Thursday, October 4, 2007

Still Missing...

So, it's been an entire month since my grandma passed and i must admit that it isn't getting any easier. I miss her more and more everyday and i have really had to rely on God and other people's energy to keep me going. I hope i don't show it too much, but it's been hard without grandma here. Like the other day, i was just stressed and struggling. I wanted so bad to call her and just say "Hey" like i used to but i knew i couldn't. That just made everything so much worse.
So, i am going to go visit her, well, her grave actually. I hate saying that, "her grave". I don't want to visit a grave. I want to visit her. I want to tell her everything: college, Justa, friends, the boyfriend (yeah, i'll talk more about that in a bit). I just never imagined a life without my grandma there and the more time passes the worse it gets. I shared everything with her, and even when i couldn't tell her what was going on, she always somehow knew. I just want to make her proud but i know that some of my actions lately would displease her quite a bit. I just wish she was here, to see the positive progress i have made in my life, to see how much i have grown in such a short time. It seems like i need her more than anything right now but she isn't here. And i hate knowing that. It's like i'm in denial still, just so i can make it through, because if i admit she isn't here i feel like i just can't get through the day. I just feel so stupid when I pass something that reminds me of her and i have a complete breakdown. I've been doing well in front of people but when I go for a drive or go see Justa the pain always wins. I just miss her, terribly.
So, even though you can't read this, here's what's been going on Grandma:
I have someone special in my life. His name is Steve and he is also from Bakersfield. He has been nothing short of amazing and has been a great comfort in my life. I've only know him for about 3 weeks now and we just recently started dating but it feels like it has been so much longer. Grandma would like him, expecially since he makes me happy :).
Justa has been, well, Justa. the same spunky pony with her Diva attitude. She had some lameness issues earlier this week but as of yesterday she was looking pretty good. I'm glad Grandma got to meet her...
School has been interesting. I love my math class (shocking!) and my Natural Science 4 class. History has been my hardest class while Ag Economics seems to be my easiest. And animal science has been probably the most retarted, lol. I'll get fairly busy soon with Mid terms coming up...Wish me luck....

So, there's my life in a nutshell for now. Nothing too crazy, but definitely enough to keep me interested...

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