Monday, December 31, 2007

Ow and Wow

So, I actually have two pretty important updates. One is pretty amazing and the other is, well, heart-breaking to me I guess you can say. Yet, these polar opposite updates actually sort of link together in the end, you’ll see…
I won’t beat around the bush here, I’ll just get straight to the point: Steve and I have decided that it is best if we are apart…aka…we have broken up. Believe it or not, it was actually a mutual decision. He broke the news first (sent me a message while I was driving back to bako) but I actually agreed with him. Don’t get me wrong, I love the man more than anything but I really think we just went way too fast. I mean, he was practically living in the dorms with me before we were officially dating. Also, I’ve been having an extremely tough time lately and unfortunately I have had a tendency to take that out on Steve, which isn’t fair to him whatsoever. So, staying on the positive side of things, this will be a good move. I will be going back to the dorms and putting my studies and God as my main focus. If me and Steve are able to give it another chance, Awesome. If not, well, it’s something that I will just have to deal with. For now, space is good for me. I need to handle some things on my own and fix myself before I am able to dedicate my attention to a significant other. I’m not “joyous” about the decision, and I do feel heart-broken, but I know that it’s the right thing to do for now. Things always work themselves out in the end, I’m just wondering what that end will be.
Now, on to the better update. I went to Westbrook (spelling?) tonight to attend worship. Apparently, every Sunday evening at Westbrook, there is live Christian music followed by a sermon. It’s kind of a youth thing but I guess everyone is invited. Anyways, I realized the void that I have been feeling for a few weeks now. God really put his hand on me and spoke to me during worship. It’s kind of hard to explain in writing but I’ll try my best. It’s like God was telling me to just let go. Let go of all the grudges I hold, let go of all my bitterness and pain and just trust Him. All this time, I had been carrying an insecurity, a bitterness towards Steve and Cat’s relationship and I hadn’t been able to let that go until God showed me (I wish he would have shown me a little sooner and some things may have ended up differently but everything is in God’s time). Along with the grudge I had been holding against Steve, I had been harboring a pain in my heart from the loss of my grandmother and a growing attraction to the physically painful addiction that I have gone so long without. God spoke to me and I listened. He said I am human, and I have sins, but that is why he sent his son down to Earth; so that my sins may be forgiven and forgotten. God said that I must do that as well; forgive and forget. I completely forgive Steve now, whereas I just said it was okay but kept it inside. As for my grandmother, God took that pain from my heart and replaced it with peace and love. He showed me that her death was not an end, but a beginning for me and a motivation to keep her proud of me. God also put his hand upon my addiction, letting me know that instead harboring my emotional pain and turning it into physical pain, I shall give him my emotional pain and he can turn it into something beautiful: a learning experience. I have never felt such a presence from God.
So, here’s where everything ties in: A big part (if maybe not all) of me and Steve’s problem was my stubbornness and my unwillingness to let past events go. I held a grudge, bitterness, and jealousy. An addiction, and a pain in my heart that I thought I could handle all the on my own but the truth is I simply can’t. All these voids, sins, have been filled by God’s amazing grace and I truly feel blessed (and also stupid that I hadn’t listened close enough before) that God has forgiven me and that he has also given me the power to forgive and forget. I am finally at peace (not saying that I’m not feeling hurt by the break up) and I feel that I can face my personal life and take responsibility. Quite frankly, I needed to grow up and let the little things go. God showed me how this evening and what an amazing feeling this is; to be able to forgive every grudge I still hold. From the issues I had with Steve and Cat talking to even the years of built up issues from my mom. I HUGE weight has been lifted off my chest and I feel like the old me again. I’m ready to be spontaneous and fun loving. I’m ready to take my freedom responsibly and let others enjoy theirs. My God is an AMAZING God and he taught me such valuable, life-long lesson, that I will never forget. I’m not saying that I will instantly be able to forgive, or easily resist addiction but I know that with God on my side I have already won the battle. I just need to keep believing in myself and enjoy this beautiful life that I am most certainly blessed with. I honestly feel like a new person. Like the old Brooke, but better. I feel just a little wiser and a little more mature and I feel that the void that I have been feeling has just been filled with God’s grace and my forgiveness.
So, yeah, that’s my update. From heartbreak to God, from feeling lost to feeling renewed by the Holy Spirit. Every day is a blessing, and so is every experience. In just 2 hours, I feel like I have finally conquered something that I have battling for years. I feel that I am finally at peace and I that I finally (after years of struggling) love myself and love who I have become. So, here is to my beginning, my new outlook, and my new ability to love others without holding a past grudge. Thank you Heavenly Father!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Just Stuck

Basically, my life has been a roller coaster lately. WAY too many ups and downs and not enough consistency. It's been way to much it seems. I guess what I'm trying to say is that i just don't feel happy anymore and i really don't understand why. There's just a giant void, and it seems to get bigger and bigger. I need something but nothing or no one seems to be able to give me what I need. I've been praying to God, hoping that he'll point me in some sort of direction but i know that everything is done in his time and it looks like I'm going to have to wait. Well, i thought i would have had more to write but it looks like I've run out of thoughts. Like, everything is just sort of stuck. Guess my writing is truly reflecting my feelings. If i think of anything else, I'll write more....

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Bonding and Letting Go...

Yesterday I decided to make a trip to Madera to take my Grandpa out to lunch. I love him, but I've never been really close to him so I thought, seeing as we both miss Grandma so much, now would be a good time to bond. We went to Sal's Mexican Restuarant, one of Grandpa's favorite. Him and Grandma used to go there every week, or just about. It was really nice to spend time with him. He was waiting for me in the lobby of the retirement center and he looked so excited that he was going to go somewhere with his granddaughter. It was really a great bonding time, and I never knew Grandpa could talk so much! Towards the end of dinner, an elderly lady walked up to us and commented on our relationship. Grandpa points to me and says, "That's my granddaughter." He just looked so happy, and so proud. At the end of the night, i dropped grandpa back off at the retirement home. You could tell that the dinner really made his night, and i as really proud to be HIS granddaughter. I really would like to take him out to dinner more often...
With that said, today is a sad day. December 18th, 2007, Grandma's 87th birthday. Well, it would be if she was still with us. I really wanted to bring flowers to her grave, but the weather has been horrible and I don't really feel comfortable driving on the highway in this weather. I just might later on tonight anyways. I miss her so much. Donna told me a story about a woman who had lost a child (not the same thing as a grandmother, but still the same concept. She lost someone very close to her). The first holiday without her child was hard for the woman, but she made it through to the next year. The next year was hard as well, but she was a little more used to her child not being there. I guess the point is, losing someone that close to you is hard, and you'll always miss them. But as each year passes, you'll get used to them not being around and, eventually, it won't hurt as bad. What Donna told me really wasn't that comforting watsoever but i guess it's true that the truth can hurt. I'll miss her: on holidys, birthdays, and every day in between. Some days wll be worse than others but over time I'll get used to her not being here. Sometimes I think she's still with me, just a phone call away like she used to be. Now, she's just a prayer away and I trust that God is taking care of his loyal servant. So, Happy Birthday Grandma. I hope Heaven is throwing a party just for you. And don't worry, we'll have some champaigne for you down here :)

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Take A Closer Look

Since I've moved to Fresno for college, i feel like i have grown away from God, like I'm not as close to him as i used to be. I recognized this and it made me feel horrible. God has never turned hs back on me bu it feels like I've turned my back on him by not making time to talk to God and to trust God. I've been wanting to take control of everything, i haven't let God handle anything. So, when i was in Bakersfield one weekend, i decided to go to Borders, I was looking for a book, something to help guide me, to help me study God's word and be closer to him. Well, what I found was Take a Closer Look for Women by Jan Kern. It's basically about applying the God's word to your everyday life. One section really struck me, it seemed like i related so well to it with what has been going on lately. There was a prayer in there and it really affected me, "I am your daughter who longs to serve you. I trust your words. Do your work, for i have confidence that it is good." This really spoke volumes to me. I long to serve God, to serve him faithfully and without question. I want him to work in my life, to use me as a servant for Him and His kingdom. I need to trust God more and have confidence in him. Just stop everyday life. Instead of puttin' around on MySpace, talk to God, spend time with God. Trust Him, have confidence in Him. No matter what is on your shoulders, God will help carry it. I truly needed to be reminded of this message and seeing again just calms my soul.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Rocky Seas

