I'm feeling a little unsettled today. First off, I'm fasting (no food=grumpy, lol) but it's for a great reason. Tonight we are having prayer at my house and breaking the fast for Chris but i'm a little upset with my parents. They are christians but sometimes i just wish we could pray togeher and worship the Lord as a family. Praying with the Champions is something very important to me, seeing as i have grown close with this family and have gotten to know them over the past few years. At first, my step-mom was all about helping out with tonight and picking up some stuff but this morning all she could really say was "we'll see, i'm busy". Busy with what? All she usually does is sit and do crosswords all day. Also, they decided that they are going to Tom and Karen's tonight instead of praying with us, that was a little upsetting as well. I think, i just feel disappointed in them for once and I just can't explian well enough as to why.
I'm also, for lack of a better word, nervous you could say. Sunday I am going back to Fresno and i will be packing up all of my stuff from Steve's place and moving back into the dorms. I'm really not looking forward to this. Breakups in general are never "fun" but moving out of someone's place just makes it that much worse. I've never been in this situation before so it just plain sucks. I'm trying to organize a list in my head of everything i need to get, all in one trip. It's gonna take freakin' forever (not really but it will seem like it). It's also a little embarrassing because i'm sure, seeing as its a Sunday, Ryan and Audra and possibly Mantor will be there and i have no clue how they feel about me now that all of this is over. Oh, and i'm not looking forward to talking to Steve. At this point I'm almost 100% posistive that this is a definite, permanent thing (us not being together) so, I really don't know what there is to say at this point. I obviously don't want him out of my life, and i would love to be friends at least. I guess I'm just fearing one of those conversations thast just basically says "I don't want to be with you, so lets be friends (insert awkward silence here)". I just don't like those you know? And at this particular time I'm just emotionally tired and I fear that I'll start crying Sunday just because of everything that's going on, and I hate crying in front of anyone (and that just makes it even worse). So, I've been praying my heart out and God is good. I know he will continue to fill me with peace but the focus of my prayers is not on me but the Champions. I know what i am going through cannot even begin to compare with what the Champions are going through right now. So, my heart is exhausted with prayer but i will continue because i know God is good, and he is mighty. He hears our prayers and he is responding. "Wait on me..." is what I"ve been hearing and I will wait on God with unwaivering faith.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Take a Step Back
Hmmm, well, nothing really to say about work today but I do have quite a load on my mind. We’ll start with some saddening news first: today was Chris’ appointment down in UCLA. He had a kind of bump (I believe they said it was swollen lymph node?) show up a few weeks ago. I really didn’t get too much information on his Dr.’s appointment today but Chris sent me a text message stating that the news wasn’t good. It was upsetting because he fought so hard his entire senior year and we thought the cancer was gone but now there is a chance its back. He and his family are definitely in my prayers as well as so many other people’s prayers. So, I would ask you to do the same. Please keep Chris and his family in your thoughts and prayers.
What is going on with Chris really made me think about God and how wonderful his healing powers can be even though sometimes you can feel like he doesn’t listen to your prayers at all. I was talking to a coworker about praying today and he brought up something interesting: he said that he writes down every prayer and keeps track of every prayer answered. He said it really helps his faith. Now, I’m personally not going to tally up every prayer that has been answered but it made me really think about all the prayers God has answered for me this week. First off, I stopped taking my sleeping pills because I realized that I shouldn’t be dependent on anything or anyone but God and so I have been praying for sleep. God has definitely answered that prayer and even though I sleep better with my sleeping pills, I am amazed that God has blessed me a full night’s rest for the past couple days. I will still wake up in the middle of sleep but when I do I’m not awake as long and it isn’t as frequent. Another prayer that has been answered is the amazing peace that God has given me. The past semester was just full of troubles and pain but God has really healed me and given me great peace within myself. I am so grateful and thankful to have such an Amazing God.
