The Story Between the Trees...

The Hunger

2010-12-17T13:07:00.000-08:00

All my life I've been hungry. Well, soul hungry that is. Ever since I can remember. So, all my life I've been trying to fill this hunger. It started with trying to fill it with my parent's love. Coming from a broken a home, that wasn't so easy to do. So when I still felt hungry I started trying to fill it with food, literally. I ate and ate and ate and got quite big for my young age. When I saw that still didn't satisfy me, I tried to fill that void with men. Bad relationships that always started and ended in the same place, leaving me still hungry. So eventually I stopped trying to fill the void. I started ignoring it, starving it. That's when life became really dark for me. Anger, bitterness, depression, attempted suicides. My life definitely wasn't reflecting what God truly created me for. I had built a wall up against society, against love, against Him. That hunger, that void that I had felt all my life, was my need for love. My need for acceptance, forgiveness, and faith. Now, I wish I could say that once I accepted Christ that emptiness was filled, but it wasn't. I believed in God, I said I had faith in God, but did I really? I had faith, to a manly extent. I trusted God like I trusted man and in reality, that wasn't a whole lot. After a life of betrayal, how am I suppose to learn to completely and utterly trust a God that I cannot see? That question alone is completely doubting God.
In just a couple short weeks God has been working majorly in me. He has been stirring up all sorts of emotions to try and remove the clutter that has been darkening my soul. However, without me completely surrendering every little thing, I will never fully trust God. A friend told me that I needed to be vulnerable with God, and he is absolutely right. When I prayed, it was always in the general sense. "God heal my hurt, God release me from these chains, God take away my anxiety." I would commonly say, "You know me God, take away what it is that keeps me from you." Not a horrible prayer, but not a truthful one, not a vulnerable one. Last night i started praying for specifics, "God, take away mu anxieties stemming from a lack of trust for you! God, retrain my way of thinking that I am not worthy of your love because of my sexual sins!" Well, prayers like that continued. I went through just about every bad memory from birth until now. Praying specifically for healing, wisdom, guidance, patience, and His love. I have never in my life prayed like this before and I'll be honest, it hurt, it really truly hurt. For once I was being completely vulnerable and open with my God. Not one detail that popped in to my head was spared from enthusiastically giving it over to the Lord. I felt like I was being emptied. If you have ever felt like this you know what I mean when I say it is hard. With my history of trust issues, spilling everything one by one before the throne of God hurt me like I had never been hurt before. I cried and screamed like never before (the neighbors probably thought I was being murdered or something). Yet during all this, I felt like God had a magnet hovering above me. This magnet was attracting all of the darkness in my soul. It literally felt like he was extracting everything from me. Then, He began to fill me. Replaced my fears about intimacy, with His promise of His unending love for me. Replacing my trust issues with His history of always staying true. Then the lord literally commanded me to go to bed.
I woke a few hours later with no anxiety, a first for me, I always have some sort of anxiety but God took it. I have realized now that God placed that hunger for me. That hunger is mankind's drive to seek God and to ask Him to fill it. So even though I may have been feeding it nothing but garbage my whole life, I am thankful for that unending hunger. Now the hunger is being filled with light, God's love, mercy, forgiveness, and faithfulness. Now the real journey, the journey God planned for me, can begin.

Gentleness

2010-09-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

I thought all the lessons I had learned from Chris and his passing were so obvious but I didn't realize yet another one until Tuesday. Mondays and Tuesdays is when I have my clinical hours at Mercy. These are my favorite days out of the week because I get to practice what I've been taught. I love my patients, each and every one of them, and every week seems to present a new task. However, they usually all have something in common: pain. Whether it's muscle pain, wound pain, fracture pain, etc., they all have it from mild to severe. All to often I see nurses on the floor in a hurry moving thier painful patients to fast, too hard, or doing quick and forceful wound care leaving the patient in tremendous amounts of pain. Now, I know that in some procedures pain is unavoidable, but to what degree? Here is where I owe Chris yet again for such an amazing lesson. Chris had immense leg pain and whenever he was moved in any way, we had to be extremely careful and extremely gentle. It hurt no matter what but slow and steady seemed to less painful than quick and forceful. This has translated in to every patient of mine, especially those with wounds. I absolutely love wound care so I commonly ask for patients with abscesses or ulcers or incisions that require dressing changes. Usually when I enter the room with all my supplies I can see my patients becoming anxious. I always hear about "the nurse before". How painful something was, or how carelessly something was done. I always tell them that I will be as gentle as possible and typically my patients are amazed at how pain free the dressing change was. I realized how much Chris influenced my gentleness when my patient Tuesday asked if I could come back and always do her dressing changes. It was good to hear but it was so great to realize that during such a horrid time, I learned such an amazing lesson that i continually put in to practice. So thank you again Chris for the subtle things you taught me, probably without even knowing it.

Just Wonderful

2010-07-21T00:58:00.000-07:00

I'm obviously horrible at updating this thing. Sorry to whoever still follows my blog. So, what's new with me? Well, I can't really say a whole lot! I'm still in school. About halfway though now and though I don't like school itself, I fall in love with nursing more and more each day. For the past two weeks I have had the same patient. This patient has been through a lo in the past few years medically and now she is fighting off a horrid infection among other things. I feel extremely blessed to have her as a patient because she makes me remain humble. No matter how busy I think I am, or hectic things seems to be, her fragile state reminds me to slow down, be gentle, and take my time with her. She is definitely not the kind of patient you can rush. Also, you really have to get her trust and, more importantly, her family's trust. She really reminds me of Chris. I think that's why I feel blessed because I can put the same amount of energy in to her as I did with Chris but this time with a little more knowledge. It's people like her that remind me of why I went in to nursing in the first place and how much I really love this field. I thank God everyday for the opportunity to make a difference in someone's life.
On another note, as of today, I have a job. Yippy! I will be working for macy's. I am very excited for multiple reasons. This is the first job I've ever gotten without my dad's help. I feel like I'm finally growing up! So with school and this new job I imagine I'll be staying pretty busy. Learning to manage my time and budget has been a big lesson for me so far this year, but this year has also been one of the best in a long while. Thanks Jesus for all the doors you have open, and shut. Life is truly wonderful.

Oh Hai :)

2010-05-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

It's time for an update! I promise this blog will be more cheerful.
So where to start? Life is pretty much the same, nothing really new and exciting, just super busy with school. A new clinical rotation started this week. Im at Mercy West now and so far I really like it. Working in acute care has really helped me realize what I want to do, and what I really do NOT want to do. I do not want to be a floor nurse, at least not when I'm first starting out. The pace isn't quick enough for me (no offense to any of you floor nurses of course!). So here is my new and almost set-in-stone gameplan: I will be graduating in March (yay!). After I graduate I will be studying to take the NCLEX to become licensed. After that I will either A) work in the prison system or B) work in acute care as an OR nurse (one of the only departments still hiring LVNs in acute care). While working as a LVN I plan on going back to school ASAP to get my RN. Finally, after I am all finished with that, I would like to work in the Emergency Room for a while. I really love it there! It's fast paced. Constant admits and constant discharges. Plus, you see pretty much everything! Also, the adrenaline rush is pretty amazing. All this isn't set in stone obviously but so far, I really think I know where I'm heading.
Which brings me to another thing. It's nice to actually be doing something that I am truly passionate about. I know for an absolute fact that this is what I want to be doing, and will be doing, until I retire. Chris, thanks bud for helping me to find my passion. I just wish you were here so I can share all the fun nursing stories with you. I think you would enjoy them :)
Apart from school, all is going pretty well. Money is still tight but it will be like this for a couple more years at least. I guess its my lesson in truly learning how to budget. All in all, God has been good (when isn't he?) and he has really been my strenght to keep me motivated and going to class despite some anxieties.

Wit's End

2010-05-09T21:02:00.001-07:00

Well, I haven't updated in a while. I swear almost all of my new posts start off with a sentence similar to that but its the truth. Blogging isn't so easy these days. Its not that there isn't anything going on, its just I don't know how to put it into words anymore. I suppose trying every once in a while doesn't hurt though.
I just recently got out of a relationship. Ugh. I think I just need to stop getting into them so i don't have to worry about getting out of them. Anyways, this one sort of stumped me. It started out well, real well. It was the first relationship I've ever had where I really put God first and I worked hard to keep Him as the forefront. Do I think that really continuously happened? Probably not, but this was also the first time that I had strict boundaries and stuck to them. I was proud of myself for that. However, on the other end, my efforts aren't the only thing that keeps a relationship intact, and happy. It relies on his efforts as well. This is the part that confused and hurt me. Things were wonderful starting off. Two imperfect people with a passion for God and watching God work in each others lives. Then he started showing possessive and controlling behavior. Luckily I was able to recognize this and talk about it with close friends to make sure it wasn't just me. So I chose to broke it off because I knew where it was heading, all of my other relationships that I got caught up in were controlling ones and I wasn't going to go through that again. Once I broke it off, he showed who he truly was, and I know for sure that I made the right decision. I'll admit, it shook me a little. I honestly thought that it was a relationship God wanted, but obviously not. At least I'm making progress I suppose.
In the midst of all that, relay for life came in to town. This year was tough, not having John or Chris there to support. Its all about hope but I sort of felt hopeless this year. It was still nice to see a community unite for such a worthy cause. And its always wonderful hanging out with the team, we are all so invested in it. Our lives have all been forever changed by cancer, so fighting back isn't really an option, its a requirement. I ended up staying the whole night which surprised me but didn't make it to church.
Which brings me to another point. My attendance is definitely not so great. Last week Realy wore me out, and this week it was panic issues. I can't help but think that's really an excuse though. Satan has a stronghold again, and I know ultimately, that is what's affecting my anxiety and attendance. Ugh. Just for one day I'd like things to be simple and easy but I don't think that is going to happen any time soon. I still have so much to work through and when I slack for just a moment, i feel like I'm racing to get back where I was.
Yesterday I really just wanted to give up. I was so frustrated. So tired of feeling sick, and anxious, and miserable. I wanted to just lay on the floor and not get up, just sit a wallow in my misery for weeks on end. I know I can't do that, and I know I ultimately don't want to but some days whatever is going on (or not going on) in this brain of mine just pushes me to the edge. I can feel my anger getting out of control, one moment i'm sad, the next moment I'm furious. Even now a range of emotions is coming over me like an ever changing mood ring. I just want it to STOP. I think I should end this blog now before I throw up all my thoughts and sorrows into the world wide web.

30 DF Days 1-3

2010-03-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

So, Sunday evening my church, The Way Fellowship, started a 30 day fast. This fast is very different from any other that I have done. Instead of fasting solely from food (we will do a food fast the last week) we our fasting from comforts and luxuries that Americans sometimes confuse for necessities. Sunday night we fasted from our beds. Wow. Sleeping on the carpet sucked, majorly. I tossed and turned a lot, I couldn't stay asleep, and my hips were in a tremendous amount of pain. I made it through the whole night but felt horrid in the morning. I couldn't help but feel so much compassion for those who do that every night. In fact, they don't get a carpet to sleep on with comfy pillows and a nice soft comforter. I am so spoiled and blessed that I have a bed to sleep in every night.
The second and third days are fasting from convenience/electricity. I didn't think fasting from electricity would be too bad until I tried finding my pajamas in the dark and going to the bathroom in darkness. It was definitely an eye opener. I also usually sleep with a night light that I went without last night. Once again, I am so blessed to be able to have plenty of light with the flick of a switch.
Today I was going to fast from transportation but found out that the bus schedule stops before I get out of school. So i decided to walk to the store to get my water supply for the day. I only brought exact change with me to see what it feels like to only have enough money for an actual necessity. I really wanted to buy pizza on the way, or candy, etc., but I needed water. So I bought a gallon of water and carried it back home. Even though the store isnt very far, carrying a gallon of water back home was not easy nor fun. It's amazing that everyday children wake up off the ground and walk miles to fetch water in buckets and carry it back home. I am so blessed that I can just walk to my fridge to get water.
Lord, thank you for all these luxuries in my life that I always considered necessities. It's only day 3 and already this fast has started to open my eyes. What an awesome oppertunity.

Just some rambling

2010-02-13T20:16:00.001-08:00

It seems like the more I dive into the study I am doing and dive in to the word of God the more I realize that Christianity really does take a lot of courage. Since becoming a difficult, life certainly has not become any easier. In fact, it may in fact actually be more difficult. What I'm saying is, now that I am following God I am so convicted of so many things. Years ago I would have never felt guilt for the things I have done or thought, and I wouldn't have dreamed of changing anything. Now not only do I feel guilty, I have to work extra hard to change patterns that have been dragging me down for half my lifetime. Yet, even on this more difficult path, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It may be hard now, but I know it will pay off. I could throw it all away and take the easy path but all that would do is lead me to destruction. Its just different. Its like I'm waking up from a coma. I can feel again and I'm admitting that at times I really wish I couldn't. My heart breaks so much more often these days. I can't not care anymore, although there are times I really wish I didn't. I don't know what lies ahead but I do know that I am truly changing from the inside out. Its remarkable yet scary. Beautiful yet difficult. I used to look at Christians like cowards; people who were afraid to live their life to the fullest. I realize now that I was completely wrong. I am now living my life to the fullest, taking the biggest risks, and facing my biggest fears. Its hard to describe really, coming from a life full to the brim of sin in to a life full of peace and love. It's definitely a new feeling and a new way of conducting my life.I hope someday, when I have broken my habits and started a new, healthier cycle, that I can share my struggles with kids, teens, young adults, etc., and show them through my mistakes how amazing our God really is. He really does forgive every sin, and He really does heal every wound. Its not easy, I don't think it ever will be, but it's all worth it.

Freedom

2010-02-01T00:08:00.000-08:00

I've been dealing with a lot lately but things are starting to look up. I'm not saying anything is getting easier, I'm saying God's amazing peace has been flowing through me. I've been working hard to put Him first and its amazing what He has been blessing me with. I feel completely renewed. My soul is happy again. I'm able to be more social, and my anxiety is under control for the first time in the past few years. What a wonderful God we have. Life is still throwing obstacles at me but I feel so empowered by the Lord.
Speaking of empowered, I finally finished my letter to Lisa Green, the woman who rejected my sexual assault case back in October. I'm ready to send the letter out, I'm ready to move on. In order for me to do that, I need to know that I did everything possible to hold this guy responsible for what he has done to me. I'm sure he has been able to move on with his life with no problems, but he really has impacted mine. I'm ready to tell Lisa Green how I feel. I she wronged me and every other woman that has been raped. What she does with the letter is her choice but knowing I sent it, and I'm going to be heard, is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
It's been a rough road that I was stubborn enough to try and walk alone but I think I have finally, truly, surrendered to God and I'm going to let him cleanse me from the inside out. I pray that I stick to my daily prayer routine, to the study Dawn and I are doing, and to continue to seek God in everything. With God I hold my head up high with confidence, knowing that He is on my side, He will protect me, and in Him I am free. :)

Update

2010-01-25T17:36:00.000-08:00

Since my last blog, "Prayer Request", I have felt like God is really showing me the route I need to take. So for those of you who prayed for me, thank you so much. Prayers have definitely been answered. It's so strange yet so awesome how God puts certain sermons, passages, etc. in your life at precisely the right time. Since the request for prayer, I have come across several teachings in my daily activities that have spoken about anxiety and how to deal with it through God. It's exactly what I needed when I needed it. Also, Dawn and I are starting a study together called "Breaking Free". It's a Beth Moore study and although I am not far into it, I enjoy it. So now please pray that God will continue to show me the way, and that this study will be a wonderful tool to break free of my strongholds and grow closer to Him. Thank you again for all the prayers, God really does answer them :).

Prayer Request.

2010-01-17T14:40:00.000-08:00

So, I'm updating today to just ask for prayer.
I don't quite feel comfortable disclosing the situation(s) on the internet, but if you ask me personally I will try my best to accurately describe what's going on. In short, I am having many psychological, emotional, and behavioral issues basically stemming from the incident in October as well as certain childhood incidents. I thought I could get through everything alone, or with the help of therapy, but obviously that's not cutting it. So I really need a lot of prayer, and praying just on me doesn't seem to be cutting it either. So, if you can, please pray for healing, for peace, for guidance, and for self control. Thank you.

Happy

2010-01-14T00:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what this entry is going to be about, or even if I will post it (if you're reading this, I obviously decided to post it). All I know is that nothing seems to be getting easier and I just really need to vent.
I decided to wean myself off my meds (actually, I did it cold turkey but whatever) and as expected things are really good, except for this lovely little thing called anxiety. Yeah, it's completely out of control. Chest pains, panicking, restlessness, all that good stuff is back. Yet, I don't want to try medication again just yet. I have a feeling that I can control my anxiety by myself, and with a little therapy. I think it's out of control at the moment mostly because life has been, well, interesting. I really haven't been happy at all. Everything just seems way too difficult. I feel like family is angry with me, God is disappointed in me, and I'm abandoning anything and everything I once loved (not on purpose of course, I'm just unable to do much of anything these days). It sucks. Today has been the worst day so far. Maybe everything just finally sank in. I don't know but I just want to call it quits. I can't even talk to God right now because, frankly, I don't know what to say. Maybe start out with an apology? But that's about as far as I get. I know it's all my fault so I don't see why it would be fair to ask God to make it all better. I really wish I could just start over. I really wish I had my best friend here, to tell me what to do and make everything ok. She would get it. As for everyone else, I don't think they can. There is so much that I'm ashamed of. Things that I have let happen, or even helped to put in motion. I keep wondering if it's really ever going to be worth it to just get back up and keep trying. School is great so far, really positive, but even then I still wonder what's going to happen next? Is something going to come along,or am I going to do something stupid, and have everything taken away again? I know life isn't suppose to be easy but I occasionally look at others' lives and wish my life would just stop spinning. I know all this can't possibly make any sense to you but it all makes sense to me. I feel like my soul is blackened. Like I've become certain things I said I never would, and have let certain people influence me for the worst when I should be focused on God. I just want things to be okay again. That's all it really comes down to. I just want to be able to walk out my door and not thing about all the negative, and be afraid of all the possible negatives. I really want to be happy. That's really all it comes down to but I really think i forgot how.