So, lately things just haven't been, well, they just haven't been fun. It's been kind of a tough week for me, luckily i was able to come home to bako yesterday...
So, first off, with the holiday season coming up, i miss my grandmother more and more, both of them actually. No, i could care less about the checks or gifts i would normally receive, i care about the fact that this will be the first winter break without grandma Dorothy, and the first break without hearing from meemaw. It just sucks. I wouldn't think i would miss grandma Dorothy this much after over three months, but i do. In fact, I'm missing her more and more. For instance, I went with Steve the other day up to the casino. We passed by an intersection where me and my brother used to meet up with grandma just about every weekend. My eyes started to water and i felt like my heart was broken (how many times can a heart break before it stops working?). I had to turn my head for a second so Steve wouldn't notice. So, it's been hard, really hard, and there really hasn't been anyone there to help me through it. I think that's why i come home so much...
Secondly, Steve and I kind of had some problems. Earlier in the week, i found out that when me and Steve first began talking, but not technically dating i guess you could say, he was still with Cat. That really upset me seeing as i asked him over and over again if he had a girlfriend and he always confidently replied, "No." By lying, he basically showed that he had little or no respect for me and he lost my trust. With that being said, another issue comes up: Apparently him and Cat are talking like old buddies again. Normally, that wouldn't upset me, but given that they were together for five years and i have only been with him a short couple months, it really bothers me. I guess, when it all comes down to it, I'm just afraid of getting hurt again. I've been in this situation, I'm not an idiot, i just tend to keep my mouth shut. Steve and i talked about it and i guess we resolved it, but I'm still a little upset. I guess it's that I'm not quite ready for him to be conversing with her. It's just so easy to go back to an ex like Cat because they were together for so long and people like to go back to what they're used to. So, we talked about the issue, but i still have all my fears and my intuition is saying I'm going to get hurt, as usual. Steve really hasn't reassured me otherwise.
So, that's my week in a nutshell. I just pray for peace, over and over, because feeling this anxious and this tense makes me want to reverse back to old habits. This, to me, is really a trying time, like a test, to see if I've really cleaned up, if I'm really "okay". Sometimes i think God gives me too much to handle, but i know that he never will. I just really need my grandmother right now, but, by saying that, i realize that i always seem to need her. She was my guide, my angel, and now i feel lost. I'm glad that she is in heaven, with God, but sometimes i selfishly wish she was here, with me. So, if any of you are praying for me, pray for peace, wisdom, and understanding to help me through this time...

Saturday, December 1, 2007

A Little Upset

So, tonight my friend Amanda gives me a call and tells me that some of our friends are going to be at the fraternity house to just hang out and have some fun. So, i decided to go seeing as i wasn't at all sleepy (at 12:30am) and i haven't hung out with some of the boys in quite a while. I was really happy when i entered the house because it was kind of like old times: the boys, Amanda, the brothers, just chillin and having a great time. Then, i noticed Steve's ex was there, which was fine with me because i actually respect her as a person, seeing as she hasn't given me a reason not to. So, i went on like it was nothing and proceeded to chat with some of the boys. Then, i see one of the brothers walk up to me and i think, "Oh Shit". Yup, i knew what was coming: i had to leave the house because Steve's ex was there. I wasn't even there for five minutes, barely enough time to greet everyone and then say goodbye. It was actually quite embarrassing for me to have to show up and then suddenly leave without an explanation. What upsets me the most is that, as long as Steve's ex is at one of the fraternity kickbacks or parties (and she is friends with the majority of the brothers, so she has every right to be there) i can't go. That actually pisses me off because a lot of these boys are like my brothers, and i love every one of them. It just seems so damn childish. Steve and his ex broke up about three months ago and i still am not allowed to be anywhere she is. I mean, aren't we all adults here? Can't we act like it? I would never tell her that she wasn't allowed somewhere where i was (even at my own house) if she shared mutual friends. It just seems so unfair (yes, i know, life isn't fair). I was so excited to go hang out with all of the boys that i have missed so much but i was forced to leave so soon. Doesn't anyone else think this scenario is just rediculous? Or is it just me?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Bad Start to Yesterday...

So, yesterday morning I woke up at around 8am literally in tears. I had one of the worst dreams in my life and gave me the feeling of a heart-break. The dream was weird, as most dreams are. Me and my bro were at some sort of amusement park (Disneyland i thought at one point) and he was playing at a toy machine. There was a little fuzzy ball and the object of the game was to run into toys with the fuzzy ball and knock them down into a slot next to this big hole. If you got them in that slot, you won. While my bro was playing this game i all of a sudden found pictures in my hand. Most of them had one single woman in them, i recognized her in the dream but i can't remember her now. These pictures were fairly recent they seemed, some from halloween and some form a few days later. As i looked through them, i saw a few of them contained my grandmother. In every picture she was sobbing. Her eyes would be red and puffy with tears streaming down or her eyes would be shut with her mouth open as if she were sobbing and screaming something. I began to cry in my dream while my brother was telling me to shut-up. Then i woke up, and really began crying. I even woke Steve to help comfort me. I don't know what it was about the dream, but it really hurt me. I have never felt so much emotional hurt except when my grandma actually passed. It really offset my whole day yesterday and it is still affecting me now. It's like it's haunting me. I have never seen my grandmother cry, even when she was on her deathbed but in those pictures she looked so sad and hurt. Maybe she misses all of us? I just don't understand the dream, it was just really cruel and unnecessary. I mean, coping with her death has been enough, i don't want to dream about it too.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

School, Justa, the usual...

Wow, well, i haven't updated in a bit. I've been quite busy actually. Pretty shocking huh?
Well, school is going okay i guess you could say. I'm a lil panicked at the moment seeing as i have quite a few projects piled on top of each other but no biggie.
Justa is the same ol' Justa. She looked really good yesterday, the weather change hasn't been too harsh on her (knock on wood).
Another home game is this weekend and my parents are coming up (yay!). Then, the weekend after this one, it's off to my mom's house with Steve. That should be a trip nothing short of interesting.
Anyways, on to what I was going to write about: Steve got an apartment, finally! lol. He has two roomies (well, that pay rent at least): Mantor (who is a hilarious guy) and Ryan (who is also pretty damn funny). So, the three of them have an apartment but it's more like 5 people when you include me and Ryan's girlfriends; Audra. It's a pretty nice apartment: 3 bedroom, 2 bath. It was a pain in the ass when the boys tried to get everything settled on move in day but everything is pretty good now. There were a few things wrong with the apartment, of course. Maintenance came out today though and pretty much fixed just about everything. So, if you haven't guessed already, Steve and I are pretty much living together and i really love it. It's really nice honestly. I'm so comfortable with Steve with everything. I love sharing a room with him and waking up to him in the morning. It's just nice, I'm extremely happy with my life at this point in time. Not saying that everything goes as planned and everything is prefect but i am truly happy and that's what counts.
Spring semester registration is coming soon and that freaks me out a bit but its okay. I will be carrying about 18 units, 3 more than i have now. I will definitely work my schedule out much better next semester than i did this semester. Hopefully, i will have a job as well (Fingers Crossed).
Well, thats about it for now....