With all God has done for me, I have been highly reflective this evening. I was thinking more about the situation with me and Steve and about the living situation we used to have. I wasn’t happy living with Steve and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why but I just realized it. I’ve always been an independent person but I felt like I was losing that when living with Steve. I mean, He, Mantor, and Ryan paid rent at that apartment and I did not. That’s really not okay with me whatsoever. Why should I be able to stay somewhere rent free while they all worked hard to pay for rent and utilities? Being in that situation just made me feel bad about it all and I really wasn’t comfortable living there. It was kind of like walking on eggshells and actually, at times, it reminded me of my mother’s house. Next time I live in an apartment, I want to be a rent payer just like everyone else. Also, my life was too much about Steve, and that was my fault. By moving out of the dorms so soon I removed myself from people who I bonded so closely with in such a short amount of time. My focus wasn’t on school, God, or my friends, but on Steve and that’s a problem. God should always be first, and my education comes in second. My friends also take priority because, no offense to anyone, friends are forever and most relationships aren’t. Plus, you can’t have a strong, happy relationship when you aren’t completely happy yourself. It’s amazing what you see when you take a step back and how clear everything becomes. Another thing making me tense was all my headaches. It’s annoying and frustrating when day in and day out your head is in pain. Unfortunately, this issue still has yet to be fixed but I’m dealing with it better. I still have headaches everyday but I’m not over medicating (like a whole vicodin for a headache that isn’t a migraine) and I’m not being stubborn about taking something such as ibuprofen for them. Timing is everything and catching my headaches early is the key.
Well, I think that’s about it for today. And that was a lot. Peace, love, and God.
What is going on with Chris really made me think about God and how wonderful his healing powers can be even though sometimes you can feel like he doesn’t listen to your prayers at all. I was talking to a coworker about praying today and he brought up something interesting: he said that he writes down every prayer and keeps track of every prayer answered. He said it really helps his faith. Now, I’m personally not going to tally up every prayer that has been answered but it made me really think about all the prayers God has answered for me this week. First off, I stopped taking my sleeping pills because I realized that I shouldn’t be dependent on anything or anyone but God and so I have been praying for sleep. God has definitely answered that prayer and even though I sleep better with my sleeping pills, I am amazed that God has blessed me a full night’s rest for the past couple days. I will still wake up in the middle of sleep but when I do I’m not awake as long and it isn’t as frequent. Another prayer that has been answered is the amazing peace that God has given me. The past semester was just full of troubles and pain but God has really healed me and given me great peace within myself. I am so grateful and thankful to have such an Amazing God.
With all God has done for me, I have been highly reflective this evening. I was thinking more about the situation with me and Steve and about the living situation we used to have. I wasn’t happy living with Steve and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why but I just realized it. I’ve always been an independent person but I felt like I was losing that when living with Steve. I mean, He, Mantor, and Ryan paid rent at that apartment and I did not. That’s really not okay with me whatsoever. Why should I be able to stay somewhere rent free while they all worked hard to pay for rent and utilities? Being in that situation just made me feel bad about it all and I really wasn’t comfortable living there. It was kind of like walking on eggshells and actually, at times, it reminded me of my mother’s house. Next time I live in an apartment, I want to be a rent payer just like everyone else. Also, my life was too much about Steve, and that was my fault. By moving out of the dorms so soon I removed myself from people who I bonded so closely with in such a short amount of time. My focus wasn’t on school, God, or my friends, but on Steve and that’s a problem. God should always be first, and my education comes in second. My friends also take priority because, no offense to anyone, friends are forever and most relationships aren’t. Plus, you can’t have a strong, happy relationship when you aren’t completely happy yourself. It’s amazing what you see when you take a step back and how clear everything becomes. Another thing making me tense was all my headaches. It’s annoying and frustrating when day in and day out your head is in pain. Unfortunately, this issue still has yet to be fixed but I’m dealing with it better. I still have headaches everyday but I’m not over medicating (like a whole vicodin for a headache that isn’t a migraine) and I’m not being stubborn about taking something such as ibuprofen for them. Timing is everything and catching my headaches early is the key.
