Thursday, May 31, 2007

Class of 2007

I graduated last night, yaya! It was definitely pretty awesome...Eventhough i feel some people bailed on me for the ceremony, i felt blessed to have the support of those who did come. It was a pretty amazing moment and something that i will never forget. It feels kind of weird now. I mean, high school has almost defined you for the past four years and through all of your schooling graduating from High School was your major goal. Well, i did it. What now? lol. It's hard to explain how it feels, it's just something different. We're really adults now, we're really going to be out in the world. Some of us are going to college, and some of us are joining the work force. Either way, we still have so much ahead of us, so much learning to do. I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to see what God is going to do in my life and how he will shape me. I'm excited for college, for a new experience, for some freedom, and yes, more responsibility. It's like, in one night, i grew up. I have only this summer left for childhood and then i'm an adult. Responsibe for myself and all of my actions. It's pretty cool. So, congrats class of 2007, we did it!

Monday, May 28, 2007

New Beginning

Hmm....So, i'm out of High School and officially and i graduate on Wednesday...I'm excited but i gotta admit i'm pretty scared. I mean, i've never actually been on my own before to make my own decisions. I hate to say it, but my dad has always been there to bail me out of tight spots but now its all on me. I mean, i'm sure i'll be okay, but i don't want that. I want to be more than just okay. I guess it's just the perfectionist in me comeing out but i don't want to mediocre. I don't want to be "average". I want to maintain the lifestyle i'm living now but that's basically impossible on a college student budget, and i'm not a gambler so that's out :). I guess that's what im really scared about; failure, poverty, change.... I really don't like change, i'm not good at stepping out of my comfort zone, ask anyuone who really knows me. Luckily, Fresno State has weekly on Campus Bible Studies, so hopefully my faith will calm my nerves quite a bit.
I'm also going to miss so much. I mean, i dont love Bakersfield but i have had some pretty good memories here and there are a lot of great people that i've grown close to in the past year. I'm going to miss Journey like no other, just the High School gatherings have been a blast and have definitely helped me to have much stronger faith in God. I will also miss DIVE like no other. I truly feel blessed that the Champions have opened their home to a group of High Schoolers to help us in our Journey with God. I have definitely learned a lot from them, from our group talks. Of course, i will definitely miss the long prayer seesions. :) It's like group therapy and prayer all in one, we've had a lot of great talks and i think all of use have grown closer because of it.
It's like, in moving to Fresno, i'm starting fresh, again....Kind of scary but kind of cool all at the same time. I've had so many fond memories in this crazy place and i will miss them all....
And, no, if your reading this, i didn't forget about you Matt. You have my heart and so my heart will rest in Bakersfield for as long as you live here. I love you and i will miss you so incredibly much. No worries, i'll be home on weekends and as often as i can. I love you, don't forget that when i'm gone.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Just like i said, deadbeat mother...

So, my mother called around 7:45 this morning (while i was in school). I know she purposely called while i was in school so she wouldn't have to actually speak with me, so she could just leave a voiccemail. Well, in her voicemail she said that she decided she wasn't going to come to graduation afterall. She said there was too much going on, she can't find anyone to watch Jodie (eventhough the original plan was to to bring Jodie with her), and there was just too much to do so she couldn't make it to my graduation. She made it to my brother's graduation but i guess mine just isn't important enough. Honestly, this really hurts me. It's really going to hurt when i walk across stage and she isn't in the audience to support me. Personally, i think that's really messed up. This is the most important event in my life up to this point and she doesn't get that. I got my hopes up thinking that for once she could put her selfish-ness aside but i guess that i was wrong. I just think it's really fucked up and, honestly, it makes me so disgusted with her. I really don't want to talk to her anymore, it's not worth it. All she does is put me down, talk shit, and get pissy for no damn reason. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of all her shit. I just don't want to deal with her anymore and that's sad. I feel bad for my younger siblings but i just can't handle my mother. My grandmother is dying and i might not even be able to amek a trip because of my mother. Ugh. Why the fuck does she have to be such a bitch? I just really don't get it. What in the world would make any mother treat their daughter like she has treated me for over 17 years? I just don't get it. Aren't mothers the ones who are suppose to have unconditional love and this "bind" with their kids? Psh, my mother feels absolutely nothing for me. In fact, i really think she just hates me. It's like i'm just a big waste of her time, so fuck it. Fuck her and fuck all of her bullshit. I really am not going to put up with this anymore, i can't afford to. She's fuckin' damaged my mental health enough and i'm not going to let her play those emotional games with me anymore. Yeah, it hurts, it really fucking hurts. Its like the one thing in my life that no matter how hard i try i just can't improve the situation. It just gets worse and worse. Ugh, i really can't express how i feel about it accurately because i'm just so hurt and angry. I just don't get my mother. I really wish that i didn't have to deal with her at all and, honestly, i really don't think i will anymore...