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


So, I think it's about time that Steve gets his own blog post ALL about him, lol...
So, we'll start with the basics: Steve is 22 from Bakersfield, CA. Like i said, bako just follows you everywhere. He is in a fraternity called Kappa Sigma and attends CSU Fresno (same college as me, duh) studying Business. Oh, and get this, he has a car AND a license (only a few people will understand why that is so amazing) as well as a job. Pretty big move up from all the ex's huh?
He's a pretty amazing guy i must say. I really haven't know him that long (a little over a month and dating for about 2 weeks) but it seems like I've known him for much longer. I've probably shared more about my life with him in the past month or so than i have in the past year to anyone. I've cried in front of this man, gotten sick in front of this man, and i can't seem to scare him away (lol, just kidding hun, i'm not trying to scare you away). I know that no matter how my day is going, i always look forward to seeing him because he can always cheer me up. He his probably one of the very few people that i can be around when i'm grumpy and actually get me to laugh within a few minutes. I LOVE waking up to him in the morning and going to bed with him right there by my side. That's unusual because i don't sleep well at all with other people but there is an amazing comfort level with him. He's like my nurse, best friend, counselor, motivator, and boyfriend all in one. Steve means so much to me in such a short amount of time. I don't know, but there is just something different about him. Something that clicked pretty much the first night when we were up until 2 in the morning just talking about whatever came to mind. We've pretty much been inseperable since. Minus my girl time, his boy time, school, and working. Still, I can have so much fun with him and pretty much be doing nothing. He most definitely makes me extremely happy and I'm excited to see where our relationship will go. No one can predict the future, but the present with him is pretty damn awesome.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Beautiful Day

So, I'm in sort of a reflective move tonight. It seems fitting seeing as I have changed so much over just the past year: from being a High School Senior to starting out, once again, at the bottom of the food chain as a Freshman in college.
I have gone through so much in such little time and I have learned some amazing life lessons on the way. My teachers have been anyone and everyone, without even knowing it.
I've learned Patience from my horse, Justa. She has tought me so much and we have honestly learned from eachother. I used to be the get up and go type but I've learned that you can't always do that. Sometimes you have to just sit back, relax, and watch the scenery go by. She had to learn that lesson the same time i did, lol. I've also learned that even I can't always have my way. It's all about compromise, meeting somewhere that's comfortably in the middle. I still may joke that its "all about me" but it really isn't.
My priorities have certainly changed. I've learned from my church back home in Bakersfield that it is all about God. I am living this life for Him and only Him. That's one thing I need to work on, in fact. I probably haven't been the greatest servant of God in the last few months but i really do intend to change that, eventhough I'm not quite sure how.
I've also learned that everything isn't what it's all cracked up to be. Live life one moment at a time, savoring every bit of it. That's what I learned from Grandma's passing. Don't focus on the negatives like someone being gone, but focus on the positives like all the good times you had together. You can't change what has happened in the past, but you can plan for your future and pay close attention to the present.
Be observant. Love without holding back but don't be stupid. Don't give your heart away to just anyone, but to someone who will really appreciate it. That includes giving a piece of you to your friends. Listen to them, love them, but correct them when they're wrong.
Life's too short to worry all the time. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Some days may be difficult but there will always be something better on the other side. I am happy to say that i am proud of myself and of my life. I still make mistakes but the difference is i am learning from each and every one of them. God has blessed me with a loving family, great friends, and an amazing boyfriend. Who I am today is almost the opposite of who I was a year ago. Life is just looking up and I really can't see me viewing it any other way. So here's to God, to the patient, to the loving, and the positive. Here's to another beautiful day on this Earth with the one's that I love.

Thursday, October 11, 2007


So, i was going to post yesterday but i kind of got distracted i guess you can say...
Anyways, yesterday was a GREAT day! Yup, that one deserved bold and italics, lol. So, i slept in and missed my first class but it's all good because we were just doing some review. I went out to the ranch around 11:30. I was so happy to have my saddle back! I took justa out and we did a quick warm-up in the round pen. Man, she had so much energy, i just loved it. I saddled her up and we headed out to the arena. WOW she did so well! At first, she was being a bit hard in the mouth while asking her to back-up but that's okay because it's always a quick fix for her. We cantered for the first time in probably three months! It felt so good, her ears were perked and she had a beautiful stride. i was a little apprehensive about cantering her because i was afraid that she would be inclined again to take off like old times. But she didn't even attempt it. The moment i said "easy" she went straight from a canter to a walk (really surprised me actually, i wasn't ready for it, lol). Then, we went back up to the canter and worked on some flying lead changes. Again, WOW! We haven't worked on those in almost a year and she did them as if we had been working on them everyday for the past year. They were practically flawless. She got her front lead and her back leads simultaneously as we were doing our figure 8's...i am so proud of her! Another plus, her back leg was doing very well. No lameness at the moment, that's always a good thing. So, yeah, that's my update....More tomorrow, maybe..

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Whatcha Gonna Do?

So, this weekend Steve, Nesta and I went back to Bakersfield. I hate to say it, but when I actually go back to bako i realize i miss it. It just feels like a big relief when i go back "home". So, it was a really nice weekend. Saw someone i hadn't seen in almost a year, hung out with Steve a couple days, came back with some new ink. It was a nice trip....then we had to come back to Fresno..
So, once we got back to Fresno it was like the drama started IMMEDIATELY. Not kidding whatsoever. It was like a fucking whirlwind of the biggest shit. Some stuff went down i guess while i was gone so i went to help my friend with those issues. Then, there was some more shit going down with Steve's ex. Apparently, her friends wanting her to tell me that her and Steve are still seeing each other and to back off. Whatever. It wasn't even her that was pissing me off, it was the fact that people can't stay out of me and Steve's personal life. What goes on between us is our business, and no one else's. No one has the right to be talking shit about how it's fucked up that Steve supposedly left Cat for me. That's not the case in the first place but even if it was it is no one's business. So, we had to deal with that once we got home and it seems like yesterday the drama was at its worse.
Well, everyday is a new day and today is definitely a new day. Still some drama with other issues but nothing too bad. I have gotten so much work done, i am so proud of myself! lol. I cannot wait for the weekend again. I kinda want to go back to bako, its just so peaceful there. I have no problems when i go back to bako but, hey, whatcha gonna do?
Life goes on and it looks like all is good. Just keeping busy with school and such. Another mid-term is coming up soon (yuck!) so i will be disappearing here and there to study, lol.
Oh! Almost forgot, i got my saddle back this weekend :)...So, Justa will officially be back in training starting back tomorrow, wish us luck...

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Still Missing...

So, it's been an entire month since my grandma passed and i must admit that it isn't getting any easier. I miss her more and more everyday and i have really had to rely on God and other people's energy to keep me going. I hope i don't show it too much, but it's been hard without grandma here. Like the other day, i was just stressed and struggling. I wanted so bad to call her and just say "Hey" like i used to but i knew i couldn't. That just made everything so much worse.
So, i am going to go visit her, well, her grave actually. I hate saying that, "her grave". I don't want to visit a grave. I want to visit her. I want to tell her everything: college, Justa, friends, the boyfriend (yeah, i'll talk more about that in a bit). I just never imagined a life without my grandma there and the more time passes the worse it gets. I shared everything with her, and even when i couldn't tell her what was going on, she always somehow knew. I just want to make her proud but i know that some of my actions lately would displease her quite a bit. I just wish she was here, to see the positive progress i have made in my life, to see how much i have grown in such a short time. It seems like i need her more than anything right now but she isn't here. And i hate knowing that. It's like i'm in denial still, just so i can make it through, because if i admit she isn't here i feel like i just can't get through the day. I just feel so stupid when I pass something that reminds me of her and i have a complete breakdown. I've been doing well in front of people but when I go for a drive or go see Justa the pain always wins. I just miss her, terribly.
So, even though you can't read this, here's what's been going on Grandma:
I have someone special in my life. His name is Steve and he is also from Bakersfield. He has been nothing short of amazing and has been a great comfort in my life. I've only know him for about 3 weeks now and we just recently started dating but it feels like it has been so much longer. Grandma would like him, expecially since he makes me happy :).
Justa has been, well, Justa. the same spunky pony with her Diva attitude. She had some lameness issues earlier this week but as of yesterday she was looking pretty good. I'm glad Grandma got to meet her...
School has been interesting. I love my math class (shocking!) and my Natural Science 4 class. History has been my hardest class while Ag Economics seems to be my easiest. And animal science has been probably the most retarted, lol. I'll get fairly busy soon with Mid terms coming up...Wish me luck....