2009-12-31T20:21:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be the start of a new year and I'm quite uncertain about how I feel about it. This year has been extremely difficult. I would like to say I won't miss 2009 whatsoever but there are parts of this year that I will truly cherish for the rest of my life. However, there are also parts of this year that I wish I could easily place out of my mind. I don't think I have ever been this emotionally vulnerable in my life and I never want to experience that again. I hope 2010 will be a year of peace and joy yet I really don't see that happening. There is still so much I am dealing with, and so much I have to do. On the positive side, I will be starting school again to become a licensed vocational nurse. I am very excited for this oppertunity but this will be a huge challenge financially and emotionally. I am really afraid of the oncology units I have to complete, but I at the same time I know I can handle it, and hopefully I can use what has happened this year to inspire someone else.
So, goodbye 2009, and hello 2010. I can't quite say I welcome you with open arms but I hope you will be good to is all.
Also, thank you God for the blessings you have bestowed on me this past year. I know you will continue to bless me and be there for me. I hope only to serve you better in 2010.

What's Christmas like in Heaven?

2009-12-25T00:42:00.000-08:00

The Holiday Season seems to be a very bittersweet time for me. Since I lost my grandmothers a few years ago, it has never been the same. It feels almost empty. Now, with two more recent losses, the Holidays really do seem quite empty. I found myself crying out of nowhere several times in this past week. I would be driving somewhere and suddenly tears would be flowing down my face. Not cool. Today, as I was missing my grandma dearly, I started thinking. What is Christmas like in Heaven? I mean, Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ, so I imagine they celebrate it. I like thinking it is the greatest Christmas imaginable, but not in terms of all the materialistic things we value on this Earth. I like to think its full of love, family, and watching us down here on this Earth like a Christmas movie. I like to think that Heaven's streets are decorated like no one could ever imagine, and everyone is wishing Jesus a happy Birthday. It seems like a lot of people down here seem to forget that Christmas really is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, our savior. The most important birthday of them all. I want to celebrate just that one year. No presents, just family and fellowship. That's what I think Christmas in Heaven is like. No wish lists, holiday obligations, and horrible traffic. Just enjoying time with our families and our savior. So to Grandma, Meemaw, Chris, and John, I hope you can send some of Heaven's Christmas celebration down to Earth and I can't wait to spend Christmas with you all once again.
Merry Christmas everyone :). I hope this Christmas you focus on what really matters, and may it be a wonderful day to celebrate the most important birthday of them all.

Let The Waters Rise

2009-12-15T19:11:00.000-08:00

Mikeschair "Let The Waters Rise"
Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but i can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You

[Chorus]
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

[Chorus]

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You

God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

[Chorus]

That song pretty much sums up what I'm feeling right now. I'm fearful, my world has turned upside down, and when I pray nowadays I am constantly brought to tears. Yet I still trust God completely. I will follow Him because He is so much bigger than any of my fears, anxieties, and worries. God is still so good through all the turmoil of this life. Things may not be getting any easier but without God, there is no way I would have made it through this year. It's through the tough times of this year that I have learned so much about myself, so much about God, and so much about His plan for me. I can't imagine a life without my faith, and that is wonderful thing. We are so loved by our Heavenly Father, and nothing we can do will ever change that. Love on this Earth is conditional but the Father's love is never ending. How awesome is that?
When things get rough, I mentally go back to that river in Africa. A place where I made a promise to my amazing father, to follow Him to the ends of this Earth, and to serve Him all the days of my life. I know by remembering my promise I made to Him, its easier to remember all of the promises He has made to me. I will never be able to wrap my head around why God works the way He does, and why He cares so much for someone so undeserving, but that's what makes Him so wonderful.

I went to write one thing and it turned into another...

2009-12-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

Involuntarily I have been off klonopin for about two weeks now. I take klonopin to help manage my anxiety. However, one of the side effects of klonopin that I have never enjoyed is memory loss, the same effect that seroquel had on me as well. I also joke around about my short-term memory problems but in reality its not so funny. Unfortunately medication is necessary and in these past couple weeks I have remembered that.
I don't know if I can blame this on the lack of mind altering drugs lately, or on the recent assault, but I have unfortunately been remembering many things from my childhood that I knew I had forgotten for a reason. Remembering them seems to do more bad then good but here is me trying to put a positive spin on things. I recognize that my fears and anxieties didn't just materialize out of nowhere and now, finding the source of these inconvenient feelings, I am able to work on them in a more efficient manner. Also, I know realize that the two completely lifestyles I grew up with really ended up giving me two frames of mind which I toggle between seemingly involuntarily. I have a rational, reasonable, predictable side of me where I need to calculate the outcome before I make any decision. Then, I have the side of me that will literally say eff it; no matter what I do the same patterns will repeat over and over.
Well, they have repeated for about 20 years now. Same cycle, same feelings, same endings. Over and over again. Yet, there is a force much stronger than me working harder than I ever have. For every mistake that has been made, over and over, there has been a lesson, over and over. Until recently, I didn't get why I always fell into the same traps and how, like clockwork, that cycle would come and go. I see it now, and I understand it. God can't transform me, He can't work from the inside out, until I'm ready to face my fears, to learn from my mistakes, and consult God in every thing that I do. For the past few years I thought I had been doing that, but I see that I was just bargaining with God saying, "Alright God, I'll let go of this if I can just keep this other thing over here." That's not how it works. God doesn't to bargaining because He knows me better than that. He knows I need to give it all up. To deal with it and to finally hand EVERYTHING over to Him. Including things that happened fifteen years ago that I can barely remember. If I want to stop the pattern, and if I want God to work wonders in me, I need to be more willing, more sacrificial, and more reliant on Him.
I thank God for the clarity and I thank Him for the strength He gives me to do the things I know I have to do. If I can predict next year, I know it will be hard. It will be full of cleansing that I have never experienced before. It will run wild with tears of both pain and joy. Most importantly, if I continue to learn, it will be a wonderful year of growing closer to my maker and a year closer to permanently getting myself off these meds. Who knows, by the end of next year, I may be medication free. What a wonderful day that will be.

Weeping for my safe place

2009-12-01T22:47:00.001-08:00

There has been so much going on in the past few years that sometimes I just break down and sob. I wish I was just sobbing for the recent things, but it's the accumulation of the past two years that makes me just break down. As I'm weeping right now, I realized that it all somehow goes back to the biggest loss in my life, my Grandmother.
I miss her horribly. Worse than that. She came up in therapy today and my therapist brought up such a great point. Grandma was my safe place. No matter what was happening in my life, no matter how bad I hurt, she was always there to make it all better somehow. I knew that with her, I was safe. I didn't realize how important that safety was to my life until I somehow remembered some pretty traumatic stuff in my childhood, and recognized a horrible pattern in the generations of my family. Grandma was the one who fought for me, my voice was heard through her. She was truly the one who saved me from myself, and now I realized she also saved me from my family. Without her, I think I'd just be continuing the vicious cycle but because she fought so hard on my behalf, I am so proud to say that it all ends with me.
I wish she was here daily. Especially this year. I need her comfort, her strength, her voice. Mostly, I need my safe place. I want that refuge and stability. I want her to fight for me, to help me be heard. I seem to miss her more and more as time goes by, as life gets harder and I feel so alone in so many decisions I have to make. If she was here, she'd be so upset. She'd be so angry to see what has happened to her family, how we've just fallen apart and forgotten about all the important little things. What a wonderful day it will be when I get to see her again. When she can welcome me home, and once again I will be safe. Until then I pray that God gives me strength and I thank him so much for the safe places I do have.
But it's days like this, when I weep for my safe place. Wishing I could be there to sit safely and just watch the storm as it goes by.

God's little reminders

2009-11-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

"Lord, I am your daughter who longs to serve you, I trust your words. Do your work, for I have confidence that it's good."

I found this while sorting through some of books. I wasn't looking for anything in particular,just something interesting to put on my new shelf that I installed in my bedroom. I found the book "Through the Looking Glass: And what Alice found there". This is the original "Alice in Wonderland" and it's an original copy of the book. This book was given to me by my grandmother when she found me in the shed sorting through, and reading some of her old books. I begin to open the pages of the book and found a piece of paper that I used as a bookmark. It was a prescription for Restoril that i was prescribed at Fresno state for sleeping issues. On the back of that paper, was the quote above, written by me. I don't remember writing this quote, in fact, I barely remember being prescribed something for sleep. At that point in my life, I was already having issues with Steve and really the most I remember about my freshman year of college is constant overdosing. That's why that quote intrigues me so much. Maybe I wrote it as a prayer, as a cry to God. Maybe someone told me to write it down. I have no clue. But i do know that quote is exactly what I needed right now. Its easy to just ride the rollercoaster and forget what life is really about. I long to serve the Lord, to glorify his name. I trust in home, even when the enemy preys on my weaknesses. I have confidence in the Lord, his works are good. All He does is for good. It may not seem like it right now but someday I'll look back and realize what God is doing here.
Thank you God for the small things, for forgotten notes like this, that seem to "reappear" at just the right times. I feel empowered again, strengthened. I feel reassured that I am taking the right steps and God is looking down on me, proud to say that I am His daughter. That's so nice to think about. I hope Grandma is looking down too, proud to see her youngest grandchild fight the good fight. Lord, I am your daughter who longs to serve you. I trust your words, do your work, for I have confidence that its good.

Mute

2009-11-19T13:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in a long time. Mostly because I either haven't had much to write or I just wasn't ready to share what had been going on. Well, I'm still not ready but I'm quite angry so i thought i'd let some of it out.
Life lately has been rough. I know I use that term quite a lot but this time I don't mean measly ups and downs, I mean some serious stuff has happened and with everything else that has gone on these past few years, I've had enough. I'm in physical and emotional pain now and the worst part is i feel like I have absolutely no voice.
About a month ago I was sexually assaulted in my own home. I won't state details because that is not the purpose of telling you all about it. The purpose is, it is so hard for someone to get Earthly justice when something like that happens. Since the incident, I have been working hard to get the Judicial system to just listen to me, to hear me out. They decided not to press charges, stating that the offenders explanations were reasonable. In fact, the soon to be District Attorney pretty much blamed me for the entire incident. What a slap in the face. Dwell on this for a moment, and I'll get back to it.
Also recently, I have been in an incredible amount of pain, due to my hip. I've been through this before; Doctors, x-rays, MRIs, medications, etc. all leading nowhere. I dropped it a couple years ago but the pain is so intense that this week I decided to do something about it again. Saw my doctor, and she wasn't concerned. She simply referred me to the pain management department and said they would get back to me within a week. Does excruciating, intolerable pain mean nothing to the Doctors that are suppose to make you feel better? Well, today I really couldn't handle the pain so I went to the hospital. The doc there said it was bursitis. I said they ruled that out a few years ago. He insisted it was bursitis so I let him inject my hip with an excruciating shot of cortisone. Yeah, that helped..not. He told me give it a week, although he was stumped as to why the anisthetic he gave me wasn't making the pain any better, just worse.
So those two things bring me to the title of this blog. I feel like I have no voice, anywhere. Im shut down by the courts, I'm shut down by the doctors. I'm shut down by the people who are there to help me. I could sit there and scream at them if i wanted and I know it would be going through one ear and out the other. What has happened in society where one person does not have a voice? Or is it just me? At this point, I'm at the brink of giving up. I pray for God to give me strength and let me be heard but I fear i'm just so tired of all this. I simply cannot take it anymore. I'm mute. I scream and scream and scream and no one hears me, no one does anything about it. I'm lost, confused, but mostly angry. I haven't been this frustrated and low in years. I'm on mute.

Hi

2009-10-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I know I have posted in a really long time. I'm still unsure of what to say these days. There have been some amazing moments and there have been moments where i've really had to rely on God to pull me through. Life has definitely changed. So have people. I don't know how to quite put it so I won't elaborate on it. Quite frankly, things just suck. I mean, I have spiritually grown so much and I know I have impacted a few people with my faith and with Chris' story but I can't write a blog and pretend everything is going perfectly. It's still hard to focus on schoolwork and keeping my meds is a hassle. I swear sometimes that if it's not one thing it seems to be another. I know God is still good though so I just keep going. Go until I get a no from God and I guess that's just the way I need to do things to get through all this change. Well, there is a small update I suppose. I hope all of you are doing well.

Sigh

2009-08-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what to say here but I feel that I need to write something.
Chris' memorial was on Saturday and it was beautiful. John Bryant shared a great message and it was nice to hear some stories from Chris' friends. coworkers, and even acquaintances. It was very nice to see the number of people that showed up. Such a testimony to a wonderful person. I must admit, as beautiful as the memorial was, it was very difficult to sit through. I felt like I was hit by a truck, for lack of a better example. It made Chris' passing real. Not that it wasn't before Saturday, it just made everything so final. So I guess now life is suppose to move forward but I feel somewhat stuck. People say things get easier with time but in this situation, it feels exactly like the opposite. Everyday I still go to the Champions, and everyday it gets harder. Things just don't feel right without Chris. We had a barbecue last night and it just felt weird to me. Chris was missing, and there is no way to fix that problem. It's really a hole in my heart that only God will be able to fill.
Also, my sleeping pattern has yet to become normal again. I am so deprived of sleep and I am sure that is not making any of this better. I'm unsure how to fix that as well. I have a Doctor's appointment next week so hopefully we can discuss how to treat the sleep deprivation.
Like I said, things just feel weird. I find myself writing this midday at work in a horrible attempt to keep myself from a complete breakdown. I really hate all this. I'm not angry at God, just upset at the situation. I know that, even through death, Chris is continuing to touch so many lives and I'm being so incredibly selfish wishing that he was still here but I can't help it. Also, if I feel this way, I can't imagine how Chris' family, and Emily is feeling. I actually feel quite selfish for posting a blog about my heartache when I know others are suffering much more. I just can't quite help it. I miss Chris so much. I miss our theoretical conversations, his theories on certain biblical passages, and his jokes about my love life that always contained a serious and true message. I'm sad that my future husband and my future kids will never have the chance to meet Chris. I am also sad that my brother and mother were unable to meet him because I believe he would have truly inspired them like he did me.
I should probably end this blog because at this rate I could seriously go on forever. For those of you who are missing Chris, just as I am, I pray for all of us everyday and I know Chris is praying for us to. May God fill that void we contain in our hearts and may He comfort us. If I know one thing, I know that Chris wants us to know he is truly happy and we need to keep our eyes upon the Lord. Thank you to those of you who have been praying for aching hearts. Your prayers are definitely being heard and answered. God is still good, and He is still victorious. That's really all I have to say right now.

A week

2009-08-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

So, It's been a week and I really don't know what to say. I miss Chris very much. Everything just seems so different. I've been spending nights at home lately and I really don't like it. I truly sleep horribly and I wake up to so many cruel dreams. I'm still in denial I will admit. I still can't believe Chris isn't here and I really don't want to believe it. All I can do is keep praying to God and praising Him for the little things and asking Him for comfort and strength. Even through the sadness and anxiety, have been able to focus and act on things that Chris has inspired me to do. I am ready for school to start so I can get closer to getting my bachelor's of science in Nursing. Chris really inspired me to get into the medical field and through helping to take care of Chris, I know that I am more than capable of acing my classes to help other cancer patients strive.
Thank you Chris so much for being such an inspiration. You have softened my heart and helped to show me what my passion truly is. You're amazing bud and I can't wait to share your testimony with anyone who will listen. I am so proud to be your friend.
Saturday is going to be so hard. I'm not ready for it but I know as long as I keep focused on the Lord, everything is going to be okay.

Until I see you again

2009-08-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to update my blog for a very long time now but I just haven't known what to say.
Yesterday evening, Chris Champion passed away. Friends and family had been gathering around him for days, preparing their hearts and saying their goodbyes, but I don't believe anyone can fully prepare themselves for the death of a loved one. Last night was filled with tears, praise, and worship. It was amazing to me that even through all the sadness, we could still give God thanks for so many things. That's really a te4stimony to Chris. Just like his father, he wanted to give all the Glory, through his life and even death, if God called him for it. In his 20 years here, he has affected so many people. His wisdom and faith far surpassed his age. I'm so proud to say that Chris was my best friend, more like a brother than anything. I am so happy that I was able to spend the last three months helping him to get better, and even when he didn't, I'm glad I just got to be there for him, making him as comfortable as possible. Although my heart is aching terribly, I get comfort in knowing Chris is with his Heavenly Father and his dad, John. I especially get comfort in knowing Chris now has a glorified body. He can run, and jump, and dance, without pain or a limp. He can sing and praise without worrying about what the next scan is going to show, or how the next surgery is going to go. He was so brave, so gracious, and so faithful. I learned so much from my friend, lessons that I will always hold dear to my heart and never forgot.
I spent last night at the Champions, just like always. It was difficult to say the least. I longed to hear Chris breathe, I even longed to hear that stupid oxygen machine. I just wanted something to let me know that this was all just a dream, or a really cruel trick. But the silence of morning showed that Chris is indeed gone from this world. I'll admit I still am in shock, I'm not sure if it has really sunken in completely, and I fear for when it does. However, I will keep my eyes fixed on the Lord, just as Chris would want me to.
Goodbye Chris. I love you buddy and I can't wait to see you again. Please pray for us.

Comment from a wonderful sister in Christ

2009-06-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

This person whom I do not know, but attended a Bible study with Dawn, left a comment on my previous post that really touched me. Really, it was one of those God things when He knows you need to hear something at a specific moment in time and He uses someone here on this Earth to tell it, or in this case, write it to you. This was a part of her comment that was just amazing to me:

"You said in your blog that God never gives us more than we can handle. That saying is a famous one, but it isn't in the Bible. The thing I have seen as I have studied the lives of His people over and over is that He almost always gives us more than we can handle ... so that we lean on Him -- because NOTHING is more than HE can handle. We need to know that life is always more than we are able to manage (even when it seems otherwise) and we will always be able to find our strength and stability and peace in Him."

