I wish i was much better at conveying my feelings than i really am...I'm just so used to being closed in my life that when i want to scream all i am capable of doing is muttering to myself. I just wish i could express myself to other people better, communicate with other poeple better. Hell, i have no problem talking but i have a problem saying what i really feel.
It's kind of like i expect everyone to be a psychic and guess. Obviously, the majority of the time, no one can guess what s wrong and half of them don't even have a clue that anything is going on. No, i don't blame them, i balme me. Afterall, it's my problem to tell them what's going on with me.
Lately, i've just really and wanted a shoulder to lean on but, of course, i've never said that until now. I'm just so stressed and worried and anxious. It's like my whole world could fall right in front of me but there would be no person to just lean up against and cry.
I'm just so worried about losing my grandmothers. I don't convey it, i act strong because i have to but it really tears me up inside. Memaw has cancer, everyone should know about that by now, and her time is so limited. I mean, she could get the flu or just a cold and her body wouldn't be strong enough to fight it off. She isn't even strong enough to make it to my graduation, to see her granddaughter graduate. No, i'm not trying to get sympathy i just want at least one person to understand.
I've always played the tough girl, you know, the one who would never crack under pressure. The one who you won't see cry any tears. I've just learned to tough everything out but in this situation i can't do that. I can't watch Memaw die and just say, "oh, well, I'm okay, death happens". Yeah, it happens but i don't want her to leave. And, no, i won't be simply "okay" when it does happen.
And, when it doea happen, who do i have to turn to to help comfort me? I know God is there but i need someone to hold me, someone who can just love me and help make it all better and i'm really scared that when the time comes i won't have that. Having to deal with her death by myself may just be unbearable for me.
Then, you have my other grandmother, who raised the very girl who is typing this. No, she doesn't have a death sentence but she is old. her body grows weaker and she has congestive heart failure. She has been put on an oxygen tank because fluid builds up in her heart, making it hard for her to catch a breath. I'm just so overwhelmed with fear by this. She is my rock, she is everything to me and i have always dreaded her passing since i was little. She just has so much importance in my life it's hard to imagine her getting older, weaker, more fragile. It's scary to hear my fiery red-headed grandma to admit that she is old and she just isn't the way she used to be. I fear her death more than anything, wihtout her, my rock, my shoulder, my heart will be gone. It'll be like a giant piece of me is getting thrown into that grave with her, and i will never get it back.
And, it seems, like i've tried to convey these feelings to someone, this news to someone, but i feel as thoughthey tune me out, like there's something just more important they're paying attention to. That, or the subject will get quickly changed like i never said anything at all. Like the word "death" was never spoken by these lips. It's just, he's suppose to be my shoulder, my rock, but lately it feels like he doesn't have time. Like something else is taking his attention and, of course, i never have the courage to confront him straight on. I just wish he could hear me, i just wish that he could understand what my heart is going through, what my mind is battling. I need that shoulder more than ever now, i'll need that shoulder more than ever in the coming months, but i feel as though when i try to lean on it, it turns into sand...