So, there's my life in a nutshell for now. Nothing too crazy, but definitely enough to keep me interested...

Saturday, September 29, 2007


Wow....This past month has been nothing short of amazing! I am absolutely loving college life so far. Classes haven't been too bad, i've missed a few but nothing so far that has really damaged my grade. I have also met some amazing people that have just made my life so much better. I really don't think i have been this happy with life for a while. I love the new freedom i have in college. Even though that also means i have learned a few lessons on my own about self discipline.
It's kind of crazy thinking that it has only been about a month since i moved out of bako and to Fresno. It feels like soooo(etc.) much longer! The same thing goes with the people i've met, it feels like i have known them for so much longer than i actually have.
Oh yeah, i've also met someone a little different from all the others...and, go figure, he's from Bakersfield!!! (happy Steve, you're in my But, yeah, i met him at a Kappa Sigma (fraternity) rush event. And, well, pretty much been spending a lot of time together since then and i love it.
So, God has definitely been good to me this month, even with the loss of my grandmother i have drawn a lot of strength from Him and i have felt a lot of comfort in knowing she is with Him.
Well, i think that's a good enough update for now....I start my diet today! yuck, lol.....Wish me luck.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I Am Free

I Am Free (In Remembrance of Dorothy Mae Whitehead)

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.
I am following thr path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all. I could not stay
Another day, to laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that peace at the close of the day.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don't lengthen it now, with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, he set me free.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Part Of Me

Yesterday was my Grandmother's funeral service. It was like a giant reality check for me, it was probably one of the most dreaded moments in my life.
The ceremony was beautiful but extrememly saddening at the same time. Many great memories of my grandma were shared by family and friends. I was so happy to see the all the lives she had touched in her time on this earth. The funeral service was packed and that put a grin on my face.
Some family friends prepared a wonderful lunch for us all. We are a very blessed family and it was nice to see so much support from so many people.
I know she is in a better place but i can't help but being a little selfish and wishing she was here longer. I truly miss her. I don't think i've ever felt so much hurt in my life. I'm kind of scared to face the rest of my life without my grandma here, she was everything to me. My role model, my counselor, everything. The service was really hard on me. Tears pretty much started rolling down my cheeks once i got to the church. When we finally sat down in the chapel it all hit. The casket was open and i could see her laying there. She looked so beautiful but i had to look away the first few times. I just can't beleive she's gone, and i really didn't truly believe it until yesterday.
She was buried into a family plot in Madera and i plan on visiting as often as possible. This past week has been hard and i know the rest of this month will just get harder. But, our God is an amazing God and i know i can turn to him for comfort. I am deeply saddened but it puts a smile on my face to know that she is with our heavenly father, preparing the tables for us; for her family. I know one day i will see her again, but until then she will be dearly missed. For now, i hope to make her proud, i hope there's at least a small fraction of Grandma in me.
I love her and miss her more than anyone could imagine. My last words to her just ring in my head over and over. I never thought when i said "I love you Grandma, goodbye, I'll be back to morrow" those would be my last words to her. I didn't want to leave her that night, and maybe i shouldn't have, but she always made it a point for me to go to school and get my education. I didn't want to leave her yesterday. It was literally like a part of me was being torn out when i walked away from her casket at the grave site. It's reality, she's gone, and in a better place, but I still wish for just a little more time with her.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

87 inspiring years....

My grandmother had recently been admitted to the hospital because of heart problems. She had been there four days until her body finally gave out today at 10:15 am. I don't even know what to say to this news seeing as i'm sort of in denial myself. I mean, i know she's gone...I was there to see her body laying on the bed (I missed her death by ten minutes). I was there with her, all weekend, watching her stuggle in and out of consciousness. I was there to give her one last kiss as the nurse prepared to move her body into the morgue downstairs. I know she's gone, but it's just so hard to beleive. It's so hard to beleive that my role model, my grandmother, mother, support system, fan, all in one, is actually gone. I just wanted to pick up the phone this afternoon and dial her number, praying this was all just some messed up dream but i know it's not. Today is the day i have been dreading for years, and now that it's here, i feel so lost.
I do feel some comfort though in knowing that she's home. I know she is now home with the Lord and that she is looking down at all of us. She was an AMAZING woman with some amazing spiritual gifts. I want to be just like her, i want my faith in the Lord to be just like hers.
It was nice seeing how many people's lives my grandmother affected. Many visitors came in this weekend from the old church and around time. Family flew in and drove in from all over to be at her side as she struggled this weekend and i am happy to say that just about all her family and friends got to see her just one last time.
I was so scared to leave her side all weekend. I truly didn't want to lose my grandma, my foundation, my best friend, but i know that her time was up and i knew that the Lord was calling for her...I just wish i could have a little more time, but don't we all?
I don't want to be sad because i know she wouldn't want me to shed too many tears but i just can't help it. It was so heartbreaking to watch Grandpa at her bedside, crying silent tears and just staring at her as she laid there. It broke my heart when he said, "I lost the love of my life".
At 87, my grandma was more than just Dorothy Mae Whitehead. She was a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, a beleiver and probably the most stable person in my life. She was my mother as well as my grandmother and she was my rock. Grandma always new how to cheer me up, even when i would never admit anything was wrong. She was always there for me, sacrificing herself and her needs jsut put a smile on my face. Without her, i wouldn't be the person i am today...So, i am sad, but i know her 87 years were filled with joy and great memories. I only pray that i could be half of what she was because she was nothing short of amazing. So here's to grandma: I promise to make you proud.

Friday, August 24, 2007

CSU Fresno

So, today has been quite a busy day. I moved into the dorms at CSU Fresno (woot woot!). Purty exciting stuff, eh? Anyways, everything went pretty smoothly. Met a few new people, saw a classmate of mine. My roommate is cool, that was a huge relief. So, yeah, just ready for the college life now i suppose. School starts on monday so i'll probly be bored in my dorm all weekend (someone come rescue me?). I'm ready for college, or, well, i think that i'm ready for college. We'll see on Monday i suppose. It's kind of crazy being here. It's like everything you've worked so hard for is finally here....Kinda a relief i guess...Anyways, i'll post some more later, not really in a typing mode...

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Peaceful Update

So, i haven't written since Spirit West Coast ended so i thought i would do a little update:
Well, not a whole lot has been going on. Just wrapping up my last couple of days of work ^_^
Then, Thursday, I'm off to Auburn to visit the kids and my mom as well as some missed friends. Hopefully this trip will go well, we'll see.
Everything is pretty calm and steady in my life at the moment. I definitely give thanks to God for that. He has truely given me some amazing peace in some extremely hard times this summer. I battled some addictions but quickly got over them and i'm happy to say i'm healthy and in the right state of mind.
School is getting ready to start and i'm extremely excited for that. I move in on Friday the 24th, it's definitely going to be awesome. My horse has to stay in bakersfield though until labor day weekend, moving her up there the weekend i move in would just be too much all at once.
Well, honestly, that's about it. Just a pretty normal peaceful life at this point in time. I'm very happy with myself and i can't wait for the fall semester to start :)

Sunday, August 5, 2007

An Amazing Trip

So, SWC (Spirit West Coast) was just amazing! I saw so many bands and had some pretty awesome memories. I learned a lot from some of the speakers i saw as well as testimonies from many of the bands. The weather was beautiful and i must say that i'm kind of sad to be back in this heat. I am, however, happy to be sleeping in an actual bed now!
SWC was definitely an eye opener for me, and it came at the perfect time in my life and at the perfect time this summer. There were moments when God really spoke to me, he really opened my heart and i really surrendered to him. I surrendred everything to Him and that was amazing and it is still an amazing feeling. This trip has strengthened my faith so much and i hope that it did the same for others. It wasn't just a music festival, it was a way to experience God through the things i love. It was a way to reach out to God, to get out of my box, to become vulnerable for God. Some of the artists testimonies really spoke to me and some of their lyrics were so powerful. I have come to so many realizations, i have found my peace again. I know my faith is here to stay this time. No more on and off with God, He is here, and He has my full, undivided attention. I want to live my life for Him. I want to spread His word, i want to make Him proud. I know i will always have obstacles to battle, and sometimes i may lose my way but God is here, right now, with me. SWC was an amazing experience for me and i can't wait for next year.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

