state and was pretty cheery. Well, i got home around 5:30. I went upstairs to get ready for the luau that the youth group was having over at Chris' house when my dad called me downstairs. He informed me that my grandmother (meemaw as i always called her) had passed away around 5 o'clock that evening. He didn't want to tell me while i was driving so he thought it would be best to inform me when i got home. Well, i left the house to go chill with Ryan for a bit at the MP and then went to Chris' till about 1am. I really still haven't let it hit me and i really don't want it to. I really don't want to deal with it. I really don't want to deal with anything. I have fought so hard to be happy, i have fought so hard to be strong and to be okay and to not fall apart. I really don't want to lose all that i've worked for but i am. Shit, it really fucking sucks. It really really sucks. I'm so fucking lost and i'm so fucking tired and i just feel so defeated. It's like i'm optimistic based on nothing. It's like i have no ground to stand on, nothing to lean on. Fuck i wish this nightmare could jsut end, i really do.

The Extraordinary

So, this week has been such a huge learning experience for me. As you should know from the last blog, me and Matt have broken up. I still love him and i respect him, i just felt like we were both too stressed and we just weren't being fair to ourselves. This week has given us space and has given me a lot if time for reflection. Tuesday and Wednesday were my hardest days but i have some amazing friends and coworkers who have helped me to pull through. Thursday i was cheery and had almost gone a full 180 from Tuesday. I've learned a lot in such a short period of time. I've learned to not stress the small stuff so much, let God be in control. Yes, small things may add up to something huge but pick and choose your battles. So many of them aren't worth it. I've learned so much about myself, and why i react the way that i do. I've learned I'm not a bad person, just someone who is still learning as they go. My relationship with Matt has taught me so many things, i just didn't realize them until it was over. I'm literally living moment to moment. Living in this world and truly enjoying everything in it. It makes a big difference in who I am now. Friday was a roadblock for me, and a huge test in not only my values but in my faith. I let something happen that shouldn't have and i had the worst feeling ever. I literally fell apart inside and i was afraid that all my hard work this week would be destroyed in just a few minutes. I prayed to God over and over and saturday i woke up just like the days before: with a beautiful smile on my face. God has given me so much strength in the past week and i am truly grateful for that. I talked to matt over text messages the other day and it was nice to just say hi without any arguing in between. I truly do miss him and he still has my heart. This isn't someone that i just want to "get over". This is a man that i have shared so much with and i have learned so much from that i embrace the tremendous amount of love i still feel for him. I want him to stay in my life, whether it's just friends or if it turns in to something more again. It's all his choice and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with the decisions i've made and so is my heart. God has given me amazing peace and i wish i could share that with everyone. I just feel so blessed and loved. This week has truly been my testimony. It may seem like nothing out of the ordinary but to me it has definitely been the extraordinary...

No longer "us"

Well, as of last night, me and Matt are no longer together. We had been arguing like crazy and i finally decided to drop the key off at his house for good. It's not that i don't love him anymore (because i still do) it's that fact that in two weeks time we seemed to do a complete 180 of how we used to be. He was on edge more, claiming that i was bugging him. I was on edge more because i couldn't see him or even hear his voice (and yes matt, if you're reading this, i know you can answer your cell phone). It kinda sucks because i realy do miss him but you can't make somebody miss you or want you. I didn't want to break up with him but i figured he wanted to seeing as he just kept pushing me away. He even told me when we first started going out that he hated breaking up with poeple. So, i figured, i'd do it... I've been okay today...Not great but okay. haven't been able to hold any food down so far but it's getting better. I love him and i feel like i've lost a huge part of me, a huge part of my life. But God is good, and things happen for a reason. So, i guess, i'll stay strong and see how it goes from here...