I'm not sure what this entry is going to be about, or even if I will post it (if you're reading this, I obviously decided to post it). All I know is that nothing seems to be getting easier and I just really need to vent.
I decided to wean myself off my meds (actually, I did it cold turkey but whatever) and as expected things are really good, except for this lovely little thing called anxiety. Yeah, it's completely out of control. Chest pains, panicking, restlessness, all that good stuff is back. Yet, I don't want to try medication again just yet. I have a feeling that I can control my anxiety by myself, and with a little therapy. I think it's out of control at the moment mostly because life has been, well, interesting. I really haven't been happy at all. Everything just seems way too difficult. I feel like family is angry with me, God is disappointed in me, and I'm abandoning anything and everything I once loved (not on purpose of course, I'm just unable to do much of anything these days). It sucks. Today has been the worst day so far. Maybe everything just finally sank in. I don't know but I just want to call it quits. I can't even talk to God right now because, frankly, I don't know what to say. Maybe start out with an apology? But that's about as far as I get. I know it's all my fault so I don't see why it would be fair to ask God to make it all better. I really wish I could just start over. I really wish I had my best friend here, to tell me what to do and make everything ok. She would get it. As for everyone else, I don't think they can. There is so much that I'm ashamed of. Things that I have let happen, or even helped to put in motion. I keep wondering if it's really ever going to be worth it to just get back up and keep trying. School is great so far, really positive, but even then I still wonder what's going to happen next? Is something going to come along,or am I going to do something stupid, and have everything taken away again? I know life isn't suppose to be easy but I occasionally look at others' lives and wish my life would just stop spinning. I know all this can't possibly make any sense to you but it all makes sense to me. I feel like my soul is blackened. Like I've become certain things I said I never would, and have let certain people influence me for the worst when I should be focused on God. I just want things to be okay again. That's all it really comes down to. I just want to be able to walk out my door and not thing about all the negative, and be afraid of all the possible negatives. I really want to be happy. That's really all it comes down to but I really think i forgot how.