SWC: day 2

So, today (well, now I think its tehnically yesterday) was the second day of spirit west coast. Today was pretty much amazing and I had a few testimonies that spoke to me. One of them was about your past and how god doesn't care about that. He doesn't care about what happened in the past, he cares about now. What are you doing with your life NOW? So, if god can forgive and forget I figured I could try. U am deleting my past and making way for my future. What has happened to me in the past month doesn't matter now. What matters is I'm here, god if here, and god has something amazing in store for me as well as someone amazing for me. I don't want to be just a beleiver, I want to be a witness. I want to be a living testimony to god and god's amazing healing. He has healed my heart. Tremendously and given me amazing peace as well as strength. God has comforted me and has shown me my path, at least a glimpse of it. So here is to the now, not to the then. Here is to serving god and living for him.

SWC: day 2

So, today (well, now I think its tehnically yesterday) was the second day of spirit west coast. Today was pretty much amazing and I had a few testimonies that spoke to me. One of them was about your past and how god doesn't care about that. He doesn't care about what happened in the past, he cares about now. What are you doing with your life NOW? So, if god can forgive and forget I figured I could try. U am deleting my past and making way for my future. What has happened to me in the past month doesn't matter now. What matters is I'm here, god if here, and god has something amazing in store for me as well as someone amazing for me. I don't want to be just a beleiver, I want to be a witness. I want to be a living testimony to god and god's amazing healing. He has healed my heart. Tremendously and given me amazing peace as well as strength. God has comforted me and has shown me my path, at least a glimpse of it. So here is to the now, not to the then. Here is to serving god and living for him.

Friday, July 27, 2007


My patience, my endurance, and my overall emotional strength has really been tested this last month. Between Matt, my grandmothers, college, my mother, addictions, and summer plans and i am just exhausted. This past month has stretched me quite thin and i'm starting to show the ware. I'm trying, i'm really trying, to keep my head baove the water but sometimes i just would rather sink. God has continued to keep me safe and still has blessed me with so many things but i just feel like i'm going to sink. I can't even begin to explain all that has been going on. It's been like one giant nightmare and just like anightmare it has been difficult to recall even the smallest details. I mean, it hasn't all been horrible but it seems like the difficult parts are starting to overshadow the good aspects of it all.
Yesterday i had my orientation for Fresno State. It was a really cool trip and i loved the ag department. I was so stoked for fresno state and was pretty cheery. Well, i got home around 5:30. I went upstairs to get ready for the luau that the youth group was having over at Chris' house when my dad called me downstairs. He informed me that my grandmother (meemaw as i always called her) had passed away around 5 o'clock that evening. He didn't want to tell me while i was driving so he thought it would be best to inform me when i got home. Well, i left the house to go chill with Ryan for a bit at the MP and then went to Chris' till about 1am. I really still haven't let it hit me and i really don't want it to. I really don't want to deal with it. I really don't want to deal with anything. I have fought so hard to be happy, i have fought so hard to be strong and to be okay and to not fall apart. I really don't want to lose all that i've worked for but i am. Shit, it really fucking sucks. It really really sucks. I'm so fucking lost and i'm so fucking tired and i just feel so defeated. It's like i'm optimistic based on nothing. It's like i have no ground to stand on, nothing to lean on. Fuck i wish this nightmare could jsut end, i really do.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

The Extraordinary

So, this week has been such a huge learning experience for me. As you should know from the last blog, me and Matt have broken up. I still love him and i respect him, i just felt like we were both too stressed and we just weren't being fair to ourselves. This week has given us space and has given me a lot if time for reflection. Tuesday and Wednesday were my hardest days but i have some amazing friends and coworkers who have helped me to pull through. Thursday i was cheery and had almost gone a full 180 from Tuesday. I've learned a lot in such a short period of time. I've learned to not stress the small stuff so much, let God be in control. Yes, small things may add up to something huge but pick and choose your battles. So many of them aren't worth it. I've learned so much about myself, and why i react the way that i do. I've learned I'm not a bad person, just someone who is still learning as they go. My relationship with Matt has taught me so many things, i just didn't realize them until it was over. I'm literally living moment to moment. Living in this world and truly enjoying everything in it. It makes a big difference in who I am now. Friday was a roadblock for me, and a huge test in not only my values but in my faith. I let something happen that shouldn't have and i had the worst feeling ever. I literally fell apart inside and i was afraid that all my hard work this week would be destroyed in just a few minutes. I prayed to God over and over and saturday i woke up just like the days before: with a beautiful smile on my face. God has given me so much strength in the past week and i am truly grateful for that. I talked to matt over text messages the other day and it was nice to just say hi without any arguing in between. I truly do miss him and he still has my heart. This isn't someone that i just want to "get over". This is a man that i have shared so much with and i have learned so much from that i embrace the tremendous amount of love i still feel for him. I want him to stay in my life, whether it's just friends or if it turns in to something more again. It's all his choice and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with the decisions i've made and so is my heart. God has given me amazing peace and i wish i could share that with everyone. I just feel so blessed and loved. This week has truly been my testimony. It may seem like nothing out of the ordinary but to me it has definitely been the extraordinary...

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

No longer "us"

Well, as of last night, me and Matt are no longer together. We had been arguing like crazy and i finally decided to drop the key off at his house for good. It's not that i don't love him anymore (because i still do) it's that fact that in two weeks time we seemed to do a complete 180 of how we used to be. He was on edge more, claiming that i was bugging him. I was on edge more because i couldn't see him or even hear his voice (and yes matt, if you're reading this, i know you can answer your cell phone). It kinda sucks because i realy do miss him but you can't make somebody miss you or want you. I didn't want to break up with him but i figured he wanted to seeing as he just kept pushing me away. He even told me when we first started going out that he hated breaking up with poeple. So, i figured, i'd do it... I've been okay today...Not great but okay. haven't been able to hold any food down so far but it's getting better. I love him and i feel like i've lost a huge part of me, a huge part of my life. But God is good, and things happen for a reason. So, i guess, i'll stay strong and see how it goes from here...

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


So, last night we did something different for DIVE (our small group bible study). We went to the church for musical worship and communion. It was a pretty nice change. Pastor Gary spoke about surrender; surrendering your life, every aspect of it, to God. I really liked this idea of surrender. In our lives today we view surrender and something bad, like we're losing a battle. In life today we're told never to surrender because that would be giving up. In God's eyes and in our relationship with Him surrender is a completely different concept. It's the opposite of how we view it today. Surrendering your life to God is a good thing, it's an amazing thing. It's letting God know that you trust him, you believe in Him, and you have complete faith in Him. I loved this lesson because there are so many things in my life that i hadn't surrendered to God. There were so many things that distanced me for God and all i had to do was surrender my life, surrender those burdens to Him. Well, last night I did. I spoke to God and surrendered evrything i had been keeping to myself. I gave my entire life to Him and it was amazing how great i felt. I was jsut overcome with emotion and gratefullness. I feel last night brought me closer in my relationship to God. I surrendered.