Well, I think that’s about it for today. And that was a lot. Peace, love, and God.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
AMAZING DAY!
Okay, so today was nothing short of freakin’ amazing! Emily, Mj, Chris, Mihaela, Cathy, and I met up at church this morning to head for Cal Poly to help move Chris back in to the dorms. We got there at about noon and it was gorgeous! I absolutely love the campus, I’m so jealous! After hanging out at Chris’ dorm for a bit and meeting two people (Donavan and Mike), we headed out to find food. Nothing was open on campus so we ended up driving to Splash Café which, if you’ve never been there, has pretty awesome food. After that, Mike invited us to his beach house a few towns over (about a 20 min. drive). So, us highly intelligent college students (Chris, Mike, and I) and one brave senior (Emily) put on (with high difficulty) wet suits and headed down to the ocean with the rest of the gang for some boogie boarding. The water was freezing and I could no longer feel my hands and feet but I haven’t had that much fun in a long time! It was just so spontaneous and random, it was great! It was a great form of exercise too seeing as there was such a strong undertow. Mike didn’t really help with that when he told us that a surfer was dragged way out to sea just the other day by the undertow and they have yet to find him. Gee, thanks Mike. Anyways, after that, we just chilled at Mike’s beach house and watched a few movies. His parents came to the house around five and they are amazing! His mom brought all sorts of food and his dad made us some espresso (was very handy for the drive home). It was really awesome time because, in just a few short hours of knowing some of these people, it really felt like we were surrounded by family. I felt like I knew Mike and Donovan much longer than a few hours and vice versa. Who knew SLO could feel almost like home?
So, because this trip was such an enormous success, we’re hopefully going to go back next Saturday before I have to go back to Fresno. I’m excited already. I love the weather there, and I have always loved the beach. Who knows, if Cal Poly accepts, maybe I’ll transfer. I would absolutely love that!
So, because this trip was such an enormous success, we’re hopefully going to go back next Saturday before I have to go back to Fresno. I’m excited already. I love the weather there, and I have always loved the beach. Who knows, if Cal Poly accepts, maybe I’ll transfer. I would absolutely love that!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Relax!
I’ve decided that my New Year Resolution is to keep a personal Journal, mostly typed but some of it may be handwritten from time to time. I’ve decided this because I have realized that writing my thoughts just calms me and I truly love to write. It’s like having a one-sided conversation on paper, if you will. Some of the stuff I write will be posted on my blog site while some of it may be kept personal for just me or whomever I choose to read it. In the Journal I will try to document the whole day (an abbreviated version of course) even if that means all I can seem to get out of my mind is a few sentences. Something is always better than nothing. So, what a better way to start of my New Year’s Resolution by starting this journal right now?
So, i actually started this Journal on the 1st, and i'll skip that entry, but here is my journal entry for today:
Busy, busy, busy! Today was a ridiculously busy day! I guess everyone’s New Year’s Resolution was to get a job and they all came into Work Force to do it. We must have had at least 60 applicants, seriously. Now that’s a lot! As usual, I didn’t get a lunch break until fairly late because I really didn’t want to fall behind. Eventually, I forced myself to take one a little after two because I felt myself getting a little snappy and stressed. I really tried to take an hour lunch for once, but I fell about 20 minutes short. Oh well, what can I say? I’m a workaholic when I have a full time job. I just wish I could apply my determination at work to my studies. Now that would be something amazing.
