WOW

So, i was going to post yesterday but i kind of got distracted i guess you can say...
Anyways, yesterday was a GREAT day! Yup, that one deserved bold and italics, lol. So, i slept in and missed my first class but it's all good because we were just doing some review. I went out to the ranch around 11:30. I was so happy to have my saddle back! I took justa out and we did a quick warm-up in the round pen. Man, she had so much energy, i just loved it. I saddled her up and we headed out to the arena. WOW she did so well! At first, she was being a bit hard in the mouth while asking her to back-up but that's okay because it's always a quick fix for her. We cantered for the first time in probably three months! It felt so good, her ears were perked and she had a beautiful stride. i was a little apprehensive about cantering her because i was afraid that she would be inclined again to take off like old times. But she didn't even attempt it. The moment i said "easy" she went straight from a canter to a walk (really surprised me actually, i wasn't ready for it, lol). Then, we went back up to the canter and worked on some flying lead changes. Again, WOW! We haven't worked on those in almost a year and she did them as if we had been working on them everyday for the past year. They were practically flawless. She got her front lead and her back leads simultaneously as we were doing our figure 8's...i am so proud of her! Another plus, her back leg was doing very well. No lameness at the moment, that's always a good thing. So, yeah, that's my update....More tomorrow, maybe..

Whatcha Gonna Do?

So, this weekend Steve, Nesta and I went back to Bakersfield. I hate to say it, but when I actually go back to bako i realize i miss it. It just feels like a big relief when i go back "home". So, it was a really nice weekend. Saw someone i hadn't seen in almost a year, hung out with Steve a couple days, came back with some new ink. It was a nice trip....then we had to come back to Fresno..
So, once we got back to Fresno it was like the drama started IMMEDIATELY. Not kidding whatsoever. It was like a fucking whirlwind of the biggest shit. Some stuff went down i guess while i was gone so i went to help my friend with those issues. Then, there was some more shit going down with Steve's ex. Apparently, her friends wanting her to tell me that her and Steve are still seeing each other and to back off. Whatever. It wasn't even her that was pissing me off, it was the fact that people can't stay out of me and Steve's personal life. What goes on between us is our business, and no one else's. No one has the right to be talking shit about how it's fucked up that Steve supposedly left Cat for me. That's not the case in the first place but even if it was it is no one's business. So, we had to deal with that once we got home and it seems like yesterday the drama was at its worse.
Well, everyday is a new day and today is definitely a new day. Still some drama with other issues but nothing too bad. I have gotten so much work done, i am so proud of myself! lol. I cannot wait for the weekend again. I kinda want to go back to bako, its just so peaceful there. I have no problems when i go back to bako but, hey, whatcha gonna do?
Life goes on and it looks like all is good. Just keeping busy with school and such. Another mid-term is coming up soon (yuck!) so i will be disappearing here and there to study, lol.
Oh! Almost forgot, i got my saddle back this weekend :)...So, Justa will officially be back in training starting back tomorrow, wish us luck...

Still Missing...

So, it's been an entire month since my grandma passed and i must admit that it isn't getting any easier. I miss her more and more everyday and i have really had to rely on God and other people's energy to keep me going. I hope i don't show it too much, but it's been hard without grandma here. Like the other day, i was just stressed and struggling. I wanted so bad to call her and just say "Hey" like i used to but i knew i couldn't. That just made everything so much worse.
So, i am going to go visit her, well, her grave actually. I hate saying that, "her grave". I don't want to visit a grave. I want to visit her. I want to tell her everything: college, Justa, friends, the boyfriend (yeah, i'll talk more about that in a bit). I just never imagined a life without my grandma there and the more time passes the worse it gets. I shared everything with her, and even when i couldn't tell her what was going on, she always somehow knew. I just want to make her proud but i know that some of my actions lately would displease her quite a bit. I just wish she was here, to see the positive progress i have made in my life, to see how much i have grown in such a short time. It seems like i need her more than anything right now but she isn't here. And i hate knowing that. It's like i'm in denial still, just so i can make it through, because if i admit she isn't here i feel like i just can't get through the day. I just feel so stupid when I pass something that reminds me of her and i have a complete breakdown. I've been doing well in front of people but when I go for a drive or go see Justa the pain always wins. I just miss her, terribly.
So, even though you can't read this, here's what's been going on Grandma:
I have someone special in my life. His name is Steve and he is also from Bakersfield. He has been nothing short of amazing and has been a great comfort in my life. I've only know him for about 3 weeks now and we just recently started dating but it feels like it has been so much longer. Grandma would like him, expecially since he makes me happy :).
Justa has been, well, Justa. the same spunky pony with her Diva attitude. She had some lameness issues earlier this week but as of yesterday she was looking pretty good. I'm glad Grandma got to meet her...
School has been interesting. I love my math class (shocking!) and my Natural Science 4 class. History has been my hardest class while Ag Economics seems to be my easiest. And animal science has been probably the most retarted, lol. I'll get fairly busy soon with Mid terms coming up...Wish me luck....

So, there's my life in a nutshell for now. Nothing too crazy, but definitely enough to keep me interested...

AMAZING!