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


I swear i have some of my mother's manic tendencies and i absolutely despise that. It's like a relapse...all is good and then you feel as though you're kinda getting this "wild streak" i guess you could call it. It's hard to explain but i'll try. It's like your sooo anxious about something but you feel numb at the same time. It's like you have to do something absolutely nuts to satisfy the feeling, like a piercing done by yourself, cutting your hair off, or sneaking out and and getting drunk in the middle of nowhere while chain smoking like a mother fucker. It's like a relapse. You try so hard to do well, stay on the right track and then it's like terets, instead of a twitch you get high, and fry your brains out. It's so damn rediculous and i really don't understand it...It's like you're trying to tame something, repress something, but every once in a while it rushes to the surface until you quench it's thirst. It sucks :(. It's one of those moments when i feel that i absolutely have no will power, like i'm just destined to be some manic, roller-coaster, freak. God give me peace, is all i can pray over and over and over....I just hate this feeling. I feel trapped, like a caged animal. I need to get out, i need to do something, something that will make me feel alive; like getting a tattoo or skydiving (of course things that i can't legally do, yet). So, it's like a momentary relapse, a night of going back to the old days where everything sucked but i was definitely alive and feeling it, a lot of hurt, but feeling something. This cycle sucks, and i just don't get it....

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Deadbeat Mother

So, i called my mother last night because i was unable to get a hold of her all week. She seemed pissy right from the moment she picked up the phone (drunk, as usual, probably). I asked her about graduation because i still didn't know if she was coming or not. She kinda beated around the bush for a bit and went off topic talking bout the horses then came back on topic towards the end of the conversation. According to her, so much is going on she just doesn't know. She asked if i would like her there and of course i said yes. We have never had a great relationship but it's still really important to me for her to be there. Apparantly, she doesn't see this. She said she'll go if she can fit it into her "hectic" schedule. So, i got off the phone with her a little later and and was a lil upset but i shook it off. Then, she calls me twice, i didn't answer either of the times but i definitely didn't like the voicemails she left me (in fact, they're still saved onto my phone). In the first one, she sounded pissed, like she had been dwelling on the concept. She said she didn't want any graduation tickets, apparantly me and Donna don't want her there anyways (what the fuck? i probly said 3 times that i would like her there) and she was tired of playing games with us (what games?). So, at the end she said, and i quote "just go graduate". Ouch. Her second message was about how her side of the family didn't get graduation anouncements but she's sure that my side did. my side? I don't have a side, her side and dad's side are both my sides. Anyways, she came to a complete wrong conclusion. No one recieved graduation anouncements because i didn't order any! So, after that horrible message i was in tears. Probably the first time i have ever let tears run down my face in front of matt (or anyone in over a few years for that matter). Yeah, that's how much it hurt. I'm just tired of her being so selfish. It's my graduation, and it's really important to me, but apparantly not her and that really hurts. She made it to Bryan's but i guess i'm just a different story. I just wish for once that she could do something to make someone else happy but herself. I know, as a christian, i am suppose to forgive but if she doesn't come to graduation it will take me almost an eternity to forgive her. She's never made it to anything that was important to me that didn't benefit herself. I hate her selfishness. I hope she realizes the consequences of her actions one day because i won't be by her side on her death bed, she has never been there for me and this just sums everything up. I'm tired of her dramatics, i don't want her in my life anymore.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