That was seriously something that I needed to hear in order to understand a little more of this situation and it makes perfect sense to me. If God only gave us what we as human beings could handle we wouldn't need Him and come to Him. It is so important for us to lean on the Lord and give our worries and our struggles to him. That's what he wants us to do and its times like these when we really do learn to lean on Him and rest in His arms. So, thank you Patty for being an amazing vessel and thank you for sharing those words that truly enlightened me. God bless :)

It's all about Jesus

2009-06-01T01:17:00.000-07:00

The past month has been very hard, and not just for me. Chris has been in the hospital for nearly a month now and I must admit there were a few times where my faith in God was tested. There were some days where we weren't sure if Chris was going to make it through to the next day but amazingly, and by God's grace, he is still fighting and seems to be slowly improving. It took all I had to trust God and to continue to pray for healing. They say God never gives us more than he could handle but at times it felt as though he was about to cross that line. I can't even begin to explain the roller coaster of emotions I have felt this past month. All I know is if i wasn't a believer, I would have lost it a while ago. I kept thinking about that last week, about my faith and about Chris and how I am just so thankful God put him into my life. Chris truly worked as a vessel for God to reach me and brought me closer to the Lord. It was Chris' strong faith that truly got me through this month. I knew that I could never give up because I knew Chris wasn't going to. I wish I could see God's bigger picture at times because sometimes its so hard to have faith but I do know that He truly is confirmed and I do believe that this past month has strengthened my faith in Him. John Bryant was talking about how in the Bible it shows that in times like these God strips us of what we think faith is and brings us back to the root of it and how it is all about just trusting and believing that God is in control and He loves us so very much.
I must say I have been rejoicing and thanking God for little things lately. He really has stripped me down to the basics and I feel like I am seeing with new eyes. Everyday is a reason to rejoice and give praise. When Chris pulled out his ventilator I was so concerned and confused. But now I rejoice that we are able to hear his voice, even if it coarse and quiet. Just being able to communicate with him is amazing. It proved that God is victorious, He claimed His victory at the very start of our lives. Chris is slowly improving and I am trusting, in God's timing, that Chris will completely recover from this battling.I honestly believe that God is removing the cancer from his body, even if we can't see it yet. I was asked by a nurse in the hospital what the oncologists have said about Chris' life expectancy and I couldn't help but laugh a little. I proceeded to tell him that it doesn't matter what the scans show or what the doctor's may think (as proven by the last couple weeks!) because God is in control and God is restoring Chris' body. It felt so good to say that to a non believer and believe it whole completely. I think it was then when I got a glimpse of God's plan and the reasoning if why Chris has been in this hospital for so long. There are so many hearts that have been untouched and so many people who need God and I truly believe that by the time Chris is home and healthy, we will have planted a seed for God to nurture in the hearts of many non believers and hopefully we will see people coming to Christ just by witnessing this journey that we have all been a part of. It is hard but as John would say "It's all about Jesus". I truly believe that, and I know Chris does too. We will rejoice the day Chris is back at home and we will thank God for the people we have met and affected a long the way and hopefully Chris will be a patient that they will be inspired by and never forget. To God be the glory.

God is great!

2009-05-22T01:43:00.000-07:00

So I am updating my blog at nearly two in the morning to tell you all that Chris is doing so amazing! God is so great and he is truly answering our prayers. They have started to wake him up from his paralytic state and he can hear us and respond. They are waking him up because they changed a setting on his ventilator so he no longer needs his diaphragm to be paralyzed. This is great news! This means he is one step closer to getting of the machine and having a complete recovery! Thank you all so much for all of your prayers. Please continue to pray for Chris as he still has a rough road ahead. Thank you God for all you have done so far!

Shout it out!

2009-05-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

So, I know I haven't had a joyous post in a while so its time for one and all I really have to say is God is so good!
Yesterday Chris was in bad shape, and many of us didn't know if he would still be around. But this morning proved that all of our prayers did not go unheard. Chris is doing much better. He has an appetite and is off the breathing apparatus he had yesterday. Also, its two days in to his blood cultures and so far no staph has shown up. Amazing isn't it? I just wanted to go to the top of the mountain and shout to the world that our God is an amazing God! He answers prayers and He has a plan for all of us!God is so good and even though we were scared yesterday, we continued to trust in Him and man, He kept his promises. I cried tears of joy today and I cannot stop smiling. Our God is so wonderful.

Pray

2009-05-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

Well, its time to update again I suppose. Instead of focusing on what has been going on in my life I would like to focus this blog on Chris Champion and I hope all of you take some time out of your ay to say a prayer for him and his family.
Chris has been in the hospital for two weeks now. After a few blood tests we found out that Chris had contracted a staph infection in his blood. While fighting off the infection Chris began to have fluid build up in his body leading to pneumonia. Now he is struggling to take a breath and hooked up to all sorts of machinery.
So, please pray diligently. Chris has expressed having anxiety and fear so pray that God will provide him with peace and comfort. Pray that his body starts recovering from this sickness so that he may be able to return home to his friends and family. Also pray for his family (Dawn, Mihaela, and Dan) as well as Emily, that they may have peace and be able to comfort Chris in this difficult time.

Blog Fail...Oh Well, I tried

2009-04-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't updated in a while..Chris says I should so I'm going to try.
I'm not really in the mood to write but a lot has gone on since my last entry so I guess I should write something.
Well, first off, I should let you all know that Dan and I are no longer together. Honestly, I don't know what else to say except yeah, it did/does hurt and I'm trying to move on from it.
Also, I've been down lately.Probably because of what I just mentioned, so things have been a little hard on me. School is tough but okay. It's hard to keep focused but I'm trying. Maybe not as hard as I could be, hmmm...
Beyond that, life has been pretty much the same. I need to keep working on myself (which I have had a hard time doing) and I need to stay on track. Even writing this is a little difficult because I am confused on so much lately.

Ugh, so I'm gonna end this blog now because I'm babbling and it's making no sense. Haha

What an Awesome God

2009-03-12T02:11:00.000-07:00

I am reading a book entitled Next Door Savior by Max Lucado and it prompted me to put a little update on my blog. I started this book a long time ago. I read a few chapters and then set it down and forgot about it. Just like I kind of did with God for a while. I came to Him and rested in His arms but when times turned chaotic I walked away and forgot how it felt to be soothed by my Heavenly Father. I picked up Max Lucado's book tonight and started reading. It's amazing how God speaks to you through just a few words on a page. As you all know, life has been rough, but God is still so good. While reading I felt overwhelming peace and I knew that God was there with me, like He always is. It is easy to get caught up in this Earthly life. To let the worries of this world consume you and drag you down. But when you reach out a hand to God he pulls you up and out of those choppy waters. He lets you rest, knowing that you are safe and He is in control. How wonderful is it to have a father that cares so much for each of us, individually? We all have our own sets of worries and pains and God addresses them individually, providing us with exactly what we need. I know that I cannot walk through this life without my Savior by my side. I am weak, but He is so strong, and he is carrying me as I grow tired from this long road. I hope you all remember to take time out of your day to spend with God. Release all your worries, and place your burdens on Him. That's what he wants. He wants you to lean on Him, to depend on Him, and He will never fail you.

Life

2009-03-02T13:39:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't updated in about a month. And in that month, a lot of stuff has gone on. I wish I could say I was busy with joyful outcomes but to be honest, I've been busy with a lot of pretty heavy stuff. However, God is still great, even in these hard times.
So, if you haven't already heard or read, Chris had surgery to diagnose the nodules that were found in his lungs. The surgeon told us that it appeared to be osteosarcoma in the lymphnode, so he was certain it was osteosarcoma in the lungs as well. Not what we hoped for but God is still good and He has already claimed His victory over Chris' healing. We will just have to wait on God to see when he will heal Chris completely. I still stand firm in the belief that God's intention is to heal Chris completely. THis is just another bump in the road.
Also, Dan and I have hit a few bumps in the road as well. I must admit that the distance has put a strain on our relationship and from time to time we take our life stresses out on eachother. But somehow, that all seems to make us even stronger, putting even more confidence in the fact that we will mkae it through this deployment. We will come out of this a very strong couple, I have faith in that. So, its been rough but God is definitely waitching over us.
Also, it appears that I will be an Aunt. Hmmm...usually this is a joyful occasion for most families but this isn't exactly the ideal situation. My brother has impregnated a girl that he has known for a relatively short amount of time. He seems to be happy about this, and that is good, but the mother-to-be isn't exactly thrilled, and I don't blame her. Becoming a parent at this age (she is a year younger than me) is a very scary thing. Also, this unborn child is creating quite a bit of family tension. My father will not acknowledge the baby, because he still beleives that my brother has not proven himself as a man. I, however, will love this child just like you'd love a brother or sister. It is not the child's fault that this isn't an ideal situation and this baby needs the best possible chance at life that it can get. With that said, my brother really isn't talking to me, sadly. I didn't do anything wrong, he is just angry towards my father, and the things that my father has given me while supporting me during school. That makes me sad because even though me and my brother have never been close, he is still my brother and I love and miss him. I pray everyday that Bryan will be able to see that and put his anger towards my father and I aside so that we can heal our broken relationship.
So, that has pretty much been the last month, minus a few things that I do not wish to write about. Needless to say, it's been rough and in the past week I have found myself in kind of a deep depression, like a rut. So all I can do is pray anf thank God for all the blessings he continues to give me. Any other prayers would be greatly appreciated as well. Ged bless.

Memorial

2009-02-09T11:22:00.000-08:00

So, last Tuesday was John Champions memorial to honor his life. As Dawn said in her blog, it was a time of great joy mixed with sadness. It was truly awesome seeing how many people showed up to honor John. It really touched me to see how many people's lives he touched and I loved hearing some stories from the family members. I only knew John for a few years but in those years he has had a great impact on me. I got up to speak on behalf of the youth that he affected but I wasn't able to say the rest of what was on my mind so I thought I would put it here:
John was an amazing human being. Him and Dawn really helped me on my spiritual path and God used them to get through to me. I give John and Dawn so much gratitude for opening up their house to a bunch of teenagers and always being so selfless. It's amazing how I can rarely mention John without mentioning Dawn too, and that's because they were such a remarkable team. Their marriage is truly something I looked up to and I hope someday that I will have a husband that loves me as much as John loved Dawn. John tought me so many great life lessons, and he was truly like a second dad to me. I looked up to him and I still do. He truly loved the Lord and that love was so infectious. To me, he was a prime example of a servant of God and even his death has glorified the Lord. I take such peace in knowing that John now has a glorified body, he is no longer weak or sick. I miss him, I really do, and when it's my time to meet my maker I will be joyed to see John again. He will continue to be a part of my life and I could never forget the amazing compassion, hospitality, and Faith that he showed me. I truly thank him for letting me be a part of his life.
So those are just a few thoughts of mine about John. And through everything that has happened the past couple weeks, God has given me such great peace. I want my life to glorify God as well and I'm working hard towards that goal.
So Tuesday was a rejuvenating day, even though I was filled with great sadness. I am so glad so many people showed up. It just proves to me that God is victorious, even though some without faith may think otherwise. God is truly great and the service definitely gave glory to Him.

Pray

2009-01-27T20:04:00.000-08:00

Hey,
I'm updating this right now for one sole purpose and that is to ask everyone to lift up the Champions in prayer. John Champion has passed away and I'm sure the family is going through a lot. However, God is still good and he will strengthen this family in their time of mourning. Please pray for them, for peace and for strength. They have been amazing servants of God and John's Heavenly Father is proudly welcoming him into the gates of heaven.

"Prognosis"

2009-01-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

So, with everything going on with Chris and John (referring to the cancer of course) the most common question I've heard is: "What's his Prognosis?" I started researching the type of cancer Chris told me the doctor's thought he had and then, while reading statistics on the survival rates/prognosis I started to feel guilt. I realized that the word "Prognosis" was such a faithless word. I mean, why are we going to base our lives off of statistics? We live by God's grace, not human research. So, no, the "prognosis" may not seem great but I'm not concerned about that. My prognosis, because i'm a healthy 19 year old, is great and yet I could still drop dead moments from now. God decides when it's our time, not any statistic, so I'm going to start living by His time, not my own, knowing that every day is such a blessing. That's how I view it with Johna dn Chris as well. I don't care what their prognosis may be, I only care that every day they are here is a blessing and God will call them up in His time. Honestly, I don't think God will be calling Chris up anytime soon, he still has too much work to do for God on this Earth. So, next time you start researching statistics and looking at the lifetime prognosis, remember that God is in control, not us. God is greater than any medicine, any surgeon, and any medical machine. God has the power to say when we will go and He will call us up, one by one, when it is our time. And, when it is our time, we will have no fear because we know that we are going to live with our Heavenly Father. So now, when someone asks about John or Chris' diagnosis, I simply respond, "Who knows? God will call them when it's time. And that could be 90 years from now, and I hope it is."

God is Still Good

2009-01-19T12:42:00.001-08:00

Woah...so, this past week has been difficult, to say the least. School, work, and a friend had a Brain Biopsy. You can read all about it on his blog: kooseefoo.com or his mom's blog: http://championclan.blogspot.com/
As you'll see, Chris is doing very well, expecially considering he just had Brain Surgery on Wednesday. I'm constantly amazed by him and his family, and how strong their faith in God is. I have known them for a few years now and they have really helped me grow in my faith and become not just a believer in Christ, but a follower. Chris' surgery was Wednesday and eventhough the results weren't what we wanted, I was amazed at how we all gathered around and still rejoiced. Our God is still good no matter how rough the road seems. Wednesday was actually one of the first times that I felt strong in prayer, I felt God flow through me and I truly believe that He will heal Chris, I have no doubts. So, Wednesday was real tough day but I know that God has already claimed victory over Chris' cancer, the enemy has not and will not win.
So, from that note, Church on Sunday was amazing as well. I had other things stressing me through the week. God never gives you more than you can handle but he sure got close this time. But during communion at The Way Fellowship, I literally felt God place his hand on my head as I was praying to Him for healing and peace. I didn't realize how heavy of a load I was carrying until I felt God take all of my burdens. I felt so light. How Amazing is Our God that he loves us enough to carry our burdens for us? I am not deserving of His amazing grace but he gives it to me anyways because He loves each and every one of us. All I had to say was "Wow". I was just in complete awe of my Father in Heaven and I feel so truly blessed to know the Lord.
So thank you Chris for that bet, that I lost a few years ago, it helped me find my Savior again. And thank you John and Dawn for all the guidance you have given me, I look up to all of you. My prayers are always with you and remember, our God is the Almighty Healer, He can and will Heal.

New Year

2009-01-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess its that time to review 2008 and all its ups and downs...
2008 started off, well, I honestly don't remember and that's really my issue with 2008, I don't remember half of it. Honestly though, 2008 was probably one of my darket years. In the beggining of 2008 I was on my second semester at Fresno State. Took 2 Econ classes, a yoga class, Comm 8, and a Creative Writing Class. Creative Writing was Amazing...Taking 2 Econ classes at one time was amazingly stupid...COmm 8 was fun...and Yoga was the biggest load of crap ever. The remaining Winter months went by smoothly and then we hit Spring. Normally my favorite season of the year but this is where the problems of 2008 really started occuring. The ex and I were having issues (He was cheating) and my grades fell, dramatically. I was sick, and lost a lot of weight (and I looked great!). Summer was just about the same. Became engaged to that same ass of an ex and then fell brutally out of love all the while catching up with some old friends (and one in particular I grew much closer to). The end of summer sparked a new beginning and a difficult battle with myself. Four hospital visits later and I was on new medication with a new love (stange to put those two things in a sentence huh?). Fall brought new friends, good times, and a healthier, more vibrant me. Winter brought changes of all kinds: a new place to call home, a high school friend turned lover, and adjusting to a life loving a soldier. The year was rocky and even though it may have been one of my worst years, I probably learned the most in 2008. So for 2009 I predict happiness, healthy relationships, growing closer to God and to Family. It will be an interesting year for our Country and some hard times are on their way but as always, I will perservere and so will our Country. I predict 2009 will be a great year, but probably one of the most challenging yet for me. I wish you all a Happy New Year, and live every moment to it's fullest!

100th Post!

2008-12-30T13:35:00.000-08:00

Woohoo, it's my 100th post...Dunno if it's really worth celebrating but why not? Anyways, life has been fairly busy since my last post.
So, the family has sort of been at war. My brother made a dairly dumb decision in the beginning of October and neglected to tell anyone about it until November. Even then, he still neglected to tell my father and my mother actually had to contact my dad (and boy, that was messy). So, it's been tense. Christmas was nice though. My aunt and uncle came over along with my cousin and my grandpa. My gramps is such a cute old man, he really is a joy to have around. Some family friends came over for Christmas dinner and Dan joined us as well. I was really glad he volunteered to meet part of the family. It was kind of important to me.
Last week Dan was home. He came home on the 22nd and it was a great week. It was so nice to be with him again and just share some quality alone time as well as some great times with friends. Unfortunately, his stay wasn't very long and he had to return home on the 27th. That was hard for me. I really don't cry in public but i couldn't help it that morning. It's gonna be about six motnhs or so until I see him again. So, yeah, that's really going to suck. I'm just surviving his deployment one day at a time...
Oh! I also moved into my house 2 weeks ago. I love it! Thanks to EVERYONE who helped (Mj, Phillip, Dawn, Emily, Chris, Troy, and Heather). It would have been a much bigger task all by myself so I really appreciate all the help!
So, that's pretty much it for now. Work is still slow and life is still great. God is still amazing (and will always be).

Just Good

2008-12-09T18:40:00.000-08:00

Wow...it's been a long while since I have updated! So, what's new with me? Not too much actually, and I'm finding out that's a pretty good thing.
I'm hoping to start CSUB in January. I say "hope" because I kind of did a late application. Oops! Oh well...I am also getting a house, I am very very blessed and oh so excited! Pixel will finally have a nice green backyard to play in and I guess I'm gonna have to learn how to mow the lawn! Haha. It will be a big responsibility but I am so excited for it. Hopefully I will be moving in this weekend...
What else?...I have a new man in my life and he is nothing short of AMAZING. I've known him since junior year and we began to grow closer over the summer. It's really been quite great. He's very different from anyone else that I have dated and that all is a very good thing. He's also in the Army and currently in Mississippi, which does make things hard, but it's worth it. God definitely blessed me with a wonderful man :)
Besides that, I've just been working full time and continuing to improve on my mental health. The meds are working quite well. I have more energy, my memory is better, and I don't get anxious like I used too. It's real nice. Unfortunately, these meds have some major side affects so my doc wanted to test some things out. By "things" i mean running blood tests to check on my kidneys, liver, glucose, and thyroid. Well, everything was good except for my thyroid. Turns out, its hypoactive, meaning I don't produce enough of the thyroid hormone. This mostly means weight gain, yuck. So, I'm waiting to see what my doc wants to do about it...
So, I'm just living life and enjoying every part of it right now. I feel like I have started this great new chapter and I'm feeling really good for once in a real long time. Life is good, and God is certainly amazing!

