Speak...

I really wish that i could just speak. Just get it out right then and there and not hold it all in. But, when the moment comes to say something it's like my tongue is tied in knots and my mouth is sewn shut. I just can't say anything. It's so damn stupid. I could have everything i want/need to say all in my head and all i would have to do is vocalize it, not even think, but i can't. It's so dumb that i can't vocally say one damn thing when i'm upset but i can pour my heart and soul out everytime i write. I just don't get it! I try, i really do try. I told myself to speak over and over again tonight but all i could do was stare. and, no, that wasn't the "whatever" face, that was me feeling disappointed because i couldn't say anything. I don't know what it is, its just like something is stoppi8ng me from speaking. I hate it, i absolutely hate it. For 45 minutes i went over everything in my head and wanted to turn around so badly and tell him, tell him everything but i couldn't, i really couldn't. All i could do was lay there like a sack of potatoes, keeping everything in, trying not to cry...I think that's part of it. I'm afraid to speak because i know i'll cry, shit, i cried without even speaking! And, what's the point of speaking when everything is just going to come out messed up and stammering and nothing will be heard? Plus, i do not cry. No, not me, not in front of people at least. To see me cry is a very rare thing so i hold everything in just so i won't, including my words. I wish i didn't, i really do, but it just seems like habit now. Like, even if i really wanted to, i cannot say want i want to say. Shit, i can write it down a million times but i will never be able to vocalize it. I hate it, it sucks, and it just doesn't hurt me either. I wish, i really do wish, that i could tell them, vocalize why i can't speak but that doesn't work either. It makes me hate myself so much, it makes it so painful when all i can do is sit there and stare at someone and not be able to speak one word to someone and then lay there in silence because i can't work up the courage to talk to them. My mind is racing with so many words but my mouth won't open. All i want to do is simply speak.