Speaking of studies, I checked my grades today. Out of five classes, three of my grades were up: B (ASci), B (Math45), C (NS4). Not bad so far, just waiting on two more now. I want as close to a 3.0 as possible, so hopefully my other two grades will be B’s. I’ll just have to wait. Man, isn’t that just life’s story: Waiting…
So, speaking of waiting, which requires patience, I realized that I get so wound up sometimes that it takes me FOREVER to relax. I’ve just never been a very patient person and I seem to want everything NOW. Yeah, I know, sounds completely bratty. God is teaching me a lesson of patience as well. I know I can’t have things instantaneously, I know he will not give them to me immediately, because that is exactly what I want. God wants me to wait for things, to actually take my time, relax. Yeah, “relax” really isn’t in my vocabulary actually. I’m horrible at it, so is my mother (yikes, something we have in common!). I realized today that relaxing is part of my problem as well. I need to be able to wind down from a stressful situation and become centered again. I tend to get to caught up in everything and get twisted so tightly that it seems impossible to just let go of whatever is stressing me. Now that I’ve fully come to realize this, I am able to work on it. Eventually, relaxing should become easier and easier, but for now it takes a little more time. But, God is amazing and he continues to fill me with peace and no matter how wound up I get I can always turn to Him. I guess what I’m saying is I am realizing my flaws one by one, and I’m working on them. I can’t guarantee perfection, but I can guarantee a workaholic’s effort (which is a lot, lol). So, patience and relaxation will come, and I feel that this is another start to something great. Man, what a few days with God this has been!
So, i actually started this Journal on the 1st, and i'll skip that entry, but here is my journal entry for today:
Busy, busy, busy! Today was a ridiculously busy day! I guess everyone’s New Year’s Resolution was to get a job and they all came into Work Force to do it. We must have had at least 60 applicants, seriously. Now that’s a lot! As usual, I didn’t get a lunch break until fairly late because I really didn’t want to fall behind. Eventually, I forced myself to take one a little after two because I felt myself getting a little snappy and stressed. I really tried to take an hour lunch for once, but I fell about 20 minutes short. Oh well, what can I say? I’m a workaholic when I have a full time job. I just wish I could apply my determination at work to my studies. Now that would be something amazing.
Speaking of studies, I checked my grades today. Out of five classes, three of my grades were up: B (ASci), B (Math45), C (NS4). Not bad so far, just waiting on two more now. I want as close to a 3.0 as possible, so hopefully my other two grades will be B’s. I’ll just have to wait. Man, isn’t that just life’s story: Waiting…
So, speaking of waiting, which requires patience, I realized that I get so wound up sometimes that it takes me FOREVER to relax. I’ve just never been a very patient person and I seem to want everything NOW. Yeah, I know, sounds completely bratty. God is teaching me a lesson of patience as well. I know I can’t have things instantaneously, I know he will not give them to me immediately, because that is exactly what I want. God wants me to wait for things, to actually take my time, relax. Yeah, “relax” really isn’t in my vocabulary actually. I’m horrible at it, so is my mother (yikes, something we have in common!). I realized today that relaxing is part of my problem as well. I need to be able to wind down from a stressful situation and become centered again. I tend to get to caught up in everything and get twisted so tightly that it seems impossible to just let go of whatever is stressing me. Now that I’ve fully come to realize this, I am able to work on it. Eventually, relaxing should become easier and easier, but for now it takes a little more time. But, God is amazing and he continues to fill me with peace and no matter how wound up I get I can always turn to Him. I guess what I’m saying is I am realizing my flaws one by one, and I’m working on them. I can’t guarantee perfection, but I can guarantee a workaholic’s effort (which is a lot, lol). So, patience and relaxation will come, and I feel that this is another start to something great. Man, what a few days with God this has been!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Snow!
Today, me and some friends decided to go to the snow. We kinda come up with this plan spontaneously a couple days ago and we actually followed through with it. Man, i had a blast! For such an impromptu trip we had things fairly organized (not that there was much to be organized) So, we took two cars: my truck and Dawn's Saturn Vue. We headed up to Shirley Meadows, which was about and hour and a half trip. It was definitely worth it to be able to be in the snow finally! We parked on the side of the road and just kind of explored the landscape. We found some awesome places to sled, everything was awesome. I really missed the snow and I forgot how gorgeous it was. it really reminded me of God's beauty in this world and I am so blessed to be a part of His creation. God blessed our crew with a safe trip up and down the mountain and it was just nice to spend time with friends that will soon be going back to college after this winter break. So, that's really all i wanted to say. Just another beautiful day, enjoying God's creations and the people in my life.