Slow

2008-10-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

Life has been pretty slow lately, which has actually been a nice change. I'm taking a lot of time out for myself to fix everything and that is going really well. I'm pretty proud of my progress so far and I hope other people are noticing a positive change in me as well. I've been careful with getting back in to the swing of things. I work part time so that I'm able to still go through counseling and let my body continue to adjust to the meds that I have been prescribed. I really want to go full force ahead and be extremely busy and working hard and going to school and keeping a busy social life but I know if I did that right now I would just crumble under all the pressure so I've been learning to take things a little slower and hopefully soon I will be back to a normal schedule and a normal life. Beyond that, not a whole lot has been going on here. Just friends, family, and work. That's bout it...I'll update later.

New Chapter

2008-10-17T21:05:00.000-07:00

So, I feel like I'm starting a new chapter of my life and, I must say, I'm pretty stoked about it. I've been working a lot on me through an Intensive Outpatient therapy program (IOP) that I attend four times a week. It's suppose to be a three week program but I have managed to make it into four, haha. I've learned a lot to be honest. I've learned a lot about myself, and I've learned how to cope in a different and much healthier way than I generally do. Also, I am on medication for bipolar disorder and they are actually helping. I've never been a big medication fan but for once in a long time I feel stable. I still have ups and downs like any normal human being but that aren't as dramatic and catastrophic as they used to be. I feel kind of like I have my life back and I thank God every day that he gave me the strength and the courage to go get the help I needed and to be able to be so open about it. This new chapter is looking good, real good. I'm healthy and happy and things just seem to keep getting better. I have finished everything for Azusa Pacific University so I'm anxiously waiting to hear back from them. If accepted, which I am fairly confident about, I will be so ecstatic. It's a great school and I think it will be really positive as well to be surrounded by a large body of believers and to actually study God's word in my courses. Oh, and there a few other things going on as well but I don't want to ruin any surprises just yet :). Life is good, again. I've gotten rid of the things that were so toxic and have replaced them with positive influences and a lot of hard self work. I'm living life and loving every moment of it, just like I used to. New Chapter, New Life, another chance from God. Isn't He amazing?

Guns, Camelot, Games, and Pool

2008-10-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

So, you know how sometimes you just need a full day jam-packed with great people and great fun? Yeah, I've been needing one of those and yesterday was definitely it!
Went to Church in the AM and I helped out MJ with the Jr. Highers. I really liked it actually. Small group but I thought MJ's message was very good and they seemed to grasp it. After that, I went shooting with Dan, Justin, and Shelby. When we got out there we joined Thomas, Eric, and a kid named Slink, I think. Anyways, it was wicked awesome! I haven't shot anything besides a pellet or BB Gun up till yesterday so it was awesome shooting shotguns, rifles, a hundgun, and, oh yeah, an SKS. That thing was freakin' awesome! I even have footage of me shooting that Shelby took so hopefully that will be loaded up on my myspace or something. After that, we headed to Camelot (Shelby, Dan, Justin and I)and we did some arcade games, rode the go-carts and played some mini golf (i totally lost, ouch). Then, we joined up with Garrett and headed back to my place for some hanging out and drinking games. Then (yes, there's more) we headed to Corner Pocket and met up with a few more people. After that, we did a Taco Bell run and I went to bed. It was a jam-packed day of activities but it was so much fun! Anyways, I had to write, I'm still so stoked over shooting, it was awesome!

God Moment...

2008-10-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

So, you know when you just have one of those amazing God moments and you just want to shout it out? Yeah, I totally had one of those last night. I was reading Give It All To Him by Max Lucado last night. First off, this short book is really amazing. It basically retells the reason why Jesus died on the cross but in a more modern, relate able way (seeing as I wasn't alive thousands of years ago). There was a few sentences that really struck me and I really heard God speak to me through them: "Jesus himself chose the nails...So Jesus Himself swung the hammer." Wow! What a perspective this gave me. I was blown away. I instantly heard God telling me that He was going to lay out choices for me, that He was going to clear the path for me, and that He was going to cure me of whatever "illness" the doctor's say I have. it is going to be a journey but man, I got so excited! It's times like these that I really love, when I'm down in the dumps, carrying all of my burdens and guilts, etc. and God comes along and lifts them right of my shoulders and reassures me that everything will be alright. It's great. It's actually amazing!

A Lifetime

2008-09-29T21:03:00.001-07:00

Time to update, again...What's new? Too much is all I can say and I really don't feel like typing it all out quite yet. Here are a few things though: Steve and I are pretty much done talking. I don't know how I feel about that yet. One moment I feel sort of relieved because there is no arguing or anything but there were so many great aspects to our relationship too that I miss. Like the play fighting, the joking name-calling, and the RC racing. So, it's quite and adjustment that came at a REAL bad time, I've been going to a counselor and a psych for my manic episodes and they are almost completely positive that they are going to diagnose me with bipolar disorder. This means, a life time of medications and counseling from time to time to make sure everything is on track. So, that's really hard to accept right now but, there is worse than a mental disorder. I'll be okay as long as I keep trying...My friends and family have been great though. Thanks to all those who have texted me just to make sure i was doing okay, it really helps start my day. So, this is my life for now. A support group, and no work...
Oh! And i have a new love :). His name is Pixel and he is a one year old chihuahua terrier mix..He's great and helps a lot with aall this...
Anywho, thats bout it...ttyl

Small Mountains

2008-09-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

So, I guess I'll start at Labor Day Weekend. I went down to Fresno and stayed with a friend of mine in his dorm. I had a pretty good time honestly. I really missed all the guys this summer so it was great to go to the house and just hang out. I really loved it even though Sunday night had a bit of drama, i didn't let it skew my view of the weekend. I probably won't be back again but it was a great time to hang out with some great friends and say proper goodbyes.
So, since then, i've been pretty much working and adjusting to life as a non-student. It's pretty tough actually. I miss school so i will be very excited to start in January. Also, all the changes that have happened this summer have been so difficult. I don't really like being back in Bakersfield, especially since I decided to stay here because I thought I was going to get married. Also, as October 19th moves closer, it gets a little hard. Its like a constant reminder of all the sacrifices I made and all I ended up with so much pain. Yeah, I'm still recovering from that and it's hard. There's been a lot of changes, too many. Steve and I are still working through things and there have been so many changes with us. He's working now, has an interview with the Academy, and his grandmother passed away a few weeks. So, needless to say, he's been stressed. Which means he's been distant and we haven't had (to me) enough good, quality, time together. I'm not good at change, I never have been, and this is just too much all at once. Also, my job position has changed and I'm not liking it as much so it's been harder to get up and get things going in the morning. I'm just worried about too much. Oh, and I had a pretty sucky Birthday. Should have taken the offer to go out with some friends. Nothing like feeling unimportant on YOUR day...Anyways, with everything going on, i decided to FINALLY go to college group Bible study tonight. It was really nice actually. I completely felt God tonight and it was great to discuss God's word with some friends. I definitely will be attending more often. I've kind of drifted from God the past few weeks and I need to get back into actively studying His word again, I know it will help to comfort me through all this...
So, that's the update. I know, not to positive. Hence why I haven't been updating frequently. Anyways, keep praying. God is great and I know he has some AMAZING things in time for me. This is just a small mountain that I have to climb in order to get there.

Update

2008-08-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't updated in quite a while so, while I still have a few minutes left on my lunch break, I thought I would do that...
So what's new? Quite a bit. I have my own place now. I love living on my own. I have a cat named Jack and two turtles named Scuba Steve and Boxcar. Rent isn't too bad and I'm walking distance from work, the grocery store, Starbucks, etc. So, it was a good move and things went pretty smoothly. I'm broke now but it's okay because I'm happy.
Other than that, things have been pretty normal. Still talking with Steve. That can get interesting but oh well. I'm not in school at the moment. It would be pretty pointless because UTSA (University of Texas San Antonio) won't accept transfers from BC, I don't blame them. So, for now, I'm working full time and enjoying living on my own. I miss Fresno State a little bit but for obvious reasons that is, and never will be, an option. I'll come visit some time though. Don't know when, we'll see. Anyways, getting back to work now. Adios.

A Lot

2008-07-29T08:21:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...So, where to start?
Things have been hard, to be honest. I'd love to write an awesome blog with great and fulfilling updates but that really isn't the case right now. But, God is still good and I'm confident that in the end, after all is said and done, that everything will be just as it should be. But for now, there's quite a rough patch to get through and I must admit this is probably one of the hardest times in my life. When everything settles, I'll go into more detail but for now, some things are better left unsaid.
Anyways, I'll hopefully be moving to San Antonio, Texas within the next 5 months or so, maybe sooner. I think its time for a change, time to get out of california. The parents are very unhappy right now and its really hard to live at home so, I will be getting an apartment here in the next few weeks. Its kind of a lot to process, new apartment away from home and then Texas. A lot of "maybe's" and a lot of "what if's?". So, I just keep praying that God will continue to keep his hand on all this and that He will guide and help me along the way.

Ugh

2008-07-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

So, it's been two-weeks since the whole situation with Steve happened. I figured it would be a good time to write about what's going on. Or, well, write about some of it I suppose.
Steve and I have been talking (roll your eyes all you want). No, nothing is going on. Wedding plans aren't back on, and they never will be. We are only talking, as friends, and even that can be rocky. This past year has been difficult and honestly, i sort of have a pessimistic view about the upcoming months. Maybe I'm just being moody but I am certainly not happy with where I am right now. To be honest, it sucks. I know I don't really have the right to say that seeing as I have it pretty good compared to most people in the world but I can't help but feel like i'm on edge. It's rediculous actually. I feel kind of like a loonie. What I mean is, I feel like I'm at my wit's end. I'm short with people, I can't sleep more than a few hours a night, and I can't be decisive about anything. I'd like to move, but that's not realistic. I just don't like where things are heading. No offense to anyone (i don't know why anyone would take offense) but I don't like being back home. I'm angry that I will be here for at least one semester and I'm even angrier about going to BC. I really don't want to go. So far, my experience with BC has been pure and utter bullshit and I do not look forward to starting in the fall. I'd like to take a year off to figure stuff but that isn't an option either. I feel stuck. I feel angry actually, which is kind of odd because I'm not really an angry person at all. Ugh.

"It was then that I carried you"

2008-07-11T09:27:00.001-07:00

Well, if you read the last blog, you'll know that I'm going through quite a bit of hurt right now. On the other hand, God is great and he uses everything for good. I definitely see a silver lining now and I think something great can come out of this entire mess.
I saw a counselor yesterday evening. He was pretty awesome and definitely made me feel very comfortable. He's Christian, which is a HUGE plus and we talked for a while about faith as well. He helped sort out the issues with Steve and it was just nice to get everything off my chest and lay it on the table so we could see what was really going on. The visit was so helpful and I am feeling much better than i was just a few short hours before attending the counseling.
With that said, I still have a hard road in front of me. I have broken a lot of trust and I will have to work hard to repair that. Also, I have a lot of healing left in front of me and this definitely won't be the easiest thing to do but, with some help, I know I will come out of this much better than when I went in.
So, in the past few days, hearts have been broken and scary situations have occured but I am at peace right now in knowing that my Maker is going to take this and turn it into something beautiful. He has already affirmed some things so I'm pretty much just resting in God's arms and I know that He will be walking beside me through all of this.

A coworker gave me a key chain a while back that I just now thought about and this is what it says:

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow You, we would walk side by side through life but when I needed You most, I saw only one set of footprints in the sand. The Lord replied, 'I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.'"

God has definitely carried me the last few days...

Not Cool

2008-07-10T09:17:00.001-07:00

So, the last two days have been, well, rediculous i guess you could say, and definitely not in a good way. I recieved a text message from Steve tuesday morning (3am to be exact) and it basically stated that he couldn't go through with the marriage and that he was leaving town. Well, I followed him all the way to Fresno then I turned back around becausse I had work at 7:30am. Well, my boss gave me the day off and around 1pm I found out that Steve was having lunch with his ex. Definitely not cool. So, i pretty much lost it. I drove up to Fresno, drove around Fresno for a while to see that he and his ex were at her apartment. Uh, yeah, I pretty much snapped. It was almost like an out of body experince and definitely not a good one. I ended up at Shaver Lake, cops were called, and, well, I finally got back to Bakersfield yesterday around 11am. It's been pretty rough. I love Steve, I trully do, and I have never ever loved anyone like I love him but I am taking the advice of my family and peers to heal myself and to stay away from Steve. It won't be easy at all because this man truly is my best friend. So, prayers for my healing would really be appreciated and pray for Steve as well please, this hasn't been easy for him either...

Work, Friends, and Our Wedding

2008-06-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm really sucking at this whole updating my blog thing aren't I? Anyways, what's new for Brooke? A whole lot!

So, first off, if you haven't heard the exciting news, I'm getting married! Yup, you read that right, I, Brooke, am getting married to Steve on October 19th! I'm pretty excited for it. It's crazy thinking that in four months I'm going to have a husband and Steve and I are going to be our own family. It actually makes me a little speechless because Steve and I have overcome so many obstacles and I know that he truly is the one and only for me. What doesn't make me speechless, however, is planning this whole wedding in four months! I'm busy as it is but throwing a wedding into the mix is just crazy! We have Seven Oaks booked for the wedding and reception and we have all the food figured out already. However, what is taking so much time right now is the list of people who Steve and I would like to invite. I'm trying to keep it around 100 people but that is proving to be highly difficult! Oh well, if we go a little over, it's no biggie. Expect invitations in about a month!

So, besides the wedding (which is the only thing everyone wants to talk about!) life has been pretty good but pretty busy. I went camping for a night this past weekend. Just Chris, Emily, and I. It was definitely awesome to just take some time out and to pray together and enjoy some beautiful stars and a gorgeous sunrise. We definitely need to do that again with a big group of people. Monday the college group had a pool party at the Champions and everyone seemed to be buzzing about the wedding, lol. I talked to John and Dawn about it that night and even though they seemed apprehensive it was really great to hear that they were happy for me. Afterall, they have been like my other family. I also took the BC assesment this week and, as expected, i scored well. So, today, I am going to FINALLY register for classes.

So, that's pretty much it. Work is busy, School is being scheduled, and Steve and I have a wedding to plan. Life is looking good :)

Home

2008-05-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

I've been out of school since May 15th and I came back to Bakersfield on the 16th. So what have I been up to? Hmmm...not too much actually. I've been enjoying life and getting back into the swing of things. You know, work, friends, family. I even picked up a new hobby: golf. Yup, I'm a golfer! So, things are pretty good right now. I'm just enjoying the start of my summer. I really love Bakersfield, maybe not geographically but the people here really do make this place home.

And, for those of you wondering, Steve and I are working on things (i saw that eye roll, lol). No details need to be discussed just know that I am happy and continue to pray for me.

So, life is pretty good right now. God, friends, family, and a job that I love, who could really ask for more?

Oh, and Pastor Gary prayed for me at church this morning. All I can say is I just felt this amazing peace and amazing presence from God. It's like he was saying, "Don't worry, I've never forgotten about you." It felt pretty good. I definitely think that I'm doing things the right way now and God has much more in store for me.

Keep Truckin'

2008-05-12T01:21:00.000-07:00

I have two days left of my first year in college (Monday and Thursday) and all I can really say is, "Wow, what a year". These two semesters have certainly had their ups, and most certainly had their downs. From the death of someone so close to me, to falling in love again and having my heart broken. It hasn't been an easy year, and I'm not proud of every decision I have made but it definitely will be taken as a learning experience. Fresno really wasn't what I thought it would be (not that I had many expectations) but I really am sad to be leaving. I have made some great friends in the midst of all the turmoil and I will miss them tremendously. However, home will be good. It will keep me focused and bring up that GPA that I let fall so horribly. So, in this blog, I thought I'd maybe list what I've learned. Who knows, maybe you can learn from my mistakes?

1. Never take a mandatory attendance class at 8am (you are NOT going to go every time).
2. A social life is great but school comes first, boys come last.
3. Office hours are there for a reason, use them!
4. If you're not 100% on a future career, don't go into Freshman year with a major (if possible). You'll end up changing it a few times.
5. NEVER let God take a back seat in your life, He should be your top priority.
6. Love is great, but the Bible says to guard your heart, and for good reason.
7. Make wise, SOBER decisions.
8. Don't buy every textbook on your list, you're only going to use about half of them.
9. Keep tabs on your money, it gets spent fast!
10. Don't let a few haters get you down.

Well, that's a semi-review of the year. To those of you experiencing your first semester in the fall, best of luck! For the rest f us "college kids" keep truckin'!

-B

New Beginnings, New Adventures

2008-05-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

"Busy" has definitely been the word of the week, or the few for that matter. Life's pretty good. Not excellent, but getting better and better everyday. I came home last night and I just need to reiterate how much I really love being back in this town. The people here are pretty amazing and they have helped me tremendously throughout all of my difficult times. So, I'm excited to be back with everyone (minus the four days of finals in Fresno). I'm ready for life again. I'm ready for things to continue moving forward and I'm so excited for the things that God is going to do. I feel almost like the poison in my life is gone (minus a few things) and I just feel so much better (kind of when the bako people go down to SLO and breathe fresh air). So this is my new beginning, again. I wonder, how many new beginnings can you have? Regardless, here's anbother new beginning for me and definitely another, new, grand adventure.

