Peaceful Update

So, i haven't written since Spirit West Coast ended so i thought i would do a little update:
Well, not a whole lot has been going on. Just wrapping up my last couple of days of work ^_^
Then, Thursday, I'm off to Auburn to visit the kids and my mom as well as some missed friends. Hopefully this trip will go well, we'll see.
Everything is pretty calm and steady in my life at the moment. I definitely give thanks to God for that. He has truely given me some amazing peace in some extremely hard times this summer. I battled some addictions but quickly got over them and i'm happy to say i'm healthy and in the right state of mind.
School is getting ready to start and i'm extremely excited for that. I move in on Friday the 24th, it's definitely going to be awesome. My horse has to stay in bakersfield though until labor day weekend, moving her up there the weekend i move in would just be too much all at once.
Well, honestly, that's about it. Just a pretty normal peaceful life at this point in time. I'm very happy with myself and i can't wait for the fall semester to start :)

An Amazing Trip

So, SWC (Spirit West Coast) was just amazing! I saw so many bands and had some pretty awesome memories. I learned a lot from some of the speakers i saw as well as testimonies from many of the bands. The weather was beautiful and i must say that i'm kind of sad to be back in this heat. I am, however, happy to be sleeping in an actual bed now!
SWC was definitely an eye opener for me, and it came at the perfect time in my life and at the perfect time this summer. There were moments when God really spoke to me, he really opened my heart and i really surrendered to him. I surrendred everything to Him and that was amazing and it is still an amazing feeling. This trip has strengthened my faith so much and i hope that it did the same for others. It wasn't just a music festival, it was a way to experience God through the things i love. It was a way to reach out to God, to get out of my box, to become vulnerable for God. Some of the artists testimonies really spoke to me and some of their lyrics were so powerful. I have come to so many realizations, i have found my peace again. I know my faith is here to stay this time. No more on and off with God, He is here, and He has my full, undivided attention. I want to live my life for Him. I want to spread His word, i want to make Him proud. I know i will always have obstacles to battle, and sometimes i may lose my way but God is here, right now, with me. SWC was an amazing experience for me and i can't wait for next year.

SWC: day 2

So, today (well, now I think its tehnically yesterday) was the second day of spirit west coast. Today was pretty much amazing and I had a few testimonies that spoke to me. One of them was about your past and how god doesn't care about that. He doesn't care about what happened in the past, he cares about now. What are you doing with your life NOW? So, if god can forgive and forget I figured I could try. U am deleting my past and making way for my future. What has happened to me in the past month doesn't matter now. What matters is I'm here, god if here, and god has something amazing in store for me as well as someone amazing for me. I don't want to be just a beleiver, I want to be a witness. I want to be a living testimony to god and god's amazing healing. He has healed my heart. Tremendously and given me amazing peace as well as strength. God has comforted me and has shown me my path, at least a glimpse of it. So here is to the now, not to the then. Here is to serving god and living for him.

SWC: day 2

So, today (well, now I think its tehnically yesterday) was the second day of spirit west coast. Today was pretty much amazing and I had a few testimonies that spoke to me. One of them was about your past and how god doesn't care about that. He doesn't care about what happened in the past, he cares about now. What are you doing with your life NOW? So, if god can forgive and forget I figured I could try. U am deleting my past and making way for my future. What has happened to me in the past month doesn't matter now. What matters is I'm here, god if here, and god has something amazing in store for me as well as someone amazing for me. I don't want to be just a beleiver, I want to be a witness. I want to be a living testimony to god and god's amazing healing. He has healed my heart. Tremendously and given me amazing peace as well as strength. God has comforted me and has shown me my path, at least a glimpse of it. So here is to the now, not to the then. Here is to serving god and living for him.