2007...2008
Oh my gosh, I feel like I have so much to talk about but I just don’t know how to organize it! I guess I will go by the day’s events and what was going on in my mind in chronological order. Sorry if you get confused…
So, today was a usual work day. Get up, get dressed, go to work, etc. Unfortunately, my mind was so busy and distracted that it seemed like I got barely any work done at all. It’s a miracle that I’m not actually behind! My mind was working overtime. In fact, if you peered into my skull you would have probably seen a bunch of little people just running around frantically in what seems like pure chaos. I was just so excited, I guess you could say but at the same time I was feeling a little blue. I miss Steve (yes, I miss him already after like 2 days), I really do and I feel horrible for the way I had been treating him the past couple weeks. It just feels weird not texting him in the morning, telling him I love him, and pretty much not really talking to him whatsoever. My heart aches but I still stand that this decision for space was a good one. I really do hope that things can be sorted out though. I love him and I would love nothing more than to resume a relationship with him when the time is right but I don’t know how he feels about everything so I will just have to wait on him and see.
On the other hand (and what was mostly on my mind) I was so excited about my spiritual re-awakening I guess you could say. God has really “opened the eyes to my heart” and it is amazing how I am starting to view things! Don’t get me wrong, I’m human and still a sinner but I really feel God molding me know. I really feel that God is getting me ready for something. I don’t really know what and I don’t know when it will happen but I am just so excited over it. It’s like, God has given me this great, amazing gift, but I can’t open it just yet. He gives me hints here and there but I’m not able to guess it. All I know is that God has been so faithful and so loyal to me even though I have turned away from him a few times this year. I am finally ready to take that leap of faith with God, to follow and to serve Him. Yeah, I think the road will get tough, but that is God testing me. In the past, I have failed, and I have failed miserably but there is something going on now, inside of me that I just can’t deny. It’s like I want to shout to the world that Jesus is our Savior that God is the King of all Kings, and through him you will have a spiritually fulfilled life. I think God is really calling me to be baptized, I honestly think that it is about time and I am ready to take that step. I figured this out while at work. I went to the relevance magazine website (a Christian magazine) and found some articles that really forced me to think about God. These articles forced me to analyze my life, and to analyze my relationship with God and I realize that I have never been so spiritually fulfilled in my entire life. Yesterday (well, actually, 2 days ago I guess), December 30, I finally said, “Okay God, I trust You. I give everything to You. My life is Yours and I shall serve you and be faithful to You. My actions will be for the glory of God, not for the glory of me. I surrender God, I truly surrender”. Man, do you know how amazing that feels?! The past couple days I have grown more than in the past few months. God has healed my spiritual wounds and I dedicate my life to serving Him.
Later on in the day, my mind goes into reflection mode. After all, it is now 2008 and most of us tend to take a look back at the previous year. In a nutshell, 2007 was a crazy, amazing, wacky, spontaneous, heartbreaking, and almost any adjective you could think of, year. I graduated, left Bakersfield for Fresno, and finished my first semester of college. I made new friendships, lost old ones, and fell in love. I lost one of the dearest people to me, but gained and amazing relationship with God. I had been severely tested in 2007. From battling three addictions, to learning how to just let go. I’ve made mistakes but learned from them. Overall, I’m proud of myself. 2007 was a tough year, probably one of my toughest, and I made it out just fine. So here’s to 2008, may it be filled with life, love, happiness, and God!