Peace

2008-04-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

These last few weeks have been quite crazy and I know some of you are waiting for an update. Well, a positive one at least. I can't say everything is perfect and back to normal like i wish i could but that just isn't the case. However, i can say that things don't seem to be as difficult and painful as they were. Steve and I are working things out and the outlook is good. I'm amazed out how much we have been through in our time together and, quite honestly, at this point i feel that we can make it through just about anything. With that said, a lot of things still need to be changed. The ex needs to stop calling and texting, something that she said she would do but that she has failed at so far. Also, trust needs to be re-established because i'm tired of asking the same questions over and over but, for my heart's sake, it needs to be done. Thirdly, we need to get the hell out of Fresno. Steve will hopefully be able to ;eave work sometime shortly and we both will be able to have a relationship together. Until then, things are kind of rocky and they will be because he has lost all my trust up here in this town. I am confident though that we will finally get to the point when i am able to breathe and rest, assured that these days and these trials are over. Until then, continued prayer for my health and my relationship with Steve would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry, i'm going to kind of go off topic here but something just popped into my mind. I was talking to my good friend Adrienne on the phone the other day and we've both been having a hard time lately. She said that sometimes things just need to get worse before they get better. In some ways, that statement really does seem true. I pretty much hit rock bottom Saturday night. Sometimes that is what happens. After all, when you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up. After that, things seem to be doing better. Like i said earlier, not perfect, but better. I just pray that I can stay healthy and strong and that I can salvage what I can of my classes this semester. Things sure aren't easy but God really has given my heart peace.

Backwards

2008-04-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

Again, where do I start? I'm taking backward steps in life and this really isn't fun. It's private so I can't explain everything but I just keep on thinking where I've gone wrong. I have no clue what happened. One moment I'm getting everything together and then another moment everything is just crumbling right in front of me. I am so far down I have no idea how to get back up, if that's even possible. My mind is so scrambled right now, I'll write more later.

Let go.

2008-04-22T10:49:00.001-07:00

I don't even know where to begin. My brain is so scrambled i just can't seem to get out a complete thought. I am so hurt, heartbroken, scared, anxious, angry, and so many other things. I have no idea why this is happening and I have no idea on what is right for me to do. I have been sick for two weeks now, haven't been able to hold down any food since Wednesday, and I barely have enough strength in my body to get down from my own bed. This is just ridiculous. My head says let it go but my heart says hold on. I hate that, i really do. I wish that my heart and my head could agree for once. I guess that's why they say love makes you blind because it really does. So, I let go because if this keeps going on I fear that I will honestly end up in the hospital. I can't do that to myself. I have come so far in my life, so far from where I've been and I am not going to take backward steps. I just pray that God can heal me quickly because even letting go isn't going to be easy. Please pray for me.

Heartache

2008-04-18T12:42:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd let everyone in on what's going on lately because I don't know if I can really explain it on an individual basis.
So, the past two weeks have been absolute hell (well, Fresno has been absolute hell). It has probably been one of the worst (not the worst but one of the worst) times in my life. In regards to a relationship, I have never felt so much heart ache in my life. I love Steve so much but at the same time in order to deal with Steve I have to deal with a few (and one person in particular) people who really make life unbearable. In the end, it just wasn't worth it to me. The strain that outsiders had on our relatioship in Fresno was too much to bear and I admit that I crumbled horribly under the pressure. I realized that I cannot, and will not, have a relationship with Steve as long as I have to have those few people in my life. This means that, in Fresno, I cannot be with Steve. I'm so tired of battling and getting hurt daily because someone else refuses to let go (not to mention they're just plain psycho and immature). I don't think I realized how this "battle" affected my mental and physical health until this past week and I will not sacrifice my health to continue to be the only one battling for something. So, I am back in Bakersfield to get better (hopefully) and to be able to clear my mind of all this mess. I have one month left in Fresno and, although I really wanted to drop out, I will finish out the semester and hope that my GPA hasn't been affected too badly. From there, I'm unsure. If I do not get into APU next semester I will most likely be moving back home because Fresno is not an option for me.
With the loss of both my grandmothers and some family issues, this has been an extremely tough 2 semsters and I don't need other people making it worse. So please pray for me. Pray for my health, my patience, and my schooling. Also, please pray for the people that have made my life difficult, that they may have peace and learn to just let go.

Some Verses to Help Me Get Through This

2008-04-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.
Matthew 6:25-27

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34 NIV

Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22 NASB

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Christianity isn't for cowards...

2008-04-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

This weekend a group of us went down to SLO and we stayed at the Safina's beach house in Cayucos. Mrs. Safina and I were talking about something and she said, "Christianity isn't for cowards." I've heard this so many times before but it is just now that I am really getting the meaning of it. Since becoming a Christian I can't say that my life has technically become easier but I can say that I feel at peace so much more just because I know that God is always with me. The last few weeks have definitely been extremely tough on me and often I have found myself literally crying out to God. The plans that he has for me are great but because I am choosing to follow Him and be so devoted I am sacrificing so much. It is so hard to watch a relationship crumble right in front of you and not being able to do anything about it because I have made a choice to whole-heartedly serve my Heavenly Father. In my eyes, these changes are difficult but they come with reassurance that God is taking care of me and He is guaranteeing me such a spiritually fulfilled life. I can't compromise the decisions that I am making for God and so I guess I don't fully understand when someone is having a much more difficult time with the changes than I am. I have no idea how much of a journey this will be but I know that God will NEVER give me more than I can handle. His timing will be and is perfect and I just need to have complete faith in that. Nobody said that being a Christian would be easy and now I am just at the beginning of my struggle. I'm going to quote something from Mrs. Safina's blog that sums up exactly what I'm Trying to say, "God doesn't promise you a life without difficulties. But He does promise that He will always be with you." God is sure testing my heart right now so I ask for prayers that I might make it through this tough patch with my relationship intact.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

The Spark

2008-04-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

So I couldn't help but look back at my life during the last few days and look at how certain people have made an amazing impact on me. Of course, my grandmother came to mind and instead of pain this time i felt overjoyed. I'm so excited for what God is doing in my life and I know, as she is looking down, she is excited too. A question went through my mind yesterday and I thought about it for quite a while. What would grandma think? In regards to going into Christian ministry, looking in to mission trips, and just whole-heartedly serving the Lord. I think she would be so proud. Looking back, she is a big motivation for me to get involved more and more into the church. A few memories came to mind of her and YLCC (Yosemite Lakes Community Church) and through those I absolutely know that this is what God wants me to do. She was sort of the backbone of the church, planning VBS, cooking for luncheons, and helping out with anything she can. I am so happy to be basically following in her Amazing footsteps. Its astonishing how you don't really realize how much something in your childhood has impacted you until years down the road. I can only pray to become more and more like her because she is absolutely the best role model to anyone. She loved the Lord and had such a strong relationship with God but she was never judgmental and allowed all sorts of people into her home; believers and non-believers always felt welcome. That's what I hope to do. Bring people to the Lord without using scare tactics or shoving the word down her throat. The Lord used her just like he is beginning to use me and I am so ready for this adventure to begin. So thanks Grams for the spark that has ignited a blazing fire!

An Amazing Sunday

2008-04-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the last day of the God Encounter weekend that Celebration Church does every month. Nesta and I went to the 11:30 Sunday morning service to hear Pastor Randy speak. His sermon was so amazing, it really hit me. It was all about the hand of God and commissioning the hand of God. It was also about miracles and the reason why so many of us say we don't "see" them anymore. A great thing from his message were the 2 points of God's Hand: 1. God's hand will result in something Glorious, 2. God's hand will bring destruction on your enemies. Pretty awesome huh? Also, Pastor Randy pointed out a verse in the Bible about people shortening God's hand. Basically, this means that we doubt God's power. I'm sure we've all been guilty of this at some point or another but we need to remember that God can do anything! He can restore life, fix marriages, even give someone a new eye. Never put God in a box!
That night, we had the closing of Encounter weekend at the clovis facility. This place was huge! Anyways, Phil Munsey (amazing Pastor, man of God) came to speak to us. It was a great message about legacy and how we need to help the generations. The future of this movement is in the kid's hands and if we don't proclaim that everything we have is because of God and His Glory, how will they know? Also, something that spoke truly to my heart, no matter where you are God will always get you to where you need to be. He specifically made you for this time period, this day, this time. He picked your parents for a reason, he made you the way you are for a purpose. How great is that? God specifically planned who I am, who would give birth to me, and how I would serve Him. Makes me look at my past and say, "Wow, I get it God."
Overall, amazing worship Sunday. I grew that much closer to God and affirmed some things that I had been thinking for a while. God is amazing!

Sons of Snakes

2008-04-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been feeling "un-Godly". Kind of the only word really that i can use to describe it at this moment. Basically, what I mean by "un-Godly" is simply that I have not been living my life as a Christian, follower of God, like I should be doing. I am human, but I know that I can do so much better than I am doing right now. I am definitely letting life get to me. I'm letting people in general get to me. My temper (you know that lovely thing that gets you in a whole bunch of trouble) has honestly been a little out of control. I've been cursing more, yelling more, arguing more, but, mostly, I've been hurting so much more. Life hasn't been anything like I thought it would be, and I'm realizing that it's going to be much different than I ever thought. But, this rough patch, I guess is just something that I have to deal with, and I should really keep reminding myself to deal with it in a more peaceful manner. Screaming and cursing and fighting is not going to get me through this but God is. I was watching Brad Stine the other day (and amazingly funny Christian comedian) and something actually impacted me. I've been reading a lot more lately about Jesus' life in the book of Luke and I have learned so much more about the relationship Jesus had with the Pharisees. Brad Stine talked about this a little bit and how Jesus even once called the Pharisees Sons of Snakes (in layman's terms obviously). Now, this in no way justifies anything that I have done, but this really conveyed to me that Jesus was indeed human as well and as a human he had emotions and opinions, and everything else that humans have. In that moment, when he called the Pharisees sons of snakes (something very bad in those days) he was showing his human side and showing me that I'm not always going to be "Godly" but I have an obligation to still love the people who oppose me and try to hurt me. Pretty cool moment actually. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, it's okay to let my human side show. It's okay to be angry, to be hurt, to argue every now and then but I always need to remember that God has complete control and, no matter what, I am His child and I must love those around me. I may act wrong at times but little things like that keep me in check.

Celebration

2008-03-30T14:17:00.001-07:00

Nesta and I decided to try a new church today in Fresno. I haven't been to any churches since I moved here so I thought it was about time to start going. We went to Celebration Church, the name fits it pretty well. It's a very large church (and seems to have much more money than i'm used to in a church!). Eventhough anyone can attend, you can tell that the church is pretty youth oriented; geared to young adults and what not. You walk into the sanctuary and it's set up like a christian rock concert and that's how their worship feels as well Pretty cool i must say. From what I gathered, they have a few different pastors that kind of take turns preaching on Sundays and today's service was pretty good. We took a look at John 2:1-9 (i think that's the right verses, not quite sure). The pastor was pretty energetic and his message was really good as well. The church is very vocal. What i mean by that is they like to shout "amen" and "thank Jesus", stuff like that. I've never been in a church like that so it was definitely a different experience but i really liked it. They have a few things coming up that I would like to attend. Overall, great morning at a new church with a great message!

John 3:16

2008-03-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

So, i was getting out of my car about 15 minutes ago to walk up to my dorm and get ready for the day. In the passenger seat I had my two pillows and a bright yellow forever 21 bag that contained a few clothing items. I reached for the pillows and the bag when the bag tipped over, exposing the bottom of it. Now, i don't examine my shopping bag so i have never noticed this before but on the bottom of the bag in bold lettering was printed "John 3:16". It put a smile right on my face. It was just cool to see that even a chain clothing store is sharing the gospel in a little way. Kind of like In-N-Out with verses printed on their cups and other things. It's just one of those things that makes you pause for a second to thank God for even the smallest action that In-N-Out and Forever 21 are making. Even the small things can catch someone's attention and bring them to the father.

Spring Break

2008-03-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

Hmm...so I guess I should update how Spring Break went? Well, it was definitely a break but, honestly, it wasn't that fun. Yeah, i went to Cabo but I was there with just my parents. It's not that fun when you have no one to hang out with. I just basically slept in, tanned, went to dinner, then bed. This continued for a week. Yeah, not the most fun thing ever but all in all, it was nice to have a break.
The highlight of break however was definitely going to church on Easter Sunday. I love going back home and to my home church to see all the people that I miss while I'm in Fresno. Also, The Oaks was just so lively yesterday! We truly had a great service. There's just something about meeting God within the Church that I just love. I love watching the "on fire" Christians and just admiring all their passion. I really want to do ministry. Every time I'm in a Church setting I just feel like I'm home, especially at the Oaks. Man, God is really molding me and it is just so awesome!

Steve

2008-03-19T19:02:00.001-07:00

Thank you for continually being so patient with me. You are truly amazing.

Our Hearts

2008-03-18T23:59:00.000-07:00

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him first in order to find her." -Unknown

A great quote, and it is truly one of my favorites. Our (not just a woman) hearts should be so lost in God that we have to first seek our Maker in order to find what we're looking for. What we're looking for doesn't necessarily pertain to just prince charming. It can mean that as well as success, happiness, servanthood, almost anything that you want it to be really. Just fill in the blank quite honestly. In everything we do, and atempt to do, we should seek God first. God is the only one who truly knows us completely and loves us wholly. He has created us and He holds the map to our lives. He also gave us free will to either choose to follow Him closely or wander off on our own. I've tried wandering, and that wasn't fun. My heart is so lost in God that I consult Him in the decisions that I make and He provides me with the answers I need. It may not be in my time but it is always in the right time, which is His time. So bury your heart in God, and consult Him in whatever you do. Whether it's love, success, happiness, etc, He has it all planned out for you. Trust in Him.

How is your fire burning?

2008-03-18T23:52:00.000-07:00

So, I’m here in Mexico sitting in my own selfishness and high-maintenance standards when I read a friend’s blog and it truly humbled me. It made me think about my life, about our lives as Christians and serving God. It made me think to those non-believers who question God’s word, wondering why everything was so different in Biblical times…

In Biblical times…How common is that phrase? In biblical times miracles happened, in biblical times families dropped everything to follow God, in biblical times Christians seemed to be much more passionate…Sometimes, as humans, we are not able to look around and realize that was happened in “biblical times” is happening right now!

Miracles: Miracles are abundant in the Bible, and, man, are they really a true testimony to an Almighty God! In many conversations I have had with non-believers, people commonly ask, “If your God is so mighty and if He can perform miracles, why aren’t there miracles today?” This is the question they ask to further go on and try to convince me that the Bible is just some long literary work. Well, my reply to their egging questions is there are so many miracles, just open your eyes! What many view today as “coincidence” I can view as a miracle. Take, for instance, a friend’s surgery. During the surgery a vein was cut and it “so happened” that the best surgeon for that was prepping for another surgery and was able to get to my friend real quick to patch his vein. Coincidence? No, small miracle that made all the difference and personally strengthened my faith in my maker.

Giving Up Everything To Follow God: We really don’t “see” this often today. But man, is it happening! It may not be so noticeable because our churches are so full of EC Christians (not to offend, your relationship with God is your relationship) but when you meet a Family, who truly lives for God, it is so amazing. What is even more amazing is the impact that that one family can have on so many people. God truly uses us, and when we give up everything to follow Him, that is when he really uses us to make a much bigger impact, for His glory.

Passion: Once again, something we don’t “see” so often but open your eyes! Get out of your comfort zone and listen to God and you will be so on fire for Him! I’m not saying go to a conference or a study, but truly give it all to Him. Overseas, Christians are so passionate! But a lot of that is truly because they have given EVERYTHING to God. They risk their lives in order to serve Him and if you’re risking your life you better be pretty adamant about something. God is worth it, and that is what makes me so passionate!

One thing I have to remind myself of every day is that God is truly amazing. I watch friends who are like family go through so many obstacles but they have remained so faithful to God and that just truly inspires me. I am living in a world where non-believers question my faith and God’s words and, until now, I really haven’t been able to convince myself and them that what happened during the time that the Bible was written is happening now. I get so absorbed in my selfish life that I forget to open my eyes and witness what God is truly doing to me and to so many others around me. In a sense, we are in Biblical times. God is using us NOW, just like he was then. He is performing miracles, guiding families, and lighting a fire underneath us that I really cannot even begin to describe. I am just now getting so excited, not just for me, but for the world. God has amazing plans for what He created and I am so glad to be a part of all of that. My fire is lit and going strong. How is your fire burning?

Because...

2008-03-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

...I'm indecisive and don't know what the hell to do. That's why.

Foundation on God

2008-03-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

I apologize in advanced, a lot of my blogs have and will be mainly focused on this subject as it is my future...
Well, as usual, I'm contemplating God and what he wants for me. I want to be willing to serve God but sometimes I find myself less than that. I have always been one who is afraid to step out of the box but why should I be afraid when God is right there at my side? I just feel ashamed when I know God wants me to move in a certain direction and I either stay where I'm at or don't move at all. Its frustrating for me because I want so much to go along with what I view the future to be but I think that God has something completely different in mind. I need to remember that he will always provide me with my needs and that as long as I walk with Him i will be spiritually fulfilled but as I become older and more of an adult (if you could say that) it becomes increasingly harder for me to make those leaps. And it shouldn't, it really shouldn't. God has taken care of me quite well and I have no reason to not trust Him. Not saying that I don't trust Him but by not listening to Him I am showing a form of distrust and I really hate that. I don't want to make excuses either but I know that is exactly what I am doing to myself in my head. It just seems such a struggle right now. I have no clue how Paul followed God so well in Acts, I don't believe that I can do the same. I guess I'm just scared because I am used to the life that i live right now and I am just so scared of being uprooted. I don't really have the greatest foundation and I know that my foundation should be built upon God and God only. I know exactly how to do that, and i know exactly how He wants me to do that but i'm scared of taking those leaps. God has led me on quite a journey and he has only barely begun. When God says move i need to move but i often find myself stuck, almost like i'm cemented on my path, leaving me stationary with no positive forward progress. I'm frozen in my tracks, quite literally. I just need to trust that God has everything in His hands and that in the end everything is for the better. Yet, I'm a little intimidated on how people will perceive that, even though i shouldn't care. It's just such a tough journey, a tough decision to take that journey. I definitely need a lot of prayer and a lot of help.

What do I want to do with my life?

2008-03-10T13:53:00.001-07:00

Ah, the subject Steve is so tired of hearing about: What the heck am I going to do/Where am I going to be in the next few years? AKA, COLLEGE?! Okay, so I've probably beaten this one to death but i have to weigh out my pros and cons. Some input from YOU would always be appreciated eventhough i know that this decision is completely mine to make.

