Saturday, May 19, 2007
So, i called my mother last night because i was unable to get a hold of her all week. She seemed pissy right from the moment she picked up the phone (drunk, as usual, probably). I asked her about graduation because i still didn't know if she was coming or not. She kinda beated around the bush for a bit and went off topic talking bout the horses then came back on topic towards the end of the conversation. According to her, so much is going on she just doesn't know. She asked if i would like her there and of course i said yes. We have never had a great relationship but it's still really important to me for her to be there. Apparantly, she doesn't see this. She said she'll go if she can fit it into her "hectic" schedule. So, i got off the phone with her a little later and and was a lil upset but i shook it off. Then, she calls me twice, i didn't answer either of the times but i definitely didn't like the voicemails she left me (in fact, they're still saved onto my phone). In the first one, she sounded pissed, like she had been dwelling on the concept. She said she didn't want any graduation tickets, apparantly me and Donna don't want her there anyways (what the fuck? i probly said 3 times that i would like her there) and she was tired of playing games with us (what games?). So, at the end she said, and i quote "just go graduate". Ouch. Her second message was about how her side of the family didn't get graduation anouncements but she's sure that my side did. my side? I don't have a side, her side and dad's side are both my sides. Anyways, she came to a complete wrong conclusion. No one recieved graduation anouncements because i didn't order any! So, after that horrible message i was in tears. Probably the first time i have ever let tears run down my face in front of matt (or anyone in over a few years for that matter). Yeah, that's how much it hurt. I'm just tired of her being so selfish. It's my graduation, and it's really important to me, but apparantly not her and that really hurts. She made it to Bryan's but i guess i'm just a different story. I just wish for once that she could do something to make someone else happy but herself. I know, as a christian, i am suppose to forgive but if she doesn't come to graduation it will take me almost an eternity to forgive her. She's never made it to anything that was important to me that didn't benefit herself. I hate her selfishness. I hope she realizes the consequences of her actions one day because i won't be by her side on her death bed, she has never been there for me and this just sums everything up. I'm tired of her dramatics, i don't want her in my life anymore.