Sunday, June 24, 2007


So, i was in a reflection mode all of a sudden and i realized some amazing things...
I have gone through a lot in my life. I have overcome so many physical and emotional obstacles. I have done some of the dumbest things in the world but i am still standing here today. I've even tried to go six feet under and yet i'm able to type this for you today. I have realized how amazing my gaurdian angel is and how amazing God is. Throughout everything in my life, every accident, every asshole, and even my own stupidity, i have never been seriously harmed. I've never goe to hospital other than to have a minor surgery for something to be removed to help me breathe better. I have never had a cast, not even a splint. I have bruised and scarred my body but i remain completely healthy and in one peice. God has sent me an amazing guardian angel, and man she works her ass off! I just feel so incredibly blessed to be as healthy as i am. I can easily look around me and see people who are much more intelligent (more common sense) and have done much greater things in their life and yet they have had to suffer some horrible injuries and deadly sicknesses. I have done nothing that i would call incredible and i haven't been the greatest to myself either. In fact, i should have been dead a long time ago but the fact is that i'm here, i'm healthy, and i'm strong. All this just makes me feel so blessed. I know i have an amazing purpose on this world, eventhough i don't know what it is yet, and i know God and my angels are working their hardest to keep me here for it. I just wanted to write this as a reminder for me, as i reminder for all of us. We've all gone through our share but we're still aren't we? God has protected all of us, he knows that greater things are to come. I have complete trust in my savior, my God. He has kept me safe through all these years, and i know he will continue to do so. God is great and every breath i take is a blessing. I know i haven't always cherished life as i should but today i think my epiphany just make me a better person. I will be challenged, life will get tough, but my God will never abandone me or anyone else for that matter. As long as i trust in Him, i trust that i am safe. "Though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i shall fear no evil for you are with me." Psalm 23:4

Saturday, June 23, 2007


OK, so around 4:40pm today i got into my third car accident in just one year! I mean, fuckin' a! I wasn't hurt and neither was anyone else. I was on fruitvale about to make a right onto rosedale highway. My light was red. I was surveying the cars, seeing when it was safe to turn. The only care i really saw that was remotely close was a silver dodge. So, i decided he ws quite a ways away and the BAM! It seems like out of nowhere this silver malibu slammed on its brakes, swerved, and then colided with me. Well, my truck bumper is not looking so pretty (luckily i still have yet to replace the bumper from the last accident). Also, my light no longer satys in the metal socket. GREAT. Their car, well, hmmm...Not built as well as a truck. Above their right rear tire it looks like a crumple peice of paper. Luckily, there was no one in the back seat. Both of our cars are still drive-able, thank God. Also, these people were very calm about the situation. I got out of the car and asked if they were alright and they said yes. They were very patient which was great because if someone would hav eyelled at me i would have had a total breakdown. So, i'm extremely pissed at myself for not seeing them. The accident was totally my fault but i still don't get how i did not see their car. So, i'm physically okay but extremely freaked out. 3 accidents and absolutely no injuries. I have a feeling if i get in another one i'm not going to be so lucky. i really don't want to drive anymore. i could barely drive home. so, this weekend, i think the truck is staying in the garage until i'm a little less freaked out.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


So, i guess i haven't written in quite a while, since graduation. Well, there's not too much going on since then. Im working, alot. The stables are off in Tulsa for the world show so i am doing 4o hour weeks at the office. I hate it. I'm just not an office person. Part-time is great. Full time completely suckslike no other. On the plus side, it will be good money for a few weeks. Hmmm...what else. Me and my mom talked shortly after graduation and that's about it. I got a card from her like a week later. I'm still angry with her. I don't even want to deal with her anymore. I'm just tired and worn out. I haven't talked to her for about 2-weeks now and i must say i kind of like it.
My parents are out of town, well, more like out of the country. They're in Europe so i've got the house to myself. I really like it. I mean, it's not like i'm doing anything that i wouldn't normally do if they were here, it's just nice to have them out of town. It's really quiet, no naggin, just really peaceful.
I've just been kind of bleh, for lack of a better word, since graduation. Nothing real exciting has gone on. Me and Matt are okay. Just preparing for college i guess. I have my dorm formed turned in but i still don't know what dorm i'm in or if there is even one available. I'm kind of bored with summer already. i'm hating the work schedule. I just really want to have some fun this summer and, except for a few occasions, it seems like i'm just not. I guess i want to live a little before college. I'm not ready to be a productive citizen just yet. I want to raise some hell just one more time ;)

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Class of 2007

I graduated last night, yaya! It was definitely pretty awesome...Eventhough i feel some people bailed on me for the ceremony, i felt blessed to have the support of those who did come. It was a pretty amazing moment and something that i will never forget. It feels kind of weird now. I mean, high school has almost defined you for the past four years and through all of your schooling graduating from High School was your major goal. Well, i did it. What now? lol. It's hard to explain how it feels, it's just something different. We're really adults now, we're really going to be out in the world. Some of us are going to college, and some of us are joining the work force. Either way, we still have so much ahead of us, so much learning to do. I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to see what God is going to do in my life and how he will shape me. I'm excited for college, for a new experience, for some freedom, and yes, more responsibility. It's like, in one night, i grew up. I have only this summer left for childhood and then i'm an adult. Responsibe for myself and all of my actions. It's pretty cool. So, congrats class of 2007, we did it!

Monday, May 28, 2007

New Beginning

Hmm....So, i'm out of High School and officially and i graduate on Wednesday...I'm excited but i gotta admit i'm pretty scared. I mean, i've never actually been on my own before to make my own decisions. I hate to say it, but my dad has always been there to bail me out of tight spots but now its all on me. I mean, i'm sure i'll be okay, but i don't want that. I want to be more than just okay. I guess it's just the perfectionist in me comeing out but i don't want to mediocre. I don't want to be "average". I want to maintain the lifestyle i'm living now but that's basically impossible on a college student budget, and i'm not a gambler so that's out :). I guess that's what im really scared about; failure, poverty, change.... I really don't like change, i'm not good at stepping out of my comfort zone, ask anyuone who really knows me. Luckily, Fresno State has weekly on Campus Bible Studies, so hopefully my faith will calm my nerves quite a bit.
I'm also going to miss so much. I mean, i dont love Bakersfield but i have had some pretty good memories here and there are a lot of great people that i've grown close to in the past year. I'm going to miss Journey like no other, just the High School gatherings have been a blast and have definitely helped me to have much stronger faith in God. I will also miss DIVE like no other. I truly feel blessed that the Champions have opened their home to a group of High Schoolers to help us in our Journey with God. I have definitely learned a lot from them, from our group talks. Of course, i will definitely miss the long prayer seesions. :) It's like group therapy and prayer all in one, we've had a lot of great talks and i think all of use have grown closer because of it.
It's like, in moving to Fresno, i'm starting fresh, again....Kind of scary but kind of cool all at the same time. I've had so many fond memories in this crazy place and i will miss them all....
And, no, if your reading this, i didn't forget about you Matt. You have my heart and so my heart will rest in Bakersfield for as long as you live here. I love you and i will miss you so incredibly much. No worries, i'll be home on weekends and as often as i can. I love you, don't forget that when i'm gone.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Just like i said, deadbeat mother...

So, my mother called around 7:45 this morning (while i was in school). I know she purposely called while i was in school so she wouldn't have to actually speak with me, so she could just leave a voiccemail. Well, in her voicemail she said that she decided she wasn't going to come to graduation afterall. She said there was too much going on, she can't find anyone to watch Jodie (eventhough the original plan was to to bring Jodie with her), and there was just too much to do so she couldn't make it to my graduation. She made it to my brother's graduation but i guess mine just isn't important enough. Honestly, this really hurts me. It's really going to hurt when i walk across stage and she isn't in the audience to support me. Personally, i think that's really messed up. This is the most important event in my life up to this point and she doesn't get that. I got my hopes up thinking that for once she could put her selfish-ness aside but i guess that i was wrong. I just think it's really fucked up and, honestly, it makes me so disgusted with her. I really don't want to talk to her anymore, it's not worth it. All she does is put me down, talk shit, and get pissy for no damn reason. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of all her shit. I just don't want to deal with her anymore and that's sad. I feel bad for my younger siblings but i just can't handle my mother. My grandmother is dying and i might not even be able to amek a trip because of my mother. Ugh. Why the fuck does she have to be such a bitch? I just really don't get it. What in the world would make any mother treat their daughter like she has treated me for over 17 years? I just don't get it. Aren't mothers the ones who are suppose to have unconditional love and this "bind" with their kids? Psh, my mother feels absolutely nothing for me. In fact, i really think she just hates me. It's like i'm just a big waste of her time, so fuck it. Fuck her and fuck all of her bullshit. I really am not going to put up with this anymore, i can't afford to. She's fuckin' damaged my mental health enough and i'm not going to let her play those emotional games with me anymore. Yeah, it hurts, it really fucking hurts. Its like the one thing in my life that no matter how hard i try i just can't improve the situation. It just gets worse and worse. Ugh, i really can't express how i feel about it accurately because i'm just so hurt and angry. I just don't get my mother. I really wish that i didn't have to deal with her at all and, honestly, i really don't think i will anymore...