So, today was a usual work day. Get up, get dressed, go to work, etc. Unfortunately, my mind was so busy and distracted that it seemed like I got barely any work done at all. It’s a miracle that I’m not actually behind! My mind was working overtime. In fact, if you peered into my skull you would have probably seen a bunch of little people just running around frantically in what seems like pure chaos. I was just so excited, I guess you could say but at the same time I was feeling a little blue. I miss Steve (yes, I miss him already after like 2 days), I really do and I feel horrible for the way I had been treating him the past couple weeks. It just feels weird not texting him in the morning, telling him I love him, and pretty much not really talking to him whatsoever. My heart aches but I still stand that this decision for space was a good one. I really do hope that things can be sorted out though. I love him and I would love nothing more than to resume a relationship with him when the time is right but I don’t know how he feels about everything so I will just have to wait on him and see.
On the other hand (and what was mostly on my mind) I was so excited about my spiritual re-awakening I guess you could say. God has really “opened the eyes to my heart” and it is amazing how I am starting to view things! Don’t get me wrong, I’m human and still a sinner but I really feel God molding me know. I really feel that God is getting me ready for something. I don’t really know what and I don’t know when it will happen but I am just so excited over it. It’s like, God has given me this great, amazing gift, but I can’t open it just yet. He gives me hints here and there but I’m not able to guess it. All I know is that God has been so faithful and so loyal to me even though I have turned away from him a few times this year. I am finally ready to take that leap of faith with God, to follow and to serve Him. Yeah, I think the road will get tough, but that is God testing me. In the past, I have failed, and I have failed miserably but there is something going on now, inside of me that I just can’t deny. It’s like I want to shout to the world that Jesus is our Savior that God is the King of all Kings, and through him you will have a spiritually fulfilled life. I think God is really calling me to be baptized, I honestly think that it is about time and I am ready to take that step. I figured this out while at work. I went to the relevance magazine website (a Christian magazine) and found some articles that really forced me to think about God. These articles forced me to analyze my life, and to analyze my relationship with God and I realize that I have never been so spiritually fulfilled in my entire life. Yesterday (well, actually, 2 days ago I guess), December 30, I finally said, “Okay God, I trust You. I give everything to You. My life is Yours and I shall serve you and be faithful to You. My actions will be for the glory of God, not for the glory of me. I surrender God, I truly surrender”. Man, do you know how amazing that feels?! The past couple days I have grown more than in the past few months. God has healed my spiritual wounds and I dedicate my life to serving Him.
Later on in the day, my mind goes into reflection mode. After all, it is now 2008 and most of us tend to take a look back at the previous year. In a nutshell, 2007 was a crazy, amazing, wacky, spontaneous, heartbreaking, and almost any adjective you could think of, year. I graduated, left Bakersfield for Fresno, and finished my first semester of college. I made new friendships, lost old ones, and fell in love. I lost one of the dearest people to me, but gained and amazing relationship with God. I had been severely tested in 2007. From battling three addictions, to learning how to just let go. I’ve made mistakes but learned from them. Overall, I’m proud of myself. 2007 was a tough year, probably one of my toughest, and I made it out just fine. So here’s to 2008, may it be filled with life, love, happiness, and God!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Ow and Wow
So, I actually have two pretty important updates. One is pretty amazing and the other is, well, heart-breaking to me I guess you can say. Yet, these polar opposite updates actually sort of link together in the end, you’ll see…
I won’t beat around the bush here, I’ll just get straight to the point: Steve and I have decided that it is best if we are apart…aka…we have broken up. Believe it or not, it was actually a mutual decision. He broke the news first (sent me a message while I was driving back to bako) but I actually agreed with him. Don’t get me wrong, I love the man more than anything but I really think we just went way too fast. I mean, he was practically living in the dorms with me before we were officially dating. Also, I’ve been having an extremely tough time lately and unfortunately I have had a tendency to take that out on Steve, which isn’t fair to him whatsoever. So, staying on the positive side of things, this will be a good move. I will be going back to the dorms and putting my studies and God as my main focus. If me and Steve are able to give it another chance, Awesome. If not, well, it’s something that I will just have to deal with. For now, space is good for me. I need to handle some things on my own and fix myself before I am able to dedicate my attention to a significant other. I’m not “joyous” about the decision, and I do feel heart-broken, but I know that it’s the right thing to do for now. Things always work themselves out in the end, I’m just wondering what that end will be.
