Take A Closer Look

Since I've moved to Fresno for college, i feel like i have grown away from God, like I'm not as close to him as i used to be. I recognized this and it made me feel horrible. God has never turned hs back on me bu it feels like I've turned my back on him by not making time to talk to God and to trust God. I've been wanting to take control of everything, i haven't let God handle anything. So, when i was in Bakersfield one weekend, i decided to go to Borders, I was looking for a book, something to help guide me, to help me study God's word and be closer to him. Well, what I found was Take a Closer Look for Women by Jan Kern. It's basically about applying the God's word to your everyday life. One section really struck me, it seemed like i related so well to it with what has been going on lately. There was a prayer in there and it really affected me, "I am your daughter who longs to serve you. I trust your words. Do your work, for i have confidence that it is good." This really spoke volumes to me. I long to serve God, to serve him faithfully and without question. I want him to work in my life, to use me as a servant for Him and His kingdom. I need to trust God more and have confidence in him. Just stop everyday life. Instead of puttin' around on MySpace, talk to God, spend time with God. Trust Him, have confidence in Him. No matter what is on your shoulders, God will help carry it. I truly needed to be reminded of this message and seeing again just calms my soul.

Rocky Seas

So, lately things just haven't been, well, they just haven't been fun. It's been kind of a tough week for me, luckily i was able to come home to bako yesterday...
So, first off, with the holiday season coming up, i miss my grandmother more and more, both of them actually. No, i could care less about the checks or gifts i would normally receive, i care about the fact that this will be the first winter break without grandma Dorothy, and the first break without hearing from meemaw. It just sucks. I wouldn't think i would miss grandma Dorothy this much after over three months, but i do. In fact, I'm missing her more and more. For instance, I went with Steve the other day up to the casino. We passed by an intersection where me and my brother used to meet up with grandma just about every weekend. My eyes started to water and i felt like my heart was broken (how many times can a heart break before it stops working?). I had to turn my head for a second so Steve wouldn't notice. So, it's been hard, really hard, and there really hasn't been anyone there to help me through it. I think that's why i come home so much...
Secondly, Steve and I kind of had some problems. Earlier in the week, i found out that when me and Steve first began talking, but not technically dating i guess you could say, he was still with Cat. That really upset me seeing as i asked him over and over again if he had a girlfriend and he always confidently replied, "No." By lying, he basically showed that he had little or no respect for me and he lost my trust. With that being said, another issue comes up: Apparently him and Cat are talking like old buddies again. Normally, that wouldn't upset me, but given that they were together for five years and i have only been with him a short couple months, it really bothers me. I guess, when it all comes down to it, I'm just afraid of getting hurt again. I've been in this situation, I'm not an idiot, i just tend to keep my mouth shut. Steve and i talked about it and i guess we resolved it, but I'm still a little upset. I guess it's that I'm not quite ready for him to be conversing with her. It's just so easy to go back to an ex like Cat because they were together for so long and people like to go back to what they're used to. So, we talked about the issue, but i still have all my fears and my intuition is saying I'm going to get hurt, as usual. Steve really hasn't reassured me otherwise.
So, that's my week in a nutshell. I just pray for peace, over and over, because feeling this anxious and this tense makes me want to reverse back to old habits. This, to me, is really a trying time, like a test, to see if I've really cleaned up, if I'm really "okay". Sometimes i think God gives me too much to handle, but i know that he never will. I just really need my grandmother right now, but, by saying that, i realize that i always seem to need her. She was my guide, my angel, and now i feel lost. I'm glad that she is in heaven, with God, but sometimes i selfishly wish she was here, with me. So, if any of you are praying for me, pray for peace, wisdom, and understanding to help me through this time...