"Conflict Mediation"

So, tomorrow i have to go in for what the school calls "Conflict Mediation". Basically, me and this girl got into it in first period. Yeah. We both agree to disagree, we have pretty much hated eachother for two years but Mrs. Alburger thought that this morning got out of hand i guess.
Basically, i walked into class this morning and a few minutes in to it Mrs. Alburger makes a comment on my dress. She goes, "that's a pretty dress but it looks like its too low cut for school". Of course, me neing me, i say "No, it isn't too low cut for school". Then, the bitch has to open her fat mouth and say "Yeah, it is. It shows wayyy too much."
So, i say, "Psh, not compared to some of the outfits you wear" (something along those lines, i'm not good at quoting). It goes on from there, she calls me a bitch and then that's when it really goes off. Then, mrs. alburger states that she wants us to stop arguing because she doesn't want to have to bet on who will win in a fight. SO, of course, that splits the class up and gets them involved making bets. It just adds to the whole situation. Once Mrs. Alburger gets tired of this she E-Mails the dean for a conflict mediation.
That means, that tomorrow morning two of out "peers" (sthuper stheniors as i call them) will pull us out of class. We will sit across from eachother at the table and we will only be allowed to speak to our mediators not eachother. Sounds like pre-school. Whatever, it's better than the alternative: going to the dean and getting suspended. So, ya, tomorrow should be fun. Woohoo Conflict Mediation! (NOT!)

Sunday, May 13, 2007


I really wish that i could just speak. Just get it out right then and there and not hold it all in. But, when the moment comes to say something it's like my tongue is tied in knots and my mouth is sewn shut. I just can't say anything. It's so damn stupid. I could have everything i want/need to say all in my head and all i would have to do is vocalize it, not even think, but i can't. It's so dumb that i can't vocally say one damn thing when i'm upset but i can pour my heart and soul out everytime i write. I just don't get it! I try, i really do try. I told myself to speak over and over again tonight but all i could do was stare. and, no, that wasn't the "whatever" face, that was me feeling disappointed because i couldn't say anything. I don't know what it is, its just like something is stoppi8ng me from speaking. I hate it, i absolutely hate it. For 45 minutes i went over everything in my head and wanted to turn around so badly and tell him, tell him everything but i couldn't, i really couldn't. All i could do was lay there like a sack of potatoes, keeping everything in, trying not to cry...I think that's part of it. I'm afraid to speak because i know i'll cry, shit, i cried without even speaking! And, what's the point of speaking when everything is just going to come out messed up and stammering and nothing will be heard? Plus, i do not cry. No, not me, not in front of people at least. To see me cry is a very rare thing so i hold everything in just so i won't, including my words. I wish i didn't, i really do, but it just seems like habit now. Like, even if i really wanted to, i cannot say want i want to say. Shit, i can write it down a million times but i will never be able to vocalize it. I hate it, it sucks, and it just doesn't hurt me either. I wish, i really do wish, that i could tell them, vocalize why i can't speak but that doesn't work either. It makes me hate myself so much, it makes it so painful when all i can do is sit there and stare at someone and not be able to speak one word to someone and then lay there in silence because i can't work up the courage to talk to them. My mind is racing with so many words but my mouth won't open. All i want to do is simply speak.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Fender Bender...

