Relapse

I swear i have some of my mother's manic tendencies and i absolutely despise that. It's like a relapse...all is good and then you feel as though you're kinda getting this "wild streak" i guess you could call it. It's hard to explain but i'll try. It's like your sooo anxious about something but you feel numb at the same time. It's like you have to do something absolutely nuts to satisfy the feeling, like a piercing done by yourself, cutting your hair off, or sneaking out and and getting drunk in the middle of nowhere while chain smoking like a mother fucker. It's like a relapse. You try so hard to do well, stay on the right track and then it's like terets, instead of a twitch you get high, and fry your brains out. It's so damn rediculous and i really don't understand it...It's like you're trying to tame something, repress something, but every once in a while it rushes to the surface until you quench it's thirst. It sucks :(. It's one of those moments when i feel that i absolutely have no will power, like i'm just destined to be some manic, roller-coaster, freak. God give me peace, is all i can pray over and over and over....I just hate this feeling. I feel trapped, like a caged animal. I need to get out, i need to do something, something that will make me feel alive; like getting a tattoo or skydiving (of course things that i can't legally do, yet). So, it's like a momentary relapse, a night of going back to the old days where everything sucked but i was definitely alive and feeling it, a lot of hurt, but feeling something. This cycle sucks, and i just don't get it....