A Little Upset

So, tonight my friend Amanda gives me a call and tells me that some of our friends are going to be at the fraternity house to just hang out and have some fun. So, i decided to go seeing as i wasn't at all sleepy (at 12:30am) and i haven't hung out with some of the boys in quite a while. I was really happy when i entered the house because it was kind of like old times: the boys, Amanda, the brothers, just chillin and having a great time. Then, i noticed Steve's ex was there, which was fine with me because i actually respect her as a person, seeing as she hasn't given me a reason not to. So, i went on like it was nothing and proceeded to chat with some of the boys. Then, i see one of the brothers walk up to me and i think, "Oh Shit". Yup, i knew what was coming: i had to leave the house because Steve's ex was there. I wasn't even there for five minutes, barely enough time to greet everyone and then say goodbye. It was actually quite embarrassing for me to have to show up and then suddenly leave without an explanation. What upsets me the most is that, as long as Steve's ex is at one of the fraternity kickbacks or parties (and she is friends with the majority of the brothers, so she has every right to be there) i can't go. That actually pisses me off because a lot of these boys are like my brothers, and i love every one of them. It just seems so damn childish. Steve and his ex broke up about three months ago and i still am not allowed to be anywhere she is. I mean, aren't we all adults here? Can't we act like it? I would never tell her that she wasn't allowed somewhere where i was (even at my own house) if she shared mutual friends. It just seems so unfair (yes, i know, life isn't fair). I was so excited to go hang out with all of the boys that i have missed so much but i was forced to leave so soon. Doesn't anyone else think this scenario is just rediculous? Or is it just me?

Bad Start to Yesterday...

So, yesterday morning I woke up at around 8am literally in tears. I had one of the worst dreams in my life and gave me the feeling of a heart-break. The dream was weird, as most dreams are. Me and my bro were at some sort of amusement park (Disneyland i thought at one point) and he was playing at a toy machine. There was a little fuzzy ball and the object of the game was to run into toys with the fuzzy ball and knock them down into a slot next to this big hole. If you got them in that slot, you won. While my bro was playing this game i all of a sudden found pictures in my hand. Most of them had one single woman in them, i recognized her in the dream but i can't remember her now. These pictures were fairly recent they seemed, some from halloween and some form a few days later. As i looked through them, i saw a few of them contained my grandmother. In every picture she was sobbing. Her eyes would be red and puffy with tears streaming down or her eyes would be shut with her mouth open as if she were sobbing and screaming something. I began to cry in my dream while my brother was telling me to shut-up. Then i woke up, and really began crying. I even woke Steve to help comfort me. I don't know what it was about the dream, but it really hurt me. I have never felt so much emotional hurt except when my grandma actually passed. It really offset my whole day yesterday and it is still affecting me now. It's like it's haunting me. I have never seen my grandmother cry, even when she was on her deathbed but in those pictures she looked so sad and hurt. Maybe she misses all of us? I just don't understand the dream, it was just really cruel and unnecessary. I mean, coping with her death has been enough, i don't want to dream about it too.

School, Justa, the usual...

Wow, well, i haven't updated in a bit. I've been quite busy actually. Pretty shocking huh?
Well, school is going okay i guess you could say. I'm a lil panicked at the moment seeing as i have quite a few projects piled on top of each other but no biggie.
Justa is the same ol' Justa. She looked really good yesterday, the weather change hasn't been too harsh on her (knock on wood).
Another home game is this weekend and my parents are coming up (yay!). Then, the weekend after this one, it's off to my mom's house with Steve. That should be a trip nothing short of interesting.
Anyways, on to what I was going to write about: Steve got an apartment, finally! lol. He has two roomies (well, that pay rent at least): Mantor (who is a hilarious guy) and Ryan (who is also pretty damn funny). So, the three of them have an apartment but it's more like 5 people when you include me and Ryan's girlfriends; Audra. It's a pretty nice apartment: 3 bedroom, 2 bath. It was a pain in the ass when the boys tried to get everything settled on move in day but everything is pretty good now. There were a few things wrong with the apartment, of course. Maintenance came out today though and pretty much fixed just about everything. So, if you haven't guessed already, Steve and I are pretty much living together and i really love it. It's really nice honestly. I'm so comfortable with Steve with everything. I love sharing a room with him and waking up to him in the morning. It's just nice, I'm extremely happy with my life at this point in time. Not saying that everything goes as planned and everything is prefect but i am truly happy and that's what counts.
Spring semester registration is coming soon and that freaks me out a bit but its okay. I will be carrying about 18 units, 3 more than i have now. I will definitely work my schedule out much better next semester than i did this semester. Hopefully, i will have a job as well (Fingers Crossed).
Well, thats about it for now....
Ciao

Steve!