Wow....This past month has been nothing short of amazing! I am absolutely loving college life so far. Classes haven't been too bad, i've missed a few but nothing so far that has really damaged my grade. I have also met some amazing people that have just made my life so much better. I really don't think i have been this happy with life for a while. I love the new freedom i have in college. Even though that also means i have learned a few lessons on my own about self discipline.
It's kind of crazy thinking that it has only been about a month since i moved out of bako and to Fresno. It feels like soooo(etc.) much longer! The same thing goes with the people i've met, it feels like i have known them for so much longer than i actually have.
Oh yeah, i've also met someone a little different from all the others...and, go figure, he's from Bakersfield!!! (happy Steve, you're in my blog..lol). But, yeah, i met him at a Kappa Sigma (fraternity) rush event. And, well, pretty much been spending a lot of time together since then and i love it.
So, God has definitely been good to me this month, even with the loss of my grandmother i have drawn a lot of strength from Him and i have felt a lot of comfort in knowing she is with Him.
Well, i think that's a good enough update for now....I start my diet today! yuck, lol.....Wish me luck.

I Am Free

I Am Free (In Remembrance of Dorothy Mae Whitehead)

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.
I am following thr path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all. I could not stay
Another day, to laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that peace at the close of the day.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don't lengthen it now, with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, he set me free.
-Unknown

Part Of Me

Yesterday was my Grandmother's funeral service. It was like a giant reality check for me, it was probably one of the most dreaded moments in my life.
The ceremony was beautiful but extrememly saddening at the same time. Many great memories of my grandma were shared by family and friends. I was so happy to see the all the lives she had touched in her time on this earth. The funeral service was packed and that put a grin on my face.
Some family friends prepared a wonderful lunch for us all. We are a very blessed family and it was nice to see so much support from so many people.
I know she is in a better place but i can't help but being a little selfish and wishing she was here longer. I truly miss her. I don't think i've ever felt so much hurt in my life. I'm kind of scared to face the rest of my life without my grandma here, she was everything to me. My role model, my counselor, everything. The service was really hard on me. Tears pretty much started rolling down my cheeks once i got to the church. When we finally sat down in the chapel it all hit. The casket was open and i could see her laying there. She looked so beautiful but i had to look away the first few times. I just can't beleive she's gone, and i really didn't truly believe it until yesterday.
She was buried into a family plot in Madera and i plan on visiting as often as possible. This past week has been hard and i know the rest of this month will just get harder. But, our God is an amazing God and i know i can turn to him for comfort. I am deeply saddened but it puts a smile on my face to know that she is with our heavenly father, preparing the tables for us; for her family. I know one day i will see her again, but until then she will be dearly missed. For now, i hope to make her proud, i hope there's at least a small fraction of Grandma in me.
I love her and miss her more than anyone could imagine. My last words to her just ring in my head over and over. I never thought when i said "I love you Grandma, goodbye, I'll be back to morrow" those would be my last words to her. I didn't want to leave her that night, and maybe i shouldn't have, but she always made it a point for me to go to school and get my education. I didn't want to leave her yesterday. It was literally like a part of me was being torn out when i walked away from her casket at the grave site. It's reality, she's gone, and in a better place, but I still wish for just a little more time with her.

87 inspiring years....

My grandmother had recently been admitted to the hospital because of heart problems. She had been there four days until her body finally gave out today at 10:15 am. I don't even know what to say to this news seeing as i'm sort of in denial myself. I mean, i know she's gone...I was there to see her body laying on the bed (I missed her death by ten minutes). I was there with her, all weekend, watching her stuggle in and out of consciousness. I was there to give her one last kiss as the nurse prepared to move her body into the morgue downstairs. I know she's gone, but it's just so hard to beleive. It's so hard to beleive that my role model, my grandmother, mother, support system, fan, all in one, is actually gone. I just wanted to pick up the phone this afternoon and dial her number, praying this was all just some messed up dream but i know it's not. Today is the day i have been dreading for years, and now that it's here, i feel so lost.
I do feel some comfort though in knowing that she's home. I know she is now home with the Lord and that she is looking down at all of us. She was an AMAZING woman with some amazing spiritual gifts. I want to be just like her, i want my faith in the Lord to be just like hers.
It was nice seeing how many people's lives my grandmother affected. Many visitors came in this weekend from the old church and around time. Family flew in and drove in from all over to be at her side as she struggled this weekend and i am happy to say that just about all her family and friends got to see her just one last time.
I was so scared to leave her side all weekend. I truly didn't want to lose my grandma, my foundation, my best friend, but i know that her time was up and i knew that the Lord was calling for her...I just wish i could have a little more time, but don't we all?
I don't want to be sad because i know she wouldn't want me to shed too many tears but i just can't help it. It was so heartbreaking to watch Grandpa at her bedside, crying silent tears and just staring at her as she laid there. It broke my heart when he said, "I lost the love of my life".
At 87, my grandma was more than just Dorothy Mae Whitehead. She was a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, a beleiver and probably the most stable person in my life. She was my mother as well as my grandmother and she was my rock. Grandma always new how to cheer me up, even when i would never admit anything was wrong. She was always there for me, sacrificing herself and her needs jsut put a smile on my face. Without her, i wouldn't be the person i am today...So, i am sad, but i know her 87 years were filled with joy and great memories. I only pray that i could be half of what she was because she was nothing short of amazing. So here's to grandma: I promise to make you proud.