Now, on to the better update. I went to Westbrook (spelling?) tonight to attend worship. Apparently, every Sunday evening at Westbrook, there is live Christian music followed by a sermon. It’s kind of a youth thing but I guess everyone is invited. Anyways, I realized the void that I have been feeling for a few weeks now. God really put his hand on me and spoke to me during worship. It’s kind of hard to explain in writing but I’ll try my best. It’s like God was telling me to just let go. Let go of all the grudges I hold, let go of all my bitterness and pain and just trust Him. All this time, I had been carrying an insecurity, a bitterness towards Steve and Cat’s relationship and I hadn’t been able to let that go until God showed me (I wish he would have shown me a little sooner and some things may have ended up differently but everything is in God’s time). Along with the grudge I had been holding against Steve, I had been harboring a pain in my heart from the loss of my grandmother and a growing attraction to the physically painful addiction that I have gone so long without. God spoke to me and I listened. He said I am human, and I have sins, but that is why he sent his son down to Earth; so that my sins may be forgiven and forgotten. God said that I must do that as well; forgive and forget. I completely forgive Steve now, whereas I just said it was okay but kept it inside. As for my grandmother, God took that pain from my heart and replaced it with peace and love. He showed me that her death was not an end, but a beginning for me and a motivation to keep her proud of me. God also put his hand upon my addiction, letting me know that instead harboring my emotional pain and turning it into physical pain, I shall give him my emotional pain and he can turn it into something beautiful: a learning experience. I have never felt such a presence from God.
So, here’s where everything ties in: A big part (if maybe not all) of me and Steve’s problem was my stubbornness and my unwillingness to let past events go. I held a grudge, bitterness, and jealousy. An addiction, and a pain in my heart that I thought I could handle all the on my own but the truth is I simply can’t. All these voids, sins, have been filled by God’s amazing grace and I truly feel blessed (and also stupid that I hadn’t listened close enough before) that God has forgiven me and that he has also given me the power to forgive and forget. I am finally at peace (not saying that I’m not feeling hurt by the break up) and I feel that I can face my personal life and take responsibility. Quite frankly, I needed to grow up and let the little things go. God showed me how this evening and what an amazing feeling this is; to be able to forgive every grudge I still hold. From the issues I had with Steve and Cat talking to even the years of built up issues from my mom. I HUGE weight has been lifted off my chest and I feel like the old me again. I’m ready to be spontaneous and fun loving. I’m ready to take my freedom responsibly and let others enjoy theirs. My God is an AMAZING God and he taught me such valuable, life-long lesson, that I will never forget. I’m not saying that I will instantly be able to forgive, or easily resist addiction but I know that with God on my side I have already won the battle. I just need to keep believing in myself and enjoy this beautiful life that I am most certainly blessed with. I honestly feel like a new person. Like the old Brooke, but better. I feel just a little wiser and a little more mature and I feel that the void that I have been feeling has just been filled with God’s grace and my forgiveness.
So, yeah, that’s my update. From heartbreak to God, from feeling lost to feeling renewed by the Holy Spirit. Every day is a blessing, and so is every experience. In just 2 hours, I feel like I have finally conquered something that I have battling for years. I feel that I am finally at peace and I that I finally (after years of struggling) love myself and love who I have become. So, here is to my beginning, my new outlook, and my new ability to love others without holding a past grudge. Thank you Heavenly Father!
