Friday, July 27, 2007


My patience, my endurance, and my overall emotional strength has really been tested this last month. Between Matt, my grandmothers, college, my mother, addictions, and summer plans and i am just exhausted. This past month has stretched me quite thin and i'm starting to show the ware. I'm trying, i'm really trying, to keep my head baove the water but sometimes i just would rather sink. God has continued to keep me safe and still has blessed me with so many things but i just feel like i'm going to sink. I can't even begin to explain all that has been going on. It's been like one giant nightmare and just like anightmare it has been difficult to recall even the smallest details. I mean, it hasn't all been horrible but it seems like the difficult parts are starting to overshadow the good aspects of it all.
Yesterday i had my orientation for Fresno State. It was a really cool trip and i loved the ag department. I was so stoked for fresno state and was pretty cheery. Well, i got home around 5:30. I went upstairs to get ready for the luau that the youth group was having over at Chris' house when my dad called me downstairs. He informed me that my grandmother (meemaw as i always called her) had passed away around 5 o'clock that evening. He didn't want to tell me while i was driving so he thought it would be best to inform me when i got home. Well, i left the house to go chill with Ryan for a bit at the MP and then went to Chris' till about 1am. I really still haven't let it hit me and i really don't want it to. I really don't want to deal with it. I really don't want to deal with anything. I have fought so hard to be happy, i have fought so hard to be strong and to be okay and to not fall apart. I really don't want to lose all that i've worked for but i am. Shit, it really fucking sucks. It really really sucks. I'm so fucking lost and i'm so fucking tired and i just feel so defeated. It's like i'm optimistic based on nothing. It's like i have no ground to stand on, nothing to lean on. Fuck i wish this nightmare could jsut end, i really do.

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