Choice A: Stay at CSU Fresno
Um, yeah, like it says. I could stay at CSU Fresno and do business or ag business and just keep on truckin. Problem: I don't like Fresno! Also, I just don't really feel like it's where I'm suppose to be. SO, it's a possibility to stay but not a very likely one.

Choice B: Cal Poly?
So, I could transfer to Poly as a Junior. Good thing: Poly is freakin awesome! I already know some people there and they are pretty cool. Also, it is so gorgeous and I've always wanted to live near the coast. Problem: I just may not be able to get in and even if I do what am I going to major in?

Choice C: Azusa, Biola, Life Pacific, etc...
I could go the route of a Christian college and to Christian Ministry. Problem: Totally new places where I know nobody and I'm farther from home. But, this is something that I think God may want me to do. I'm not quite sure yet, It'll take a lot of praying but it is definitely awesome. I would love to work in a church and use those organization skills God gave me!

Choice D: CSU Bakersfield
Yeah, kind of a step backwards but not really. The positives: I would live rent free, be close to Steve, study business, and eventually maybe take over my Dad's business. That would be a great opportunity (and a great salary) but I don't know if its what i really want for my life. If i did CSUB i would be able to settle down faster and have a steady income but i would also have to sacrifice a lot by moving back home and being so committed to the business...

So, yeah...there's a lot to think about... Basically, I need to figure out what the heck i want to do with my life. Kind of hard to figure out when you're 18 and so new to everything. So, please keep in your prayers, that God will guide my decision and that, in the end, i will be happy and successful (not necessarily financially successful, just happy and on track with God). Once again, input is always great!

Love Bako

2008-03-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday (Yesterday) was pretty much an awesome day! Got to sleep in a bit, that's always good! Then, breakfast at the club, and then 18 holes of GOLF! Oh My! Haha, I have NEVER played 18 holes before so it was quite the experience. I didn't suck as bad as i thought I would, thanks to the awesome help of Steve! I hit some good ones, and I hit some really bad ones but the point was just being able to be outside for a few hours and enjoy God's creation because it was just a beautiful day.
After golf i took a much needed nap! Then, we went to the Bakersfield Condor's game. For those of you who don't know, its Ice Hockey. The condors lost to Idaho but I wasn't really there to watch the game. WE had one of the box suite things with a bunch of coworkers so i really had a blast catching up with everyone and of course i loved spending that time with Steve as well. He fits in everywhere i go :).
So, yeah, that was my day. Pretty awesome. Just reiterates why I love comeing back to Bakersfield...

Serving Him

2008-03-04T14:30:00.000-08:00

Life doesn't always turn out like you planned. In fact, in my case, life seems to be nothing like you thought it would. But that's the great thing that i am discovering. My life has been full of ups and downs. Especially with God. One minute I loved Him and the next minute I was following his polar opposite. It's just amazing how he has NEVER once let go of me. I ran as far away from Him as possible but His love has drawn me back and I am more committed and willing than ever.
One of the questions that i have been pondering for a couple weeks now is: How am I going to serve God? I don't want to live a life and have my faith on the side, i want my faith to be at the center of my life (haha, just realized that relates back to winter conference). So, i wanted to try and figure this out by first taking a look into my past. My life wasn't the easiest, but no one's is. I have a drama queen for a mother but the polar opposite for a father. A silent and stern step-father but a compassionate and talkative step-mother. It's like living in two worlds. The bridge over this gap was my Grandmother. God really molded something special when he created her. Anyways, what I'm trying to get to is God has continually placed challenges in front of me. I've stumbled through some. crawled through others, and just plain failed in some areas. The point is, God has made me strong. One thing that I am good at is taking malicious criticism. Throw at me what you will but at the end of the day it really won't phase me or change who I am. My life, all the way up to this very moment, has been about God shaping my heart for the future, shaping it to serve Him. I came to college thinking i wanted to do something in the ag industry but man, i was sure wrong. God has a totally different plan for me. He's directed more in the path of serving Him through the church or possibly through missions. I really don't know exactly what His plan is but I trust Him. So, with that trust comes the leap of faith. I've been checking out some Bible colleges and I believe that may be what God is conveying to me. I just feel led to work directly for Him, in His house. What an amazing thing that would be. So I am continuously praying that he may show me the way. I want my life to serve God fully, that is truly my heart's desire.

To God Be The Glory!

2008-02-25T12:59:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh, what an AMAZING weekend! God really moved this week and he touched so many people. It was just so amazing to be a part of it! You see, Friday was the first night of the InterVarsity Winter Conference in Bakersfield and it lasted all the way until Sunday afternoon. We stayed in the First Presbyterian Church of Bakersfield the whole weekend and it was a pretty awesome experience. About 200 InterVarsity students showed up to strengthen their relationship with God.
I was in Track 1: Identity. Basically, this track was all about finding your identity in God and putting him first in your life. We did four small seminars (about 25 minutes or so) that dealt with Relationships, Money, Sexuality, and Community. I really enjoyed the first one, the other three really didn't spark too much in me.
The relationship seminar really got the wheels turning in my head especially since i really want Steve and I to make it and I really want God to be the center of us. Looking back at my notes from this seminar, one of the things that stuck out to me was "Make sure that God has your heart first! Two broken people coming together will just produce one broken relationship." So true! No matter what, God ALWAYS has to come first in order to have a healthy relationship that glorifies God. It was a pretty cool seminar.
That night, Jessica Bauer (InterVarsity Staff Member) spoke to us about "The Real Good News". This was an amazing experience. I obvioulsy know that God forgives us for our sins but the way she presented this was so hard-hitting. One thing from her session that keeps playing in my mind is that there is nothing that you have done that is too horrific for God. NOTHING! That was amazing news to me because sometimes i really don't feel worthy of God's love because i am a sinner and my relationship really wasn't one that glorifies God. She told us about having a repentant heart and how that means to have a true desire to change and do things GOD's way. This is where God hit me over the head with a sledgehammer (metaphorically of course). It was such and intense, emotion filled moment. I honestly heard the audible God and i haven't heard Him in so long! He told me that I need to follow Him and His word. I cannot make my own rules for my life, he has already set them for me. In order to grow closer to God i had to remove everything that was keeping me from Him. It's kinda like a cavity, you cannot put a cap over a decayed tooth without getting all of the decay out of there (thanks Layla!). That's what i had to do and man, this is not going to be easy. I re-dedicated my life to God and following HIS rules. This meant that I had to talk to Steve.
I was nervous to tell him what God has done in my life and what he was telling me. After being sexually active for over four years I had to put an end to it. Telling someone that you've been sexually active with that you can no longer be sexual with them isn't easy. I was so surprised and happy that he was incredibly supportive of it. So, I'm so excited for us! God is moving in me and in us and it is such an exciting time. I'm glad that we can have God as the MAIN focus of our relationship and begin to glorify Him through our actions.
I ask you to please pray for Steve and I. This isn't going to be easy for us but in the long run we truly believe that this will make us a stronger couple.
Praise to God for all of His amazing lessons!

Re-Write

2008-02-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, the last blog really didn't reflect at all what I wanted to say. I was too worried about offending people so lets try this one again:
This weekend was a pretty good one. Friday and Saturday night I stayed at Bryan's lake house with him, Steve, Kevin, and Mantor. On Saturday night Brad and Ryan came up as well. We had a pretty fun time. Friday night we had an awesome bonfire and pretty much just sat there and drank. We played some drinking games when we went back to the house and then hit the hay. Vibrant Kevin woke us all up (well, Mantor was able to sleep through it) to go "hunting". This means we took a pellet gun and went looking for things to shoot at. Well, we really didn't find anything but Kevin did find a pretty sweet paddle boat. So, we pushed that into the deeper part of the creek and paddled around for a bit. Bryan and Steve joined us. A pretty funny picture actually... All four of us in a tiny paddle boat with Steve standing up trying to find fish to shoot at in the water, Ha. After that was lunch, then pretty much the rest of the day was filled with redneck activities. It was pretty awesome. Brad and Ryan showed up around 2am i believe. I was pretty much asleep when they got there.
Steve and I left at about 10 or so to go back to Fresno on Sunday. I am NEVER happy to return to Fresno but the Daytona 500 race was on at noon and Steve did NOT want to miss that. I was originally going to do homework and such while he went to Tanner's to watch the race but after about 30 min at the apartment several people showed up and I really didn't feel like being there alone with them so i tagged along. Nascar wasn't as boring as i thought it would be. I learned quite a bit about it on Sunday and I think i actually enjoyed it. Not as good as football but i kind of like it, lol. Yeah, this weekend was definitely a redneck weekend!
So, Nascar took up the majority of the afternoon. After that we went to eat at the RDH and then just hung out at the apartment for a bit. At about 10 or so people started coming over. A few girls came over that I didn't know but that was okay. It was kinda an awkward situation quite honestly. It definitely reminded why I really don't like being at the apartment. As long as Steve is there it isn't so bad. No major incidents this time, thank God, but several things did piss me off quite a bit. I think I hid it well but I don't know. I don't want to be a bitch but some things got really close to crossing the line. Oh well, no harm no foul i guess?
Anyways, that was my weekend. Pretty normal. I'm definitely looking forward to the winter conference in bakersfield next weekend and having some major God time. I definitely need it. Also, my parents will be home so I will spend some time with them and we'll try to get this whole changing college thing figured out. I really want out of this town ASAP and I think God is ready to move me as well. i guess we'll see...

Weekend

2008-02-18T13:48:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...Well, this weekend was actually a pretty good one. Got out of Fresno for about the 4th week in a row now, that always makes me happy. Friday was Bryan's Birthday and he invited some people over to his lakehouse for a couple nights. Steve and I stayed Friday and Saturday and we definitely had a good time. The lakehouse was pretty basic. There was no bedrooms in it nor bathrooms. You had to walk to the bathroom that was away from the house. It was still pretty awesome though. We were right on the lake. I really didn't hink we would be THAT close. On Saturday energetic Kevin woke us all up at about 9 to go shooting and what not. We ended up finding a paddle boat and dragged it into the little creek thing i guess you could call it. Pretty fun actually. So, Saturday was pretty much filled with lots of sun and good old fashioned fun. Mantor and Kevin found a pretty big canoe and they were pretty much on the lake all day drinking beers and having a good time. The weekend totally brought the redneck out of all of us. Thanks Bryan!!!
So, Steve and I came back Sunday afternoon so that he could go watch Nascar at Tanner's. I originally wasn't going to go with him but there were some issues so i tagged along. I actually learned a lot about Nascar. Scarily, i really didn't find it that boring. Football is still much better but Nascar isn't as bad as i originally thought it was. So, that was pretty cool. That took up most of our afternoon. Later in the evening some people came over to the apartment. Some of them I knew and some of them I didn't. It was okay. Kinda awkward but not bad i suppose.
So, yeah, that was my weekend. Not extremely exciting but it was nice, for the most part. :)

Decisions...

2008-02-11T18:24:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know, I have a pretty tough decision to make here in the next few months. Fresno has been, well, an interesting experience and I'm pretty much over this town. I am hoping to transfer to Cal Poly San Luis Obispo but I am unable to do that until at least Spring '09, maybe even later. So, i can either stick it out one or two more semesters at CSU Fresno or I can go home and attend BC or CSUB while waiting to get into Cal Poly. I really don't want to stay in Fresno for so many reasons. On the other hand, I have some amazing friends up here that I am going to miss dearly. Also, if I moved back to Bakersfield I would be living with my parents once again and that just seems like a giant step backwards. Yet, if i were to live in Bako again I would be gauranteed my old job (i'll be working there over the summer no matter what) and i could work in between classes and such. That would definitely be nice for my wallet but it isn't really necessary. Also, Steve may be going back to Bako as well if everything for the KCSO (Kern County Sheriff's Office) goes through. So, it would be nice to stay close to Steve for a little while longer. Yet again, I want to go to Cal Poly no matter what so, inevitably, Steve and I will have to deal with distance at some point. I just don't know if it would be best to deal with that sooner or later. So, I've got a lot to think about: Stick it out in Fresno and then go to Cal Poly or move back home for some time and then transfer. I definitely will be praying for God to show me what He wants, your prayers would be helpful as well. Thanks.

Just a Fun Update.

2008-02-10T22:39:00.000-08:00

Basically, this weekend was most definitely awesome! Steve surprised me with a trip to the coast and it was tons of fun! We stayed in Morro Bay for two nights and basically just chilled on the beach in Pismo. With everything that has been going on in Fresno it was a really nice break for the two of us. The weekend was filled with great food, tanning, freezing col ocean water, and so much more! We went to Shoreline Calvary Chapel this morning for the 11:15am service. Yeah, that was definitely a great sermon. The pastor was crazy energetic which really brought the sermon alive. I definitely will be going to to Shoreline the next time I'm on the coast. So, yeah, that was our weekend.

Just a small Disclaimer I guess you can say:

2008-02-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

This blog is a personal account of my life and my personal growth. As you can tell, I am not perfect and no one is. I have made a lot of bad choices in my past but all of that doesn't matter now. The amazing thing about God is that he sent his son down to Earth to die on the cross; to die for OUR sins so that we may be forgiven. I am human, and with that comes flaws and mistakes that, hopefully, you learn from. This site is not meant for offense but if i do offend someone, oh well. Not everyone is comfortable writing about their struggles and their personal testimonies. To everyone out there who feels the need to write hateful comments, why do read my blog? If you don't like me and you are just here to judge me you are wasting your time. In the end, my Maker is the only judge of my life and I will continue to live my life for Him, not for you. I'll be praying for all of you, I'm sorry if that offends you.

An Amazing Story...

2008-02-03T00:28:00.000-08:00

It's not always what it seems.

2008-01-28T13:21:00.000-08:00

Last night Steve and i started to watch the movie Beta House, which is one from the American Pie series. Essentially, the movie is about college and about Greek life (sororities and fraternities). Well, we only made it through about half of this movie because, frankly, it disgusted me but it really made me think. Obviously, this movie was a horrible portrayal of college life. I think a lot of people come into college with the mindset of its just all about the party; drinking, smoking, sex, etc. In reality, if you're there for just that you're probably not going to make it past your first semester. Yeah, partying is usually a part of your college "experience" but that isn't the focus. College, as my AgEcon professor states, "...Should be about growth. If you aren't here to change and grow, you're just wasting your time and money." It relates to your life in general actually. Life is about change, about experiencing things and growing as a person. This means you're going to be tested, and tested often. I know I have already been tested quite a bit this semester. I must admit, I don't think I've really passed everything with flying colors. Just this weekend, one of Steve's roomies was being a royal jerk and said a whole load of stuff that was past inappropriate. He really crossed the line with me and i must say I haven't been that angry in a while. So, that night, i went to bed angry. I woke up angry, and have been pretty much holding a grudge since. I know that isn't what God wants me to do. Instead I should be praying for this man. I may not like him and I definitely don't agree with him but I know that I am suppose to love him regardless because we are all God's children. Also, I know this is a test for my relationship with Steve. Not everyone is going to accept us because I know some of his friends just plain don't like me. That's fine, but we can't let that affect our relationship. Steve and I are stronger than we've ever been and I plan to keep it that way, regardless of outside influences. I know God has a lot in store for us so instead of letting trash talkers get to me, to us, we need to pray and continually forgive. Life, relationships, experiences, aren't always what you think they're going to be. God has a plan and usually it's something very different from what you had in mind. When God moves, you move. I surrender everything to Him knowing that in the end, God is in control and will continue to bless me and my relationship.

New Semester, New Struggles...

2008-01-24T14:37:00.000-08:00

Well, the title is pretty self explanatory. It's a brand new semester accompanied by some brand new struggles. First off, putting my faith first isn't going to be the easiest thing for me. Believe it or not, i can actually be a fairly shy person and i really don't like to offend anyone. Standing up for my faith means that, most likely, I'm going to offend someone somewhere down the line. That is why I am becoming a part of InterVarsity. I think this campus ministry will really help me grow in my faith and be able to stand up for God in every circumstance. Our topic this semester will be "Get Real, Not Religious". Great topic for what's going on in my life right now! Basically, get real not religious means being real with yourself and your faith. Sometimes we get stuck into religious stereotypes and we feel that we must change to fit that perfect Christianity mold. That's not really true. God created us, flaws and all, for a reason. We have unique personalities and experiences that should help us further spread the word of our Heavenly Father. Getting real means getting out there, standing up for your faith whether it be in a casual conversation with a friend or a discussion in class with a professor. Don't shut up just because you're afraid that people will think you're a freak for having faith in God. This will really test me this semester. I have a strong faith in God, i trust Him and i put my life in Him but i am ashamed to say that i don't always stand up for him. I don't openly pray for m y food in the cafeteria because i am afraid of the way people may perceive me. I don't openly pray at night because i am afraid that my roommate or someone else may become offended. I don't stand up for God in social situations, and that really bugs me. For instance, i was watching TV with Audra before winter break and a commercial came on about the true meaning of the season. Basically the commercial was about Jesus' birth and how he is our savior. After the commercial Audra was kind of disgusted and said something along the lines of, "I hate that commercial. You're not religious or anything are you?" Instead of saying, "That commercial shows us how we should celebrate the holidays and i am a firm believer in Christ" i simply said, "No". So that is just one of my struggles this semester: Not being afraid to speak up for my God and show that He is among us and He is an Almighty God and i have complete faith in him.

Getting Back Into The Swing Of Things...

2008-01-22T11:17:00.000-08:00

So, it is now the second week of school and everyone is settling into their usual routines. This semester will be really challenging for me. I have six classes, five of which require mandatory attendance. Not extremely happy about that but at the same time it will keep me motivated to go to class. Because of this, i am hoping to pull off a 3.5 this semester. Sounds doable, i just need to keep on motivating myself. Along with school, I am dedicating more time to Justa. At the very least, i will be with her Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. I kind of neglected her a bit last semester so i want to make sure that she stays fit and healthy this semester. Also, I am going to start going to InterVarsity's "Encounter" (a large group bible study held every tuesday @ 7). I really need to keep my faith strong, i don't want to become wishy washy again, so doing a weekly (at least weekly, maybe I'll do a small group as well) bible study should help me to grow in my faith and keep my faith strong. Okay, the scheduling doesn't stop there, i also want to keep fit so i am dedicating more time to rock climbing. I am hoping to do this three to four times a week. So, my days are gonna be pretty full. Not to mention all the studying in between, can ya tell I'm oh so excited about that? So, i definitely will not be working this semester, i don't think i can fit that in, lol. I like this schedule this semester though. It'll keep me busy, more productive, and overall it should keep me on track and make me more responsible. I'm actually pretty excited for this semester. I know God has a lot in store for me and I can't wait to see how He molds me. So, that's my update for now. Just getting into the swing of things.