I won’t beat around the bush here, I’ll just get straight to the point: Steve and I have decided that it is best if we are apart…aka…we have broken up. Believe it or not, it was actually a mutual decision. He broke the news first (sent me a message while I was driving back to bako) but I actually agreed with him. Don’t get me wrong, I love the man more than anything but I really think we just went way too fast. I mean, he was practically living in the dorms with me before we were officially dating. Also, I’ve been having an extremely tough time lately and unfortunately I have had a tendency to take that out on Steve, which isn’t fair to him whatsoever. So, staying on the positive side of things, this will be a good move. I will be going back to the dorms and putting my studies and God as my main focus. If me and Steve are able to give it another chance, Awesome. If not, well, it’s something that I will just have to deal with. For now, space is good for me. I need to handle some things on my own and fix myself before I am able to dedicate my attention to a significant other. I’m not “joyous” about the decision, and I do feel heart-broken, but I know that it’s the right thing to do for now. Things always work themselves out in the end, I’m just wondering what that end will be.
Now, on to the better update. I went to Westbrook (spelling?) tonight to attend worship. Apparently, every Sunday evening at Westbrook, there is live Christian music followed by a sermon. It’s kind of a youth thing but I guess everyone is invited. Anyways, I realized the void that I have been feeling for a few weeks now. God really put his hand on me and spoke to me during worship. It’s kind of hard to explain in writing but I’ll try my best. It’s like God was telling me to just let go. Let go of all the grudges I hold, let go of all my bitterness and pain and just trust Him. All this time, I had been carrying an insecurity, a bitterness towards Steve and Cat’s relationship and I hadn’t been able to let that go until God showed me (I wish he would have shown me a little sooner and some things may have ended up differently but everything is in God’s time). Along with the grudge I had been holding against Steve, I had been harboring a pain in my heart from the loss of my grandmother and a growing attraction to the physically painful addiction that I have gone so long without. God spoke to me and I listened. He said I am human, and I have sins, but that is why he sent his son down to Earth; so that my sins may be forgiven and forgotten. God said that I must do that as well; forgive and forget. I completely forgive Steve now, whereas I just said it was okay but kept it inside. As for my grandmother, God took that pain from my heart and replaced it with peace and love. He showed me that her death was not an end, but a beginning for me and a motivation to keep her proud of me. God also put his hand upon my addiction, letting me know that instead harboring my emotional pain and turning it into physical pain, I shall give him my emotional pain and he can turn it into something beautiful: a learning experience. I have never felt such a presence from God.
So, here’s where everything ties in: A big part (if maybe not all) of me and Steve’s problem was my stubbornness and my unwillingness to let past events go. I held a grudge, bitterness, and jealousy. An addiction, and a pain in my heart that I thought I could handle all the on my own but the truth is I simply can’t. All these voids, sins, have been filled by God’s amazing grace and I truly feel blessed (and also stupid that I hadn’t listened close enough before) that God has forgiven me and that he has also given me the power to forgive and forget. I am finally at peace (not saying that I’m not feeling hurt by the break up) and I feel that I can face my personal life and take responsibility. Quite frankly, I needed to grow up and let the little things go. God showed me how this evening and what an amazing feeling this is; to be able to forgive every grudge I still hold. From the issues I had with Steve and Cat talking to even the years of built up issues from my mom. I HUGE weight has been lifted off my chest and I feel like the old me again. I’m ready to be spontaneous and fun loving. I’m ready to take my freedom responsibly and let others enjoy theirs. My God is an AMAZING God and he taught me such valuable, life-long lesson, that I will never forget. I’m not saying that I will instantly be able to forgive, or easily resist addiction but I know that with God on my side I have already won the battle. I just need to keep believing in myself and enjoy this beautiful life that I am most certainly blessed with. I honestly feel like a new person. Like the old Brooke, but better. I feel just a little wiser and a little more mature and I feel that the void that I have been feeling has just been filled with God’s grace and my forgiveness.
So, yeah, that’s my update. From heartbreak to God, from feeling lost to feeling renewed by the Holy Spirit. Every day is a blessing, and so is every experience. In just 2 hours, I feel like I have finally conquered something that I have battling for years. I feel that I am finally at peace and I that I finally (after years of struggling) love myself and love who I have become. So, here is to my beginning, my new outlook, and my new ability to love others without holding a past grudge. Thank you Heavenly Father!
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