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


I swear i have some of my mother's manic tendencies and i absolutely despise that. It's like a relapse...all is good and then you feel as though you're kinda getting this "wild streak" i guess you could call it. It's hard to explain but i'll try. It's like your sooo anxious about something but you feel numb at the same time. It's like you have to do something absolutely nuts to satisfy the feeling, like a piercing done by yourself, cutting your hair off, or sneaking out and and getting drunk in the middle of nowhere while chain smoking like a mother fucker. It's like a relapse. You try so hard to do well, stay on the right track and then it's like terets, instead of a twitch you get high, and fry your brains out. It's so damn rediculous and i really don't understand it...It's like you're trying to tame something, repress something, but every once in a while it rushes to the surface until you quench it's thirst. It sucks :(. It's one of those moments when i feel that i absolutely have no will power, like i'm just destined to be some manic, roller-coaster, freak. God give me peace, is all i can pray over and over and over....I just hate this feeling. I feel trapped, like a caged animal. I need to get out, i need to do something, something that will make me feel alive; like getting a tattoo or skydiving (of course things that i can't legally do, yet). So, it's like a momentary relapse, a night of going back to the old days where everything sucked but i was definitely alive and feeling it, a lot of hurt, but feeling something. This cycle sucks, and i just don't get it....

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Deadbeat Mother

So, i called my mother last night because i was unable to get a hold of her all week. She seemed pissy right from the moment she picked up the phone (drunk, as usual, probably). I asked her about graduation because i still didn't know if she was coming or not. She kinda beated around the bush for a bit and went off topic talking bout the horses then came back on topic towards the end of the conversation. According to her, so much is going on she just doesn't know. She asked if i would like her there and of course i said yes. We have never had a great relationship but it's still really important to me for her to be there. Apparantly, she doesn't see this. She said she'll go if she can fit it into her "hectic" schedule. So, i got off the phone with her a little later and and was a lil upset but i shook it off. Then, she calls me twice, i didn't answer either of the times but i definitely didn't like the voicemails she left me (in fact, they're still saved onto my phone). In the first one, she sounded pissed, like she had been dwelling on the concept. She said she didn't want any graduation tickets, apparantly me and Donna don't want her there anyways (what the fuck? i probly said 3 times that i would like her there) and she was tired of playing games with us (what games?). So, at the end she said, and i quote "just go graduate". Ouch. Her second message was about how her side of the family didn't get graduation anouncements but she's sure that my side did. my side? I don't have a side, her side and dad's side are both my sides. Anyways, she came to a complete wrong conclusion. No one recieved graduation anouncements because i didn't order any! So, after that horrible message i was in tears. Probably the first time i have ever let tears run down my face in front of matt (or anyone in over a few years for that matter). Yeah, that's how much it hurt. I'm just tired of her being so selfish. It's my graduation, and it's really important to me, but apparantly not her and that really hurts. She made it to Bryan's but i guess i'm just a different story. I just wish for once that she could do something to make someone else happy but herself. I know, as a christian, i am suppose to forgive but if she doesn't come to graduation it will take me almost an eternity to forgive her. She's never made it to anything that was important to me that didn't benefit herself. I hate her selfishness. I hope she realizes the consequences of her actions one day because i won't be by her side on her death bed, she has never been there for me and this just sums everything up. I'm tired of her dramatics, i don't want her in my life anymore.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

"Conflict Mediation"

So, tomorrow i have to go in for what the school calls "Conflict Mediation". Basically, me and this girl got into it in first period. Yeah. We both agree to disagree, we have pretty much hated eachother for two years but Mrs. Alburger thought that this morning got out of hand i guess.
Basically, i walked into class this morning and a few minutes in to it Mrs. Alburger makes a comment on my dress. She goes, "that's a pretty dress but it looks like its too low cut for school". Of course, me neing me, i say "No, it isn't too low cut for school". Then, the bitch has to open her fat mouth and say "Yeah, it is. It shows wayyy too much."
So, i say, "Psh, not compared to some of the outfits you wear" (something along those lines, i'm not good at quoting). It goes on from there, she calls me a bitch and then that's when it really goes off. Then, mrs. alburger states that she wants us to stop arguing because she doesn't want to have to bet on who will win in a fight. SO, of course, that splits the class up and gets them involved making bets. It just adds to the whole situation. Once Mrs. Alburger gets tired of this she E-Mails the dean for a conflict mediation.
That means, that tomorrow morning two of out "peers" (sthuper stheniors as i call them) will pull us out of class. We will sit across from eachother at the table and we will only be allowed to speak to our mediators not eachother. Sounds like pre-school. Whatever, it's better than the alternative: going to the dean and getting suspended. So, ya, tomorrow should be fun. Woohoo Conflict Mediation! (NOT!)

Sunday, May 13, 2007


I really wish that i could just speak. Just get it out right then and there and not hold it all in. But, when the moment comes to say something it's like my tongue is tied in knots and my mouth is sewn shut. I just can't say anything. It's so damn stupid. I could have everything i want/need to say all in my head and all i would have to do is vocalize it, not even think, but i can't. It's so dumb that i can't vocally say one damn thing when i'm upset but i can pour my heart and soul out everytime i write. I just don't get it! I try, i really do try. I told myself to speak over and over again tonight but all i could do was stare. and, no, that wasn't the "whatever" face, that was me feeling disappointed because i couldn't say anything. I don't know what it is, its just like something is stoppi8ng me from speaking. I hate it, i absolutely hate it. For 45 minutes i went over everything in my head and wanted to turn around so badly and tell him, tell him everything but i couldn't, i really couldn't. All i could do was lay there like a sack of potatoes, keeping everything in, trying not to cry...I think that's part of it. I'm afraid to speak because i know i'll cry, shit, i cried without even speaking! And, what's the point of speaking when everything is just going to come out messed up and stammering and nothing will be heard? Plus, i do not cry. No, not me, not in front of people at least. To see me cry is a very rare thing so i hold everything in just so i won't, including my words. I wish i didn't, i really do, but it just seems like habit now. Like, even if i really wanted to, i cannot say want i want to say. Shit, i can write it down a million times but i will never be able to vocalize it. I hate it, it sucks, and it just doesn't hurt me either. I wish, i really do wish, that i could tell them, vocalize why i can't speak but that doesn't work either. It makes me hate myself so much, it makes it so painful when all i can do is sit there and stare at someone and not be able to speak one word to someone and then lay there in silence because i can't work up the courage to talk to them. My mind is racing with so many words but my mouth won't open. All i want to do is simply speak.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Fender Bender...

