Just some rambling

It seems like the more I dive into the study I am doing and dive in to the word of God the more I realize that Christianity really does take a lot of courage. Since becoming a difficult, life certainly has not become any easier. In fact, it may in fact actually be more difficult. What I'm saying is, now that I am following God I am so convicted of so many things. Years ago I would have never felt guilt for the things I have done or thought, and I wouldn't have dreamed of changing anything. Now not only do I feel guilty, I have to work extra hard to change patterns that have been dragging me down for half my lifetime. Yet, even on this more difficult path, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It may be hard now, but I know it will pay off. I could throw it all away and take the easy path but all that would do is lead me to destruction. Its just different. Its like I'm waking up from a coma. I can feel again and I'm admitting that at times I really wish I couldn't. My heart breaks so much more often these days. I can't not care anymore, although there are times I really wish I didn't. I don't know what lies ahead but I do know that I am truly changing from the inside out. Its remarkable yet scary. Beautiful yet difficult. I used to look at Christians like cowards; people who were afraid to live their life to the fullest. I realize now that I was completely wrong. I am now living my life to the fullest, taking the biggest risks, and facing my biggest fears. Its hard to describe really, coming from a life full to the brim of sin in to a life full of peace and love. It's definitely a new feeling and a new way of conducting my life.I hope someday, when I have broken my habits and started a new, healthier cycle, that I can share my struggles with kids, teens, young adults, etc., and show them through my mistakes how amazing our God really is. He really does forgive every sin, and He really does heal every wound. Its not easy, I don't think it ever will be, but it's all worth it.