So, I think it's about time that Steve gets his own blog post ALL about him, lol...
So, we'll start with the basics: Steve is 22 from Bakersfield, CA. Like i said, bako just follows you everywhere. He is in a fraternity called Kappa Sigma and attends CSU Fresno (same college as me, duh) studying Business. Oh, and get this, he has a car AND a license (only a few people will understand why that is so amazing) as well as a job. Pretty big move up from all the ex's huh?
He's a pretty amazing guy i must say. I really haven't know him that long (a little over a month and dating for about 2 weeks) but it seems like I've known him for much longer. I've probably shared more about my life with him in the past month or so than i have in the past year to anyone. I've cried in front of this man, gotten sick in front of this man, and i can't seem to scare him away (lol, just kidding hun, i'm not trying to scare you away). I know that no matter how my day is going, i always look forward to seeing him because he can always cheer me up. He his probably one of the very few people that i can be around when i'm grumpy and actually get me to laugh within a few minutes. I LOVE waking up to him in the morning and going to bed with him right there by my side. That's unusual because i don't sleep well at all with other people but there is an amazing comfort level with him. He's like my nurse, best friend, counselor, motivator, and boyfriend all in one. Steve means so much to me in such a short amount of time. I don't know, but there is just something different about him. Something that clicked pretty much the first night when we were up until 2 in the morning just talking about whatever came to mind. We've pretty much been inseperable since. Minus my girl time, his boy time, school, and working. Still, I can have so much fun with him and pretty much be doing nothing. He most definitely makes me extremely happy and I'm excited to see where our relationship will go. No one can predict the future, but the present with him is pretty damn awesome.

Beautiful Day

So, I'm in sort of a reflective move tonight. It seems fitting seeing as I have changed so much over just the past year: from being a High School Senior to starting out, once again, at the bottom of the food chain as a Freshman in college.
I have gone through so much in such little time and I have learned some amazing life lessons on the way. My teachers have been anyone and everyone, without even knowing it.
I've learned Patience from my horse, Justa. She has tought me so much and we have honestly learned from eachother. I used to be the get up and go type but I've learned that you can't always do that. Sometimes you have to just sit back, relax, and watch the scenery go by. She had to learn that lesson the same time i did, lol. I've also learned that even I can't always have my way. It's all about compromise, meeting somewhere that's comfortably in the middle. I still may joke that its "all about me" but it really isn't.
My priorities have certainly changed. I've learned from my church back home in Bakersfield that it is all about God. I am living this life for Him and only Him. That's one thing I need to work on, in fact. I probably haven't been the greatest servant of God in the last few months but i really do intend to change that, eventhough I'm not quite sure how.
I've also learned that everything isn't what it's all cracked up to be. Live life one moment at a time, savoring every bit of it. That's what I learned from Grandma's passing. Don't focus on the negatives like someone being gone, but focus on the positives like all the good times you had together. You can't change what has happened in the past, but you can plan for your future and pay close attention to the present.
Be observant. Love without holding back but don't be stupid. Don't give your heart away to just anyone, but to someone who will really appreciate it. That includes giving a piece of you to your friends. Listen to them, love them, but correct them when they're wrong.
Life's too short to worry all the time. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Some days may be difficult but there will always be something better on the other side. I am happy to say that i am proud of myself and of my life. I still make mistakes but the difference is i am learning from each and every one of them. God has blessed me with a loving family, great friends, and an amazing boyfriend. Who I am today is almost the opposite of who I was a year ago. Life is just looking up and I really can't see me viewing it any other way. So here's to God, to the patient, to the loving, and the positive. Here's to another beautiful day on this Earth with the one's that I love.