Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I really don't know what to say here but I feel that I need to write something.
Chris' memorial was on Saturday and it was beautiful. John Bryant shared a great message and it was nice to hear some stories from Chris' friends. coworkers, and even acquaintances. It was very nice to see the number of people that showed up. Such a testimony to a wonderful person. I must admit, as beautiful as the memorial was, it was very difficult to sit through. I felt like I was hit by a truck, for lack of a better example. It made Chris' passing real. Not that it wasn't before Saturday, it just made everything so final. So I guess now life is suppose to move forward but I feel somewhat stuck. People say things get easier with time but in this situation, it feels exactly like the opposite. Everyday I still go to the Champions, and everyday it gets harder. Things just don't feel right without Chris. We had a barbecue last night and it just felt weird to me. Chris was missing, and there is no way to fix that problem. It's really a hole in my heart that only God will be able to fill.
Also, my sleeping pattern has yet to become normal again. I am so deprived of sleep and I am sure that is not making any of this better. I'm unsure how to fix that as well. I have a Doctor's appointment next week so hopefully we can discuss how to treat the sleep deprivation.
Like I said, things just feel weird. I find myself writing this midday at work in a horrible attempt to keep myself from a complete breakdown. I really hate all this. I'm not angry at God, just upset at the situation. I know that, even through death, Chris is continuing to touch so many lives and I'm being so incredibly selfish wishing that he was still here but I can't help it. Also, if I feel this way, I can't imagine how Chris' family, and Emily is feeling. I actually feel quite selfish for posting a blog about my heartache when I know others are suffering much more. I just can't quite help it. I miss Chris so much. I miss our theoretical conversations, his theories on certain biblical passages, and his jokes about my love life that always contained a serious and true message. I'm sad that my future husband and my future kids will never have the chance to meet Chris. I am also sad that my brother and mother were unable to meet him because I believe he would have truly inspired them like he did me.
I should probably end this blog because at this rate I could seriously go on forever. For those of you who are missing Chris, just as I am, I pray for all of us everyday and I know Chris is praying for us to. May God fill that void we contain in our hearts and may He comfort us. If I know one thing, I know that Chris wants us to know he is truly happy and we need to keep our eyes upon the Lord. Thank you to those of you who have been praying for aching hearts. Your prayers are definitely being heard and answered. God is still good, and He is still victorious. That's really all I have to say right now.

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