Sunday, May 9, 2010

Wit's End

Well, I haven't updated in a while. I swear almost all of my new posts start off with a sentence similar to that but its the truth. Blogging isn't so easy these days. Its not that there isn't anything going on, its just I don't know how to put it into words anymore. I suppose trying every once in a while doesn't hurt though.
I just recently got out of a relationship. Ugh. I think I just need to stop getting into them so i don't have to worry about getting out of them. Anyways, this one sort of stumped me. It started out well, real well. It was the first relationship I've ever had where I really put God first and I worked hard to keep Him as the forefront. Do I think that really continuously happened? Probably not, but this was also the first time that I had strict boundaries and stuck to them. I was proud of myself for that. However, on the other end, my efforts aren't the only thing that keeps a relationship intact, and happy. It relies on his efforts as well. This is the part that confused and hurt me. Things were wonderful starting off. Two imperfect people with a passion for God and watching God work in each others lives. Then he started showing possessive and controlling behavior. Luckily I was able to recognize this and talk about it with close friends to make sure it wasn't just me. So I chose to broke it off because I knew where it was heading, all of my other relationships that I got caught up in were controlling ones and I wasn't going to go through that again. Once I broke it off, he showed who he truly was, and I know for sure that I made the right decision. I'll admit, it shook me a little. I honestly thought that it was a relationship God wanted, but obviously not. At least I'm making progress I suppose.
In the midst of all that, relay for life came in to town. This year was tough, not having John or Chris there to support. Its all about hope but I sort of felt hopeless this year. It was still nice to see a community unite for such a worthy cause. And its always wonderful hanging out with the team, we are all so invested in it. Our lives have all been forever changed by cancer, so fighting back isn't really an option, its a requirement. I ended up staying the whole night which surprised me but didn't make it to church.
Which brings me to another point. My attendance is definitely not so great. Last week Realy wore me out, and this week it was panic issues. I can't help but think that's really an excuse though. Satan has a stronghold again, and I know ultimately, that is what's affecting my anxiety and attendance. Ugh. Just for one day I'd like things to be simple and easy but I don't think that is going to happen any time soon. I still have so much to work through and when I slack for just a moment, i feel like I'm racing to get back where I was.
Yesterday I really just wanted to give up. I was so frustrated. So tired of feeling sick, and anxious, and miserable. I wanted to just lay on the floor and not get up, just sit a wallow in my misery for weeks on end. I know I can't do that, and I know I ultimately don't want to but some days whatever is going on (or not going on) in this brain of mine just pushes me to the edge. I can feel my anger getting out of control, one moment i'm sad, the next moment I'm furious. Even now a range of emotions is coming over me like an ever changing mood ring. I just want it to STOP. I think I should end this blog now before I throw up all my thoughts and sorrows into the world wide web.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i know that you're going through tough times right now, but keep in mind who holds you in His hands. never underestimate how loving and powerful He is, and how all of this is gonna work out over time. besides, we're not on this earth forever, so why not make it last? i'm praying for you, and i hope you feel better. :)