Blessings from God

2008-01-16T11:15:00.001-08:00

Wow, there is so much to write about!!!!
So, first off, I went to SLO (San Luis Obispo) for the weekend. We spent 2 nights there and it was just amazing! A great time full of old friends, waves, sand, bonfires, and great new friends! It was truly a great trip, I don't think we could have had a better time. God truly blessed us.
So, from there, school started on yesterday. i got back Monday and i was so excited to see everyone! I successfully moved back into the dorms and I am enjoying spending time with all the people that I missed so much. School has been good so far. Almost all of my classes have mandatory attendance so i will definitely be going to class this semester! That's a good thing though because it will keep me focused and hopefully i can pull off a 3.5 this semester!
Another great update is how God continues to bless me and fill me with his spirit. He has been so good to me. I'm not saying that everything is perfect, because it never can be, but God has filled me with so much peace and love it's just so amazing! He truly is an Almighty God!
One great blessing that God has given me is Steve. I missed him incredibly over break and I am so excited to be back and spending time with him. We have both grown and I beleive it has made us that much stronger. Right now, we are taking things slow and are just friends and I am absolutely loving that. I really beleive God placed Steve in my life and not temporarily. I'm so excited that this time around God can be the center of Steve and I's relationship.It just makes me so excited and so happy! Nothing is more important to me than God,and I am so happy that I can grow sprititually with someone and put God first. This is a new feeling and it is amazing!

Wait On Me

2008-01-11T08:24:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a little unsettled today. First off, I'm fasting (no food=grumpy, lol) but it's for a great reason. Tonight we are having prayer at my house and breaking the fast for Chris but i'm a little upset with my parents. They are christians but sometimes i just wish we could pray togeher and worship the Lord as a family. Praying with the Champions is something very important to me, seeing as i have grown close with this family and have gotten to know them over the past few years. At first, my step-mom was all about helping out with tonight and picking up some stuff but this morning all she could really say was "we'll see, i'm busy". Busy with what? All she usually does is sit and do crosswords all day. Also, they decided that they are going to Tom and Karen's tonight instead of praying with us, that was a little upsetting as well. I think, i just feel disappointed in them for once and I just can't explian well enough as to why.
I'm also, for lack of a better word, nervous you could say. Sunday I am going back to Fresno and i will be packing up all of my stuff from Steve's place and moving back into the dorms. I'm really not looking forward to this. Breakups in general are never "fun" but moving out of someone's place just makes it that much worse. I've never been in this situation before so it just plain sucks. I'm trying to organize a list in my head of everything i need to get, all in one trip. It's gonna take freakin' forever (not really but it will seem like it). It's also a little embarrassing because i'm sure, seeing as its a Sunday, Ryan and Audra and possibly Mantor will be there and i have no clue how they feel about me now that all of this is over. Oh, and i'm not looking forward to talking to Steve. At this point I'm almost 100% posistive that this is a definite, permanent thing (us not being together) so, I really don't know what there is to say at this point. I obviously don't want him out of my life, and i would love to be friends at least. I guess I'm just fearing one of those conversations thast just basically says "I don't want to be with you, so lets be friends (insert awkward silence here)". I just don't like those you know? And at this particular time I'm just emotionally tired and I fear that I'll start crying Sunday just because of everything that's going on, and I hate crying in front of anyone (and that just makes it even worse). So, I've been praying my heart out and God is good. I know he will continue to fill me with peace but the focus of my prayers is not on me but the Champions. I know what i am going through cannot even begin to compare with what the Champions are going through right now. So, my heart is exhausted with prayer but i will continue because i know God is good, and he is mighty. He hears our prayers and he is responding. "Wait on me..." is what I"ve been hearing and I will wait on God with unwaivering faith.

Take a Step Back

2008-01-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, well, nothing really to say about work today but I do have quite a load on my mind. We’ll start with some saddening news first: today was Chris’ appointment down in UCLA. He had a kind of bump (I believe they said it was swollen lymph node?) show up a few weeks ago. I really didn’t get too much information on his Dr.’s appointment today but Chris sent me a text message stating that the news wasn’t good. It was upsetting because he fought so hard his entire senior year and we thought the cancer was gone but now there is a chance its back. He and his family are definitely in my prayers as well as so many other people’s prayers. So, I would ask you to do the same. Please keep Chris and his family in your thoughts and prayers.
What is going on with Chris really made me think about God and how wonderful his healing powers can be even though sometimes you can feel like he doesn’t listen to your prayers at all. I was talking to a coworker about praying today and he brought up something interesting: he said that he writes down every prayer and keeps track of every prayer answered. He said it really helps his faith. Now, I’m personally not going to tally up every prayer that has been answered but it made me really think about all the prayers God has answered for me this week. First off, I stopped taking my sleeping pills because I realized that I shouldn’t be dependent on anything or anyone but God and so I have been praying for sleep. God has definitely answered that prayer and even though I sleep better with my sleeping pills, I am amazed that God has blessed me a full night’s rest for the past couple days. I will still wake up in the middle of sleep but when I do I’m not awake as long and it isn’t as frequent. Another prayer that has been answered is the amazing peace that God has given me. The past semester was just full of troubles and pain but God has really healed me and given me great peace within myself. I am so grateful and thankful to have such an Amazing God.
With all God has done for me, I have been highly reflective this evening. I was thinking more about the situation with me and Steve and about the living situation we used to have. I wasn’t happy living with Steve and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why but I just realized it. I’ve always been an independent person but I felt like I was losing that when living with Steve. I mean, He, Mantor, and Ryan paid rent at that apartment and I did not. That’s really not okay with me whatsoever. Why should I be able to stay somewhere rent free while they all worked hard to pay for rent and utilities? Being in that situation just made me feel bad about it all and I really wasn’t comfortable living there. It was kind of like walking on eggshells and actually, at times, it reminded me of my mother’s house. Next time I live in an apartment, I want to be a rent payer just like everyone else. Also, my life was too much about Steve, and that was my fault. By moving out of the dorms so soon I removed myself from people who I bonded so closely with in such a short amount of time. My focus wasn’t on school, God, or my friends, but on Steve and that’s a problem. God should always be first, and my education comes in second. My friends also take priority because, no offense to anyone, friends are forever and most relationships aren’t. Plus, you can’t have a strong, happy relationship when you aren’t completely happy yourself. It’s amazing what you see when you take a step back and how clear everything becomes. Another thing making me tense was all my headaches. It’s annoying and frustrating when day in and day out your head is in pain. Unfortunately, this issue still has yet to be fixed but I’m dealing with it better. I still have headaches everyday but I’m not over medicating (like a whole vicodin for a headache that isn’t a migraine) and I’m not being stubborn about taking something such as ibuprofen for them. Timing is everything and catching my headaches early is the key.
Well, I think that’s about it for today. And that was a lot. Peace, love, and God.

AMAZING DAY!

2008-01-06T22:38:00.001-08:00

Okay, so today was nothing short of freakin’ amazing! Emily, Mj, Chris, Mihaela, Cathy, and I met up at church this morning to head for Cal Poly to help move Chris back in to the dorms. We got there at about noon and it was gorgeous! I absolutely love the campus, I’m so jealous! After hanging out at Chris’ dorm for a bit and meeting two people (Donavan and Mike), we headed out to find food. Nothing was open on campus so we ended up driving to Splash Café which, if you’ve never been there, has pretty awesome food. After that, Mike invited us to his beach house a few towns over (about a 20 min. drive). So, us highly intelligent college students (Chris, Mike, and I) and one brave senior (Emily) put on (with high difficulty) wet suits and headed down to the ocean with the rest of the gang for some boogie boarding. The water was freezing and I could no longer feel my hands and feet but I haven’t had that much fun in a long time! It was just so spontaneous and random, it was great! It was a great form of exercise too seeing as there was such a strong undertow. Mike didn’t really help with that when he told us that a surfer was dragged way out to sea just the other day by the undertow and they have yet to find him. Gee, thanks Mike. Anyways, after that, we just chilled at Mike’s beach house and watched a few movies. His parents came to the house around five and they are amazing! His mom brought all sorts of food and his dad made us some espresso (was very handy for the drive home). It was really awesome time because, in just a few short hours of knowing some of these people, it really felt like we were surrounded by family. I felt like I knew Mike and Donovan much longer than a few hours and vice versa. Who knew SLO could feel almost like home?
So, because this trip was such an enormous success, we’re hopefully going to go back next Saturday before I have to go back to Fresno. I’m excited already. I love the weather there, and I have always loved the beach. Who knows, if Cal Poly accepts, maybe I’ll transfer. I would absolutely love that!

Relax!

2008-01-02T18:34:00.001-08:00

I’ve decided that my New Year Resolution is to keep a personal Journal, mostly typed but some of it may be handwritten from time to time. I’ve decided this because I have realized that writing my thoughts just calms me and I truly love to write. It’s like having a one-sided conversation on paper, if you will. Some of the stuff I write will be posted on my blog site while some of it may be kept personal for just me or whomever I choose to read it. In the Journal I will try to document the whole day (an abbreviated version of course) even if that means all I can seem to get out of my mind is a few sentences. Something is always better than nothing. So, what a better way to start of my New Year’s Resolution by starting this journal right now?

So, i actually started this Journal on the 1st, and i'll skip that entry, but here is my journal entry for today:

Busy, busy, busy! Today was a ridiculously busy day! I guess everyone’s New Year’s Resolution was to get a job and they all came into Work Force to do it. We must have had at least 60 applicants, seriously. Now that’s a lot! As usual, I didn’t get a lunch break until fairly late because I really didn’t want to fall behind. Eventually, I forced myself to take one a little after two because I felt myself getting a little snappy and stressed. I really tried to take an hour lunch for once, but I fell about 20 minutes short. Oh well, what can I say? I’m a workaholic when I have a full time job. I just wish I could apply my determination at work to my studies. Now that would be something amazing.
Speaking of studies, I checked my grades today. Out of five classes, three of my grades were up: B (ASci), B (Math45), C (NS4). Not bad so far, just waiting on two more now. I want as close to a 3.0 as possible, so hopefully my other two grades will be B’s. I’ll just have to wait. Man, isn’t that just life’s story: Waiting…
So, speaking of waiting, which requires patience, I realized that I get so wound up sometimes that it takes me FOREVER to relax. I’ve just never been a very patient person and I seem to want everything NOW. Yeah, I know, sounds completely bratty. God is teaching me a lesson of patience as well. I know I can’t have things instantaneously, I know he will not give them to me immediately, because that is exactly what I want. God wants me to wait for things, to actually take my time, relax. Yeah, “relax” really isn’t in my vocabulary actually. I’m horrible at it, so is my mother (yikes, something we have in common!). I realized today that relaxing is part of my problem as well. I need to be able to wind down from a stressful situation and become centered again. I tend to get to caught up in everything and get twisted so tightly that it seems impossible to just let go of whatever is stressing me. Now that I’ve fully come to realize this, I am able to work on it. Eventually, relaxing should become easier and easier, but for now it takes a little more time. But, God is amazing and he continues to fill me with peace and no matter how wound up I get I can always turn to Him. I guess what I’m saying is I am realizing my flaws one by one, and I’m working on them. I can’t guarantee perfection, but I can guarantee a workaholic’s effort (which is a lot, lol). So, patience and relaxation will come, and I feel that this is another start to something great. Man, what a few days with God this has been!

Snow!

2008-01-01T19:13:00.000-08:00

Today, me and some friends decided to go to the snow. We kinda come up with this plan spontaneously a couple days ago and we actually followed through with it. Man, i had a blast! For such an impromptu trip we had things fairly organized (not that there was much to be organized) So, we took two cars: my truck and Dawn's Saturn Vue. We headed up to Shirley Meadows, which was about and hour and a half trip. It was definitely worth it to be able to be in the snow finally! We parked on the side of the road and just kind of explored the landscape. We found some awesome places to sled, everything was awesome. I really missed the snow and I forgot how gorgeous it was. it really reminded me of God's beauty in this world and I am so blessed to be a part of His creation. God blessed our crew with a safe trip up and down the mountain and it was just nice to spend time with friends that will soon be going back to college after this winter break. So, that's really all i wanted to say. Just another beautiful day, enjoying God's creations and the people in my life.

2007...2008

2008-01-01T01:06:00.001-08:00

Oh my gosh, I feel like I have so much to talk about but I just don’t know how to organize it! I guess I will go by the day’s events and what was going on in my mind in chronological order. Sorry if you get confused…

So, today was a usual work day. Get up, get dressed, go to work, etc. Unfortunately, my mind was so busy and distracted that it seemed like I got barely any work done at all. It’s a miracle that I’m not actually behind! My mind was working overtime. In fact, if you peered into my skull you would have probably seen a bunch of little people just running around frantically in what seems like pure chaos. I was just so excited, I guess you could say but at the same time I was feeling a little blue. I miss Steve (yes, I miss him already after like 2 days), I really do and I feel horrible for the way I had been treating him the past couple weeks. It just feels weird not texting him in the morning, telling him I love him, and pretty much not really talking to him whatsoever. My heart aches but I still stand that this decision for space was a good one. I really do hope that things can be sorted out though. I love him and I would love nothing more than to resume a relationship with him when the time is right but I don’t know how he feels about everything so I will just have to wait on him and see.

On the other hand (and what was mostly on my mind) I was so excited about my spiritual re-awakening I guess you could say. God has really “opened the eyes to my heart” and it is amazing how I am starting to view things! Don’t get me wrong, I’m human and still a sinner but I really feel God molding me know. I really feel that God is getting me ready for something. I don’t really know what and I don’t know when it will happen but I am just so excited over it. It’s like, God has given me this great, amazing gift, but I can’t open it just yet. He gives me hints here and there but I’m not able to guess it. All I know is that God has been so faithful and so loyal to me even though I have turned away from him a few times this year. I am finally ready to take that leap of faith with God, to follow and to serve Him. Yeah, I think the road will get tough, but that is God testing me. In the past, I have failed, and I have failed miserably but there is something going on now, inside of me that I just can’t deny. It’s like I want to shout to the world that Jesus is our Savior that God is the King of all Kings, and through him you will have a spiritually fulfilled life. I think God is really calling me to be baptized, I honestly think that it is about time and I am ready to take that step. I figured this out while at work. I went to the relevance magazine website (a Christian magazine) and found some articles that really forced me to think about God. These articles forced me to analyze my life, and to analyze my relationship with God and I realize that I have never been so spiritually fulfilled in my entire life. Yesterday (well, actually, 2 days ago I guess), December 30, I finally said, “Okay God, I trust You. I give everything to You. My life is Yours and I shall serve you and be faithful to You. My actions will be for the glory of God, not for the glory of me. I surrender God, I truly surrender”. Man, do you know how amazing that feels?! The past couple days I have grown more than in the past few months. God has healed my spiritual wounds and I dedicate my life to serving Him.

Later on in the day, my mind goes into reflection mode. After all, it is now 2008 and most of us tend to take a look back at the previous year. In a nutshell, 2007 was a crazy, amazing, wacky, spontaneous, heartbreaking, and almost any adjective you could think of, year. I graduated, left Bakersfield for Fresno, and finished my first semester of college. I made new friendships, lost old ones, and fell in love. I lost one of the dearest people to me, but gained and amazing relationship with God. I had been severely tested in 2007. From battling three addictions, to learning how to just let go. I’ve made mistakes but learned from them. Overall, I’m proud of myself. 2007 was a tough year, probably one of my toughest, and I made it out just fine. So here’s to 2008, may it be filled with life, love, happiness, and God!

