Freedom

I've been dealing with a lot lately but things are starting to look up. I'm not saying anything is getting easier, I'm saying God's amazing peace has been flowing through me. I've been working hard to put Him first and its amazing what He has been blessing me with. I feel completely renewed. My soul is happy again. I'm able to be more social, and my anxiety is under control for the first time in the past few years. What a wonderful God we have. Life is still throwing obstacles at me but I feel so empowered by the Lord.
Speaking of empowered, I finally finished my letter to Lisa Green, the woman who rejected my sexual assault case back in October. I'm ready to send the letter out, I'm ready to move on. In order for me to do that, I need to know that I did everything possible to hold this guy responsible for what he has done to me. I'm sure he has been able to move on with his life with no problems, but he really has impacted mine. I'm ready to tell Lisa Green how I feel. I she wronged me and every other woman that has been raped. What she does with the letter is her choice but knowing I sent it, and I'm going to be heard, is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
It's been a rough road that I was stubborn enough to try and walk alone but I think I have finally, truly, surrendered to God and I'm going to let him cleanse me from the inside out. I pray that I stick to my daily prayer routine, to the study Dawn and I are doing, and to continue to seek God in everything. With God I hold my head up high with confidence, knowing that He is on my side, He will protect me, and in Him I am free. :)

Update

Since my last blog, "Prayer Request", I have felt like God is really showing me the route I need to take. So for those of you who prayed for me, thank you so much. Prayers have definitely been answered. It's so strange yet so awesome how God puts certain sermons, passages, etc. in your life at precisely the right time. Since the request for prayer, I have come across several teachings in my daily activities that have spoken about anxiety and how to deal with it through God. It's exactly what I needed when I needed it. Also, Dawn and I are starting a study together called "Breaking Free". It's a Beth Moore study and although I am not far into it, I enjoy it. So now please pray that God will continue to show me the way, and that this study will be a wonderful tool to break free of my strongholds and grow closer to Him. Thank you again for all the prayers, God really does answer them :).

Prayer Request.

So, I'm updating today to just ask for prayer.
I don't quite feel comfortable disclosing the situation(s) on the internet, but if you ask me personally I will try my best to accurately describe what's going on. In short, I am having many psychological, emotional, and behavioral issues basically stemming from the incident in October as well as certain childhood incidents. I thought I could get through everything alone, or with the help of therapy, but obviously that's not cutting it. So I really need a lot of prayer, and praying just on me doesn't seem to be cutting it either. So, if you can, please pray for healing, for peace, for guidance, and for self control. Thank you.

Happy

I'm not sure what this entry is going to be about, or even if I will post it (if you're reading this, I obviously decided to post it). All I know is that nothing seems to be getting easier and I just really need to vent.
I decided to wean myself off my meds (actually, I did it cold turkey but whatever) and as expected things are really good, except for this lovely little thing called anxiety. Yeah, it's completely out of control. Chest pains, panicking, restlessness, all that good stuff is back. Yet, I don't want to try medication again just yet. I have a feeling that I can control my anxiety by myself, and with a little therapy. I think it's out of control at the moment mostly because life has been, well, interesting. I really haven't been happy at all. Everything just seems way too difficult. I feel like family is angry with me, God is disappointed in me, and I'm abandoning anything and everything I once loved (not on purpose of course, I'm just unable to do much of anything these days). It sucks. Today has been the worst day so far. Maybe everything just finally sank in. I don't know but I just want to call it quits. I can't even talk to God right now because, frankly, I don't know what to say. Maybe start out with an apology? But that's about as far as I get. I know it's all my fault so I don't see why it would be fair to ask God to make it all better. I really wish I could just start over. I really wish I had my best friend here, to tell me what to do and make everything ok. She would get it. As for everyone else, I don't think they can. There is so much that I'm ashamed of. Things that I have let happen, or even helped to put in motion. I keep wondering if it's really ever going to be worth it to just get back up and keep trying. School is great so far, really positive, but even then I still wonder what's going to happen next? Is something going to come along,or am I going to do something stupid, and have everything taken away again? I know life isn't suppose to be easy but I occasionally look at others' lives and wish my life would just stop spinning. I know all this can't possibly make any sense to you but it all makes sense to me. I feel like my soul is blackened. Like I've become certain things I said I never would, and have let certain people influence me for the worst when I should be focused on God. I just want things to be okay again. That's all it really comes down to. I just want to be able to walk out my door and not thing about all the negative, and be afraid of all the possible negatives. I really want to be happy. That's really all it comes down to but I really think i forgot how.