Yup, that's right, today i got in my first (and hopefully last) fender bender. Yes, it was completely and utterly my fault. Here's what happened: I was traveling down rosedale to get to my boyfriend's house (past the Gosford before the 99). I was kinda out in the boonies (right about at Renfro, i believe). This older truck pulls out of a place by the bar and i thought he was going to merge in front of me so i kept my eye on him. Turns out he didn't and i glanced back just to make sure everything was good. When i looked in front of me i saw breaklights and a red stoplight. Shit. I slammed on my brakes as hard as possible (thank god for anti-lock) but i still managed to hit the vehicle in front of me. Thank god she was in a Tahoe with a 3-inch lift because my bumper hit her hitch and there was absolutely no damage to her car. Her boyfriend still wanted to exchange information and so we did. My bumper is dented a few inches, not bad, but enough to have to buy a new one out of my pocket.
Luckily, everyone was absolutely fine. I was quite shaken up because of the adrenaline and cried about 25 minutes later when my adrenaline died out but everything is good...besides how empty my bank account is gonna seem after this :( .
So, my first fender bender...ugh...I was so paranoid driving home tonight, i braked twice as early as usual and my heart raced every time someone's brake lights went on, lol. I just thank God that no one was injured. It could have been much worse so i feel blessed that the other car had no damage and mine is minimal...Damn, and all after i just had the thing cleaned and an oil change...Oh well, life happens...

Thursday, May 10, 2007


I wish i was much better at conveying my feelings than i really am...I'm just so used to being closed in my life that when i want to scream all i am capable of doing is muttering to myself. I just wish i could express myself to other people better, communicate with other poeple better. Hell, i have no problem talking but i have a problem saying what i really feel.
It's kind of like i expect everyone to be a psychic and guess. Obviously, the majority of the time, no one can guess what s wrong and half of them don't even have a clue that anything is going on. No, i don't blame them, i balme me. Afterall, it's my problem to tell them what's going on with me.
Lately, i've just really and wanted a shoulder to lean on but, of course, i've never said that until now. I'm just so stressed and worried and anxious. It's like my whole world could fall right in front of me but there would be no person to just lean up against and cry.
I'm just so worried about losing my grandmothers. I don't convey it, i act strong because i have to but it really tears me up inside. Memaw has cancer, everyone should know about that by now, and her time is so limited. I mean, she could get the flu or just a cold and her body wouldn't be strong enough to fight it off. She isn't even strong enough to make it to my graduation, to see her granddaughter graduate. No, i'm not trying to get sympathy i just want at least one person to understand.
I've always played the tough girl, you know, the one who would never crack under pressure. The one who you won't see cry any tears. I've just learned to tough everything out but in this situation i can't do that. I can't watch Memaw die and just say, "oh, well, I'm okay, death happens". Yeah, it happens but i don't want her to leave. And, no, i won't be simply "okay" when it does happen.
And, when it doea happen, who do i have to turn to to help comfort me? I know God is there but i need someone to hold me, someone who can just love me and help make it all better and i'm really scared that when the time comes i won't have that. Having to deal with her death by myself may just be unbearable for me.
Then, you have my other grandmother, who raised the very girl who is typing this. No, she doesn't have a death sentence but she is old. her body grows weaker and she has congestive heart failure. She has been put on an oxygen tank because fluid builds up in her heart, making it hard for her to catch a breath. I'm just so overwhelmed with fear by this. She is my rock, she is everything to me and i have always dreaded her passing since i was little. She just has so much importance in my life it's hard to imagine her getting older, weaker, more fragile. It's scary to hear my fiery red-headed grandma to admit that she is old and she just isn't the way she used to be. I fear her death more than anything, wihtout her, my rock, my shoulder, my heart will be gone. It'll be like a giant piece of me is getting thrown into that grave with her, and i will never get it back.
And, it seems, like i've tried to convey these feelings to someone, this news to someone, but i feel as thoughthey tune me out, like there's something just more important they're paying attention to. That, or the subject will get quickly changed like i never said anything at all. Like the word "death" was never spoken by these lips. It's just, he's suppose to be my shoulder, my rock, but lately it feels like he doesn't have time. Like something else is taking his attention and, of course, i never have the courage to confront him straight on. I just wish he could hear me, i just wish that he could understand what my heart is going through, what my mind is battling. I need that shoulder more than ever now, i'll need that shoulder more than ever in the coming months, but i feel as though when i try to lean on it, it turns into sand...

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Live Before You Die...

Today I found out some pretty sad news...Eventhough i didn't know these people personally i knew how it would affect their families and loved ones...
The first today was the death of Nicky's father. I'm not close to Nicky but i have known her for two years and i can only imagine the pain that she is going through. He died Monday night as a result of a semi running an intersection that killed 2 people, including him.
The second was the death of a woman by the name Victoria. I know of her because o fthe simple fact that she worked at Mortgage Tree Lending right next to my office. I had followed her story a bit and even bought the "Battle Brigade" bracelets to help support Victoria. VIctoria was another victim of cancer and it took her life this morning after a long battle.
I just pray for peace over these two families.
It just seems like there are too many deaths in the world, especially from something such as cancer. It really makes me value my life and every moment that i have on this Earth. I also wondered if these two families know God, if these two people Knew God. It just makes me value the importance of scripture and teaching.
My own grandmother is battling cancer. It started in the lungs and has now spread to the brain. She's only 68 years old. To me, that doesn't seem old at all and it's scary knowing that i will lose her possibly by the end of this summer. I've heard Memaw (my grandma) talk about God a few times but i really do wonder if she truly believes. I plan to see her soon and i plan to ask her this exact question. If there's just one thing i can help my grandma with in this life, it would be helping her to see the way. Even when we lose her in the physical sense i want to know that her soul is saved because i truly want to see her in heaven when i get there.
It seems like the older you get the more aware of death you become. The more personal it becomes to you and it makes you realize what you have today, what you hvae NOW. Everything can be taken away in a second and, honestly, i fear that. I don't fear death, i fear life. I fear that i have so much to do that i want to cram in such a little amount of time.
When the doctor gave Memaw her "death sentence" of approximately seven months my mind started to race. I am not as close to her as my other grandma but i love her all the same. I'll miss her all the same and i don't want her to leave this world without knowing that. Know, more than ever, is the time to make those trips that i have felt i needed to postpone. Now, more than ever, is the time to re-connect with her, to let her know that her granddaughter will miss her and i will pray for her during these difficult months. Seeing as she lives in Red Rock, Nevada distance has always seemed like such a problem but now it's not. I plan on visiting her soon, and often. Afterall, she's gotta live before she dies and i know her and i have a lot of living to do together....

Tuesday, May 8, 2007


My life before Him seems like so long ago...I re-started my Journey only about a year ago and yet my faith is so much stronger than it has ever been. It's a hard feeling to describe, it's just like a big relief. A giant weight has been lifted from my chest and i feel so free. I know that God is with me, he always has been, i was just too blind to see that. Through the Oaks community church (especially thanks to the champions and Danny) i have re-opened my eyes and soul to the Lord. The love that i feel, and the connection that I feel in my heart is almost overwhelming...
Recently (last night), we watched a Nooma video called "Trees". I got quite a bit out of it, expecially the discussion that followed. It was all about life, our lives, and why we are here. Many people say were here just to wait until that day comes, until we are reunited with our Father but then what woul d be the purpose of life? What does God want for us, did he intend for life to be this way? In someway yes, but in some way (due to free will), no. So, then, what is God's intention now?... It was like I had a sudden revelation during DIVE: God's intention now is to use those of us that are believers to preach to those who are not. Then, hopefully, by the time everything falls and the world comes to an end, the amount of believers would be overwhleming (wouldn't it be great if everyone was a believer?). That is God's ultimate GOAL for us, he want sus to preach, to help open the eyes of non-believers and turn them towards God.
It was really an amazing thought for me. I got so much out of it and life just seems that much more purposeful. I want to be an instument of God, i want him to use me to gather people to him so that they may feel what i feel. So that they may realize that they are breathing His breathe and they are living among His creations. No, preaching his qord definitely won't be easy. People feel threatened when they hear the word God, and that is the hardest part. People's hearts close when you try to tell them about him and how amazing he is. I just pray that God will give me the strength to preach, to bring non-believers to Him. I just pray that he helps open up the hearts of my loved ones so that they may better understand WHY i feel it is so important to believe.
God has really changed me in the past few months, but for the better. I am the same me, just better. I am a follower of Jesus Christ, i am a beleiver... So here's to the new blog and to living my life between the trees....