Ow and Wow

2007-12-31T00:04:00.000-08:00

So, I actually have two pretty important updates. One is pretty amazing and the other is, well, heart-breaking to me I guess you can say. Yet, these polar opposite updates actually sort of link together in the end, you’ll see…
I won’t beat around the bush here, I’ll just get straight to the point: Steve and I have decided that it is best if we are apart…aka…we have broken up. Believe it or not, it was actually a mutual decision. He broke the news first (sent me a message while I was driving back to bako) but I actually agreed with him. Don’t get me wrong, I love the man more than anything but I really think we just went way too fast. I mean, he was practically living in the dorms with me before we were officially dating. Also, I’ve been having an extremely tough time lately and unfortunately I have had a tendency to take that out on Steve, which isn’t fair to him whatsoever. So, staying on the positive side of things, this will be a good move. I will be going back to the dorms and putting my studies and God as my main focus. If me and Steve are able to give it another chance, Awesome. If not, well, it’s something that I will just have to deal with. For now, space is good for me. I need to handle some things on my own and fix myself before I am able to dedicate my attention to a significant other. I’m not “joyous” about the decision, and I do feel heart-broken, but I know that it’s the right thing to do for now. Things always work themselves out in the end, I’m just wondering what that end will be.
Now, on to the better update. I went to Westbrook (spelling?) tonight to attend worship. Apparently, every Sunday evening at Westbrook, there is live Christian music followed by a sermon. It’s kind of a youth thing but I guess everyone is invited. Anyways, I realized the void that I have been feeling for a few weeks now. God really put his hand on me and spoke to me during worship. It’s kind of hard to explain in writing but I’ll try my best. It’s like God was telling me to just let go. Let go of all the grudges I hold, let go of all my bitterness and pain and just trust Him. All this time, I had been carrying an insecurity, a bitterness towards Steve and Cat’s relationship and I hadn’t been able to let that go until God showed me (I wish he would have shown me a little sooner and some things may have ended up differently but everything is in God’s time). Along with the grudge I had been holding against Steve, I had been harboring a pain in my heart from the loss of my grandmother and a growing attraction to the physically painful addiction that I have gone so long without. God spoke to me and I listened. He said I am human, and I have sins, but that is why he sent his son down to Earth; so that my sins may be forgiven and forgotten. God said that I must do that as well; forgive and forget. I completely forgive Steve now, whereas I just said it was okay but kept it inside. As for my grandmother, God took that pain from my heart and replaced it with peace and love. He showed me that her death was not an end, but a beginning for me and a motivation to keep her proud of me. God also put his hand upon my addiction, letting me know that instead harboring my emotional pain and turning it into physical pain, I shall give him my emotional pain and he can turn it into something beautiful: a learning experience. I have never felt such a presence from God.
So, here’s where everything ties in: A big part (if maybe not all) of me and Steve’s problem was my stubbornness and my unwillingness to let past events go. I held a grudge, bitterness, and jealousy. An addiction, and a pain in my heart that I thought I could handle all the on my own but the truth is I simply can’t. All these voids, sins, have been filled by God’s amazing grace and I truly feel blessed (and also stupid that I hadn’t listened close enough before) that God has forgiven me and that he has also given me the power to forgive and forget. I am finally at peace (not saying that I’m not feeling hurt by the break up) and I feel that I can face my personal life and take responsibility. Quite frankly, I needed to grow up and let the little things go. God showed me how this evening and what an amazing feeling this is; to be able to forgive every grudge I still hold. From the issues I had with Steve and Cat talking to even the years of built up issues from my mom. I HUGE weight has been lifted off my chest and I feel like the old me again. I’m ready to be spontaneous and fun loving. I’m ready to take my freedom responsibly and let others enjoy theirs. My God is an AMAZING God and he taught me such valuable, life-long lesson, that I will never forget. I’m not saying that I will instantly be able to forgive, or easily resist addiction but I know that with God on my side I have already won the battle. I just need to keep believing in myself and enjoy this beautiful life that I am most certainly blessed with. I honestly feel like a new person. Like the old Brooke, but better. I feel just a little wiser and a little more mature and I feel that the void that I have been feeling has just been filled with God’s grace and my forgiveness.
So, yeah, that’s my update. From heartbreak to God, from feeling lost to feeling renewed by the Holy Spirit. Every day is a blessing, and so is every experience. In just 2 hours, I feel like I have finally conquered something that I have battling for years. I feel that I am finally at peace and I that I finally (after years of struggling) love myself and love who I have become. So, here is to my beginning, my new outlook, and my new ability to love others without holding a past grudge. Thank you Heavenly Father!

Just Stuck

2007-12-30T01:43:00.000-08:00

Basically, my life has been a roller coaster lately. WAY too many ups and downs and not enough consistency. It's been way to much it seems. I guess what I'm trying to say is that i just don't feel happy anymore and i really don't understand why. There's just a giant void, and it seems to get bigger and bigger. I need something but nothing or no one seems to be able to give me what I need. I've been praying to God, hoping that he'll point me in some sort of direction but i know that everything is done in his time and it looks like I'm going to have to wait. Well, i thought i would have had more to write but it looks like I've run out of thoughts. Like, everything is just sort of stuck. Guess my writing is truly reflecting my feelings. If i think of anything else, I'll write more....

Bonding and Letting Go...

2007-12-18T21:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I decided to make a trip to Madera to take my Grandpa out to lunch. I love him, but I've never been really close to him so I thought, seeing as we both miss Grandma so much, now would be a good time to bond. We went to Sal's Mexican Restuarant, one of Grandpa's favorite. Him and Grandma used to go there every week, or just about. It was really nice to spend time with him. He was waiting for me in the lobby of the retirement center and he looked so excited that he was going to go somewhere with his granddaughter. It was really a great bonding time, and I never knew Grandpa could talk so much! Towards the end of dinner, an elderly lady walked up to us and commented on our relationship. Grandpa points to me and says, "That's my granddaughter." He just looked so happy, and so proud. At the end of the night, i dropped grandpa back off at the retirement home. You could tell that the dinner really made his night, and i as really proud to be HIS granddaughter. I really would like to take him out to dinner more often...
With that said, today is a sad day. December 18th, 2007, Grandma's 87th birthday. Well, it would be if she was still with us. I really wanted to bring flowers to her grave, but the weather has been horrible and I don't really feel comfortable driving on the highway in this weather. I just might later on tonight anyways. I miss her so much. Donna told me a story about a woman who had lost a child (not the same thing as a grandmother, but still the same concept. She lost someone very close to her). The first holiday without her child was hard for the woman, but she made it through to the next year. The next year was hard as well, but she was a little more used to her child not being there. I guess the point is, losing someone that close to you is hard, and you'll always miss them. But as each year passes, you'll get used to them not being around and, eventually, it won't hurt as bad. What Donna told me really wasn't that comforting watsoever but i guess it's true that the truth can hurt. I'll miss her: on holidys, birthdays, and every day in between. Some days wll be worse than others but over time I'll get used to her not being here. Sometimes I think she's still with me, just a phone call away like she used to be. Now, she's just a prayer away and I trust that God is taking care of his loyal servant. So, Happy Birthday Grandma. I hope Heaven is throwing a party just for you. And don't worry, we'll have some champaigne for you down here :)

Take A Closer Look

2007-12-15T20:52:00.000-08:00

Since I've moved to Fresno for college, i feel like i have grown away from God, like I'm not as close to him as i used to be. I recognized this and it made me feel horrible. God has never turned hs back on me bu it feels like I've turned my back on him by not making time to talk to God and to trust God. I've been wanting to take control of everything, i haven't let God handle anything. So, when i was in Bakersfield one weekend, i decided to go to Borders, I was looking for a book, something to help guide me, to help me study God's word and be closer to him. Well, what I found was Take a Closer Look for Women by Jan Kern. It's basically about applying the God's word to your everyday life. One section really struck me, it seemed like i related so well to it with what has been going on lately. There was a prayer in there and it really affected me, "I am your daughter who longs to serve you. I trust your words. Do your work, for i have confidence that it is good." This really spoke volumes to me. I long to serve God, to serve him faithfully and without question. I want him to work in my life, to use me as a servant for Him and His kingdom. I need to trust God more and have confidence in him. Just stop everyday life. Instead of puttin' around on MySpace, talk to God, spend time with God. Trust Him, have confidence in Him. No matter what is on your shoulders, God will help carry it. I truly needed to be reminded of this message and seeing again just calms my soul.

Rocky Seas

2007-12-08T07:52:00.000-08:00

So, lately things just haven't been, well, they just haven't been fun. It's been kind of a tough week for me, luckily i was able to come home to bako yesterday...
So, first off, with the holiday season coming up, i miss my grandmother more and more, both of them actually. No, i could care less about the checks or gifts i would normally receive, i care about the fact that this will be the first winter break without grandma Dorothy, and the first break without hearing from meemaw. It just sucks. I wouldn't think i would miss grandma Dorothy this much after over three months, but i do. In fact, I'm missing her more and more. For instance, I went with Steve the other day up to the casino. We passed by an intersection where me and my brother used to meet up with grandma just about every weekend. My eyes started to water and i felt like my heart was broken (how many times can a heart break before it stops working?). I had to turn my head for a second so Steve wouldn't notice. So, it's been hard, really hard, and there really hasn't been anyone there to help me through it. I think that's why i come home so much...
Secondly, Steve and I kind of had some problems. Earlier in the week, i found out that when me and Steve first began talking, but not technically dating i guess you could say, he was still with Cat. That really upset me seeing as i asked him over and over again if he had a girlfriend and he always confidently replied, "No." By lying, he basically showed that he had little or no respect for me and he lost my trust. With that being said, another issue comes up: Apparently him and Cat are talking like old buddies again. Normally, that wouldn't upset me, but given that they were together for five years and i have only been with him a short couple months, it really bothers me. I guess, when it all comes down to it, I'm just afraid of getting hurt again. I've been in this situation, I'm not an idiot, i just tend to keep my mouth shut. Steve and i talked about it and i guess we resolved it, but I'm still a little upset. I guess it's that I'm not quite ready for him to be conversing with her. It's just so easy to go back to an ex like Cat because they were together for so long and people like to go back to what they're used to. So, we talked about the issue, but i still have all my fears and my intuition is saying I'm going to get hurt, as usual. Steve really hasn't reassured me otherwise.
So, that's my week in a nutshell. I just pray for peace, over and over, because feeling this anxious and this tense makes me want to reverse back to old habits. This, to me, is really a trying time, like a test, to see if I've really cleaned up, if I'm really "okay". Sometimes i think God gives me too much to handle, but i know that he never will. I just really need my grandmother right now, but, by saying that, i realize that i always seem to need her. She was my guide, my angel, and now i feel lost. I'm glad that she is in heaven, with God, but sometimes i selfishly wish she was here, with me. So, if any of you are praying for me, pray for peace, wisdom, and understanding to help me through this time...

A Little Upset

2007-12-01T01:11:00.001-08:00

So, tonight my friend Amanda gives me a call and tells me that some of our friends are going to be at the fraternity house to just hang out and have some fun. So, i decided to go seeing as i wasn't at all sleepy (at 12:30am) and i haven't hung out with some of the boys in quite a while. I was really happy when i entered the house because it was kind of like old times: the boys, Amanda, the brothers, just chillin and having a great time. Then, i noticed Steve's ex was there, which was fine with me because i actually respect her as a person, seeing as she hasn't given me a reason not to. So, i went on like it was nothing and proceeded to chat with some of the boys. Then, i see one of the brothers walk up to me and i think, "Oh Shit". Yup, i knew what was coming: i had to leave the house because Steve's ex was there. I wasn't even there for five minutes, barely enough time to greet everyone and then say goodbye. It was actually quite embarrassing for me to have to show up and then suddenly leave without an explanation. What upsets me the most is that, as long as Steve's ex is at one of the fraternity kickbacks or parties (and she is friends with the majority of the brothers, so she has every right to be there) i can't go. That actually pisses me off because a lot of these boys are like my brothers, and i love every one of them. It just seems so damn childish. Steve and his ex broke up about three months ago and i still am not allowed to be anywhere she is. I mean, aren't we all adults here? Can't we act like it? I would never tell her that she wasn't allowed somewhere where i was (even at my own house) if she shared mutual friends. It just seems so unfair (yes, i know, life isn't fair). I was so excited to go hang out with all of the boys that i have missed so much but i was forced to leave so soon. Doesn't anyone else think this scenario is just rediculous? Or is it just me?

Bad Start to Yesterday...

2007-11-16T12:14:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday morning I woke up at around 8am literally in tears. I had one of the worst dreams in my life and gave me the feeling of a heart-break. The dream was weird, as most dreams are. Me and my bro were at some sort of amusement park (Disneyland i thought at one point) and he was playing at a toy machine. There was a little fuzzy ball and the object of the game was to run into toys with the fuzzy ball and knock them down into a slot next to this big hole. If you got them in that slot, you won. While my bro was playing this game i all of a sudden found pictures in my hand. Most of them had one single woman in them, i recognized her in the dream but i can't remember her now. These pictures were fairly recent they seemed, some from halloween and some form a few days later. As i looked through them, i saw a few of them contained my grandmother. In every picture she was sobbing. Her eyes would be red and puffy with tears streaming down or her eyes would be shut with her mouth open as if she were sobbing and screaming something. I began to cry in my dream while my brother was telling me to shut-up. Then i woke up, and really began crying. I even woke Steve to help comfort me. I don't know what it was about the dream, but it really hurt me. I have never felt so much emotional hurt except when my grandma actually passed. It really offset my whole day yesterday and it is still affecting me now. It's like it's haunting me. I have never seen my grandmother cry, even when she was on her deathbed but in those pictures she looked so sad and hurt. Maybe she misses all of us? I just don't understand the dream, it was just really cruel and unnecessary. I mean, coping with her death has been enough, i don't want to dream about it too.

School, Justa, the usual...

2007-11-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

Wow, well, i haven't updated in a bit. I've been quite busy actually. Pretty shocking huh?
Well, school is going okay i guess you could say. I'm a lil panicked at the moment seeing as i have quite a few projects piled on top of each other but no biggie.
Justa is the same ol' Justa. She looked really good yesterday, the weather change hasn't been too harsh on her (knock on wood).
Another home game is this weekend and my parents are coming up (yay!). Then, the weekend after this one, it's off to my mom's house with Steve. That should be a trip nothing short of interesting.
Anyways, on to what I was going to write about: Steve got an apartment, finally! lol. He has two roomies (well, that pay rent at least): Mantor (who is a hilarious guy) and Ryan (who is also pretty damn funny). So, the three of them have an apartment but it's more like 5 people when you include me and Ryan's girlfriends; Audra. It's a pretty nice apartment: 3 bedroom, 2 bath. It was a pain in the ass when the boys tried to get everything settled on move in day but everything is pretty good now. There were a few things wrong with the apartment, of course. Maintenance came out today though and pretty much fixed just about everything. So, if you haven't guessed already, Steve and I are pretty much living together and i really love it. It's really nice honestly. I'm so comfortable with Steve with everything. I love sharing a room with him and waking up to him in the morning. It's just nice, I'm extremely happy with my life at this point in time. Not saying that everything goes as planned and everything is prefect but i am truly happy and that's what counts.
Spring semester registration is coming soon and that freaks me out a bit but its okay. I will be carrying about 18 units, 3 more than i have now. I will definitely work my schedule out much better next semester than i did this semester. Hopefully, i will have a job as well (Fingers Crossed).
Well, thats about it for now....
Ciao

Steve!

2007-10-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

So, I think it's about time that Steve gets his own blog post ALL about him, lol...
So, we'll start with the basics: Steve is 22 from Bakersfield, CA. Like i said, bako just follows you everywhere. He is in a fraternity called Kappa Sigma and attends CSU Fresno (same college as me, duh) studying Business. Oh, and get this, he has a car AND a license (only a few people will understand why that is so amazing) as well as a job. Pretty big move up from all the ex's huh?
He's a pretty amazing guy i must say. I really haven't know him that long (a little over a month and dating for about 2 weeks) but it seems like I've known him for much longer. I've probably shared more about my life with him in the past month or so than i have in the past year to anyone. I've cried in front of this man, gotten sick in front of this man, and i can't seem to scare him away (lol, just kidding hun, i'm not trying to scare you away). I know that no matter how my day is going, i always look forward to seeing him because he can always cheer me up. He his probably one of the very few people that i can be around when i'm grumpy and actually get me to laugh within a few minutes. I LOVE waking up to him in the morning and going to bed with him right there by my side. That's unusual because i don't sleep well at all with other people but there is an amazing comfort level with him. He's like my nurse, best friend, counselor, motivator, and boyfriend all in one. Steve means so much to me in such a short amount of time. I don't know, but there is just something different about him. Something that clicked pretty much the first night when we were up until 2 in the morning just talking about whatever came to mind. We've pretty much been inseperable since. Minus my girl time, his boy time, school, and working. Still, I can have so much fun with him and pretty much be doing nothing. He most definitely makes me extremely happy and I'm excited to see where our relationship will go. No one can predict the future, but the present with him is pretty damn awesome.

Beautiful Day

2007-10-16T00:21:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in sort of a reflective move tonight. It seems fitting seeing as I have changed so much over just the past year: from being a High School Senior to starting out, once again, at the bottom of the food chain as a Freshman in college.
I have gone through so much in such little time and I have learned some amazing life lessons on the way. My teachers have been anyone and everyone, without even knowing it.
I've learned Patience from my horse, Justa. She has tought me so much and we have honestly learned from eachother. I used to be the get up and go type but I've learned that you can't always do that. Sometimes you have to just sit back, relax, and watch the scenery go by. She had to learn that lesson the same time i did, lol. I've also learned that even I can't always have my way. It's all about compromise, meeting somewhere that's comfortably in the middle. I still may joke that its "all about me" but it really isn't.
My priorities have certainly changed. I've learned from my church back home in Bakersfield that it is all about God. I am living this life for Him and only Him. That's one thing I need to work on, in fact. I probably haven't been the greatest servant of God in the last few months but i really do intend to change that, eventhough I'm not quite sure how.
I've also learned that everything isn't what it's all cracked up to be. Live life one moment at a time, savoring every bit of it. That's what I learned from Grandma's passing. Don't focus on the negatives like someone being gone, but focus on the positives like all the good times you had together. You can't change what has happened in the past, but you can plan for your future and pay close attention to the present.
Be observant. Love without holding back but don't be stupid. Don't give your heart away to just anyone, but to someone who will really appreciate it. That includes giving a piece of you to your friends. Listen to them, love them, but correct them when they're wrong.
Life's too short to worry all the time. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Some days may be difficult but there will always be something better on the other side. I am happy to say that i am proud of myself and of my life. I still make mistakes but the difference is i am learning from each and every one of them. God has blessed me with a loving family, great friends, and an amazing boyfriend. Who I am today is almost the opposite of who I was a year ago. Life is just looking up and I really can't see me viewing it any other way. So here's to God, to the patient, to the loving, and the positive. Here's to another beautiful day on this Earth with the one's that I love.

WOW

2007-10-11T18:51:00.000-07:00

So, i was going to post yesterday but i kind of got distracted i guess you can say...
Anyways, yesterday was a GREAT day! Yup, that one deserved bold and italics, lol. So, i slept in and missed my first class but it's all good because we were just doing some review. I went out to the ranch around 11:30. I was so happy to have my saddle back! I took justa out and we did a quick warm-up in the round pen. Man, she had so much energy, i just loved it. I saddled her up and we headed out to the arena. WOW she did so well! At first, she was being a bit hard in the mouth while asking her to back-up but that's okay because it's always a quick fix for her. We cantered for the first time in probably three months! It felt so good, her ears were perked and she had a beautiful stride. i was a little apprehensive about cantering her because i was afraid that she would be inclined again to take off like old times. But she didn't even attempt it. The moment i said "easy" she went straight from a canter to a walk (really surprised me actually, i wasn't ready for it, lol). Then, we went back up to the canter and worked on some flying lead changes. Again, WOW! We haven't worked on those in almost a year and she did them as if we had been working on them everyday for the past year. They were practically flawless. She got her front lead and her back leads simultaneously as we were doing our figure 8's...i am so proud of her! Another plus, her back leg was doing very well. No lameness at the moment, that's always a good thing. So, yeah, that's my update....More tomorrow, maybe..