Yup, that's right, today i got in my first (and hopefully last) fender bender. Yes, it was completely and utterly my fault. Here's what happened: I was traveling down rosedale to get to my boyfriend's house (past the Gosford before the 99). I was kinda out in the boonies (right about at Renfro, i believe). This older truck pulls out of a place by the bar and i thought he was going to merge in front of me so i kept my eye on him. Turns out he didn't and i glanced back just to make sure everything was good. When i looked in front of me i saw breaklights and a red stoplight. Shit. I slammed on my brakes as hard as possible (thank god for anti-lock) but i still managed to hit the vehicle in front of me. Thank god she was in a Tahoe with a 3-inch lift because my bumper hit her hitch and there was absolutely no damage to her car. Her boyfriend still wanted to exchange information and so we did. My bumper is dented a few inches, not bad, but enough to have to buy a new one out of my pocket.
Luckily, everyone was absolutely fine. I was quite shaken up because of the adrenaline and cried about 25 minutes later when my adrenaline died out but everything is good...besides how empty my bank account is gonna seem after this :( .
So, my first fender bender...ugh...I was so paranoid driving home tonight, i braked twice as early as usual and my heart raced every time someone's brake lights went on, lol. I just thank God that no one was injured. It could have been much worse so i feel blessed that the other car had no damage and mine is minimal...Damn, and all after i just had the thing cleaned and an oil change...Oh well, life happens...

Thursday, May 10, 2007


I wish i was much better at conveying my feelings than i really am...I'm just so used to being closed in my life that when i want to scream all i am capable of doing is muttering to myself. I just wish i could express myself to other people better, communicate with other poeple better. Hell, i have no problem talking but i have a problem saying what i really feel.
It's kind of like i expect everyone to be a psychic and guess. Obviously, the majority of the time, no one can guess what s wrong and half of them don't even have a clue that anything is going on. No, i don't blame them, i balme me. Afterall, it's my problem to tell them what's going on with me.
Lately, i've just really and wanted a shoulder to lean on but, of course, i've never said that until now. I'm just so stressed and worried and anxious. It's like my whole world could fall right in front of me but there would be no person to just lean up against and cry.
I'm just so worried about losing my grandmothers. I don't convey it, i act strong because i have to but it really tears me up inside. Memaw has cancer, everyone should know about that by now, and her time is so limited. I mean, she could get the flu or just a cold and her body wouldn't be strong enough to fight it off. She isn't even strong enough to make it to my graduation, to see her granddaughter graduate. No, i'm not trying to get sympathy i just want at least one person to understand.
I've always played the tough girl, you know, the one who would never crack under pressure. The one who you won't see cry any tears. I've just learned to tough everything out but in this situation i can't do that. I can't watch Memaw die and just say, "oh, well, I'm okay, death happens". Yeah, it happens but i don't want her to leave. And, no, i won't be simply "okay" when it does happen.
And, when it doea happen, who do i have to turn to to help comfort me? I know God is there but i need someone to hold me, someone who can just love me and help make it all better and i'm really scared that when the time comes i won't have that. Having to deal with her death by myself may just be unbearable for me.
Then, you have my other grandmother, who raised the very girl who is typing this. No, she doesn't have a death sentence but she is old. her body grows weaker and she has congestive heart failure. She has been put on an oxygen tank because fluid builds up in her heart, making it hard for her to catch a breath. I'm just so overwhelmed with fear by this. She is my rock, she is everything to me and i have always dreaded her passing since i was little. She just has so much importance in my life it's hard to imagine her getting older, weaker, more fragile. It's scary to hear my fiery red-headed grandma to admit that she is old and she just isn't the way she used to be. I fear her death more than anything, wihtout her, my rock, my shoulder, my heart will be gone. It'll be like a giant piece of me is getting thrown into that grave with her, and i will never get it back.
And, it seems, like i've tried to convey these feelings to someone, this news to someone, but i feel as thoughthey tune me out, like there's something just more important they're paying attention to. That, or the subject will get quickly changed like i never said anything at all. Like the word "death" was never spoken by these lips. It's just, he's suppose to be my shoulder, my rock, but lately it feels like he doesn't have time. Like something else is taking his attention and, of course, i never have the courage to confront him straight on. I just wish he could hear me, i just wish that he could understand what my heart is going through, what my mind is battling. I need that shoulder more than ever now, i'll need that shoulder more than ever in the coming months, but i feel as though when i try to lean on it, it turns into sand...

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Live Before You Die...