Nightmare

My patience, my endurance, and my overall emotional strength has really been tested this last month. Between Matt, my grandmothers, college, my mother, addictions, and summer plans and i am just exhausted. This past month has stretched me quite thin and i'm starting to show the ware. I'm trying, i'm really trying, to keep my head baove the water but sometimes i just would rather sink. God has continued to keep me safe and still has blessed me with so many things but i just feel like i'm going to sink. I can't even begin to explain all that has been going on. It's been like one giant nightmare and just like anightmare it has been difficult to recall even the smallest details. I mean, it hasn't all been horrible but it seems like the difficult parts are starting to overshadow the good aspects of it all.
Yesterday i had my orientation for Fresno State. It was a really cool trip and i loved the ag department. I was so stoked for fresno state and was pretty cheery. Well, i got home around 5:30. I went upstairs to get ready for the luau that the youth group was having over at Chris' house when my dad called me downstairs. He informed me that my grandmother (meemaw as i always called her) had passed away around 5 o'clock that evening. He didn't want to tell me while i was driving so he thought it would be best to inform me when i got home. Well, i left the house to go chill with Ryan for a bit at the MP and then went to Chris' till about 1am. I really still haven't let it hit me and i really don't want it to. I really don't want to deal with it. I really don't want to deal with anything. I have fought so hard to be happy, i have fought so hard to be strong and to be okay and to not fall apart. I really don't want to lose all that i've worked for but i am. Shit, it really fucking sucks. It really really sucks. I'm so fucking lost and i'm so fucking tired and i just feel so defeated. It's like i'm optimistic based on nothing. It's like i have no ground to stand on, nothing to lean on. Fuck i wish this nightmare could jsut end, i really do.

The Extraordinary

So, this week has been such a huge learning experience for me. As you should know from the last blog, me and Matt have broken up. I still love him and i respect him, i just felt like we were both too stressed and we just weren't being fair to ourselves. This week has given us space and has given me a lot if time for reflection. Tuesday and Wednesday were my hardest days but i have some amazing friends and coworkers who have helped me to pull through. Thursday i was cheery and had almost gone a full 180 from Tuesday. I've learned a lot in such a short period of time. I've learned to not stress the small stuff so much, let God be in control. Yes, small things may add up to something huge but pick and choose your battles. So many of them aren't worth it. I've learned so much about myself, and why i react the way that i do. I've learned I'm not a bad person, just someone who is still learning as they go. My relationship with Matt has taught me so many things, i just didn't realize them until it was over. I'm literally living moment to moment. Living in this world and truly enjoying everything in it. It makes a big difference in who I am now. Friday was a roadblock for me, and a huge test in not only my values but in my faith. I let something happen that shouldn't have and i had the worst feeling ever. I literally fell apart inside and i was afraid that all my hard work this week would be destroyed in just a few minutes. I prayed to God over and over and saturday i woke up just like the days before: with a beautiful smile on my face. God has given me so much strength in the past week and i am truly grateful for that. I talked to matt over text messages the other day and it was nice to just say hi without any arguing in between. I truly do miss him and he still has my heart. This isn't someone that i just want to "get over". This is a man that i have shared so much with and i have learned so much from that i embrace the tremendous amount of love i still feel for him. I want him to stay in my life, whether it's just friends or if it turns in to something more again. It's all his choice and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with the decisions i've made and so is my heart. God has given me amazing peace and i wish i could share that with everyone. I just feel so blessed and loved. This week has truly been my testimony. It may seem like nothing out of the ordinary but to me it has definitely been the extraordinary...

No longer "us"

Well, as of last night, me and Matt are no longer together. We had been arguing like crazy and i finally decided to drop the key off at his house for good. It's not that i don't love him anymore (because i still do) it's that fact that in two weeks time we seemed to do a complete 180 of how we used to be. He was on edge more, claiming that i was bugging him. I was on edge more because i couldn't see him or even hear his voice (and yes matt, if you're reading this, i know you can answer your cell phone). It kinda sucks because i realy do miss him but you can't make somebody miss you or want you. I didn't want to break up with him but i figured he wanted to seeing as he just kept pushing me away. He even told me when we first started going out that he hated breaking up with poeple. So, i figured, i'd do it... I've been okay today...Not great but okay. haven't been able to hold any food down so far but it's getting better. I love him and i feel like i've lost a huge part of me, a huge part of my life. But God is good, and things happen for a reason. So, i guess, i'll stay strong and see how it goes from here...