Tomorrow will be the start of a new year and I'm quite uncertain about how I feel about it. This year has been extremely difficult. I would like to say I won't miss 2009 whatsoever but there are parts of this year that I will truly cherish for the rest of my life. However, there are also parts of this year that I wish I could easily place out of my mind. I don't think I have ever been this emotionally vulnerable in my life and I never want to experience that again. I hope 2010 will be a year of peace and joy yet I really don't see that happening. There is still so much I am dealing with, and so much I have to do. On the positive side, I will be starting school again to become a licensed vocational nurse. I am very excited for this oppertunity but this will be a huge challenge financially and emotionally. I am really afraid of the oncology units I have to complete, but I at the same time I know I can handle it, and hopefully I can use what has happened this year to inspire someone else.
So, goodbye 2009, and hello 2010. I can't quite say I welcome you with open arms but I hope you will be good to is all.
Also, thank you God for the blessings you have bestowed on me this past year. I know you will continue to bless me and be there for me. I hope only to serve you better in 2010.

What's Christmas like in Heaven?

The Holiday Season seems to be a very bittersweet time for me. Since I lost my grandmothers a few years ago, it has never been the same. It feels almost empty. Now, with two more recent losses, the Holidays really do seem quite empty. I found myself crying out of nowhere several times in this past week. I would be driving somewhere and suddenly tears would be flowing down my face. Not cool. Today, as I was missing my grandma dearly, I started thinking. What is Christmas like in Heaven? I mean, Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ, so I imagine they celebrate it. I like thinking it is the greatest Christmas imaginable, but not in terms of all the materialistic things we value on this Earth. I like to think its full of love, family, and watching us down here on this Earth like a Christmas movie. I like to think that Heaven's streets are decorated like no one could ever imagine, and everyone is wishing Jesus a happy Birthday. It seems like a lot of people down here seem to forget that Christmas really is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, our savior. The most important birthday of them all. I want to celebrate just that one year. No presents, just family and fellowship. That's what I think Christmas in Heaven is like. No wish lists, holiday obligations, and horrible traffic. Just enjoying time with our families and our savior. So to Grandma, Meemaw, Chris, and John, I hope you can send some of Heaven's Christmas celebration down to Earth and I can't wait to spend Christmas with you all once again.
Merry Christmas everyone :). I hope this Christmas you focus on what really matters, and may it be a wonderful day to celebrate the most important birthday of them all.

Let The Waters Rise

Mikeschair "Let The Waters Rise"
Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but i can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You

[Chorus]
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

[Chorus]

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You

God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

[Chorus]


That song pretty much sums up what I'm feeling right now. I'm fearful, my world has turned upside down, and when I pray nowadays I am constantly brought to tears. Yet I still trust God completely. I will follow Him because He is so much bigger than any of my fears, anxieties, and worries. God is still so good through all the turmoil of this life. Things may not be getting any easier but without God, there is no way I would have made it through this year. It's through the tough times of this year that I have learned so much about myself, so much about God, and so much about His plan for me. I can't imagine a life without my faith, and that is wonderful thing. We are so loved by our Heavenly Father, and nothing we can do will ever change that. Love on this Earth is conditional but the Father's love is never ending. How awesome is that?
When things get rough, I mentally go back to that river in Africa. A place where I made a promise to my amazing father, to follow Him to the ends of this Earth, and to serve Him all the days of my life. I know by remembering my promise I made to Him, its easier to remember all of the promises He has made to me. I will never be able to wrap my head around why God works the way He does, and why He cares so much for someone so undeserving, but that's what makes Him so wonderful.