Today I found out some pretty sad news...Eventhough i didn't know these people personally i knew how it would affect their families and loved ones...
The first today was the death of Nicky's father. I'm not close to Nicky but i have known her for two years and i can only imagine the pain that she is going through. He died Monday night as a result of a semi running an intersection that killed 2 people, including him.
The second was the death of a woman by the name Victoria. I know of her because o fthe simple fact that she worked at Mortgage Tree Lending right next to my office. I had followed her story a bit and even bought the "Battle Brigade" bracelets to help support Victoria. VIctoria was another victim of cancer and it took her life this morning after a long battle.
I just pray for peace over these two families.
It just seems like there are too many deaths in the world, especially from something such as cancer. It really makes me value my life and every moment that i have on this Earth. I also wondered if these two families know God, if these two people Knew God. It just makes me value the importance of scripture and teaching.
My own grandmother is battling cancer. It started in the lungs and has now spread to the brain. She's only 68 years old. To me, that doesn't seem old at all and it's scary knowing that i will lose her possibly by the end of this summer. I've heard Memaw (my grandma) talk about God a few times but i really do wonder if she truly believes. I plan to see her soon and i plan to ask her this exact question. If there's just one thing i can help my grandma with in this life, it would be helping her to see the way. Even when we lose her in the physical sense i want to know that her soul is saved because i truly want to see her in heaven when i get there.
It seems like the older you get the more aware of death you become. The more personal it becomes to you and it makes you realize what you have today, what you hvae NOW. Everything can be taken away in a second and, honestly, i fear that. I don't fear death, i fear life. I fear that i have so much to do that i want to cram in such a little amount of time.
When the doctor gave Memaw her "death sentence" of approximately seven months my mind started to race. I am not as close to her as my other grandma but i love her all the same. I'll miss her all the same and i don't want her to leave this world without knowing that. Know, more than ever, is the time to make those trips that i have felt i needed to postpone. Now, more than ever, is the time to re-connect with her, to let her know that her granddaughter will miss her and i will pray for her during these difficult months. Seeing as she lives in Red Rock, Nevada distance has always seemed like such a problem but now it's not. I plan on visiting her soon, and often. Afterall, she's gotta live before she dies and i know her and i have a lot of living to do together....

Tuesday, May 8, 2007


My life before Him seems like so long ago...I re-started my Journey only about a year ago and yet my faith is so much stronger than it has ever been. It's a hard feeling to describe, it's just like a big relief. A giant weight has been lifted from my chest and i feel so free. I know that God is with me, he always has been, i was just too blind to see that. Through the Oaks community church (especially thanks to the champions and Danny) i have re-opened my eyes and soul to the Lord. The love that i feel, and the connection that I feel in my heart is almost overwhelming...
Recently (last night), we watched a Nooma video called "Trees". I got quite a bit out of it, expecially the discussion that followed. It was all about life, our lives, and why we are here. Many people say were here just to wait until that day comes, until we are reunited with our Father but then what woul d be the purpose of life? What does God want for us, did he intend for life to be this way? In someway yes, but in some way (due to free will), no. So, then, what is God's intention now?... It was like I had a sudden revelation during DIVE: God's intention now is to use those of us that are believers to preach to those who are not. Then, hopefully, by the time everything falls and the world comes to an end, the amount of believers would be overwhleming (wouldn't it be great if everyone was a believer?). That is God's ultimate GOAL for us, he want sus to preach, to help open the eyes of non-believers and turn them towards God.
It was really an amazing thought for me. I got so much out of it and life just seems that much more purposeful. I want to be an instument of God, i want him to use me to gather people to him so that they may feel what i feel. So that they may realize that they are breathing His breathe and they are living among His creations. No, preaching his qord definitely won't be easy. People feel threatened when they hear the word God, and that is the hardest part. People's hearts close when you try to tell them about him and how amazing he is. I just pray that God will give me the strength to preach, to bring non-believers to Him. I just pray that he helps open up the hearts of my loved ones so that they may better understand WHY i feel it is so important to believe.
God has really changed me in the past few months, but for the better. I am the same me, just better. I am a follower of Jesus Christ, i am a beleiver... So here's to the new blog and to living my life between the trees....